My first post - daughter with undiagnosed quiet BPD

[MystifiedMom]

Hello.  I'm new here.  I have a 33 year old daughter who has a lot of characteristics of quiet BPD.  I think she probably doesn't have a diagnosis because she doesn't stay with one therapist for very long.  It's been up and down with her for two decades.  I kept thinking that she would mature and get better, but that hasn't been the case. 

She gives me the silent treatment when she gets angry with me, and as she has gotten older, it has been getting longer and longer.  About five years ago, I started changing the way I interact with her, and that has helped a lot.  Basically, I'm doing a modified version of gray rocking, but friendlier.  I don't share anything personal with her.

Thankfully, she lives independently from me.  Her life is OK, but doesn't seem all that stable.  The longest she usually stays at a job is around a year.  She moves to a different apartment almost  every year.  I want to help her, but I'm so tired of helping her move.  I'm very grateful that she is high functioning.  But I don't like always being on guard around her, and the push-pull.  If I try to be there for her in some way, at first things are good. But eventually, she pushes me away.  I find myself becoming more and more detached.  I put a lot of focus on my healthy friendships and nurturing activities. 

Thank you for listening! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Titch]

Hi Mystified mom

It’s draining isn’t it. I absolutely feel for you. My daughter is now 40 and ‘push pull’ behaviour is a good way of describing how they are. I have decided to go no contact now. Not sure how well I will do, as you know they were our babies, but I am reminding myself that she is a grown woman and we don’t need to be supporting her. Especially considering all the abuse,lies, and accusations every time she decides she hates us. I’ve stopped beating myself up thinking it’s all my fault because it isn’t. I have 3 other daughters who do not act this way and have decided no contact with her, so I am doing the same.
I glad you are around the people that are positive for you. Dig deep like me for the strength to let her get on with it. Good luck.

[MystifiedMom]

Thank you, Titch.  Yes, it's all draining.  She can act normal for a time.  She apparently acts normal at her jobs, because she is able to keep them (all except one).  Her toxic behaviors don't come out in every situation.  Which can make it more confusing.  Besides doing the push pull with me, she can be over the top controlling about some things.  And if she feels safe to, she can be very demanding.  She gets emotionally disregulated by the strangest things.  We'll have a conversation that seems fine at the time, and later she will twist some part of the conversation and have a huge meltdown over it. 

Things had been good for several years (mostly because I was keeping some emotional distance and keeping my guard up).  I had started to entertain the idea that maybe she was maturing, and maybe we could get closer.  I'm her mother, and I'll always wish I could have a closer relationship.  Well, two months ago, I saw that side of her come out big time.  I was able to extricate myself from the situation before she had a full blown meltdown with me.  Since then, I've just texted her and really kept a distance.  I do feel good that I was able to read the writing on the wall, and get the ____ out of Dodge before it all went south. 

I wonder what the future is going to bring for us.  If she has children, would it even be a good idea for me to bond to my grandchildren?  I could see her yanking them away for any number of reasons. 

[Titch]

Hi Mystified mom, our daughter has two sons who I have had to help with and even had to give up my jobs to care for when she was having particularly difficult times. Unfortunately she makes sure We don’t have contact with them either when ‘she’ decides she doesn’t want contact. It’s been awful every time. She lies to them about us. Poor things are in the middle. They are older now and because of the relationship we have had, I live in hope they understand. It’s the hardest part for me. It’s the reason for me putting up with it for so long.  It’s very sad.
I realise that I can’t change it, only how I deal with it.

[Pook075]

Hey Mystified Mom!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can relate with my 25 year old daughter (classic bpd) and 45 year old ex-wife (quiet BPD).

What I've learned is that you have zero control over what any person might say or do, especially when mental illness is involved.  Your kid will change when she's ready to change and not a minute sooner.  This is not your responsibility or your burden, and you have to let it all go.

Now, that doesn't mean to stop loving your kid- I still love my daughter and my ex very much.  I treat them with love and kindness regardless of how I'm treated, but I also have barriers in place that they're not allowed to cross.  If they make poor life decisions then I'll point it out and get out of the way, it's their decisions to make and it is not my problem to solve.  I just pray for them and let them know that I'm always here if they need me, and I accept that there will be times where I go weeks or months without an update.  I have to accept that though because I have zero control over it.

The best thing you can do for your kid is to do what you're already doing...focus on healthy relationships so you're mentally strong.  While you'd like more of a healthy, normal relationship with your kid, it's just not up to you since relationships go two ways and require two people participating.  Again, you can't control that so stop fretting over it.  There is literally nothing you can do except for being a positive role model when your child decides to reach out.

I know that's probably not what you were hoping to hear, but your kid has to get through this herself.  Good luck and keep your head up!

[MystifiedMom]

They are older now and because of the relationship we have had, I live in hope they understand.

Titch, I think there's a very good chance that they will figure everything out when they get old enough.  They'll know that you were there for them, and provided as much stability for them as you could. 

[MystifiedMom]

  While you'd like more of a healthy, normal relationship with your kid, it's just not up to you since relationships go two ways and require two people participating. 

Yes, that's where I'm at, Pook.  Forcing myself to come to acceptance of how things are, not how I want them to be.  It gives me some measure of peace, and keeps me off the roller coaster of hope. 

Thank you for your response.  It is helpful.