I got email from her just now...

[understandBPD]

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[Fian]

A quick google search suggests that in Iran, if you decide to contest the divorce, you have a lot of power to prevent it.  I assume you have researched it much more.  I would assume that the best card she has to play against you is abandonment as you live in different countries.

https://www.nydivorcefirm.com/no-7-3-divorce-and-womens-options-law-and-practice-in-iran/

[Skip]

There's only about 5 or so months left before she can legally divorce.

Talk to an attorney - it would tales months (4-6) to get an uncontested divorce and much longer if contested. I'm not suggesting that you try to block a divorce - you can't build a relationship if there is power play - but a good collaborative lawyer can help you work through things.

You need to talk to an collaborative attorney.

Yes, you want to watch the clock. But don't shortchange doing the work. She will be able to tell.

And again, it's a very damaged relationship, and recovery may be possible or it may not be possible, but it will surely be uncertain and that is hard. You won't know its unrecoverable until it is. Just don't do anything what you have been doing.

Doing the work has to be because you believe you need to grow.

[understandBPD]

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[Fian]

So, on the blocking marriage strat.  I would like to make some key points:
1.  It would be good to talk to an attorney now.  Know exactly what your options are, and what things to avoid that might hurt your case.
2.  This is the nuclear option.  You will probably want to exhaust all other options before trying this tactic.  If you use this tactic, she will be more resistant to reconciliation.

[Fian]

If she has to divorce you in Australia, I imagine that takes some money.  Money she doesn't have.  Maybe her father could pay it, but he would probably hate to do so.  I suspect that you have more leverage than you think, although you really need an attorney to advise you.  I also suspect that Iran does not take kindly to women bypassing their system of divorce, so there might be cards for you to play there.

Now, protesting the divorce begs 3 questions:
1.  Do you think it is morally right to block your wife from getting a divorce?  Biblically, I could probably build a weak case that it is moral, but the Bible doesn't address this question directly.
2.  Do you want to be married to a woman who does not want to be married to you?  If you successfully block the divorce, she can turn very nasty towards you in attempt to make you agree to the divorce.  So far she has hurt you deeply without that being her goal; imagine what she could do if hurting you was the goal.
3.  What will blocking the divorce accomplish?  In my mind, the main reason to block the divorce is to force her into marital counseling.  You will only agree to not block a divorce, after she has demonstrated a good faith effort to save it.

[understandBPD]

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[Fian]

I think most on this board would advise for you to talk to an attorney early.  Men are often at a disadvantage in divorce, and there are a lot of traps to avoid.  Besides the items that you listed, there is alimony (called maintenance in Australia).

[Skip]

different in australia i am pretty sure once the 12 months are up its a matter of a month or 2 at most there's not even really anyway to contest  the divorce obviously if there's a way to delay it i will.

I have no first hand experience in Australian law, but there are Australian law firms suggesting that it's a 4 month process at best in an uncontested divorce.

If I remember correctly, she talked to you about a religious divorce and that doesn't sound like a Australian thing. Iran? Turkey?

As you were married in Turkey, does she even need a divorce to claim she is single in Iran.

Fian is right, you need to get a consult with an attorney and soon.

[understandBPD]

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[ForeverDad]

Now, protesting the divorce begs 3 questions:
1.  Do you think it is morally right to block your wife from getting a divorce?  Biblically, I could probably build a weak case that it is moral, but the Bible doesn't address this question directly.
2.  Do you want to be married to a woman who does not want to be married to you?  If you successfully block the divorce, she can turn very nasty towards you in attempt to make you agree to the divorce.  So far she has hurt you deeply without that being her goal; imagine what she could do if hurting you was the goal.
3.  What will blocking the divorce accomplish?  In my mind, the main reason to block the divorce is to force her into marital counseling.  You will only agree to not block a divorce, after she has demonstrated a good faith effort to save it.

I'll add a fourth question.

4.  Even if you can manage to talk her down from proceeding with a divorce process at this time, do you have any assurance that she won't do this all over again, and again, the next times she gets triggered and feels this way?

While the recommendation that you seek legal advice is good, not just any lawyer would have the experience to deal with all the possible factors, especially the international aspects of when and where married, where you are, where she is, where she is seeking to file for divorce, etc.

I will simply state in generic perspective that she is an adult, just as you are an adult.  Notice how I am stressing that you are both adults, a relatively equal status.  If she as an adult chooses to end an adult relationship, most countries will provide a path for that to happen, much as a referee in a sports event will ensure the rules are followed during the event.

If she continues to refuse to listen to you, which is not uncommon in BPD relationships, you may not succeed in getting her to see your point of view.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships, and what is closer than two spouses?  The likely problem now is that there is too much emotional baggage from the relationship for her to listen to you.  That is why an emotionally neutral therapist is so important.  And that is why so many of BPD-impacted relationships fail, the other person either refused therapy or more importantly refused to apply the life skills needed.

Maybe you can get her to marital counseling, maybe not.  There's nothing wrong with trying, that's good on your part, but be aware that good intentions don't always work, you may have to let her go.

[Fian]

UnderstandBPD, is your reluctance to meet with a lawyer due to a concern that it acknowledges the divorce?  I know that you are deadset against facilitating a divorce.  Emotionally, I can understand how meeting with an attorney makes the divorce proceedings more real, however just meeting with a divorce attorney doesn't make the divorce any more likely to occur.  In fact, it might give you some options on how to delay the divorce or motivate your wife to attend marital counseling.

Also, earlier I mentioned that your wife may have difficulty paying for the divorce, however as I think through things more, I imagine that in a Western country, your wife's attorney has ways to make you pay for it.

[understandBPD]

I won't be participating in this thread i do not believe in divorce and it's not something that i want on my mind.

Thank you