Why does it hurt so bad?? Getting all I want but this hurts so much

[Tangled mangled]

So
I physically left the relationship 6 months ago moving over 300miles away from my stbxh, taking my children with me.
Our family home has been put on sale just seen it today.
I seem to be getting all I need for my safety and the ex is offering 50/50 in equity, while refusing to pay child maintenance even though he has been advised by the government service.
6 months on , the courts has refused him contact with the children- I should be celebrating because my sons have had a chance to engage in recovery without being set back by dads illness.
He is allowed supervised contact and I have asked the court to evaluate his mental state as I made the courts aware that he may have Bpd- irrational and impulsive. He has demonstrated these for the services to see so it’s not just my words.

The home sale is not what I would have wished for. The rental value of the home is high- despite our failing marriage, I had encouraged him to get a lawyer and accountant to see it we can negotiate a release of funds to settle the divorce and he could rent out the property with a good income and in time he could buy a smaller home for himself ( owning 2 properties).
His main gripe is that he can’t be responsible for Tenants even using an agent. I do get it , we had let out the Horne in the past and were duped by an agent who let the property to useless tenants. That aside we have learned lessons or Inhave Lea lessons.
It appears I am getting all that I want in the divorce- full custody and sharing assets.
It just hurts that the children can not visit their dad until the court reaches a decision, even though I try to fair like I did months ago, going against court order to allow him access to the children, he will sabotage this contact, creating chaos and encouraging the children to behave badly. Neglecting the children emotionally. The children are really desperate to see dad but contact can only be supervised and he has no relatives nearby that could help.

I’m just hear broken even though I am getting what I need- ie child safety and hopefully some financial settlement. How do I reconcile this emotionally

The home

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry, this is hard.

I guess you need time to accept that it doesn't have to be perfect. And still, it was the best possible outcome. Both things are true.

My kids don't see their biological father, he calls once a year and maybe he wants to see them if we drive them to his door. So, this is not because a court order, it's because he has no interest. Still, it was hurtful to the kids and the mother, but with time, even as it is awful, we can talk about it as if we were talking about the weather. Time turns wounds into scars, and that makes life more livable.

Stay strong, and keep looking ahead. This too will pass.

[Tangled mangled]

Thank you for the reply JoeBPD.

Sometimes I think to myself that I have overcome the worst part of the grieving process-the anger stage and reaching radical acceptance of what’s happened. Then the anger shows up again when I try to deal with the fallout - the fact that I can’t coparent with the other person. I constantly have to be on guard protecting my children wellbeing while preserving my sanity.

He goes about in his smear campaign, saying I’m preventing access to the children while he messes up every opportunity he is given.
My worry about division of assets is that he may end up squandering his share and continue blaming me for losing his home( our home). He’s been acting financially irresponsibly lately, not paying the mortgage which is a fraction of what it will cost to rent a home in the area where he lives.

I guess I will have to grow thicker skin in accepting whatever blame gets thrown my way.

[kells76]

Hi Tangled mangled;

Like JoeBPD81 shared, this is a hard season that won't last forever. There is a lot of hurt and grief with the change in your family structure, even though in some ways it may be better for your kids. Being angry that even though the marriage is over, you "ought to" be able to coparent... but it isn't possible... that anger makes sense.

The smear campaigns and blame are difficult to deal with. As far as you know, who is he smearing you to? And does he blame you to others, or mostly just to you?

For me, the hardest part of the blame and distorted narrative coming from the kids' mom and stepdad has been the impact on their relationship with H. While part of me has radically accepted that Mom is just a blamer/deflector of responsibility -- so in a sense, it doesn't surprise or upset me any more -- another part of me is still hurt and frustrated when I see the kids accepting her narrative. I don't care as much when it's low-stakes stuff like "I have no idea how the kids got head lice at my house, I did everything right to prevent it". I do care when it's stuff like "Dad left us and we were so poor I had to skip meals so you could eat".

I think you have mentioned that he tells the kids inappropriate things (i.e. that he blames you to them) -- is that true? And if so, is that your biggest concern about the blame/smears -- the impact on the kids -- or are there other concerning aspects as well (i.e., impact on your employment, family members, etc)?

[Tangled mangled]

Kells
What annoys the most is the fact that I am carrying the weight of the divorce- mainly dealing with the impact of his illness on the children.
His smear campaign is directed mainly at the children- telling them that I’m preventing contact. Even s5 corrected him the other day saying he has to speak to the courts , it’s not mum’s fault. The children are now blaming the court , which is quite neutral as they are not mature enough to understand what’s going on.

The way my FOO have been acting, I’m almost certain he has continued to maintain contact with them as they were his flying monkeys in the past. His own family know him quite well and are not very supportive.

I don’t know why it still bothers me what he says about me. I have informed my employer about him and although he has made threats of reporting me to a licensing organisation about my parenting, nothing has come of it yet.

[ForeverDad]

My worry about division of assets is that he may end up squandering his share and continue blaming me for losing his home( our home). He’s been acting financially irresponsibly lately, not paying the mortgage which is a fraction of what it will cost to rent a home in the area where he lives.

Is he the owner of the home?  And are you both on the mortgage?

If he as the spouse in possession isn't paying the mortgage, are you paying the mortgage now?  If so, then by rights when the sale does happen then you ought to get your payments back (since you were not in occupancy) from the equity and then the remainder is split.

Or at most half of your payments should be yours and returned as yours alone before the equity remainder is split.

If you believe he is delaying a sale such as by refusing viewings or inspections then you can petition the court to let you take charge of things so he doesn't sabotage a showing or sale.

[SinisterComplex]

Kells
What annoys the most is the fact that I am carrying the weight of the divorce- mainly dealing with the impact of his illness on the children.
His smear campaign is directed mainly at the children- telling them that I’m preventing contact. Even s5 corrected him the other day saying he has to speak to the courts , it’s not mum’s fault. The children are now blaming the court , which is quite neutral as they are not mature enough to understand what’s going on.

The way my FOO have been acting, I’m almost certain he has continued to maintain contact with them as they were his flying monkeys in the past. His own family know him quite well and are not very supportive.

I don’t know why it still bothers me what he says about me. I have informed my employer about him and although he has made threats of reporting me to a licensing organisation about my parenting, nothing has come of it yet.

TM, the comments about reporting you and your parenting are nothing than an attempt to hurt you and put you on the defensive to make you engage in an emotional way and possibly make a mistake. That is truly all it is. It is a manipulation tool and tactic. So don't react to it and do not pay it any mind.

Keep your head up. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[SaltyDawg]

A good read on the topic (it is based for California courts, but its principles are applicable in most western countries)...

It is also available in Audiobook format.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

[Tangled mangled]

Is he the owner of the home?  And are you both on the mortgage?

If he as the spouse in possession isn't paying the mortgage, are you paying the mortgage now?  If so, then by rights when the sale does happen then you ought to get your payments back (since you were not in occupancy) from the equity and then the remainder is split.

Or at most half of your payments should be yours and returned as yours alone before the equity remainder is split.

If you believe he is delaying a sale such as by refusing viewings or inspections then you can petition the court to let you take charge of things so he doesn't sabotage a showing or sale.

He is the sole owner of the home because I removed my name from mortgage and title deed. This has been a blessing in disguise because he would have messed up my credit score for many years. Over here in Europe matrimonial assets are shared irrespective of whose name is on the feet.
Internet interest in the home is also registered in the registry. He was quite sensible with agents as I can see from the pictures of property so hopefully he doesn’t start any trouble to prevent sale.
I sometimes wonder if he run away with large sums of money to a different country, he was othered to pay over £400 per month in child maintenance but only sent £50 last week, he seems to think he can get away with anything. Sorry there’s my worry.

I get the sense that he will like the divorce finalised soon  so I don’t expect him to delay the sale of the property but who knows.

Thanks for your reply FD

[Tangled mangled]

**My interest is registered on registers
**He was ordered to pay
**so  that’s my worry

[Tangled mangled]

TM, the comments about reporting you and your parenting are nothing than an attempt to hurt you and put you on the defensive to make you engage in an emotional way and possibly make a mistake. That is truly all it is. It is a manipulation tool and tactic. So don't react to it and do not pay it any mind.

Keep your head up. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you SC.

[Tangled mangled]

A good read on the topic (it is based for California courts, but its principles are applicable in most western countries)...

It is also available in Audiobook format.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

Good to have you back here SD
Thanks for the recommendation

[ForeverDad]

A wise way to proceed with the handling of the equity, once the house is sold, is that it is placed into some form of safekeeping or escrow so that he can't just pocket the money by fleeing or transferring it to wherever.  (Property sales often use escrow accounts so it would not be unexpected for you to ask for such measures to be put in place.)  Even if you can find a paper trail, often getting your share back after it is gone would be quite difficult.  I get the sense he probably knows how to bluff, bluster and cheat you in underhanded ways you don't know about.

He may not cheat you out of what is due to you, but it is best to be as safe as you can be... just in case.

[Tangled mangled]

A wise way to proceed with the handling of the equity, once the house is sold, is that it is placed into some form of safekeeping or escrow so that he can't just pocket the money by fleeing or transferring it to wherever.  (Property sales often use escrow accounts so it would not be unexpected for you to ask for such measures to be put in place.)  Even if you can find a paper trail, often getting your share back after it is gone would be quite difficult.  I get the sense he probably knows how to bluff, bluster and cheat you in underhanded ways you don't know about.

He may not cheat you out of what is due to you, but it is best to be as safe as you can be... just in case.

That’s something I will explore with my solicitor. I’m preparing for the worse. I still hold some power over the property as I understand the home can not be remortgaged without my consent even though I don’t pay the mortgage or live in it. I guess placing a conditional sale using a solicitor would be ideal. My matrimonial home rights has to be removed on the property at sale so this is what I will be looking at.
Thank you

[ForeverDad]

My matrimonial home rights has to be removed on the property at sale so this is what I will be looking at.

This is Leverage that shenanigans don't occur, or are less likely to occur.  Using your Leverage in a smart way, however limited it is, is certainly fair, especially considering you were treated unfairly in the past with his debts, etc.  Don't listen when I suspect he insists how cruel you are when all you seek is to protect your interests.