17 year old daughter missing for 3 days

[Winter7399]

Hi all,

My 17 year old with BPD has been missing for 3 days now with no plans to return. I know she has run off to London with an ex who is very bad news. She has done this before, but never for this long. She has problems with alcohol and has been taken home in an ambulance more times than I can count, she makes risky decisions and never believes the consequences are her fault. This has been going on for years now and I am exhausted. She has a good home life and I have always been there for her through everything.

Everyone is telling me to just let her go and that this is obviously what she wants to do with her life and there is nothing more I can do.

How am I supposed to just live normally as if I'm not expecting a phone call to tell me she's been found dead? Every time my phone goes I'm expecting the text to be from her. How do I cope until she comes home?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Winter7399 and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Unfortunately, the advice you are receiving is correct, you must let her go and make her own decisions in life, regardless whether they're good or bad choices.

Why?  Because you can't shelter her when she's in defiance, and she has to experience the world and all that it offers.  She thinks that she knows better and she has to learn the hard way since she doesn't want to trust your wisdom.  

It broke my heart when I had to make that decision with my 25 year old BPD daughter when she was 18, but it was the right decision.  At times, she went through hell but it was all her choice, and she's a much better person today because of it.  Around 23, she finally started taking therapy seriously and wanted to turn her life around.  She's now living back at home and on a nursing track.

The more you try to control your BPD daughter, the harder it will become long term.  Let her make her own mistakes and be willing to forgive her when she finally sees the bigger picture.  That's all you can do as a parent.

In the meantime, check out some of the communication resources along the top of the page since those make things a lot easier down the road.  You have to be able to communicate effectively with a BPD person and it's not always intuitive.  So do your homework and accept that this is not your fault.  I know it's incredibly hard, but she has to be allowed to make her own mistakes and learn from them.

[kells76]

Hey, welcome -- this is so difficult and heartbreaking.

You're in the right place to connect with other families who have had to cope with their children engaging in risky and life-threatening behavior. This is not easy parenting.

Just to get a better sense of your situation, is your D17's father in the picture (i.e., are the two of you married, separated, is he around, etc)? Do you have other children, and if so, does D17 stay in touch with them?

What's the "age of majority" in your area? In the USA, generally it's 18, though in a couple of states I believe it's 19. This can affect what parents are able to do in these cases.

The people telling you to let her go -- is that generally family members saying that?

And I know it's a lot of questions! So just one more -- are you in therapy at the moment?

Fill us in on how things are going, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[Winter7399]

Hi Winter7399 and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Unfortunately, the advice you are receiving is correct, you must let her go and make her own decisions in life, regardless whether they're good or bad choices.

Why?  Because you can't shelter her when she's in defiance, and she has to experience the world and all that it offers.  She thinks that she knows better and she has to learn the hard way since she doesn't want to trust your wisdom.  

It broke my heart when I had to make that decision with my 25 year old BPD daughter when she was 18, but it was the right decision.  At times, she went through hell but it was all her choice, and she's a much better person today because of it.  Around 23, she finally started taking therapy seriously and wanted to turn her life around.  She's now living back at home and on a nursing track.

The more you try to control your BPD daughter, the harder it will become long term.  Let her make her own mistakes and be willing to forgive her when she finally sees the bigger picture.  That's all you can do as a parent.

In the meantime, check out some of the communication resources along the top of the page since those make things a lot easier down the road.  You have to be able to communicate effectively with a BPD person and it's not always intuitive.  So do your homework and accept that this is not your fault.  I know it's incredibly hard, but she has to be allowed to make her own mistakes and learn from them.

Thank you, I appreciate your response. Guilt is horrible and it’s almost like, as parents, we’re looking for someone to give us permission to give ourselves a break so it’s nice to hear from others that it’s OK to let this play out for now, even though that’s stressful in a different way. Im glad to hear this has ultimately helped your daughter on her path, it’s really encouraging.

I’ve had a look at the resources and they are really interesting, I found the drama triangle really appropriate! Thank you so much for your help

[Leaf56]

Winter7399,
The guilt IS horrible and you hit the nail on the head that we're looking for the permission from other parents in the same boat to take a break or when the time comes, walk away. And as far as I'm concerned taking a break/walking away is far harder than finding ways to put up with it forever.

That said, I'm wondering about the 17-year-old part. AFAIK, that's not something we could let happen here in the states. Is it legal to let that happen in the UK? I just want to make sure you're covered legally.

[Winter7399]

Hey, welcome -- this is so difficult and heartbreaking.

You're in the right place to connect with other families who have had to cope with their children engaging in risky and life-threatening behavior. This is not easy parenting.

Just to get a better sense of your situation, is your D17's father in the picture (i.e., are the two of you married, separated, is he around, etc)? Do you have other children, and if so, does D17 stay in touch with them?

What's the "age of majority" in your area? In the USA, generally it's 18, though in a couple of states I believe it's 19. This can affect what parents are able to do in these cases.

The people telling you to let her go -- is that generally family members saying that?

And I know it's a lot of questions! So just one more -- are you in therapy at the moment?

Fill us in on how things are going, whenever works best for you;

kells76

Thank you for your response, you’re correct, this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. I’m happy to give more info if it’ll help give a better sense of the situation.

Her father was never in the picture by his choice, I’ve been with my current partner since she was 6 years old so he is in the step father role but doesn’t really get involved outside of supporting me. I had my daughter when I was 18 and we were always close but her extreme behaviours went from childhood tantrums and eating all the cookies to aggressive behaviour and  drinking the whole bottle of vodka when she hit puberty. My partner and I have a daughter who is 2 and would be her half sister, no other siblings.

I’m in the UK so yes, everything including alcohol will be legal when she turns 18 in 10 months.

Yes, my mum and sister have told me that there is no more to be done and to let the chips fall where they may.

I’ve never been to therapy, not that I’m opposed! But it’s very tricky to get a referral with the NHS  here (years on the waiting list) and I can’t afford to go private

I hope that helps! Any others question, just let me know .

[Winter7399]

Winter7399,
The guilt IS horrible and you hit the nail on the head that we're looking for the permission from other parents in the same boat to take a break or when the time comes, walk away. And as far as I'm concerned taking a break/walking away is far harder than finding ways to put up with it forever.

That said, I'm wondering about the 17-year-old part. AFAIK, that's not something we could let happen here in the states. Is it legal to let that happen in the UK? I just want to make sure you're covered legally.

I agree it’s so much harder. By taking a break, I mean more like not driving around looking for her, calling all her friends, begging her to come home etc. If/when she comes home, she will always have a bed here and be fed etc until she turns 18 but I’m not going to be fixing everything that she’s screwed up on this binge like I always do. I hope that makes more sense

[Leaf56]

Oh yes, of course you shouldn't be doing any of that. But do you need to report it to the police so that she can't claim that you kicked her out/have been abusing her/etc.? Am I hearing you correctly that she won't have a bed there/be fed after she turns 18? If that's the case I just want to say that I support you in that decision and that I think it could be very wise to get that established early. Also, at least here in the states (and apparently in Italy in a very high-profile case where a mom had to go to court to evict her 40-plus-year-old sons), children do take their parents to court and win, so just keep that notion in the back of your mind. But yes, if you're looking for absolution on the guilt front, you'll get it in spades from me!

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/26/italian-woman-forced-to-court-to-evict-her-two-sons-aged-40-and-42

[Winter7399]

Oh yes, of course you shouldn't be doing any of that. But do you need to report it to the police so that she can't claim that you kicked her out/have been abusing her/etc.? Am I hearing you correctly that she won't have a bed there/be fed after she turns 18? If that's the case I just want to say that I support you in that decision and that I think it could be very wise to get that established early. Also, at least here in the states (and apparently in Italy in a very high-profile case where a mom had to go to court to evict her 40-plus-year-old sons), children do take their parents to court and win, so just keep that notion in the back of your mind. But yes, if you're looking for absolution on the guilt front, you'll get it in spades from me!

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/26/italian-woman-forced-to-court-to-evict-her-two-sons-aged-40-and-42

I reported her missing right away and she is well known to them by now! She also still has a month left on a caution for domestic violence against me.

Well she is guaranteed a bed until 18, what happens beyond that will be based on her behaviour. If she turns it around, I have no problem with her staying but that would be a miracle. The constant screaming, drunken behaviour and putting her hands on me is enough to put her out at 18 let alone the fact that I have a 2 year old witnessing it too! Even though these are all the right things to do, I still feel like such a failure. I never thought, in a million years, that this is where we’d be.

That court case is crazy! It’s truly a never ending job

[Leaf56]

Ah so it sounds like you're covered then. Not many would say that it's very nice of you to even consider housing her after what you've been through, but of course it IS. Being a parent does not mean being abused for the rest of our lives. I don't know how you've handled having a 2-year-old with that going on. Hat's off! And yeah, she's out barring a miracle. And yes, it's absolutely the right thing to do under your circumstances. Unfortunately you might feel like a failure for the rest of your life, as unfair as that is. I know what a great mom I was and that I have no reason to entertain those feelings, but of course they creep up nonetheless. I've accepted that that's just the way things are sometimes. Acceptance of this is so hard since all our lives all we ever wanted to do is fix it, make it better, take away the pain. But I think it's the only route to continued sanity.

[Winter7399]

It's certainly been challenging and it's only me and my partner in the UK, the rest of our family are in Ireland so it's very isolating without any support. You're so right, it's so instinctual to try to save them from themselves over and over and taking a crumb of good behaviour as a sign of them turning over a new leaf. I need to accept that this is my life right now and learn to live with the guilt, grief and worry and not constantly be trying to overcome it by 'helping her'. It's uncomfortable but at least it would be a stable feeling, if that makes sense. Not the highs of putting in so much time and effort with her and having false hope to the lows of seeing it was all a waste of time, manipulation and that her behaviour has only worsened.


You are here offering kind words and support to a stranger who is struggling - I'm sure you were a fantastic and caring Mother and I'm glad you know that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Thanks for that Winter7399. I’m sure you’ve been a great mum too. Feel free to join my support thread below for those of us who are minimizing/stopping contact. The idea is to go there whenever the guilt gets to be too much and you need some support or clear eyes to help you continue without having to re-introduce yourself, even if it’s been 6 months or whatever since your last post.

[Sancho]

Hi Kayla22
I just want to say that we can tell ourselves lots of stuff about how we SHOULD think etc and yes that is our rational self taking charge.

But in this situation I think to feel huge worry, sadness, fear - all these emotions and more - is completely right and normal. It is how I have felt when dd has been missing. There is nothing like that sick feeling in the stomach  . . .

Rather than try to tell myself that I had to be rational about it all, let go, acknowledge it was all out of my control etc, I found it more helpful to tell myself it was okay to feel like this - it was normal for this situation.

Sometimes I would take a few moments to send loving thoughts to dd . . . . . xx I am thinking of you, I love you and hope you are safe . . . . .

It helped me to feel I was 'messaging' dd in some way. The nights were the worst, so I would stay up late, just to make sure I would fall asleep because I was exhausted. Then I'd take little breaks during the day, sometimes just to have a cry . . .

You love your dd and have been there through so much. You are entitled to feel all these emotions, because you love your dd so much.

[Sancho]

Hi Winter7399
Just to let you know I have been thinking of you and hope you have had some news.

[Winter7399]

Thank you. She came home but sadly took off again shortly after. We’re at a loss

[Pook075]

Thank you. She came home but sadly took off again shortly after. We’re at a loss

That's okay, let her live her life and make her mistakes.  Eventually she will grow from them.