I have lost myself, unsure of how to be happy again

[Willykansas]

My wife had been undiagnosed with bpd for 13 years of our 16 year marriage.  We had many issues and multiple points of almost divorcing. I have had a couple of breakdowns because we’ve talked extensively about the reality of diagnosis. I was in therapy.  I’m not sure I can survive things not getting any better.  We’ve tried to rekindle multiple times, and just when I feel like it might be working something she does hurts me again.  I can’t be what she needs, and she can’t be what I need.  We have three kids. She hasn’t been able to work, and depends on me for everything.  I want to leave, but I’m a christian and feel I should stay.  She is a good mom, and takes care of the kids while I’m gone for work. I do still care for her and even love her, but I can’t muster up being in love with her anymore….I’ve just got used to her companionship…. And I don’t know how to take care of my kids without her frankly.  I believe I could be happy with some one else, but that seems selfish, both for my kids and for her. She is trying to get help, small improvements, she doesn’t mask as much anymore…. I’ve tried being brutally honest about my feelings but that has blown up in my face…. We both feel hopeless to change those things… it just makes me feel worse cause when I feel sick to my stomach from stress and depressed and like my insides are falling out, all she can say is i’m sorry, I hear you, or idk….  We’re both trying… she doesn’t seem to understand my heaviness and anxiety is from her… and not just from life being difficult, but I also don’t want to say that…. I don’t know what to do… divorce seems… harsh… and scary… and irreversible… staying like this seems like it’s killing me and taking my soul with it… any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[understandBPD]

I don't have much advice in regards to the BPD side of things (I'm on here for the exact same reason and having issues in my marriage)

What i can tell you as another christian is divorce is not what God wants and it will destroy your wife's life and destroy your childrens lives as well so this should not be an option at all. You need to pray to God with your wife accept you are together till death do us part and then seek help (from here or from a professional with the goal of improving your marriage the love and feelings come and go) the damage of a divorce will not.

[Willykansas]

Ok…. What help can you offer?  We have sought help, we have prayed. What about the damage BPD does? I’m not being defensive, I just don’t find any aid in your message, and am legitimately asking these questions.  That tends to be the modern Christian answer… but then there’s no follow through in helping.  I’ve been serving in the church as a leader for 20 years, and I’ve studied this particular issue as well. Any divorce has damaging effects, you’re right, but that does not mean God forbids it in all circumstances. God designed a purpose for marriage, and this is not it.  Counseling made certain things worse…. I’m desperate. Thanks for responding, I appreciate your care.

[Willykansas]

Oh I’m genuinely curious, how long have you been married friend?

[once removed]

with support, there is hope in whichever direction you go. things can get better.

it sounds like things have really come to a head.

what led to this point? you describe rekindling multiple times. what (specifically) has troubled your marriage?

[Willykansas]

She had a couple of episodes where she “lost time” for several months, so that was a big thing. we had been struggling most of if not all our marriage,  but once the diagnosis came that’s when things came to a head. Reading others accounts, her laying out expectations, me laying out mine.  I went to counseling for myself not just marriage counseling… and it was just like… wow that’s why this never worked…. And from what we’ve laid out on the table, it still won’t…. If I’m being honest I keep getting to the point where soo much is on me, and I’m having to recover financially, I’m having to recover mentally, and energy wise physically…. And I don’t have help from my partner. I struggle to function, therapist has addressed it, family members have addressed it, but I keep running into the same wall cause of the source of the issue. So it’s taking a huge toll on the family. We were separated years ago, and I had considered being with some one else, we never dated, but definitely could have and talked about it.  But My wife and I chose to work it out. I haven’t spoken to that person since. That’s also been a big point of contention. Um… rekindling has been effort for dates and anniversary, recommitment, and restructure of boundaries for health. I keep getting let down, and I’ve let her down too.  To also put it plainly, I don’t feel like me anymore, I feel hollow, and even a different person… this was never something I struggled with previously.   My kids are all above 10 btw.  Sorry this message may be TMI to your question, thanks!

[Cat Familiar]

Everyone needs to make the decision on what is right for themselves, their families, and how that aligns with their faith. There are no right nor wrong answers on this. We all come from a variety of spiritual communities. What may be emphasized as a value for some, such as keeping a marriage together, may be superseded elsewhere by the value of creating a healthy environment for children and oneself.

[once removed]

i think that we need more specific information to help you.

She had a couple of episodes where she “lost time” for several months,

what does this mean?

we had been struggling most of if not all our marriage,  but once the diagnosis came that’s when things came to a head.

what led up to the diagnosis? was she in crisis?

We were separated years ago, and I had considered being with some one else, we never dated, but definitely could have and talked about it.  But My wife and I chose to work it out.

this is likely significant. how many years ago? what led to the separation?

I keep getting let down, and I’ve let her down too.

what are the obstacles in your marriage? specifically, what, from her, is causing you the greatest trouble?

[Pook075]

Ok…. What help can you offer?  We have sought help, we have prayed. What about the damage BPD does? I’m not being defensive, I just don’t find any aid in your message, and am legitimately asking these questions.  That tends to be the modern Christian answer… but then there’s no follow through in helping.  I’ve been serving in the church as a leader for 20 years, and I’ve studied this particular issue as well. Any divorce has damaging effects, you’re right, but that does not mean God forbids it in all circumstances. God designed a purpose for marriage, and this is not it.  Counseling made certain things worse…. I’m desperate. Thanks for responding, I appreciate your care.

Your Biblical instructions on what to do are crystal clear- love your wife like Jesus loves the church.  That's all you have as a believer.  You love her as 1st Corinthians 13 explains and you pray for her to be blessed, despite how she reacts or treats you.

1st Corinthians 13: 4-8- "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy or boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

In my case, my BPD wife walked away and I eventually accepted that I needed to follow1st Corinthians 7:15 ("If an unbeliever walks away, let them go").  My wife did not have the capacity to love me the way she's commanded to love her husband.  I still show her love and compassion because it is very sad to end a 25 year marriage, but it is in God's hands.  Proverbs 3:5 says to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."  That's all I've got- I have given it to God and he will change her heart or he won't.  I will love her the way I was commanded to love her though, even if we divorce.

One final thing I'll add is that God has called us to live in peace.  If there's verbal, mental, or physical abuse, then you have to make healthy boundaries to let your wife know that it's not acceptable behavior.  Maybe that means you sleep on a relative's couch for a few nights because you have to walk away for a bit, but you have to start standing up for yourself and your faith.  Just taking abuse and hoping it changes is not a strategy, it's rewarding bad behavior and encouraging more.

If your wife still prays with you, then consider Christian counseling.  Also remember that she's sick and likely feels that so much of this is beyond her control.  That may be true to some extent, but therapy can work wonders if she's willing to commit to it.  Again, go back to 1st Corinthians 4 and how we're called to love- that's true for both of you.  Trust in God though and put Him 1st in everything; let Him guide you through this.  It may not have the ending you want, but God's plan for your life is always the best plan.  You will get through this and you will be okay.

I hope that helps!

[Willykansas]

The losing time is her disassociating, she may cut herself off from everything, or even not remember what she does for a day or a week.  Zone out

To be honest I don’t really understand the time around the diagnosis. She was having conflict with her mother, and sisters, and aunt, I was doing my best to support her, she and I were both going to individual therapy. And that’s when that happed.

It was 4-5 years ago now that we were separated? We’ve pretty much never had a good marriage, but I didn’t realize how dysfunctional and toxic it was. Didn’t know about bpd, just tried to be strong and get by with the messes, and the erratic behavior, the emotional rollercoasters, taking responsibility for everything, and being at her Beck and call.  I started  talking with women online and cheating digitally only. . I decided to confess this, get my life right and stop hiding and also recommit my life to Jesus. I thought it was best if we did that “apart” and I really started turning things around. I was in specific therapy, I was re building community and friendships, doing better at career and work, reading my Bible, praying and meditating, doing better spiritually. Not being so isolated and co-dependent.  Having accountability and stopping the behavior. I kept in contact with my wife (and my kids) and would share my progress and what we needed to work on, she could not agree to reconcile at first…. It took a while but she agreed for us to work on things and improve the situation.

The greatest trouble now is a mix of things. The strained and transactional communication between us. Almost cold demeanor when I’m in need.  Her expectations are still rather high about gifts and attention or affection. She has accepted that I can’t reach those expectations of hers, but basically says she can’t be happy until I do. There are still physical messes that are probably the thing that causes me the most distress. We have 4 dogs… I often have to care for them…. The last thing that is most difficult is the lack of respect And follow through. She will say she is going to do something immediately and 4 months later she will do it half way. I have set boundaries for certain things and they are not respected… i said no more dogs, but we have more, I said rabbits go outside, disregarded. I ask that things won’t be done a certain way or left a mess and it’s ignored. We’ve talked about it, I’m vocal and firm yet kind…. But  it’s just an I’m sorry… I’m working on it.

The obstacle now is my numbness and lack of desire. Even if some things improve this is not the life I wanted.