Story of us

[ConstantTurmoil]

This is my first post, and I am both relieved  to find a community I can relate to—and further saddened by the posts I’ve read.
I am a mother of a 25 year old son and 23 year old daughter—who both have BPD or BPD traits. We all went through a horrible divorce when my kids were 1 & 3, with consequences affecting their entire lives. My children’s father is a mentally ill (possibly BPD)  with substance abuse issues, but that’s a whole other discussion.

During the divorce, (22 years ago) I distinctly remember the court-appointed Guardian Ad Litem saying that my kids will be so messed up by our conflict. She was right.  Little did I know how badly they would end up.  Trying to coparent with an abusive ex with mental illness, substance abuse issues and alcoholism was not an easy task. In fact, it was impossible and the kids were the casualties in our war.

Fast forward to today, they have both suffered from  anxiety and depression, made suicide threats and attempts, one is completely non-functional (like his father) and the other is a highly functional BPD. Both abuse substances.  He smokes weed all day for many years and sleeps all day—living at his father’s. She has ended up in the hospital so many times due to her drug use—and still continues to party. She doesn’t learn.

 He was a terrible student with severe ADHD  and never went to college. She went away to NYC for college and with 1 class short of earning her finance degree—she abruptly and without notice, moved to the other side of the world and got into DJ-ing.  

What is most disappointing about her is that we went through an intense DBT program together when she was 16, and I and her therapists believed she was well a year later. Well, she wasn’t.  And I now believe her “recovery “ was just her play to get us to send her to NYC and pay for her life there.

 We did have about 2 years where she seemed to be doing well. Then everything went sideways when she realized she was sexually abused as a child—by my son. That was the most heartbreaking moment of my life—to be told that one child was   abused by my other child. He denies it. And she blames me. It’s my fault that I didn’t know. I should have known. But who would ever imagine such a thing? Having 2 kids close in age, and a new marriage—I never knew. I was the type of mother that didn’t let the kids sleep out because I worried about what may happen.I was distressed when they went away to their father’s, knowing he wasn’t supervising them properly.  I was overprotective as hell! But had no idea what was happening in my own home.  A lot of guilt. And shame. And sadness. For me, for her, and for him.

Since then, her life has been a downward spiral of partying, substance abuse, and most recently her running away to another country.
My son denies and minimizes everything—and often disappears and goes no-contact. He has made suicide threats. He isn’t capable of having a discussion, never has been. I don’t think he has any understanding or empathy. I’ve sought the help of therapists and they can’t help. I’ve given up on him. More guilt there.
 
Currently, I am constantly troubled by my daughter’s life and behaviors.I had so many hopes and dreams for her, and I genuinely thought she was heading in the right direction during her college years. I thought that finally, she turned a page and we could have a loving mother-daughter relationship.  
That is not the case. If I say anything to her about her lifestyle, or how she is harming herself, I am immediately shut down and even blocked.  Not sure how to go on like this. How do you give up on your children? How do you continue being blamed and treated badly? I can’t have any peace of mind or happiness. I can’t enjoy my life with my husband when we’re nearing retirement. What a sad reality.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi ConstantTurmoil, glad you landed here and felt ready to share your story. I hear so much grief and regret in your words. Many of us here look back on the past, and wish things could have gone differently. You're not alone.

So your kids are both young adults now -- when did you start suspecting BPD for them? Have either of them received a diagnosis? Diagnosis or not, do either of your kids seem to accept that they may have BPD, or do they reject that possibility?

The picture I'm getting is that your S25 lives with his dad, and am I reading correctly that your D23 -- when around -- stays with you? What does communication look like between you and your kids? I.e., do they typically reach out with a text to you occasionally, do you all use social media, do they not contact you at all, do you spend time together at holidays...?

One of the difficult things for many parents here is grieving the loss of who you wanted your kids to be and the loss of the lives you wanted them to have. No parent wants a child to have an unstable, trauma-filled life. It must be so heartbreaking to watch your kids seem to choose depression, denial, drugs, and instability, when all you wanted for them was love, peace, and health.

I wonder what it would be like for you to process the end of your "parent / minor child" relationship, and to move towards a "parent / adult child" relationship -- where you acknowledge to yourself that you had many dreams for them and that now, with both of them being adults, you may need to lay those dreams to rest and "let go with love", allowing them to be who they are now despite it looking so different from what you would have wanted.

Maybe instead of that being "giving up" on your son or daughter, it can be a loving thing to do as your relationship naturally changes. You are giving your children space to take responsibility for their own lives. You have tried to help them by showing them that therapy is an option, and even though neither of them have taken that seriously so far, perhaps later on they will remember and try again on their own.

ConstantTurmoil, one phrase that you might run across here on the Parenting board is "when we know better, we do better". Parents did the best they could in the past with the information they had, and there can be many regrets about not knowing more or doing better then. Now, though, you are here, you are willing to learn and try new things, and while your relationship with your children wBPD may never be the "Hallmark channel" relationship, it may get to a point of being "okay enough for you".

In fact, I think this is a good realization you had:

Currently, I am constantly troubled by my daughter’s life and behaviors.I had so many hopes and dreams for her, and I genuinely thought she was heading in the right direction during her college years. I thought that finally, she turned a page and we could have a loving mother-daughter relationship. 
That is not the case. If I say anything to her about her lifestyle, or how she is harming herself, I am immediately shut down and even blocked.  Not sure how to go on like this. How do you give up on your children? How do you continue being blamed and treated badly? I can’t have any peace of mind or happiness. I can’t enjoy my life with my husband when we’re nearing retirement. What a sad reality.

In a "typical" relationship, maybe she would hear you out. However, you're noticing that her BPD may be impacting this "typical" interaction. The good thing is that you can gift yourself the freedom to grieve the lifestyle you wanted for her, and move forward, accepting that while you disagree with her approach, she is an adult and you no longer have to feel guilt over trying to point out her negative choices. You are free to focus on those moments that are positive and light, without responsibility to correct her or push her towards health. Difficult, but hopefully freeing for you?

Of course, there are many paths forward. As you settle in here and keep reading, you'll see parents taking approaches ranging from "I had to get a restraining order on my child" through "my child can live with me in my home". There isn't one right answer, as every situation is different. Know that you can choose whatever works best for you (and your husband) without judgment here.

I guess that was a lot! Just know that you are in a place of compassion. Let us know how you are doing, whenever works best for you;

kells76

P.S. Do check out our section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder if you would like to dive in to learning some more tools and skills.

[Pook075]

Hey Constant- welcome and thank you for sharing.  I have a 25 year old BPD daughter with a BPD ex as well so I've been on this same journey.  However, mine turned out a lot differently once I adjusted my expectations.

My daughter is still "ill", even after years of DBT and real work to get better.  Today, she's still in bed because she has a job interview in a few hours and her stomach has been a mess (likely thinking about all the ways she could fail).  Last week, she visited three different friends in three different states because in her words "it was good for her mental health".  It's being irresponsible and childish...but that's okay.  We'll get to that in a moment.

What differs between our stories is our outlook.  I did want the world for my daughter.  Genius IQ, great work ethic, she could have been anything in this world if she had applied herself.  Yet she kept coming up just a hair short due to lack of motivation or self-doubt.  In other words, she's sabotaged almost everything good in her life and chose the wrong path, the path that's going to bring her the most pain and heartache.

Several years back, I accepted that my child was an adult and she had to learn right from wrong on her own terms.  At one point, that meant kicking her out of the house.  At another point, it meant breaking off contact when she couldn't speak to me with respect.  Those times hurt, for sure, but they allowed her to find her place in life on her own terms and realize who really had her back.

Maybe you don't want your child to be a DJ overseas, but when you voice that opinion to someone with BPD, what they probably hear is, "You're a failure and I am ashamed of you."  Maybe you say it with kindness and compassion, but they still hear the exact same message because they've heard it their entire lives.  They think, "Why can't I just be normal," and everyone around them reinforces that viewpoint through their disordered thinking.

For your daughter, the key message should be, "I love you and I support you no matter what."  You might think that's counter-productive, but the main goal here is to earn her trust once again and connect on a deeper level.  Judgement, even a little bit, is 100x more powerful in her mind and wipes out any good you're already doing.  You can accomplish so much more as her ally than you'll ever be able to do as a "nagging parent". 

After all, if she's one credit short of graduating, then she can graduate at any time.  Let her chase her DJ dreams and if it works out, fantastic.  If it doesn't, then you can encourage her to finish out school.

For your son, the same advice applies- he has to find his path on his own and he's not going to get help until he's ready to actually change.  For my daughter, it took a heck of a lot to actually get serious about turning her life around, it was way more turmoil than the average person would put up with.  To me, the important thing is that we've rebuilt our relationship and she now comes to me for advice and actually listens. 

Neither one of your kids are there at the moment, but that doesn't change what you have to do as a loving mom.  Let them make mistakes and grow from it, and when they're ready they'll get the help they need.  You are powerless to change that but you can choose to be a part of their lives by just showing love & support without the judgement.  That's step one in rebuilding what has been broken.

Please know that I'm preaching from the choir here, because I used to have epic fights with my kid and she's hated me most of her life.  I had to let go though before she could actually see me for who I am, and now we're actually close because of it.  I hope that helps!

[Jackie101]

Currently, I am constantly troubled by my daughter’s life and behaviors.I had so many hopes and dreams for her, and I genuinely thought she was heading in the right direction during her college years. I thought that finally, she turned a page and we could have a loving mother-daughter relationship. 
That is not the case. If I say anything to her about her lifestyle, or how she is harming herself, I am immediately shut down and even blocked.  Not sure how to go on like this. How do you give up on your children? How do you continue being blamed and treated badly?
I can relate. My daughter is 23, got fired from yet another job. Started an awful job to make good money as a stripper

[Pook075]

Currently, I am constantly troubled by my daughter’s life and behaviors.I had so many hopes and dreams for her, and I genuinely thought she was heading in the right direction during her college years. I thought that finally, she turned a page and we could have a loving mother-daughter relationship. 
That is not the case. If I say anything to her about her lifestyle, or how she is harming herself, I am immediately shut down and even blocked.  Not sure how to go on like this. How do you give up on your children? How do you continue being blamed and treated badly?
I can relate. My daughter is 23, got fired from yet another job. Started an awful job to make good money as a stripper

13 months ago, my wife left and my world fell apart.  My brother died a few weeks later, and my first grandchild was born around the same time.  Life was pure chaos and I was broken, reeling over not knowing what to do or which way to turn.  I dug into my faith though and my life quickly started to change, with new doors opening all around me.  My world exploded yet I felt truly blessed and thankful for the start of each day.

A few months after that, I was suddenly laid off from my job.  It wasn't for performance, the company was just downsizing and I left on good terms.  Still, I was worried about bills and how I'd get through without my wife's income and now without my own.  Things were already tight as it was.

Within days, my uncle was diagnosed with cancer and it was pretty clear that he was at the end.  And that may sound like horrible news on top of horrible news, but it turned out to be a huge blessing because I had the time to be there for my family and help them set up at-home hospice.  I had gone through it a few years earlier with my dad and I was so thankful for being able to be there and comfort my aunt.  Again, what felt like a tragedy was actually a blessing in disguise.

I share this to say that while it may seem like your child is on the completely wrong path and needs to be "saved" from herself right this moment, what she really needs is the realization that she needs help.  Every bad decision she makes brings her one step closer to doing that, and the universe has a way of self-correcting us when we need it the most.  Just like in my story, as some doors close others will open, and your job is to support your kid while she gets to wherever she's supposed to be. 

None of this is on you- it's 100% her life and her choices.  The only choice you do have is whether or not to love and support her as she goes through this.  The actual journey is hers though and you have to accept that.

[ConstantTurmoil]

Thank you life all of your comments. I just read them today and they were very helpful. I will have to work on trying to be accepting, supportive and keeping a lid on any judgment—which is hard for me. My problem is, how do you act lovingly and supportive when your child is rude, disrespectful and even blocks you from calling or texting?  In December, I decided to go visit her in NY, because for a long time she flamed me for not visiting her overseas. So I went for a weekend, hopeful to spend some quality time with her. She visited me at the hotel with her boyfriend for dinner on Friday night. Then Saturday I saw her for an hour and Sunday another hour before I left. In my mind, I came out there by myself and only spent 3-4 hours with her over an entire weekend. I don’t ever travel along, and went out of my comfort zone because I wanted to show her that I cared. But it didn’t work, it was a huge disappointment to me, and she could care less that I came. She told my husband that she had plans and didn’t ask me to come. These type of behaviors and words are the norm, and I keep getting hurt by her actions. I know I have to lower my expectations, and do things differently. I am trying, but it is very difficult to show love and support to someone who treats me like a stranger.

[ConstantTurmoil]

Thank you for all of your comments. I just read them today and they were very helpful. I will have to work on trying to be accepting, supportive and keeping a lid on any judgment—which is hard for me. My problem is, how do you act lovingly and supportive when your child is rude, disrespectful and even blocks you from calling or texting?  In December, I decided to go visit her in NY, because for a long time she blamed me for not visiting her overseas. So I went for a weekend, hopeful to spend some quality time with her. She visited me at the hotel with her boyfriend for dinner on Friday night. Then Saturday I saw her for an hour and Sunday another hour before I left. In my mind, I came out there by myself and only spent 3-4 hours with her over an entire weekend. I don’t ever travel along, and went out of my comfort zone because I wanted to show her that I cared. But it didn’t work, it was a huge disappointment to me, and she could care less that I came. She told my husband that she had plans and didn’t ask me to come. These type of behaviors and words are the norm, and I keep getting hurt by her actions. I know I have to lower my expectations, and do things differently. I am trying, but it is very difficult to show love and support to someone who treats me like a stranger.

[Pook075]

My problem is, how do you act lovingly and supportive when your child is rude, disrespectful and even blocks you from calling or texting? 

All actions have consequences- good or bad.  When your daughter treats you poorly and you simply accept it, that also has consequences because it teaches her that it's okay to treat mom that way...she deserves it and I can take advantage of her whenever I want.  Is that the message you're trying to send? 

For now, she's in NY living her best life.  Good for her.  It will work out or it won't.  You have to let her live her life and face the consequences of those choices. You have zero control over this situation.

Why?  You've made it known she's making a mistake.  She disagrees.  But the more you push, the less she wants to talk to you.  So stop pushing, just be her mom and be there for her emotionally. 

If she's blocked you, then your job is pretty easy- live your life until she reaches out.  And once she does, keep living your life and finding your own happiness.  In other words, don't let her actions define you because it has nothing to do with you.  This is all on her.

[livednlearned]

Trying to coparent with an abusive ex with mental illness, substance abuse issues and alcoholism was not an easy task.

I feel for you CT. My son is now 22 and his father was abusive with mental illness(es) and substance/alcohol issues. It's a rough road for everyone, an understatement for sure. Things happened with my son's father that I still struggle to describe to myself much less other people. 

Something I'm still wrapping my head around is how anxiety-driven much of my behavior was, and can still be.

After my ex lost custody and things settled down, my son was hospitalized for severe anemia and had 3 surgeries over the span of 18 months. He developed a complicated wound that took years to heal and during the pandemic his social life was basically 1x weekly visits to the wound clinic. It's a miracle he finished high school.

I am in a radical phase right now where I refuse to let anxiety drive me anymore.

Easier said than done but letting it fuel me as a parent got me nowhere and just made it worse. There are family systems theories that support this.

My anxiety has done no one any good, least of all me. It certainly didn't help me see how sick my kid was right in front of me. It didn't help him heal faster. It didn't help him get through the pandemic. And it did nothing to help him kick start his life after things went back to normal.

S22 has a trait called demand avoidance that triggers overwhelming anxiety when anyone, including him, places a demand on him, even, at times, when it's something he wants to do. It's nuts.

Maybe surrendering your anxiety will create space for your kids to seek you out.

I know it's not easy. Believe me.

What worked for me may not work for you but at a minimum, you deserve to take care of yourself.