Snippy daughter, lacking empathy

[Crying inside]

Hi, I just needed to vent.  My 24 y/o bpd daughter is in the process of getting her drivers license.  So I am driving her 4 days a week to and from school(15 minute drive) (she just started college again after withdrawing due to hospitalization and subsequent bpd dx in 2021. While I don’t mind driving her, what gets me is that I will state that I’m low on gas and don’t get paid yet and she still won’t offer to pay for gas  Also, when I was having stomach pain yesterday (I developed colitis in July bc of stress from her and her sister) she just kept complaining about her menstrual pain.  Not once did she ask me how I was feeling.  Never does she offer to help around the house either.  While she doesn’t make a mess, it would still be nice to hear her ask. It’s almost as if she can’t see me as ever being ill.  Same thing with my mood.  If it deviates from baseline, she’ll say why are you in a bad mood?  It’s like being under a microscope.  I love her and feel sorry for her at times, but it hurts when I knock on her door and she snaps “what!” after I’ve driven her around all day and that included practicing driving.  My granddaughter was visiting today and I barely could spend time with her bc I had to take my daughter out to practice driving.  I feel like treating her with kid gloves since her bpd dx has backfired big time.  How can I get her to see that I’m a human being deserving of respect?  This doesn’t happen all the time but today was bad.  Also, I don’t like the texts she sends when it’s a barrage of complaints about what PLEASE READty luck she has (an example)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[4love]

Hi Crying Inside,

It must be the weather- I logged on because I also needed to vent and then stopped to read the latest threads. My bpd- dd is often inconsiderate and unkind. After much self- reflection I realized I had "unspoken" expectations which means another person would have to read my mind to understand what I wanted/ needed. And so I would try to calmly discuss my expectations/ boundaries/ needs. Sometimes it worked but more often than not- it would garner only temporary change.  She can be empathetic, but that is also not consistent. I often think she is incapable because of where she is psychologically at any given moment.

The only things I know to do are communicate your expectations, create boundaries for you own health and well being, try to develop realistic expectations about her capabilities and make it a priority to engage in self care.  Wish I had something more to offer- hang in there!


 

[Sancho]

Hi Crying inside
I remember trying to figure out what my dd had when she was younger and 'autism' was high on my list. Later I experienced all the things you describe in your post. If I say anything about myself, dd immediately responds with something worse about herself. This is particularly focused on the 'target' person - ie me and sounds like it's you in your situation.

BPD is really complex and I think overlaps with anxiety and ASD and perhaps other mental health issues, perhaps depression.

Learning to drive is pretty stressful (for both parties) and would be a big trigger I think for the BPD person to lash out more at the 'target' person - wanting the focus to be totally on them, snapping when spoken to . . . . and worse!

I am wondering if your dd has ever tried medication? When my dd is on just a basic antidepressant it seems to lift the bar as far as what triggers her. It eases her anxiety so she is much less snappy, sleeps better etc. It is not a 'fix all' for BPD. My dd still needs to be the centre of attention, is impulsive etc. She is also much worse now because she has self medicated and that has taken a huge toll on her mental health.

Try to 'tune' out from her body language and lack of empathy. I remember trying to get dd to respond when I was not well or something like that, but I came to realise the 'all about her' was actually part of this illness.

Most people see my dd as it's 'all about her'. One day I asked her if she felt bad if she was not the centre of attention. Her response was 'I feel like I want to die'.

I understood better then and backed off from trying to get her to understand me. Coming here helped me 'separate' in so far as I have worked out what I am prepared to do to support my dd, while working on having my own life and looking after myself in the midst of it all.

It is a heart breaking journey when our children aren't able to respond to us. Nurture yourself - it is a marathon rather than a sprint!

[LotusS]

Always helpful-and sad-to hear another mom “vent” about the lack of empathy our dd with bpd manifest. It is indeed a difficult diagnosis . Today is my bday. Yet another one w/out any card from my dd. She “had to “ leave and hang our with friends of course, all afternoon and evening and coming home now soon -1am. I am fast discovering the need for everything the moms are sharing here. My dd moved  back home a week ago. Lost her job and boyfriend broke up with her.
It is pretty peaceful bc she has never been violent or anything like that. But not very loving, you know what i mean.
this illness is hard bc we do see them make progress-only to go back to not doing great. Amazing we all have similar struggles with those kids.
Self- care is really going to become crucial for me. Bc i am starting to lose all capacity for joy and hope. (Also grieving loss of my mom right now.)
Anyway-what advice? Resilience, and self care, moms. And you have such value, such courage, and it’s not your fault. There is no ready answer fir the problems our kids are putting in front of us. Practice being still.
Hugs to you all.