Weaponization of suicide threats

[CC43]

Despite numerous hospital stays, professional help (residential and non-residential), "time outs" from normal adult responsibilities and extensive parental support, my 26-year-old stepdaughter's rages and dysfunction seem only to worsen by the year.  She is unable to complete schoolwork or hold down a job for more than a few days.  She has been verbally abusive to former friends and extended family.  She is negative about everyone and everything.  She is recasting past slights and disappointments from a decade ago into trauma, and she absolutely cannot let them go.  She seeks to blame everyone but herself for her problems.  After multiple suicide attempts, she seems to speak more frequently of wanting to die, and though it's a cry for help, sometimes I wonder if she's "weaponizing" her disorder to get what she wants (financial support and "reparations").  Her father always swoops in, to save her life.  At one point she took medication, which appeared to help iron out her mood swings, but she decided to quit them--my suspicion is that she feared she would gain weight, and her looks are very important to her.  Do others know how to handle and de-escalate threats of unilateral assured self-destruction?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi CC43 and welcome to the group 

It must be painful and frustrating to watch your SD26 self-destruct over and over, especially when it seems like she's had every opportunity to get help.

So much of what you describe sounds familiar: anger and dysfunction, verbal abuse of loved ones, extensive negativity, inability to let go of the past, blame... you're in the right place if you're coping with a family member with those traits.

One thing that comes up across all the boards here (whether your pwBPD is a child, parent, partner, ex, sibling... any relationship) is that the tools and skills for coping with a pwBPD are nonintuitive, often opposite of what we'd "normally" do, and must be learned and practiced.

After multiple suicide attempts, she seems to speak more frequently of wanting to die, and though it's a cry for help, sometimes I wonder if she's "weaponizing" her disorder to get what she wants (financial support and "reparations").  Her father always swoops in, to save her life.

Her father is your husband, right? Am I reading you correctly that the two of you are seeing the situation differently? Were you more on the same page in the past?

How many times would you say she's made suicidal threats or statements, so far -- like single digits, or more?

Do others know how to handle and de-escalate threats of unilateral assured self-destruction?

What has been tried in the past -- have you ever called 911 or crisis units?

Sorry for so many questions, just a couple more: where does SD26 live right now, and is SD26's mom involved?

...

Family structures where there are parents, stepparents, stepkids, and BPD, can be extremely stressful -- I do understand. There's not only getting all of you through SD26's latest crisis, there's making things more workable long-term. I know in our situation (my H's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and her husband has many NPD traits), I would not have made it this far without an individual counselor, a marriage counselor for me and H, and these boards. It takes a lot of support to make it.

What does your support system look like right now? Have you and your H done any counseling, either separately or together?

And have you heard of NEA-BPD's Family Connections program? They now have two programs, one for if your family member has BPD/emotional dysregulation, and one for if your family member is suicidal. They're a reputable organization and the FC programs are free. If you haven't tried it yet, take a look, and let us know your thoughts.

Keep us posted on how you're doing -- hope you get some peace and downtime this weekend;

kells76

[Sancho]

Hi CC43
I agree with kells76 that being on the same page is important as is being as 'skilled up' as possible in trying to cope/respond to someone in your family with this serious illness.

My dd was on a mood stabilizer for a while and she did put on an enormous amount of weight which in turn fuels a bad self image which in turn feeds mood swings etc.

BPD is becoming more widely known/talked about these days and there are sites officially set up for information regarding the illness and treatment options. I suspect that this will become more so as it is becoming clear how much of the health/justice system budgets are spent in response to this condition.

I was reading up a bit the other day and especially regarding suicide. The condition does have a high suicide rate and even higher attempted/threatening suicide rate. The reason that was given for the frequency of threatening suicide was that having that door open was a way the individual could ease the intense emotional pain they were suffering ie knowing they had the choice to 'end it all' was something that could get them through an intense episode.

It made sense to me.

It is complicated by the intense need for attention. 'If I don't get attention I want to die'. The feelings of abandonment are huge.

It's all the more complicated by the way intensity shifts. They take you on a rollercoaster ride from intense emotion - rage, threats etc - to a laugh-a-minute.

Being on the same page about what support you can and want to give is important. Not getting drawn into the emotional rollercoaster ride is also important.

Thanks for posting  . . .

[CC43]

Thanks for the replies.  There were questions about the frequency and reaction to suicidal gestures.  When my stepdaughter actually attempted suicide or seemed about to attempt suicide, we took her to the emergency room.  She took herself to the emergency room a couple of times.  Then the cycle of treatment would start (in the hospital a few days until she stabilized and was released, followed by different short-term programs like residential stays or daily therapy).  She does well in therapy, and I suspect she even likes it, because everything is done for her, and she gets plenty of attention.  (I will note that she was furious the first time she was taken to the emergency room--she didn't get what she wanted when she used suicide as a threat--and she remains furious about that.)

Lately she has expressed a loss of hope and desire to die:  "I don't know how much longer I can take this; I'm not going to be living for much longer; It's hopeless, what's the point?"  She does not say these things to me, because I'm just her stepmom and she has her parents in her life.  When I'm with her, I try to keep the conversation light and in the present, so that her whole life isn't about her illness.  It's hard to converse with her though, because she's sad and often passive-aggressive.
Having said that, I don't see her that much, because when she's down, she generally avoids contact.  She alternates between cutting out her dad and her mom, depending on whom she hates at the moment, and who is letting her do what she wants (which appears to be doing nothing but watch screens and sleep all day).  She might try to do schoolwork or a job for a while, but she quits, and fast, when under the pressure to perform.  Her jobs have been low-commitment types, and never full-time.

My "theory of the case" is that her childhood was a little difficult for her, and she was spoiled out of divorce guilt.  She was not a bad kid in her teens.  She did well in high school, and she had close friends.  She had talents and good looks.  She could be very mean, but her meanness was confined to immediate family (at least I think it was).  However, she struggled in college, which was more stressful than she expected, and she didn't enjoy the support from home, because her first college was far away.  She lashed out at her friends, and probably for the first time in her life, she had to experience the real consequences of that:  losing friends and getting kicked out of rooming situations.  I think this started her downward spiral.  Instead of taking responsibility, she's saying her childhood was traumatic and is blaming her immediate family.  Yet I think her real pain is derived from failure in adulting, especially in comparison to her older siblings.  But she's stuck in the distant past and basically says her family is the reason she can't function as an adult.  (Note that she's been living on campuses or in her own apartment for years now, and she has limited interactions with family, and that's why I stated she was holding onto ancient grievances.)  The slightest obligation or inconvenience sends her into a rage or suicide threats.  The threats are giving her what she thinks she wants:  relief from the work of an adult.  She's lived like she's "on vacation" for years, and she can't dig herself out of that.  I think her parents are enabling her, and they feel tremendous guilt.  I just don't know what to think anymore, because I see her as capable.  I know the experts say that just makes her think she's a failure.  This seems like a no-win situation.

[Sancho]

Hi CC43
Thinking about your question:

Do others know how to handle and de-escalate threats of unilateral assured self-destruction?

From what you say, you have set something in place ie you took her first time, sd has taken herself a couple of times. So she knows what to do, where to go if she needs help in that way. This is a great thing in my opinion.

We can spend a lot of energy trying to work out whether someone with BPD is simply manipulating things to concoct a world that suits them eg sd takes herself to ER, admitted to a program, seems to enjoy the program etc So was it all just a way to attention etc?

The attention seeking, mood swings etc of this illness can play havoc with our reasoning. In the long run we can let go of trying to work this out. Other people make a choice to admit someone into hospital from ER, or make other decisions based on their understanding and expertise. I would love my dd to take herself to hospital and have other people involved in her care and life.

Of course all these aspects of BPD are brought into our own lives - and that's where we have the total range of options in how we respond/what boundaries we set/whether we go no contact/minimal contact etc etc.

Coming back to
Do others know how to handle and de-escalate threats of unilateral assured self-destruction?

If the self destruction relates to suicide threats, then I would take sd to ER. After stepping back from emotional responses I found ways to 'sit it out' until dd's emotions came down. Disengaging emotionally has been the most effective strategy for me. One day I remember well - dd walking past me with a rope saying she was going to hang herself, and I just keep working on my computer. Other times I might just say 'If you want to go to hospital I can take you in half an hour'. Usually dd will try to back me into a corner - she does but she doesn't type of thing - so I just keep saying 'It's up to you'.

It's very freeing letting go of trying to work out whether all this stuff that goes on is just manipulation etc.  and just focus on how to manage all this in your own life.