Hypochondriac pwBPD?

[M604V]

I suspect that my wife of 12+ years has BPD although she’s undiagnosed. What she is (self) diagnosed with is EVERYTHING ELSE though. Anyone have experience with this?

It’s every malady and infirmity under the sun, assuming it’s invisible, that is. Today I came home to her scrubbing our house of mold (we have no obvious mold). So apparently she’s being affected by mold in the house now? Everyone else is seemingly healthy.

She also complains of food allergies, stomachaches, headaches, back pain, bloat, gynecological pain, itchy eyes, itchy skin, fatigue, insomnia, narcolepsy, you name it

She rarely seeks professional intervention, if ever (she’s a nurse, BTW) but she will pursue any quick fix, lotion, cream, oil, supplement, gadget, claiming to fix her issue but sure to do nothing except take her money.

Anyone?

[livednlearned]

It seems like a way to justify the psychological malaise and pain? If it's physical, then it's real, is my guess why people go there.

My stepdaughter (26) is getting better (she found a new community to belong to) but when she is adrift it's like she's 85 years old and has to talk about everything that happens to her body. When something real happens, it's insufferable. She had her wisdom teeth out and was instructed to rest. Instead she talked nonstop with bloody gauze in her mouth and kept running into the bathroom, insistent that a tooth had decayed (?) but when we offered to take her to urgent care she didn't want that. She just wants the attention.

Every itch, every dizzy spell, every stomach pain, every headache, every constipation, every diarrhea, every sore throat, every rash ... it is all reported.

We're trying to collectively change how we respond and that has had some impact. My H complained once about how somatic SD26 is (she is the most somatic with him) and I said it surprised me because he seemed to show great interest in her aches and pains. He always takes her calls and spends a long time indulging her. I think that started a quiet campaign to offer less advice and show less interest. He is more likely to ask her how she's going to handle xyz than offer advice, which has had an impact because she doesn't want to think about solutions since the problem is how she solicits sympathy and attention.

How do you respond? For me, I had to really manage my disgust.

[M604V]

I like that approach a lot: asking her how she plans on dealing with it, versus getting pulled into the issue.

I care immensely; how much I care or love or sympathize has never been the issue (not to me, anyway). I guess it’s just another one of those things that becomes more clear the more distance you out between yourself and it.

I see it as just a ploy for attention or, more accurately, a ploy for *less* attention. My wwBPD doesn’t broadcast her illnesses, per se, but it’s like she uses them as an excuse to completely check the f*ck out of everything except her own misery and victimhood.  An excuse to mope, feel sorry for herself, turn everything off and just lay in bed, spend money. She NEVER misses work though, it’s only when she’s home.

Heaven forbid you ask what’s wrong. “Why do I have to explain it again?? I’m tired of talking about it!”

Now I check in with a “anything I can do to help?” I know damn well the answer is “no”, but I do it anyway. When she refuses I try and just peacefully walk away. It sucks, because it’s a missed opportunity for some kind of connection, but it keeps me from getting pulled into the nonsense. Thanks for replying.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve often thought of my husband as a Victorian lady who takes to her bed when beset by the slightest sniffle or similar malady. (Now he actually has a real medical condition, yet he resists doing the physical therapy prescribed by his doctors and therapists because he’s “too tired” or “doesn’t feel good”)

He’s a sucker for a *quick fix* and has bought countless products he’s seen online, only to quickly discard them, because “nothing works.”

As livednlearned points out, people with BPD have tremendous emotional pain and it is much more tolerable to them to believe it’s physically caused, so that they don’t have to take responsibility for doing anything to change it, and can comfortably play the victim and get sympathy from others.

[Smedley Butler]

Anyone?

I have also been married for a little over twelve years
My wife is also a nurse
And my wife is also a complete hypochondriac and also an obsessive compulsive cleaner

Every single day (not exaggerating) she claims to have a migraine, nausea, hip pain, and/or back pain.  It's so often, that I sometimes think that she just says these things as a habit out of boredom.  For awhile, to entertain myself, I jotted these complaints down to track the frequency. 

Similarly, she has what I would call "sensory hyper-sensitivity".  She smells, sees, and feels any little kind of imperfection in the house.  She wears shoes in the house always because she "cant handle the dog hair" that she apparently feels on her feet.  She is constantly tracking down nebulous "something doesnt smell good in here" odors that I think are completely in her head. 

and of course, if I dont drop what I'm doing to acknowledge whatever crisis of either illness or uncleanliness she is experiencing, then I am the problem. 

interestingly, also like you inferred, none of this seems to impact her at her job in the slightest.  She seems to function just fine there.  It's only at home that she comes apart.  Must be due to my supposed constant victimization of her (for reasons she cant explain, just that I'm out to get her). 

Sigh.   

[M604V]

And you’re a Marine? ✊

[M604V]

The dog hair! Yes! My wife is constantly at her wits end over dog hair.

[FarDrop77]

My wife is like this as well - constant health complaints that she won't see a doctor about.  Mostly gastrointestinal issues but also itchiness.  If we drive up a hill (in socal it's hills all over) she'll gasp in pain and start breathing heavily when her ears pop.  She constantly makes loud retching sounds to let me know she's feeling ill - like hammy vocalization you do to imitate barfing, not the actual guttural sound of real vomiting.  But she thinks it sounds real and behaves like everyone else thinks so, too.

It makes it really difficult to tell when it's an issue I should take seriously.

[ForeverDad]

Every single day (not exaggerating) she claims to have a migraine, nausea, hip pain, and/or back pain...

Interestingly, also like you inferred, none of this seems to impact her at her job in the slightest.  She seems to function just fine there.  It's only at home that she comes apart.  Must be due to my supposed constant victimization of her (for reasons she cant explain, just that I'm out to get her).

Because she's not in a close relationship with her coworkers and others on the periphery of her life.  They may get irritated or notice her oddities but it is at a lower level than what you experience.  BPD is a disorder most impacting the closest of relationships, where the closer the relationship, the more the impact on a person's life.