My daughter's partner has made everything worse

[Clairabelle72]

Hi there, first post. I'll start by saying my daughter does not have a diagnosis, but I think BPD is quite likely. She's 21.

It's been difficult from the very start, she is the eldest of 6 and has always been so angry with me, very difficult to live with, entitled and at times very nasty, not just to me but her brothers also. BUT, after an episode she would always come to me a couple of days later and say I'm sorry mum, you don't deserve this. And of course I always forgave her, what else could I do.
However, 5 years ago she met a boy who I honestly liked to begin with, he's quiet but seemed ok. However, since my daughter has been with him her attitutude to me has completely nose -dived. She despises me, there's no other way to say it. We wouldn't see each other too often because when we did it always ended in a row and I honestly didn't have the energy for all that drama. After a particularly bad argument, started by herself and her boyfriend, I said enough is enough and didn't see her for 6 months. I was done. Then she came to me and told me she was pregnant. Fast forward to now, the baby is 8 months, adorable, but my involvement is minimal because she clearly doesn't want me around and her boyfriend is extremely hostile to me. But I was visiting weekly to take her and the baby shopping, out for coffee and cake, that sort of thing. She doesn't talk much to me and I did feel she was tolerating me rather than enjoying herself, but I wasn't sure how else to handle the situation. His mother is the preferred grandmother, even though my daughter didn't like her for a long time, but she pays their rent so I guess she's more useful than me. I know my daughter enjoys letting me know about how they always visit his family's home when she never comes here. Anyway, a week ago I defended her brother in a message to her and the sh*t hit the fan. Within seconds I got a torrent of abuse, how I was a terrible grandmother, she didn't want her baby anywhere near me, I walk all over her, and I'm horrible to her boyfriend (I literally say hello to him, or how is college when I see him, he barely grunts to these enquiries) and other things that simply aren't true. She made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. And I'm not surprised to be honest, I knew it was coming, but I also feel that he is feeding her lies about me. I don't walk all over her for a start, I facilitate her, it's always been that way. I feel he's saying things to make her angrier with me...we used to sort of be close, in a weird kind of way, but now he's here she simply doesn't need me any more. The worst part of all o f course is now I won't see that baby, and that is eating me up. And it all feels so bloody unfair, I've walked on eggshells with her forever and I knew she'd use the baby against me and now she has. But I can't help feel this man makes her worse not better. I know in the past he helped her hack my email and facebook to spy on my messages (she admitted it, but felt justified because I had been in contact with his mother and my daughter didn't want that). I think were she with a good man he would help heal her relationship with her family, but with this guy he's stoked all the problems and made them worse. Is there a personality type that is particularly bad for a BPD, and is this situation a common one?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Clairabelle, welcome to the family and thanks for the post.

I can identify with you in so far as things getting worse when dd forms a relationship - and at first I was in the 'if only' phase ie if only she had met someone nicer etc. After a while I found out that the boot was well and truly on the other foot!

Like you I was always nice and friendly to the partner - and very reserved response. After quite some time and some feedback I realised that my dd strengthens her bond with anyone by telling them lots of stuff about me - nearly all of which is awful and absolutely untrue. My dd lives in a fantasy where I am to blame for everything - so if a problem arose in a new relationship, it was always sheeted back to me and the awful things I had done to her.

It was not only to her boyfriend but she uses social media to spread all this stuff. You will find this is the case for other parents that come here too.

I gradually came to understand all this in terms of what BPD is - and what I was seeing was the symptoms of this serious illness.

Your dd is not diagnosed, but from what you say there are certainly signs there. Like me you are the target of blame. BPD people draw others into their narrative for many reasons:

It strengthens the bond with the other person because they have their sympathy.
This means that the intense feelings of abandonment are eased.

It makes sense to me that dd exploded in relation to knowing you were in contact with her partner's family. Someone with BPD wants to tightly control the narrative and who in going to be in her circle and who isn't.

It is such a tricky situation and I suppose the question is what do you do now? That is a big question and I suppose I am wondering if my thoughts here resonate with you? Everyone's situation and experience is different, and perhaps I am on the wrong track here.

Let's know what you think?

[Clairabelle72]

OMG Sancho, reading that it was as if I had written it! My daughter has told his family a lot of terrible things about me over the years, I know that because at one point she told them I'd thrown her out (I hadn't but I had asked her to get out of my car after her being vile for an entire journey) so his family took her in, 'rescued' her from her 'terrible mother'. That lasted 3 months until his mother told her to move out!
She has hacked my Facebook and posted on my behalf saying what a terrible mother I am. It has all been so shocking and invasive and embarrassing. And now his family are the good family again, who babysit the baby and are involved in every aspect of their lives while our family (a big, warm, loving family btw) are the outcasts. His family don't seem that happy to me, dour children, very joyless, even my daughter has told me this about them. But yes, she has convinced this boyfriend I'm the wicked witch of the west and now everything I do is aimed to hurt her in her opinion, when in reality all I'm trying to do is keep the communication channels open.
If my husband is the only one allowed to see the baby then so be it, I'm not happy with this but the thought of him growing up not knowing us at all is too painful. Thank you for your input, I know very little about this, I've been listening to Dr Ramani who I find very interesting, and lots of things add up.
I will add one more comment though, I've always felt if her brothers and father disappeared, what would actually make her happy is just the two of us...well at least until she met the boyfriend. At some level I actually feel she's desperate for my approval, while simultaneously pushing me away. My god but this stuff is hard!

[Sancho]

Hi Clairablelle72
Sorry I have taken a while to get back to you. A few things in your reply struck me and I thought I would pass them on. They may or may not be helpful.

Understanding what is going on can be difficult, but I am wondering if everything really is so wonderful in relation to her partner and his family. After three months she was asked to leave their home. They are a young couple - so therefore their son is young too I imagine - and there is a baby. They don't look happy etc.

I am wondering if they are not so happy but have decided to support in a practical way by paying the rent so they can support their grandchild.

Someone with bpd will make out that everything is rosy in relation to someone else - whether they feel that way can be another matter.

You mention:
I've always felt if her brothers and father disappeared, what would actually make her happy is just the two of us...well at least until she met the boyfriend. At some level I actually feel she's desperate for my approval, while simultaneously pushing me away.

You are the 'target of blame' so I think you are the person who is the sort of 'anchor' in her life. But it means that she makes you responsible for everything because you should 'fix it'. She is unable to hear your defence of her brother, because she wants you to totally focus on her, even though she needs to have control over whether to allow you into her life.

Being a target of blame is just awful - and there is no easy way to change this. But there are things in this situation that are positive ie

-someone is taking responsibility for making sure the family has a secure roof over their head
- the baby is healthy and seems happy (hope I am correct here)
- dd is being supported by others

Am I correct in thinking that your husband or other family members are able to connect and see dd and baby sometimes? If so I would add this to the list.

With all these things in place I would be happy stepping back. In a funny way, stepping back and being okay about it might be the thing that pushes dd into reconnecting - which is the case with my dd. 'Letting go' and doing so in a genuine way seems to prompt my dd to connect in a better way with me. We go in circles for sure, but it helps when dd knows I have let go of needing her to connect with me.

I hope I am not talking about stuff you already know. If so, sorry . . . . !

[Clairabelle72]

Hi Sancho
Boy you know your stuff, you are good at this! Your message has just made me feel infinately better. Yes, although she's not in constant contact with hubby and my sons, I do think they would be able to see the baby, and will do soon, and yes you are right, that should be a comfort to me. And now you've said it, it is. That is a plus.

And yes, I think you're right about his family, it's not all rosey in the garden, she just likes for me to think it is, to make me feel more of an outsider. His mother wouldn't even let her in the house while my daughter was pregnant she was so unhappy with their relationship, and yet we're now supposed to believe they have this wonderful mother in law/daughter in law relationship. Yes, this must be unlikely.

And yes, I am the target, and she will in one breath say I'm the problem, and in her more candid moments get angry that I never got her help (I did try at one point, but it wasn't much help), so she's admitting she is the problem.

And so yes, stepping back is maybe not so bad, I know she's expecting me to message her from time to time, begging to be let back in, but like the last time we had a no contact period before she told me she was pregnant, I know it will bother her that I'm not doing this, and puts me slightly back in control again.

Thank you, I do feel better now.