Reliving a nightmare

[Clarity2023]

Hello,
I am in terrible need of support of people who understand what it's like to love someone, the person you love the most, who is displaying these behaviors.
I am familiar with this disorder because my ex husband had it and ended his own life only after inflicting terrible emotional pain on me and my young son.
That was 2007 - my son was a preteen.
Now all these years, after so much work, therapy etc. I believe I have been lying to myself.
I was convinced we both have complex PTSD and avoided some harsh realities. But I now find myself being emotionally abused all over again -
He went through so much - I tried to help him heal - but I am an enabling codependent who can't face the fact that my life is a lie. I do not believe he is capable of loving me and it is eating me alive. I am still holding out hope that he is just mimicking behaviors or something else. Denial has been my super power.
thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

So clarity, your son is what? 26-30 now? And he’s verbally abusing you? Yeah, that’s not ptsd or whatever you’ve been telling yourself. You might be more comfortable staying abused if you are a codependent enabler but it would be great if you could explore the alternative. Seems like you already know what’s what. Are you looking for permission? Feel free to lay out all the details supporting why you should change your situation. I’ll still say you should NEVER take abuse from anyone under any circumstances. But I think it would help to hear more.

[Clarity2023]

Wow! Interesting response. I appreciate your taking the time to read my post.
It was very hard for me to write it.

We do both in fact have complex PTSD - he was in an 8 week intensive program where he was diagnosed and treated for it. He improved astoundingly. It was a God send.

I said codependent enabler - I should have said recovering - always working on my issues. Have been in alanon and currently am in AC Dysfunctional families.
I moved to the South from NY after my ex's suicide. He went to college, graduated with high honors and then basically had a nervous breakdown...asked to be taken for help (he was already in therapy for CPtSD).
Once he was settled in all areas,  I moved across the country and live with my partner. My son is my only child and we have almost zero extended family. We are very close. I visit him a few times a year and speak often.

I just came back from visiting him - it was a very traumatic trip for us. He got in a terrible multi vehicle accident on the way to pick me up. I won't get into all the details but this was the last stressor he needed -(I've been worried about him.) He just started a new high pressure job a week before - etc. His foot was also badly hurt and his car totaled. We were really looking forward to this time together.

But suddenly, in pain, with no sleep, no car, whatever was torturing him, he turned back into the person I was so worried about before he went into treatment. This was extremely upsetting to me and I joined here looking for a parent who could understand the pain of having a child with confusing mental conditions. Once he started speaking abusively, I cut my trip short and came home. When I left he was physically ill and by the time I landed home I was sick too. So I just feel beaten up and very confused. That's it.

[Leaf56]

Hi again,
I'm having a hard time squaring what you just wrote with this from your initial post:

"I believe I have been lying to myself. I was convinced we both have complex PTSD and avoided some harsh realities. But I now find myself being emotionally abused all over again....I am an enabling codependent who can't face the fact that my life is a lie. I do not believe he is capable of loving me and it is eating me alive. I am still holding out hope that he is just mimicking behaviors or something else. Denial has been my super power."

The two don't jibe for me. It feels like I accepted your account as stated and responded to it as written and then you backed off it. Which is perfectly fine. I'm just wondering which account you think is more accurate. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Clarity2023]

Yes- I totally get it - I'd say I am very confused at the moment, and I am not feeling well... but the second post is more the recovering me and the first post is more my unresolved stuff peaking through after a harrowing few weeks.

I suppose I was looking for fellow parents dealing with the challenge of navigating the complicated journey of figuring out how to have a somewhat healthy relationship, while plagued with worry about their mental state. It's hard for me feeling so alone with this. People not facing this can't begin to understand, in my experience.

Thanks for trying to understand. Your responses made me realize I need to learn how to express these emotional topics better.

[Leaf56]

I totally get it now as well. You posted in anguish, feelings you've had off and on but that were more your default catastrophizing ones, then you started feeling better and inhabiting your stronger self and posting from that perspective. If I'd known I wouldn't have responded the way I did initially, but you sounded so committed, so I apologize. I feel like a total jerk now, truth be told.

I think you expressed yourself perfectly with your first post and maybe you could go back and read it after you feel better and remember what led you to say those specific things so that the next time you feel that way you can realize more quickly that you're in the middle of catastrophizing and soothe yourself with the type of words from your second post. I do a lot of that back and forth within myself too. One thing that I thought you might want to delve into more either on your own or here is the idea that your son isn't capable of loving you. I wonder what it is he said that brought that feeling/fear out since it's the one that you said was "eating you alive." When my son (27) first started all this 4 years ago, I was shaken to the core by the intensity of his sudden display of hatred of me. He'd only been sweet and loving up until that moment (in the hospital the first time for suicide threat). I immediately felt like I was with a complete stranger and am still haunted by the idea that he's just been acting this entire time. You're so right when you say that people who don't have to deal with this have absolutely no clue what mental anguish we go through on a daily basis. Anyway, I hope you can get some rest and take care of yourself.

[Clarity2023]

You are not a jerk! And that response had tears streaming down my face. So grateful to be understood, when it’s hard to understand myself.
I’m sorry for your pain.

[Sancho]

Hi Clarity 2023
I jotted quite a long reply but I think I must not have pushed 'post' correctly as it doesn't seem to have popped up on the site.

So briefly . . . .

You have been on such a long journey together you and your ds. You seem to have a lot of insight
and have responded whenever you have been shown a way forward for you and your ds. I was impressed that he turned to you in the time of his breakdown.

It also sounds as though ds responded well to treatment. Perhaps this treatment enabled the 'real' person to come to the fore at that time.

I wonder if this is the moment to come to any conclusions about ds's ability to love you or whether all the effort you have put in has been to no avail? The reasons I am wondering this are:

- Times of transition are super stressful for anyone, let alone someone with any form of mental health problem CPTSD is hard to manage and extra stress could really cause instability
- It sounds as though ds was not in a good state - was this why you went to visit? Then in extraordinary circumstances there was the accident with all it's consequences

You describe it quite well when you say:
But suddenly, in pain, with no sleep, no car, whatever was torturing him, he turned back into the person I was so worried about before he went into treatment.

The treatment clearly made a difference. Things have unravelled, but there is extraordinary circumstances. You did the right thing leaving when the abuse started but it must be painful knowing how unwell he was when you left - and how exhausted and sad you must be from this whole experience.

I am not sure how things can move forward now. It seems in the past you have been able to help ds in getting treatment etc - and he has done very well with treatment and will his study etc. Will he seek treatment again do you think? Is a high pressure job too much or do you think he will be able to adjust in time to this pressure?

It seems to me this is transition time and it could be helpful to put on hold any thoughts about what ds is capable of. I say this because, from the information you have given here, you have both been through very tough times, but you have met the challenges in a very honest and positive way. The result was pretty impressive.

But now there is a new stage with new challenges. Can you take some time just to recover from the trip, put aside the hurt and pain for a while and just see how things go? See how they are in six months time say?

New stressful job/shock of accident/physical pain/loss of vehicle - all tough to cope with. You have had concern about ds/shock of hearing about the accident/dealing with his reactions/taking the brunt of his shock and anger.

It might be the time ds has to find his way forward by himself? How do you see a way forward from here? Will he keep in contact?

It's hard for me to sum up what I am trying to say here. I think I feel that you have both been through so much. Your insight and love has achieved a great amount for both of you. This recent times have been outside of the ordinary, and I think I would not want to see you judge everything in the light of these recent events.

Hopefully step by step you will find a way forward . . .

[SaltyDawg]

"New stressful job/shock of accident/physical pain/loss of vehicle" are all stressors for PTSD.

He is probably relapsing, and if his previous treatment PTSD was effective, he should do it again.

CPTSD and BPD have similarities, what makes you think it is BPD over cPTSD?

[Leaf56]

Thanks, Clarity. I hope you're feeling better today 

[Clarity2023]

I got worse. Took your advice and just rested-  I need a break from thinking about it - but I do look forward to talking to you more. I’m impressed with your knowledge, compassion, and kindness. I am so glad you reached out to me.
I started antibiotic for bronchitis- hopefully I feel stronger tomorrow.
I honestly feel like you tossed me a life preserver

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Clarity2023]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my posts and answer.
I am still getting used to the format here. I am not feeling well - and also a little overwhelmed (in a good way) by finding people who don't think I am speaking an alien language LOL.

I periodically spend three weeks with him but timed this trip - not around the holidays - but because I could sense he was not doing well.

He got help right after college - was put on a mood stabilizer - and into a partial inpatient program. Since then he has achieved incredible success, at the expense of everything else.
I will answer questions if you have any - but I have found it is so hard to explain.
Since the time he was in that program - he has had more and more stress and I am no longer involved in his mental care. He knows that he probably needs to be in therapy the rest of his life but has been going less and less. He is in sales and told me he sees life as a sale and says whatever he has to to close the deal. I am probably the only person he is truly honest with  - his father was a BP but also had comorbid conditions - was cruel to him once we were divorced - poisoned him against me. It took a long time for healing...but now I realize that I am constantly watching everything I say and do. If I take a deep sigh he gets angry. I am scared of making him angry. Takes everything as a judgement against him. In the past several months - it has gotten worse and his treatment of me reminds me of his Dad's to me....and yet he calls me repeatedly every day with ridiculous worries..I am here to comfort him and do what he needs. He really does not care how I feel as long as I don't blame him for anything. I don't even understand that...except he can not take responsibility for anything. If he makes me cry (which I try not to) he tells me it makes him angry.
No one else sees it usually (he is genuinely beloved and able to have relationships with friends and coworkers etc.) - On the rare occasion he sees his therapist, I don't believe she knows any of this.   The other, totally confusing side is that he can be wonderful and loving and funny. That's how he sees our relationship. It's not the truth. I honestly don't even know how to describe it all. I know the things I need to do...detach, make better boundaries etc...but his father committed suicide when he was 12 (and disinherited him) - he was in such anguish I kind of fell into the position of finding solutions. He is extremely dependent of me - (but no one would ever suspect that).But now - he is almost 30 - I can't figure out what is up with him....Also. -he has had periods of passive suicidality - so that is always in the back of my mind.
This is probably disjointed and might need clarifying. But I am trying. I have the ptsd also - I was orphaned young and endured kind of low grade traumas throughout my life. Thanks again for trying to understand. I hope I get better at explaining because I think this group could really help me. Have a good night!!

[Clarity2023]

HI Leaf!
I wrote a long reply to another poster - might be helpful for you to read it - I get what you mean about the posts not jibing - when I read them they sound like different stories almost.
That is why I am so confused - I feel that I am getting the help I need - but what I am watching - I just don't understand.
Have a good night

[Leaf56]

Hi again clarity,

I have had terrible bronchitis several times in my life and the antibiotics were always a big help. I hope they work for you.

FYI, the thread you started has all the responses one after the other so they're very easy for everyone to see and follow. Mine here will follow whatever one was last.

So please just tell me where I'm wrong here about anything I'm saying. I'm just going to give you my impression of what you wrote. The way you describe your son and your relationship with him makes me think of him as a character in a play—a very cold calculating character who gets off on controlling you. Is this the way you see him? It sounds like he has a very weird unnatural hold over you that sounds very unhealthy. What is preventing you from just being yourself and telling him to F off?

You said "he calls me repeatedly every day with ridiculous worries." What is this about?

You said: "I am here to comfort him and do what he needs." Do you think this is healthy?

You said: "I am scared of making him angry." Why?

You said: "He really does not care how I feel as long as I don't blame him for anything. I don't even understand that...except he can not take responsibility for anything. If he makes me cry (which I try not to) he tells me it makes him angry." I'd advise never accepting this, whatever it is.

You: "I honestly don't even know how to describe it all." I'd be happy to hear more to try to figure it out with you. I'm getting a sense of great fear from you.

What does your current partner think of all this? What have your therapists thought? What have your friends thought? Does he have any significant others? How does he treat them?

On the positive side, it sounds like he's supporting himself and has friends and is leading a normal life. That's a heck of a lot better than most.

I get the sense that there's something more driving your current mental state about this maybe? Or maybe you're just feeling bad and have had a recent bad experience that's amplifying everything and it will all fade soon and go back to whatever resting state it was in before the visit. Sorry if I'm of no help.

[Badmom]

Hi Clarity,

I really identify with the thoughts and feelings you’ve shared. My ex-husband has this disease too and my child was exposed to a great deal of trauma as a result - though I’m not comparing our situation to the horrific tragedy you and your son have endured. When my child entered his teen years, the symptoms of this illness began to surface, and I had the dreadful, slow-mo experience of watching him turn into his father - so to speak. Because of genetics, he even has the same way of walking, speaking, phrasing his sentences… My worst fear was of my child having this illness and then, despite my very best efforts to protect him, reality unfolded anyway - one that I tried to both deny and control at the same time, which, of course, is the very definition of madness. So we were both ill. I spent the next five years manically trying to steer him in the right direction, get him therapy, social services, part time jobs, apartments, on and on, all while arguing, pleading, sobbing, screaming, bribing, punishing - the result being, that not only did nothing improve, it got worse. We were living in a continual, 24/7 trauma loop.

Mental illness is deeply traumatic for everyone involved. And living with emotional dis-regulation can very quickly make everyone in the family emotionally dis-regulated.

Your child’s life is theirs alone to manage. That leaves you with your life. I know that for me, that sometimes feels lonely. My life feels empty now compared to all the drama, excitement, and martyrdom. When my ex-husband left us, I was annihilated but I had a small child to raise, so I turned all my attention to my child. And that’s how I coped, by losing myself in him. Because of my son, I knew who I was, what I had to do, and that my life had purpose. If that sounds a little co-dependent, that’s cause it is. It was also the best I could do at the time. There were long, numb years where I didn’t kill myself simply because I would never do that to my kid. And when he became ill, I tried to manage his emotional state by processing his emotions with him, and finding solutions.  

Now it’s just me and all these complex, powerful, very sad, disappointed, frightening feelings and I’m a middle aged woman who’s been living for my child, through my child, and I don’t know how to be with son without also taking on his feelings too and trying to manage them. He doesn’t need me to feel his feelings or solve his problems. And I can’t be around him now when he’s ranting and raging. The more self esteem I have, the less I can endure.
 
We must slowly, softly, gently untie ourselves from the them. I must allow my son autonomy, and freedom to be who he is without reacting to him, fixing him, judging him. I can only do that when I focus on myself.

Clarity, it takes a lot of courage to live your own life - especially after all you’ve been through and the enormous grief, trauma, and loss you’ve suffered. Life has been terrifying and excruciating at times. It may, in all likelihood, be challenging in the future. But you, are not alone. Your best has been and will always be good enough - even if you didn't have the power to save your son’s father, and even if you don’t have the ability to protect your son from this condition. Your life is still worth living; you have been a successful wife and mother irrespective of the choices that other people have made. And, I, for one, am routing for you.



 

  

[Clarity2023]

Very helpless response... lots of difficult questions.
For everyone - I think he was in the beginning of a relapse to begin with, as one poster mentioned. All the other things, including the accident (he was in a lot of pain that he did not disclose - I left before I found out how bad his foot and ankle are - he might need surgery) turned him into someone I've never seen (not this bad anyway - and now that he's older - he looks so much like his father - I definitely also relapsed - his father mentally/emotionally tortured me for years). I posted in anguish, as you said, which is the perfect word.
"The way you describe your son and your relationship with him makes me think of him as a character in a play—a very cold calculating character who gets off on controlling you. Is this the way you see him? It sounds like he has a very weird unnatural hold over you that sounds very unhealthy. What is preventing you from just being yourself and telling him to F off?" In those moments - yes -he is cold and calculating - I don't think he gets off on controlling me - I think he is such a scared little boy inside he is trying to avoid any kind of collateral damage. He sees everyone as a threat. He admitted that he was so indoctrinated by his grandfather, father and Uncle (who resurfaced in his life and is a huge trigger for him) all he sees are liabilities and problems that need to be avoided.
The other side of this coin is that until recently, I would say that 95% he was good - it was just nerve wracking for me trying to figure out what would set off that 5%. My ptsd is handled with therapy, but it definitely is an issue...not good to be driven by hypervigilence. That doesn't change the fact that we have an unhealthy relationship - not exactly enmeshed - but my therapist says we are trauma bonded and that's a very hard thing to navigate. So the discussion here has made me realize that I have a lot of learning to do and work on changing. I have to tell you - I am tired of this constant work - I spent the last 3 years on "quiet quitting" from my older brother, my closest relative who was my guardian when my mom died. It was so painful and he did not make it easy at all. I was so happy to have so drastically changing that relationship without a lot of public drama....totally reset boundaries and do not feel controlled by him anymore. So I guess onto the next .
The thing with my son is this - in answer to some of your questions
1. Has had serious relationships - they have ended well and they remain friends. - He is not abusive to other women. He doesn't want to get married because I was his father's second wife - and they were at war his entire life. My ex had no filter so he knew way too much - Five year olds shouldn't know about finances and court cases etc. He doesn't want children, but was a wonderful step father to his girlfriends daughter.
2. He went to college on a full scholarship - upon being inducted into the International Psi Chi society, the head of the psych department told me that I need to write a book on parenting because he was such an exemplary human. (I found the parenting accolades amusing).
3. He is kind to neighbors and older women and tells me when he sees them, he hopes if he is gone one day, someone will be kind to me. I believe he means this.

Things got worse when his relationship broke up and then worse again when she recently got married. He threw himself into his work, working 80 hours a week at the exclusion of all else. - he put on 40 pounds and had zero work life balance. The job was also a very toxic and punitive environment. So starting this new job was a big deal.

I could see the stress building as I did when he was in college when he had the nervous breakdown...he's older...I can only encourage him to see his therapist...which he rarely had time for. He does see a psychiatrist regularly because he is on a mood regulator that is good for Cptsd. If he is late with a dose I can see the impatience and anger starting (when he had the accident - I think he missed several doses....thus making everything all the worse.)

So...I asked him if he talks to his therapist about our relationship - he thinks we are good - I told him he needs to do so. I told him it's up to him, but I have dedicated myself to my recovery and if he wants to feel better, now that he's in this new job, he needs to see his therapist every week - not once a month!! He said he agreed. (Once I left Florida and his pain started getting better - it was as if nothing happened and he was back to his 95% self - sooo confusing for me when I am in so much emotional pain). My concern has been that he is not receiving the care he needs. (My therapist thinks he needs DBT) I am his ONLY family member - and I moved him to a state far from all his friends. I am clearly driven by guilt. But I live far away now - and have a happy life for the first time in my life. I have an incredible partner who doesn't quite understand all this psych stuff (he's an engineer ) but is in fact very understanding.
thanks so much

I really appreciate your frankness - it made me take a cold hard look at things.  not sure if I answered everything - but I am getting tired - still fighting the bronchitis - but getting better.

[Clarity2023]

HELPFUL - I didn't proof read!!

[Clarity2023]

HI Badmom
 
I can't tell you how much it helped to read your story- although my heart hurts for you....
I will write you a reply this evening because there was so much similarity in there. I need to think more and also I am not feeling well.
Most of all I want to thank you for how you ended your post...it meant a lot to me 
Clarity

[Clarity2023]

  new poster here!!
I did not realize how the board works so I missed answering a few people, or at least thanking them. I came here at an extremely low moment and your kindnesses have been so touching.
Sancho: ( I hate when replies don't post!)
I think you hit the nail on the head. Also your words were kind and insightful. The night he called me to his house and told me he wanted to be committed the next day - he asked me to stay with him so I just lay at the foot of his bed all night. That you were impressed that he turned to me - I never really thought about it - so thanks for that.
I think you are right that this is not the time to come to any conclusions - I need breathing room - it was all just too much.Traveling 12 hours and then waiting in the rain knowing he was in a crash but not knowing what to do. And then to be confronted with his rage when I was so excited to see him.
I don't know how to quote posts but you said "CPTSD is hard to manage and extra stress could really cause instability." He's been under so much stress  for the past several months I'd say (yes, that's why I went to visit him) - You seem to have knowledge of Cptsd - most people don't and it makes me feel more alone with this.
I feel so responsible for being the guardian of this malady....if that makes sense. I know he's old, but he does not have it under control all the time. He can't even manage to have his pills available to him - and if he doesn't take them he feels very uncomfortable if he is a few hours late. I've given up on this - he will just have to feel the discomfort.

"The treatment clearly made a difference. Things have unravelled, but there is extraordinary circumstances. You did the right thing leaving when the abuse started but it must be painful knowing how unwell he was when you left - and how exhausted and sad you must be from this whole experience."    EXACTLY 
And to top it off, I was so angry with his mistreatment of me - I was not on my game...his foot is a mess and the MRI place didn't send the results to the Dr. He should have been at an orthopedist weeks ago. When do we parent and when do we let them face the consequences? The one time I chose to back off - probably was not the best.
It's a weird thing about him - he is totally incompetent in his day to day life (he can't even put out his garbage or handle his mail!) - but thrives at work.
This new job is much less pressure than the job he left -his therapist and I were both encouraging him to leave - I was thinking things would get so much better for him - it was all just so disappointing, but on the other hand this accident was very bad and things could have been much worse.
So the funny thing is, here I am pouring my heart out....and he calls me the next day like he wasn't a horror to me and wanted to tell me he loved me and to check that my cold was not Covid. He sounded like a different person. It's all very confusing without other people who understand.
Your post was so comforting and made me feel better about myself -
"It might be the time ds has to find his way forward by himself? How do you see a way forward from here? Will he keep in contact?" YES IT IS TIME!!! I need to work on my own life - he's been the center of my universe as far as having inflated feelings of guilt and responsibility. The suicides in his father's family haunt me - and I never want to miss a sign. And YES he will keep in contact! HE needs to contact someone besides me!! I am tired!!!
I talked to him about his new job giving him more time and that for me, therapy weekly is probably something I will need the rest of my life. He agreed he needs to go weekly. I've never walked out on him before - I think it got his attention.

You wrote a very wonderful post - how you managed to truly understand everything given it's so complicated and I probably didn't explain things the best because I was probably still a bit traumatized. I can't thank you enough.
Have a wonderful week-end!!

[Clarity2023]

SaltyDawg 
Thanks for your reply.
You are correct. He was relapsing but with a sprinkling of some BP traits. His father was BP and lots of other things - when we divorced he brainwashed him against me for two years and then killed himself. When he was in the treatment program they said his father "terrorized" him. So I often worry, not so much about him having it, but more mimicking it.
I am afraid I had a relapse too - because suddenly I was being treated by son exactly the way his dad had treated me and he witnessed.
He has not been going to therapy consistently - I am hoping this will change.
Most people don't understand CPtsd so finding people here who do has been very comforting
thanks again for taking the time to read and reply

[Clarity2023]

BadMom
Watching our kids for danger signs is so hard. Knowing they might have genetic predispositions makes it all the more difficult.
"Mental illness is deeply traumatic for everyone involved. And living with emotional dis-regulation can very quickly make everyone in the family emotionally dis-regulated."  WOW is that a powerful statement. And sadly - relatives, friends neighbors, no one can understand it - and it's so terribly private - you can't talk about it anyway.
" I had a small child to raise, so I turned all my attention to my child. And that’s how I coped, by losing myself in him. Because of my son, I knew who I was, what I had to do, and that my life had purpose. If that sounds a little co-dependent, that’s cause it is. It was also the best I could do at the time." Totally the same for me - am going to start working on the codependence again. Have just spent the last few years detaching from my toxic family - so I am sort of worn out. My son is my only blood family. It's hard.
"We must slowly, softly, gently untie ourselves from the them. I must allow my son autonomy, and freedom to be who he is without reacting to him, fixing him, judging him. I can only do that when I focus on myself." Wisest words ever...I will read them back as I face this challenge.
I am routing for you as well and I hope, since we have so much in common...if you ever need - you will reach out. I am well beyond middle age and I'll tell you my best years have been my later ones - life can surprise you in a good way sometimes! 

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Clarity2023]

The advice I received here made me take a cold hard look at my relationship with my son. I was already on that road. However, it’s an up-and-down process this detaching.
In the meantime, his physical condition has deteriorated terribly, so I feel extremely torn… The worst timing ever. I feel like I am held hostage at the moment, but I’m also grieving the fact that I think eventually building better boundaries is going to lead to estrangement… And I will learn to accept that because I can’t live this way anymore..

[kells76]

Hi Clarity2023;

Your thoughts here

However, it’s an up-and-down process this detaching.

made me think of a kaleidoscope.

Every parent-child relationship changes over time. Sometimes the changes can be "normal range" changes that most or all parents & children go through, as kids stretch their wings and launch. And the changes can be good things! As loving as it is to change your baby's diaper, it wouldn't be loving at all to change your able-bodied adult child's diaper 

A kaleidoscope shows you a beautiful picture. You can hold it completely still, but part of it being a kaleidoscope is that you turn it, and the beads and whatnot tumble around and make a new formation, which is a new, though different, picture.

I wonder if you're at a "turning time" with your son. You are leaving behind some wonderful pictures of how things were when he was younger. What makes it extra difficult is that these natural changes have the layer of BPD over them. So while with a "normal range" child, you still might have bittersweet feelings, there is so much more emotion when BPD is in the mix.

While things may be "shaking around" for a bit, I wonder if in time the pieces will settle into a new, different, picture of your relationship with him, beautiful in its own way, whether it looks like the past, or whether it looks like anyone else's parent-child relationship, or not.

Some families have more peace and better relationships with less contact. That isn't better or worse, it just is.

And in those times when you're not in contact with your son, maybe that will give you space and time to work on the non-intuitive communication tools and skills that can make "together times" more peaceful and productive.

...

I think the biggest thing for me, when interacting with the pwBPD in my life, is asking myself: "Can I do/say this and still have my own integrity, regardless of how she reacts?"

I wonder if that would be a helpful question to ask as you decide if/how to care about your son with his health conditions.

You may decide that you will be as involved as you can, even if he yells or rages or blames.

Or, you may decide that you will step back temporarily, allowing others to assist him.

No right answers -- only what you decide you can honestly do.

And nothing has to be "forevermore".

 

[Clarity2023]

Thanks so much Kells.. Wonderful words - the bittersweet feelings get so confusing with the BP overlap.. that really hit home.
He is going to need a very painful surgery and will not be able to drive for 6 weeks. He informed me I need to go back to Florida to drive him! I accept I will need to go there for the surgery- there is no one else (father committed suicide when he was 13). That is my personal decision- my bf will go with me for support. But there is no way I’m going to be his chauffeur for 6 weeks. I was proud of myself that I did not hesitate to decline. However,  that unleashed a wrath I have not seen in years.

I’m very thankful for your helpful and kind reply.