III. A difficult email (Christian discussion)

[understandBPD]

Continued from

You are at a crossroads. Do you want to do more of  the same that has resulting increasing silence, resistance, and annoyance? Or do you want to change?

I would like to change and i got email from her just now which is upsetting to read.

"Hi *****.
Thank you for remembering my birthday, I have received the package.
Unfortunately I'm still in the same place as before and pursuing a divorce.
Send my love to your mother and grandmother and thank them from me.
Thank you again."

Usually i would reply to something like this straight away but im just going to sit on it and do nothing and see what people here think about it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I would like to change and i got email from her just now which is upsetting to read.

"Hi *****.
Thank you for remembering my birthday, I have received the package.
Unfortunately I'm still in the same place as before and pursuing a divorce.
Send my love to your mother and grandmother and thank them from me.
Thank you again."

Usually i would reply to something like this straight away but im just going to sit on it and do nothing and see what people here think about it.

Understandable that this is upsetting to you. I agree with your idea to not respond at the moment. Before responding - let the board members here who have been supporting you talk out any responses with you. As a general rule, something written when being upset may not be the best response or what you'd want to write after giving it some thought.

[Skip]

I am very sorry. I know your heart is broken. I pray for you to have strength and wisdom now. Everyone here has been heartbroken... we know the depths of that despair. I came here in 2006 in deep emotional pain and struggling with feeling of great loss (Member: Skippy). I think it would be good for you to open a second thread on the Conflicted Board and work through your feelings there. You need an outlet for your sorrow and other feelings. Don't go it alone.

Coaching anyone at a time like this is difficult because what you are feeling and what makes the most sense to do are widely divergent. I don't want to add to your pain. I'm sharing this draft as starting point for discussions with the group for when you are ready.

I picked my words carefully to be warm to her and lower the tensions, to softly infer that you are questioning your prior actions (and not going to double down), and to set up for the apology you wanted to send later. With these two communications (this one and the apology) you may be able to open the door for mending the divide and to show that you are going to be different. Whether you recover this relationship of not, change is going to be important for your life going forward. It was for me. It was for many who are posting in this thread.

I do need to say this to be clear. Please do not be offended. I want to help you, but I do not want to give you words to use that don't have substance behind them. If you can't make a commitment to be genuine behind these words, I would ask that you not use them. This is important to me personally. I apologize for injecting my needs into this difficult time.

I would try to get back to her within 24 hours if you can bring yourself to do it. Leaving it unanswered for too long will elevate the tensions and make whatever you say seem less genuine.

Again, I am so sorry. I pray for strength and wisdom for you.

DRAFT

Thank you for writing to me.

I really wasn’t expecting this, but I hear you. I know this must be extremely difficult for you. I will pray for you to have strength and wisdom.

There are things we will need to discuss, but first I would like to take a little time to process this and all that has happened. I need to think about who I am and who I want to be. I hope that is OK with you.

I respect you. I want what is right for you.

[understandBPD]

Thank you for the reply its definetly something different than what i would want to say.

Perhaps something like

"Dear ****,

Thank you for writing to me.

I really wasn't expecting this but i understand why you feel that way right now. I know this has been very difficult for you. I will continue to pray for you.

There are things we need to talk about, but first i would like to take some time to process this and everything that has happened. I need some time to think about this and pray on it with God. I hope that is OK with you.

I respect you. I want whats best for you."

This more how i would word it is there any issues with this ? i didn't really like the who i am and who i want to be stuff does not sound like something i would say i don't want her to think its not even me writing the email and even the above is def not something i would say to her because it implies acceptance of what shes saying i don't really agree/accept her saying she is persuing divorce and think its wrong and a mistake.

A quick google search suggests that in Iran, if you decide to contest the divorce, you have a lot of power to prevent it.

We married in turkey legally / religiously because the process was faster if she opts to divorce she won't do it through iran and its unlikely she will do it through turkey since there's also similar clauses to prevent divorce. She will wait out the 12 months then do it in Australia and there's no protection against divorce here unfortunately and she knows this.

I trusted her to not do something like this to me and she promised she would never resort to anything like this its extremely disappointing.

I will say on a positive note and perhaps im just being hopeful or im in denial about this the way she worded it to me at least implies she still isn't 100% set on divorce i say this mainly because she said "unfortunately" and she's in the same place as before and pursuing a divorce.

To me this implies its a sad , unfortunate or difficult and there's not really anything she has to or can do other than wait out the time period of 12 months so there's nothing to persue as far im aware.

I'd like to try to remain hopeful and believe she can be reasonable and at some point ask her if we can spend these last few months talking about the marriage and see if there's any steps we could take to try to resolve the issues she has within the marriage.

What do you guys think ?

[Skip]

Let's look at your intention.

This is an opportunity to set up 3 or 4 communications over the next 150 days that show the beginning of real change. The first two (this letter and the apology) can be worked up before the end of the year. The third letter should include some serious self reflection (we will help) - with no ask of her or pressure.  The fourth letter will show some significant effort to grow (e.g., enrollment in a christian marriage class at a well respected seminary, volunteering to work for a women's domestic abuse shelter or working a domestic abuse hotline) - experinces you can talk about - with no ask of her or pressure. After things have had time to gel and you have actually learned some new things and broadened your perspective, maybe you can suggest that she delay the divorce so two of you talk a little on the phone (reacquaint, nothing heavy). Maybe that will lead to a couple of 2-3 day vacations together over a 9 month period.

The details and timing need to be determined but this roughly what a 12 month healing plan would look like. I would not present a plan to her, I would just work through each steps and let the work speak for you and let the Holy Spirit do the rest.

There is no guarantee that she will soften her heart, but if she were, its going to happen in baby steps like this and she is going to be skeptical for a long while that your idea of change may not be enough, the right changes, or for the right reasons.  And truthfully, you may not want to, or may be unable to make the changes she would like to see.  You have to embark on the journey and see where it leads you both.

Now, back to the words...

Thank you for writing to me.
Thank you for writing to me.

I really wasn’t expecting this, but I hear you.
I really wasn't expecting this but i understand why you feel that way right now.
Your's is better. I would drop the "right now". It may be read that you aren't talking her seriously and think this is an impulse. That will be very invalidating.

I know this must be extremely difficult for you. I will pray for you to have strength and wisdom.
I know this has been very difficult for you. I will continue to pray for you.
Do not use the word "continue" in any context.   You are not going to continue to do more of the same. I would also be specific about what you are praying for and it should be about her. Your revision could be read as "I will pray for you to see things as I do.". Not good.

There are things we will need to discuss, but first I would like to take a little time to process this and all that has happened.
There are things we need to talk about, but first i would like to take some time to process this and everything that has happened.

I need to think about who I am and who I want to be.
I need some time to think about this and pray on it with God
Stay away from the old language - you have said this before and she has seen where that ended up. Be bold and daring about having self-doubt. You're a strong man. You come back 30 days after the apology (60 days after this letter) and tell her where your soul searching has lead you - where you were wrong and what you want to change it (topic for another email). You could possibly ask for her thoughts.

I hope that is OK with you.
I hope that is OK with you.

I respect you. I want what is right for you.

[understandBPD]

The details and timing need to be determined but this roughly what a 12 month healing plan would look like.

There's only about 5 or so months left before she can legally divorce.

Now, back to the words...

So this basically

Dear Wife,

Thank you for writing to me.

I wasn't expecting this but i understand why you feel that way.

I know this must be extremely difficult for you. I will pray for you to have strength and wisdom.

There are things we need to talk about, but first i would like to take a little time to process this and all that has happened.

I need time to think about who i am and who i want to be. I hope that is ok with you.

I respect you. I want what is right for you.

[stolencrumbs]

Maybe Christian ears hear this differently, but I'd think twice about the "I will pray for you" language. To my ears, it borders on condescending and runs the risk of communicating that you will pray for God to help her make the decisions you want her to make.

[understandBPD]

Talk to an attorney - it would tales months (4-6) to get an uncontested divorce and much longer if contested.

different in australia i am pretty sure once the 12 months are up its a matter of a month or 2 at most there's not even really anyway to contest  the divorce obviously if there's a way to delay it i will.

What i really want to say and how i would reply would be the following

Dear Wife,

Thank you for writing to me.

Yes it is unfortunate that you are still in the same place as before and to be expected because we haven't been able to talk about what has happened and there's been no opportunity to resolve any conflict.

I think it would be good if we could atleast have some communication over what has and is happening.

I really feel like the other message is a mistake it feels like i've given up and accepted there's nothing i can do anymore

These long term plans with months of waiting seem like a disaster to me she's been gone for 6 months had extremely limited contact and hasn't made a single attempt to reach out or fix anything or even want communication.

I don't really understand how accepting she wants a divorce then just letting months pass (months being closer and closer to the date of what she's told me she's persuing) is somehow going to work in my favor ?

Surely showing her that i think what shes doing is a mistake and because she's stonewalled we haven't even begun to have any opportunity to see if anything can be resolved we haven't gone to couples counselling we haven't even been able to have a phone call or sit face to face and talk about it.

I would be more inclined to tell her i would like you to tell me face to face you don't love me and you want a divorce. If you can comfortably do that and say it with absolute truth and mean it then ill believe it.

For me its 1 thing to say you want a divorce in an email and type stuff but its completely different to speak to the person or stand there face to face and say these things and you can easily read them.

I still haven't sent anything but i am fighting every instinct to send a message i want and feel umcomfortable about the earlier message like its a mistake and sabotaging any chance i have.

I would be interested to see what others think as well.

[stolencrumbs]

different in australia i am pretty sure once the 12 months are up its a matter of a month or 2 at most there's not even really anyway to contest  the divorce obviously if there's a way to delay it i will.

What i really want to say and how i would reply would be the following

I really feel like the other message is a mistake it feels like i've given up and accepted there's nothing i can do anymore

These long term plans with months of waiting seem like a disaster to me she's been gone for 6 months had extremely limited contact and hasn't made a single attempt to reach out or fix anything or even want communication.

I don't really understand how accepting she wants a divorce then just letting months pass (months being closer and closer to the date of what she's told me she's persuing) is somehow going to work in my favor ?

Surely showing her that i think what shes doing is a mistake and because she's stonewalled we haven't even begun to have any opportunity to see if anything can be resolved we haven't gone to couples counselling we haven't even been able to have a phone call or sit face to face and talk about it.

I would be more inclined to tell her i would like you to tell me face to face you don't love me and you want a divorce. If you can comfortably do that and say it with absolute truth and mean it then ill believe it.

For me its 1 thing to say you want a divorce in an email and type stuff but its completely different to speak to the person or stand there face to face and say these things and you can easily read them.

I still haven't sent anything but i am fighting every instinct to send a message i want and feel umcomfortable about the earlier message like its a mistake and sabotaging any chance i have.

I would be interested to see what others think as well.

I get you wanting to say something like that. I really do. For reasons that are throughout this thread, I would say that telling her she's making a mistake and basically daring her to tell you to your face that she wants a divorce will absolutely sabotage your chances of reconciling. I don't have great suggestions for alternative messages. There are probably lots of options. But I feel pretty certain that "you're making a mistake and come say it to my face" are not among the better options. (I know those aren't the words you would use, but that is the upshot of the message.)

[once removed]

I would be interested to see what others think as well.

You woke up to your wife telling you she's pursuing a divorce.

I read your post today, first thing when I woke up. Im not involved directly. I've never met either of you. But I felt a kick in the gut. It's sad that things have gotten to this point.

With all of the advice you've received, you get this news, and you think it's a good idea to double down on invalidating her, and dare her to divorce you in person? Not just more of the same, but an extra helping? And you think maybe it will work this time?

I get that you're hurt, man, this must have been devastating news, but if you can't see the urgency of the situation, after all this time, you're never going to.

[understandBPD]

With all of the advice you've received, you get this news, and you think it's a good idea to double down on invalidating her, and dare her to divorce you in person? Not just more of the same, but an extra helping? And you think maybe it will work this time?

She's never told me she does not love me the 1 time we were having difficulties early on i asked her straight face to face when she was being extremely harsh do you love me ? she started crying and said i do and then we stopped fighting.

She's refused to see me or speak to me properly since the day she's left there's a obvious reason for that and i believe its too difficult for her to say this to me and its easy to type it that was the idea behind it not im daring her.

It's just difficult to read an email from your wife who you haven't seen basically since she's left or been able to have a single conversation with to communicate things to then be told she still wants a divorce ?

Yeah how is it suprising to anyone or to her she is still in the same place she hasn't allowed anything to change or allowed any communication so yeah obviously your going to be in the same place to me this is clear self sabotage and running from her problems its easier to just ignore the person refuse to communicate and say they want a divorce. Than to sit down and talk with them in person or even on the phone.

I went ahead and sent the msg we agreed on even though my instincts told me its a bad idea im going to try to do things differently.

if you can't see the urgency of the situation, after all this time, you're never going to.

I see the urgency but i can also see someone who is intentionally blocking any chance of changing the outcome and it's extremely upsetting. Today has been 1 of the worse since she's left.

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s what I don’t understand. What happened immediately prior to her leaving?

Reading your account of the relationship history, it seems as if she had been depressed for some time when living in your country. However, I’m assuming the doors of communication were still open.

At some point, they later slammed shut.

What can you think of that happened prior to that?

[Cat Familiar]

You will only agree to not block a divorce, after she has demonstrated a good faith effort to save it.

This sentence was written by a man.

From a female perspective, this would be  a manipulative power play by someone who is currently not holding many good cards.

In addition, women are wired like prey animals when backed into a corner. You don’t want to go there.

[understandBPD]

I imagine that takes some money.  Money she doesn't have.

I'm still sending her money though which you can be sure is probably going to fund this at this point now ...

Now, protesting the divorce begs 3 questions:

1.Yes i believe its morally right and i've told her in advanced i would never agree to a divorce or make it easy because i don't consider it an option and its what we agreed to.
2.The goal would be to delay the divorce and to try to open communication to a point where she could see that we don't have any major issues that require divorce.
3.I believe that we should utilize various options or at the very least be able to sit down and discuss everything like 2 mature adults as much as people here don't like me saying it this behaviour is irrational and childish. She's a married woman behaving like a 14-15 yr old and treating me like i am her 1 week long boyfriend or something to me this shows she isn't emotionally mature or ready to make the decision to divorce.

If she isn't able to communicate via phone or in person because its too difficult for her it shows that there is serious issues with her decision of divorce it shows there's still emotions involved if she was indifferent and had no issues talking to me or telling me in person sorry i don't feel that way etc then it would be upsetting but it would make sense and be more believable. (Some are going to say she's scared or something but i am telling you as the person involved with her she is not scared)

Here’s what I don’t understand. What happened immediately prior to her leaving?

As i mentioned she was okay and communicated fine when she went home she started a fight with me over being in my discord channel if you aren't familiar with what discord is just imagine a chat room it had roughly 300 people 99.9% of males 1 of these males had a female pop singer as there avatar picture this guy asked me a question in the chat room about the game we play i replied answering the question.

She was also in this discord (chat room) i had invited her previously because she wanted to be in it i had nothing to hide so i did she saw me reply to a msg of a guy asking question with the pop singers photo then got angry at me i told her its a guy and i don't personally know them i don't speak to them and there just in my guild / group in my game that was it. I told her i was happy if she wanted to msg this person herself or go into the voice channel and i could get him to prove his a guy she rejected that. (This is her own insecurity along with accusing me of cheating / saying she feels like im cheating on her many times in contrast i am a very open person i gave her full access to my computer / mobile phone / messages and told her if there's something i can do to help stop that paranoia let me know i even suggested letting her track where i am to some degree to try to build some trust she never took any of these options but continued accusing me and said to my mother in the end i cheated on her which i don't know how she came to this conclusion i don't work / associate or have any female friends i don't even have female contacts in my phone.)

What's crazy is this was a fight over a guy with a female picture that i replied to in a public channel she and everyone else can see about a video game. She on the other hand has facebook with 100's of men who actively lust after her and try to get her attention some of which she talked to as "friends" and let it go its extremely hypocritical.

Started a fight over it said i don't care about how she feels etc and its better if we don't talk because she didn't go back to her country to stress out or fight later on she hit me with the im going to see a therapist and shortly after said she isnt going to talk to me she will give me 30 mins a week to talk she didnt wanna do this but was doing it at the request of the therapist for religious reasons before divorce.

What can you think of that happened prior to that?

She had no intention of working on the marriage she wanted a way out she didn't even want to talk to me that's why i believe she started the fight over literally nothing and she knew when she tried to force the 30 min stuff knowing i didn't even do anything wrong that my stubborness would refuse and not let her get her own way she exploited/manipulated this into blocking unblocking me weekly even when i agreed with all her terms except the 30 min time window.

I agreed to be flexible compromising and discuss the issues but said i didn't agree with the 30 min window and phrasing it as "reporting" to each other and said its difficult for me to communicate like this and felt pressured and rushed she kept forcing it onto me i kept telling her it was malicious and stonewalling to manipulate the situation and said this behaviour was narcissistic.

She would say she does not care for the marriage and the only person trying to save it is me she spoke like she was a 3rd party and had no commitment or responsibility to uphold her vowels or help the marriage at all it was basically 99.9% me having to do the work and her .1% just sitting there expecting me to do everything if i decided not to then oh well.

 

This sentence was written by a man.

I don't think expecting us to work through some possibilities before just blowing up the marriage is unfair or an unrealistic expectation

To recap what we've done so far = Nothing ?

She went home caused a fight blocked me tried to limit communication refused to talk to me about the marriage and said we can use this time to improve ourselves but wasn't responsive to any communication outside of what she demanded.

I've asked to go to couples counselling = no (mostly because she knows there gonna say shes in the wrong)
I've asked to speak to her therapist = no (probably because she's lied)
I've asked her to speak to my therapist = no (probably because she does not care to fix anything or does not want to be diagnosed herself)
I've asked if we can talk about the marriage and what happened/went wrong like 2 mature adults = no
I've asked if i could see her = no
I've asked her to tell me what she needs from me to show her i am serious about this and want to change things for the better = no reply

There's probably 100's of other things ive offered but the overall consensus is she went home shut down refused to be mature about this used me and broke my heart and does not seem to care at all about ruining my life or her own.

[understandBPD]

Todays been a very difficult day but i am trying to remain hopeful that things can be changed and i need to stay focused on improving the situation.

I had a question about having someone help mediate assuming her father does not respond or is not willing to assist do you think having a mutual friend or family member like my mother try talking with her to see if she's willing to talk with them about what she's feeling what her concerns are why she feels divorce is her only option etc.

Could this be something viable ? or is it best to just try to communicate directly with her i am trying to think of different ways to approach this that may be more productive and have a more positive outcome.

So far i won't be sending flowers tomorrow or an email wishing her a happy birthday i agree these are bad ideas in this case now. I am also pondering if sending her money continously when she's actively told me shes chasing a divorce knowing im basically funding her to move closer to that financially is a good idea or not.

I'd like to wait 2 weeks and then send her an apology letter and then wait until my birthday to see if she reaches out after that contact her asking if we could use the remaining months before she can divorce to communicate and see if divorce is really the only option.

[Notwendy]

There's been no communication with this woman for 6 months and yet, on this thread, are assumptions about what she is thinking, feeling, and what she should do. Yes, of course we know our spouses but without communication- there's no way to know what they are thinking about unless they share it.

It's not even known if she has BPD but something is going on with her- she's had depression, and when married, in another country- she's been depressed and suicidal. Yes, it is true that understandingBPD didn't cause this. There is no blame here. But if she is predisposed to this- it appears she was struggling with it regardless and there could be circumstances that exacerbated it- marriage in itself is a change for her, living in a foreign country, away from her family, and also with marital relationship issues.

It may be hard to understand why, even with good intentions on your part, a relationship can break down- but if someone has a mental illness- they may be having a very different experience on their own. It's one thing to have a long distance relationship and another to be living with someone day to day. The relationship may have appeared to be something she wanted but when actually experiencing it- she couldn't manage it.

Probably the most similar experience of someone experiencing things differently is with my BPD mother. It's not the same as a marriage but it is a significant one. It's very discouraging to approach her with good intentions, try to do nice things for her and yet she experiences them as being hurtful somehow.

My BPD mother has also done very hurtful things to others, fought for control, refused to cooperate. Her interactions are similar to what you describe your wife did- act as if all would be fine, loving and caring and then it seems all is wrong. I think a part of her wants things to be this way- she wants to have a relationship but she can't sustain this want, her emotions are overwhelming to her. I think your wife also may have tried her best at this, but something led her to return to her family and home country. Even if her own family wasn't the best to her- it was familiar and so is her country.

Your wife has done a lot of hurtful things and you are hurting now too. There is a saying "hurting people hurt others" which describes the impulse we have to react when we feel someone has hurt us. Because of this- I think it's best to not send a reactive email to her at the moment or take a reactive action while feeling the shock and emotion of her decision at this time.

But if it is true that your wife has been feeling emotional pain ( maybe also due to her own tendency towards depression) then what you believe is being prideful and stubborn on her part may be her own emotional struggle which she felt was exacerbated once she was in a marriage on a day to day basis. She may have believed it was possible when she met you online, but day to day in person is different.

I don't have any advice on what you should do or say at this point. I don't have that kind of expertise.

[Skip]

... i am trying to remain hopeful that things can be changed and i need to stay focused on improving the situation...

It might be best to turn your focus on your emotional intelligence skills: self-awareness and read-the-room skills. I think you made the good choice in what to email her. At the same time, your posts over the last 30 hours are bit out-of touch with the reality of your situation and what you communicated to her.

Some quick reality bullets:

1. Her father is only going to help if she asks him to. He did intercede on your behalf to conduct reconciliation talks a while back. You said you changed. He/they didn't buy it. It was a difficult time.

2. She is at the end of her rope. Within the last 48 hours you received a very negative response to her birthday package thanks, but I'm pursuing a divorce. It was very clear message that communications over the last 6 months have widened the divide.

3. You are not ready to have a meaningful "change" conversation. Nothing has changed yet. Things you said over the last 7 months (over the last 72 hours) have not changed much. Your heart has not changed. You need to do the work.

She is never coming back to what existed. That's clear. Many of us had to face this reality. If she comes back it will be to a different marriage. Not sure what that means, but she does.

4. Don't let your last email or your apology become a Trojan horse. The email you sent her yesterday was very nice/. However, given the history, it was probably received as "Wow, not what I expected! Good. But, what is he up to? When is the next shoe going to drop?"

She doesn't trust things yet. She's painted a dark picture of you in her mind. It will take many "good" moves before any of it will seem believable.

The fact is, you don't trust her either. You've painted a dark picture of her in your mind.

Shock her (in a good way). Wait a month. Show her (don't tell her) the mania and desperation has ended. Then send the apology with no requests (forgiveness, etc.). And give the apology time to sink in.

Draft the apology and let's talk about it as a group. You need a female viewpoint for sure. But most importantly, it has to be from your heart.

I am also pondering if sending her money continously when she's actively told me shes chasing a divorce knowing im basically funding her to move closer to that financially is a good idea or not.

Emotional intelligence. Look at this from her viewpoint, not just yours. What message are you sending by cutting off her allowance? That you accept the divorce is imminent? That you are putting financial pressure on her to yield?

We have strongly suggested that you not manipulate the money... don't give more around her birthday, don't give her less because of an email.

Besides, isn't a failure to provide for the wife (Nafaqah)one of the grounds for a divorce in Iran.

One last thought. What did you love about her? What do you miss? What are examples of great memories from your 10 month cohabitation? What makes her happy? What makes her sad?

[Notwendy]

I won't comment about whether or not one should divorce. That is a boundary for you. I don't have personal experience with it but I know people who have experienced it and  it's been a difficult and painful path to walk. They don't take it lightly. Some have been the recipients of a spouse's decision and others have made that decision but either way, it's been emotionally, and sometimes financially difficult and sometimes made after much deliberation. This is one reason why it's a regulation on this board to not tell someone to either leave or stay in a relationship. That is their own decision.

I have tried to point out that it is possible for two people to have completely different personal experiences in a same situation. It's even more different when someone has a mental illness. The distorted thoughts and emotions are shaped through that. I don't know if your wife has BPD or not but during the time she lived with you in another country she was depressed and suicidal. Yes, she had these issues before so you didn't cause them but this was her experience when living with you. It's emotionally easier to have a relationship with a less vulnerable attachment. Meeting someone online, long distance - these are different than living together. Yes, you feel betrayed by her initial promises and agreements but for some reason, reasons we don't know because it's not possible to know without any communication with her- she was not able to maintain them with you.

How she arrived at her decision and why she did- nobody knows the process- except her therapist and her family. She didn't make this decision quickly, she thought about it for 6 months. It was very hurtful to you to be stonewalled - but we don't know why she did it. Maybe she felt too emotionally fragile to communicate with you.

You think that your wife's decision is wrong, morally wrong, and are now considering ways to stop this. But if it is what she truly wants ,after considering this for 6 months, talking to her family, and her therapist, few cultures will impede her legal right to do this. And if she doesn't want to be married to you, forcing her to remain so could lead to a very unhappy situation.

It feels helpless when someone we care about makes decisions we think are wrong but sometimes asserting control can escalate conflict too. I don't have advice on what to do, just pointing out that both of you are feeling hurt and could possibly be experiencing this situation differently.

[BPDFamily]

There is a separate thread for the legal discussion:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356597.0

[understandBPD]

communications over the last 6 months have widened the divide.

I think this is more to do with time being apart than the communciation / lack off which is why im concerned about waiting such long periods of time e.g a month +.

Look at this from her viewpoint, not just yours. What message are you sending by cutting off her allowance? That you accept the divorce is imminent? That you are putting financial pressure on her to yield?

Yes i agree.

What did you love about her? What do you miss? What are examples of great memories from your 10 month cohabitation? What makes her happy? What makes her sad?

Her personality her kindness how gentle and loving she was.
I miss her touch and just spending time with her hearing her laugh or tell me she loves me.
I miss the road trips we took in her country and travelled all over the place exploring new things together.
I miss being able to cuddle with her in our own bed or just sitting and eating a meal with her.
I used to make her happy and music makes her happy she loves animals especially kittens/cats.
She gets upset over people who are suffering or in pain and it breaks her heart to see me upset or it used to atleast.

I'm just very demotivated it just seems as if she isn't going to give me the opportunity for anything. I know what i've done wrong and how i've hurt her i know what upset her and i am not that person anymore i don't want to be prideful and stubborn and i want to make it up to her and be the husband she wanted.

If only she would forgive me for my mistakes and allow the opportunity

[Fian]

One thing that you have made clear is that you do not see remarriage after divorce is an option.  Does your wife feel the same way?  If neither one of you sees remarriage as an option, then what is the hurry to get a divorce?  My mother in law was separated for over 20 years from her unfaithful husband before opting to get a divorce.  Even though your wife currently does not see a future with you, she could still benefit from "keeping her options" open.  Both of you could change as you get older, and what may be "impossible" now, might not be true in the future.  Plus, a once a year vacation together where you are both on your best behavior would seem like a better option than no remarriage or dating for the rest of your lives.

Some caveats to the argument above.  One, your first communications should still be light.  The above discussion should be avoided in the early attempts at reconciliation.  Obviously, this argument doesn't work if she does have goals for future dating and remarriage.

[understandBPD]

Does your wife feel the same way?

From the time we've met until she left she said she only wanted to be with 1 man (why she saved herself) she said she could never imagine herself with anyone else. I want to believe that to be true but i don't.

Because she's also promised she wouldn't abandon me and also that her exact words were she does not believe in divorce "its the worst thing that could happen to any family" her parents were fighting and have had a bad marriage and her grandparents were separated she didn't want a marriage like this but now she's persuing divorce.

So i can't really believe what she says or trust it to be true. If you ask me she's probably discarded and looking for another option it does not seem like she holds any value in me or in her vowels or marriage whatsoever. When i asked her about what her plan is previous as i mentioned she said she isn't ready for another relationship which implies at some point she will be she didn't say no there's no other option or re marriage etc.

This is why to me time is important and waiting months and sending a single email seems like its a terrible plan because in those months she may start to talk with someone else she may already have done so now the more distant i become and less contact i have the easier it is to discard/forget and move on. She's attractive she has lots of guys lusting for her will they be as good as me or want to marry her unlikely but it still remains the case social media brings a lot of false confidence and attention for most women.

Probably why they don't value marriage or commitment anymore.

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