Do I have PTSD because of my hwBPD?

[JazzSinger]

I am constantly haunted by memories of the times when I was sick, (I’m 74 years old), and my hwBPD dissociated.   I didn’t understand what was going on at the time. I was miserable and shocked at his behavior. 

He left me alone in an ER, and then in an ambulance, when I was desperately in need of a blood transfusion.   I suffered through the whole ordeal without him.  He dropped me off at the ER and went home.  Later, when I was in the hospital, he refused to visit because there was too much traffic and he was tired.  This was and still is shocking to me, although he did bring me home when I was discharged.

He once threatened to take a brief road trip after dropping me off for a day surgery.  When I started crying, he got angry with me.  In the end, he stayed around in case there were complications, but not until I begged. 

Lastly, after bringing me home from a major surgery last year, he dissociated again.  He wanted me to order takeout — I was still on heavy pain killers.  My mind was foggy. I also had mobility issues, but he only helped me when I absolutely couldn’t move from point A to point B. I couldn’t make it to the kitchen, let alone the stove.  He’d bring me food, but he’d COMPLAIN profusely.   I called a friend who brought some food in for me. He went out, and I had a bite to eat with my friend.   That’s when he realized he needed to help me with food until I was stronger.  But he never did it without complaining.

Looking back, now that I realize he probably suffers from BPD, these incidents give me chills.  I don’t know how I endured it. I don’t know how I was able to forgive him and move forward.  But I do know I’m still haunted by all of it.

Just needed to vent. Thanks. 

[JoeBPD81]

Sounds tough. I think it's more that possibble to have PTSD because of that.

It was kind of avandonment when you were in your weakest moment.

A turning point in my previous marriage was after a week of surgery, when I thought I wouldn't make it, and after a year of being sick (and losing my job because of it)... I almost couldn't walk, and my wife complained that it had been a while without sex. A week prior she saw me right after surgery and we both thought I might die (becasue doctors were screaming like in a movie "we're losing him!"). I was 31, and I heard that and thought "It's OK I can go".  It's not the same story at all, but what I mean is that being weak and in need of help made it much worse.

My current pwBPD already told me that sick men make her nervous and angry. So I know I'm alone if I get sick. And it hurts.

Hang in there!

[Cat Familiar]

It’s so difficult when the person who *should* have your back, doesn’t. In two marriages to BPD husbands, I’ve never experienced the extreme selfishness that you have, but even a minor echo of that has certainly left me feeling like I was on my own, without any support. So sorry this happened to you during such a vulnerable time. 

[JazzSinger]

A turning point in my previous marriage was after a week of surgery, when I thought I wouldn't make it, and after a year of being sick (and losing my job because of it)... I almost couldn't walk, and my wife complained that it had been a while without sex. A week prior she saw me right after surgery and we both thought I might die (becasue doctors were screaming like in a movie "we're losing him!"). I was 31, and I heard that and thought "It's OK I can go".  It's not the same story at all, but what I mean is that being weak and in need of help made it much worse.

Oh my!  How awful for you.  I am so sorry.  That’s beyond tough.  It’s very sad. I wish you health and strength,  going forward. 

Like you, I know that if I’m ever sick again, he cannot support me. I’ll need to arrange for assistance at home.  I wanted to do so the last time I had major surgery, but he threatened to leave if I let “a stranger” into our home.  He’s impossible, really. 

I think a split is inevitable. 

Wishing you the best. Thank you for sharing. 

[JazzSinger]

It’s so difficult when the person who *should* have your back, doesn’t. In two marriages to BPD husbands, I’ve never experienced the extreme selfishness that you have, but even a minor echo of that has certainly left me feeling like I was on my own, without any support. So sorry this happened to you during such a vulnerable time. 

Thank you so much. Your kind words are very helpful. 

[livednlearned]

JS, it's heart-breaking to hear that you had to go through that and feel so alone. In your marriage you are getting a lot of the downsides and none of the ups, especially when a spouse isn't able to show up in your time of need.

My n/BPDx was the same when our son was born. And the same during and after surgeries I've had through the years. I divorced n/BPDx over a decade ago. Five years ago my son had a health scare and ended up in the ER getting a blood transfusion. I was remarried to my current H by then and it was almost surreal to be in that environment with someone calm and supportive, thoughtful and helpful.

After one of my surgeries that required bedrest, I realized n/BPDx was truly a child. More than that, though, he was a spiteful child. When I developed complications that pushed back my recovery, he became furious because he had to do extra work, like be a dad and pick up prescriptions.

Marsha Lineman talks about *radical acceptance* when you have a BPD loved one, and I think part of that is accepting that you are their parent no matter what the relationship may be.