He complains about EVERYTHING.

[JazzSinger]

My hwBPD complains about everything, including things he can’t change, like the lack of sunlight in one of the rooms in our home.  He’ll complain about the same thing for 20 years, literally, and he thinks it’s normal to do so.  Because I’m human, I get frustrated sometimes and I say to him, “How can you keep complaining about X, for 20 years, when you know we can’t fix it?”   He’s instantly furious,  and he tells me his behavior is perfectly normal. Or, I may say, “Why don’t we try doing A, to fix problem B?”  He becomes LIVID, telling me I’m trying to shut him up.  Well, yes, I am

[Cat Familiar]

It seems that people with personality disorders are chronically dissatisfied. That doesn’t mean that we have to enter into their drama with them. I find that not responding often takes the fun out of complaining for them. If they don’t have a captive audience, such as being in a car with them, what keeps you from leaving the room and going and doing something else? It’s like the principle of operant conditioning: anything we give energy to will increase; behaviors we ignore will extinguish…eventually…but sometimes it takes a long time! 

[ForeverDad]

When dealing with a person with an acting-out personality disorder, neither facts nor logic will trump the skewed perceptions, predictably unpredictable emotions and self-oriented mindset.

Boundaries (for yourself to use in response to the problem person) help immensely, in addition to other tools and skills. ( <- click link)

JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) often doesn't work whereas SET and DEARMAN and (especially post-relationship) BIFF can, well, to a certain extent.

[Augustine]

Oh Lord, the interminable BPD woe-is-me dirge.  Yes, I’m well steeped in this.

As Cat pointed out, apart from just having a protracted whinge, there is no purpose to their exercise.  They’re not looking for solutions to whatever is bothering them; they’re just vocalizing their worries as a means of reducing anxiety.

I always did my best to listen, and try to assuage her fears, but it was largely a futile enterprise.

When I was exhausted, I did have to walk away once in a while, and pretend that I was out of earshot. 

It always bothered me that she was so negatively preoccupied, and my frustration was that there as nothing that I could possibly do to help her.

[JazzSinger]

It seems that people with personality disorders are chronically dissatisfied. That doesn’t mean that we have to enter into their drama with them. I find that not responding often takes the fun out of complaining for them. If they don’t have a captive audience, such as being in a car with them, what keeps you from leaving the room and going and doing something else? It’s like the principle of operant conditioning: anything we give energy to will increase; behaviors we ignore will extinguish…eventually…but sometimes it takes a long time! 

Thanks so much for this advice. 

Somehow, my post was cut off.  I did go on to say that I try  to ignore the complaining most of the time.  I usually only respond by saying “Uh-huh,” or “Mmm-hmm.”  If it’s really bad, I get  up and walk away.  That usually shuts him down, because I’m not emoting.   Still, in a day or so, he’s usually back at it.  The other day I got frustrated and shouted, “YOU COMPLAIN TOO MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING”. Again, he told me it was normal to complain. But now, I’ve noticed that before he complains, he says, “I know you say I complain too much, but…”. And then he keeps it short.  Maybe that’s progress.  I don’t know.

In the past, If I got up and walked away while he was complaining or having an outburst, he’d follow me into whatever room I walked into, except the bathroom. He eventually stopped doing that. I don’t think he has the energy for it. anymore.  Nowadays, I keep my tote bag, keys and phone handy, so that I can grab it and go for a walk, if necessary, when the complaining or outbursts become too much.

I know it’s no way to live. I’m going to have to make a move.

Thanks again.  Your comments are very helpful.  I know I am not alone.

[JazzSinger]

All of your comments are extremely helpful.   It’s wonderful to have this kind of support. 

I do find that if I don’t say much when he’s complaining, he does stop for awhile.  And I will also check out more of the tools on this website. 

I think the fact that it’s the SAME complaints, over and over, is exasperating.  And then of course, there are always new things to complain about, so they get added on to the list. 

It’s one of many frustrations. 

So glad I found this forum.  Thanks so much. 

[livednlearned]

This makes me think about a supervisor I had. She would get really wound up about something and seemed to get particularly upset with me.

It might not apply to your H, but with this supervisor, I realized that the more calm I was, the more reactive she became.

My therapist at the time suggested that the supervisor was not getting the confirmation she needed that I heard her because my facial expression was unchanging. I began mirroring my supervisor's facial expression a bit more so she could see that I heard her. Saying I heard her seemed to not make as much of a difference. She had to see that I was emotionally registering her words.

It seemed to work. Not all the time, but enough that I made a small change in how I communicated with her, in a way that she seemed to need.

Kind of like a facial form of validation.

Your H might complain because he wants to feel victimized, and that's not something you can fix. But I wonder if SET (support, empathy, truth) might at least tone it down. Even if you hear half the complaints, that's better than hearing all of them.

A word about SET, which I used with my uBPD stepdaughter (26). Either I was doing something wrong or she's a special case because I seem to have over-validated her. Just something to watch for. It's possible I didn't focus enough on T (truth) or boundaries, which tended to be more challenging for me to assert.

I wanted to hear less complaining and neediness from her, but I also wanted space and validating her seemed to draw her deeper into my orbit because she liked feeling validated. Because she has no real boundaries of her own, that led to more work on my part and I found myself in a state of constant boundary setting, which can be tiresome and require a lot of vigilance.

[JazzSinger]

Oh Lord, the interminable BPD woe-is-me dirge.  Yes, I’m well steeped in this.

As Cat pointed out, apart from just having a protracted whinge, there is no purpose to their exercise.  They’re not looking for solutions to whatever is bothering them; they’re just vocalizing their worries as a means of reducing anxiety.

Indeed.  Once, I couldn’t help myself — I engaged. I told him he should go ahead and do whatever he wanted, I think it was a short trip at the time, and that I was okay with it.  HE GOT MAD!  I guess it was because I wasn’t angry.  Other times I’ve offered solutions to his problem, and again, he’d get mad!  Clearly, he does NOT want solutions.  He just wants to complain.