I feel like I am in mourning

[Judyhopefull]

I went to counseling to seek help with my relationship with my grown daughter who has refused counseling.  She sees everything as my fault, or the fault of various other people in her life. The counselor informed me that my daughter has BPD and that she is unlikely to think she needs treatment and/or respond to treatment.  She recommended the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, which was helpful.

I am mourning the lost opportunities for my brilliant and beautiful daughter due to this sad personality disorder for which she may never seek treatment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Judyhopefull
I fully understand why you feel this way. It is such a complex illness and it can affect individuals profoundly. Seeing this happen means experiencing loss in a very deep sense - the loss of your loved dd's potential, the loss of a deep personal relationship with your dd.

I am not sure how old your dd is, and what the range of symptoms there are. The blaming is one sign.

I wonder how this is playing out in a practical sense eg is dd unable to work/study or maintain relationships etc.

The reason I ask is that we do talk of 'high functioning' and l='low functioning' bpd. There is such a broad range of symptoms within the scope of the illness. Also you don't mention dd's age. There is general agreement that for many with BPD, the symptoms lessen considerably in the 4th decade ie age 30-40.

So some symptoms can resolve naturally.

Also your dd is refusing help now, but I wonder if you studied up on this illness and perhaps researched what help was available specifically for someone with BPD in your area, you might be armed with a plan if your dd came to the point where she would like to get some support?

I am glad you have someone to support you through this grieving process as well as helping you connect/respond to your daughter. When we love so much, the pain of the loss is just so much harder to bear.

I hope you can be kind to yourself.

[kells76]

Hi Judyhopefull and welcome -- we're glad you landed here and felt ready to reach out.

It's really painful grieving the loss of who loved ones could have been, when they are still alive.

BPD impacts close relationships the most, like romantic and family relationships. While it's not surprising that your D blames you for so much, that doesn't make it easier.

Is she staying in touch with any other family members (siblings, cousins, grandparents, etc)?

And does she have any children?

Fill us in on how life is going for you and your family -- we'll be here to listen.

-kells76