Not sure what to do. Help

[Mary1011]

Hello everyone.
First poster here. I'm really at the end of my rope trying to think of a solution and I'm glad I found this forum.

I'm a single, retired 60 year old mom with two daughters. The oldest is turning 40 this year with 3 years in recovery from drug addiction. My youngest daughter of 33 is living with me along with her bf and two young daughters. She has struggled since adolescence with self harm, risky behavior, impulsivity, anxiety and bpd. She has been hospitalized 4 times for self harm with the latest being in 2019 after the breakup of a volatile relationship. She was sexually assaulted as a child and blames me for it because I hear on a regular basis that I was never around. (I did have to work)   She has struggled with employment and has been fired from every job. She currently stays home and takes care of the kids. She came to live with me after the birth of her second daughter. She was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. The income based townhouse they were living in had poor ventilation and the smell of cigarette smoke would permeate the residence, which was unhealthy for the baby. So she told me we have to come live with you. I couldn't say no because of the situation.

So it's been almost 2 years and I cannot live with them much longer. Her boyfriend is a landscaper and is a good worker but it's seasonal work and he doesn't make enough to support all of them. I am paying all the bills. I am disrespected on a regular basis. I get called nasty names by my bpd daughter and I am over all of this. I am the live in babysitter, the house is a mess all of the time and needs a renovation. I just lost a second sister to cancer and I am trying to live the rest of my life in peace.

I do not see them being able to afford anything on their own. If my daughter got a job, the baby would have to have a medical daycare which is hard to find. My 5 year old granddaughter is in kindergarten and doing well. I really don't want to uproot the kids. This is a pretty safe area for them and they are my biggest worry.

I just don't know if I should sell my house to get them out or should I leave and let them continue living there on my dollar. I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and what the outcome was.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

I can empathize with you.  This is a tough situation.  If your daughter can’t work do you think she would qualify for disability?  Do you have government subsidized rentals in your area?  Those two things were a Godsend for my daughter.  It kept her and my grandson in the same apartment for a few years anyway.  My daughter came back to live with us two times as an adult and it does not work.  As soon as we say anything she doesn’t like or say no or set a boundary she leaves in haste.  After my grandson was born I didn’t feel safe having them live here because I new if it became difficult I would have to keep biting my tongue for the sake of my grandson.  I wouldn’t want her to dramatically leave with him and it would be used as control on her part.  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.  Having any adult child back home can be challenging.  Having a child with BPD back is challenging x 100.

[Sancho]

Hi Mary1101
I've been on a similar journey in some ways and have tried different ways to help dd set up independently etc. I tried setting her up in her own place. One problem is that relationships are not stable, so that you can end up financially supporting a new partner who exploits the situation or someone who lets all the pals exploit the situation. In my case the bf and his mate used to just drink heavily each night, place was a mess (dd finds it impossible to keep a place tidy and clean).

So I shut that situation down, dd moved in with a different bf for a while. Then she - without my permission - moved in upstairs with bf and a HUGE dog that was unpredictable in it's mood! What a nightmare. When that situation came to a police enforced end, I closed down the upstairs.

DD went off with bf, but ended up back here - domestic violence situation.

I made up my mind to find a way to cope with the situation because I wasn't prepared to fund another place again and I wasn't prepared to close the door here.

It was easier when I was working. I kept my routine going and did certain things around the house regularly. I have been retired this year and it is pretty bad being around all the time. I am planning on finding part time work next year and building a new routine around that. I am also planning - after I have recovered from some surgery I need to have, to take myself off on cheap holidays so that I get the breaks I need. In a way I have decided to build a life for myself with my house just as a base, so dd can live here but does not take total control of my place and I do not have to fund another place. Even though I pay the bills here - dd buys food etc - it is better than funding another place.

It is good that your grandchild is at school now. How old is the other one?

If my dd was capable of maintaining a home and in a stable relationship I would be happy to help  out financially to support this, but she is not.

Everyone's situation is different of course and I am only talking about the journey I have been on. By not stepping back and thinking about the instability of my dd I ended up financially worse off and the situation not resolved.

I would think long and hard before selling your property. What would that mean for you and your dd and her children? It would force them out. What options would they have? What options would you have? Would you rent? Buy a smaller place?

I can feel you are at the end of your tether and I hope you can find a way to resolve things. Sending thoughts.

[Mary1011]

Thank you both for responding. It helps to know I'm not alone in this situation.

I'm currently isolating in my bedroom because my daughter, bf and kids have taken over the house. I'm basically living in my room now and they have the rest of the house. We are not on speaking terms because I let them know I'm selling the house and my options were to either sell or evict. (I would struggle either way because I'm not a fighter and my daughter knows that). However, because I've reached a point where I cannot live like this anymore, I told them I spoke to a realtor about selling the house. Now, I cannot speak or interact with the kids. I hate the manipulation and games...

I'm just going day by day right now. The realtor I reached out to is also a friend. She knows my daughter and the situation. I spoke to her yesterday and she told me my daughter contacted her about a house for sale and they are trying to prequalify for it. I just pray they get approved!  Fingers crossed!

[Pook075]

Question- you mentioned leaving your home and paying for them to live there.  Is that even a possibility for you financially?  If so, then why not find an apartment nearby and offer to get them started the first few months?  You should not leave your home though unless you simply want to live somewhere else for you.

For the main situation, being mistreated by your daughter, you have to separate that from loving the grandkids.  Those are two completely different things and the grandkids could stay with you (if necessary) with your daughter out of the house.  You absolutely have to create a healthy boundary and tell both of them that while you'd like to help them, the abuse is not acceptable and it will stop.  If it doesn't, then they will have to leave.

Now, this will likely make things worse for a bit, possibly much worse, because your daughter is used to getting what she wants through bad behavior.  She will feel like you're poking the bear, so to speak, and likely lash out in anger that she's not getting her way.  This is where the healthy boundary comes in- you love her, you want her to stay there, but she can't treat you poorly anymore.  If she cannot accept that, then it will be her choice to find somewhere else to live.

The reason you say this to both of them is with the hopes that you'll gain a sort of ally in the boyfriend who will see reason with your request.  He doesn't want to be homeless because they can't afford it, so he will try to honor your basic rules for staying there. It might make him catch some of your daughter's fury but good gosh, he's living off you and doesn't have the decency to stand up for you.  He deserves it, in my opinion.

One last thing- he might be a landscaper and that might be seasonal.  I personally work three jobs, not because I have to or anything, but because I don't want to have to worry about money.  If he's not working, he can watch the kids while she works.  Or he can find a 2nd job.  Or he can start his own business for fall/winter type landscaping work.  Or he can do one of a 1,000 things for more income.  What I'm saying is that it's not your burden to support them in hard times.  You're doing it because you're a good person and like having the grandkids around, not because you have to.

The one thing you HAVE TO DO is to stop walking on eggshells and take back your home.  You can do that in a kind, loving way while also putting your foot down and announcing that the abuse is not welcome anymore.  Your daughter will accept that or she won't, and you have to follow through in making it a real boundary.

I hope that helps and I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  One last thing, if they refuse to leave, you can have the police remove them at anytime because they're not paid renters.  It is clearly your house and that's your right.  I would talk to them first though and try to change the negative outcomes.

[Sancho]

Fingers crossed for you Mary1101. I am so pleased the realtor is a friend - that will help. Let's know how things go.