I am seriously cut off

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi! I need GUIDANCE! My 23 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago.  We WERE very close, to the point, I was sleeping over 2x a week at her apartment.  6 months ago, she advised I was the reason for her BPD (I have spent these months trying to figure out what went so wrong!  She has now removed herself from my husband, other daughter & my grandchildren (she was very close to them); i text her once a week (than she advised "why did I give up on her" (i did not!) than...she was going to get a restraining order, because I was stalking her; she sends me random texts when she needs something.  I have researched BPD (seminars, a support group, books, Google) and I am at a total loss...do I keep reaching out?  I miss her so much and think of her first thing in the morning & last thing at night.  I did not even know she switched jobs...i am seriously cut OFF; I am sad & dread the holidays.  Also, I feel that there is pressure put on my other daughter, as she is the only ONE "left"; she is also sad to be cut off; my husband is in total denial....any tips at all would be most appreciated!

[BPDstinks]

Hi! I need GUIDANCE! My 23 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago.  We WERE very close, to the point, I was sleeping over 2x a week at her apartment.  6 months ago, she advised I was the reason for her BPD (I have spent these months trying to figure out what went so wrong!  She has now removed herself from my husband, other daughter & my grandchildren (she was very close to them); i text her once a week (than she advised "why did I give up on her" (i did not!) than...she was going to get a restraining order, because I was stalking her; she sends me random texts when she needs something.  I have researched BPD (seminars, a support group, books, Google) and I am at a total loss...do I keep reaching out?  I miss her so much and think of her first thing in the morning & last thing at night.  I did not even know she switched jobs...i am seriously cut OFF; I am sad & dread the holidays.  Also, I feel that there is pressure put on my other daughter, as she is the only ONE "left"; she is also sad to be cut off; my husband is in total denial....any tips at all would be most appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HappyChappy]

So sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's typical for someone with BPD to project blame onto others. You don't have to accept that blame or respond to it. Just because someone says something (e.g. "False news") doesn't mean it's true.

A system for dealing with this is  J.A.D.E - i.e. don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain when your BPD is acting like this. Easy said than done, I know. They say the opposite of love is indifferent, so take solace that your daughter isn't indifferent to you. What worked well for me, was to change the topic every time my BPD relative started on a negative blame game. Or when it got really bad, warn them I would hang up. Keep posting, we're here to help.

[BPDstinks]

Well...thank you for the feedback...I would love to say she is NOT indifferent, however, she rarely responds when I text her, call her, etc.  I would NEVER have imagined this in a million years...mainly, I just don't know if I should just "cut ties" and wait for her to reach out OR keep texting...my heart says, keep trying.

[SaltyDawg]

BPDstinks,

Might I suggest a compromise for your daughter...

She is imposing no-contact on you and has cut you off.  Yet she also states that you have given up on her - kind of a sick self-fulfilling prophecy.  A classic case where the facts do not match her feelings.

Concentrate on validating what is valid, and that is her feelings.  Do not validate the invalid, which is her facts (which are a false narrative).

Also wait a few days (whatever it is for her to return to a more baseline state) before trying to contact her.

You cannot make her contact you.  However, you can reach out to her, do so with empathy and compassion letting her know you are not giving up on her, by saying something like "I am here for you, I am ready to talk when you are ready".  Use your own words using "I" statements.

There is another very similar thread, you may want to read those responses, including mine at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356923.msg13202895#msg13202895

[HappyChappy]

Sage advice from SaltyDawg, I’d second that. It also sounds like you have a lot to deal with and need support yourself. Be good to yourself.

..... i text her once a week (than she advised "why did I give up on her" (i did not!) than...she was going to get a restraining order, because I was stalking her; she sends me random texts when she needs something...
....any tips at all would be most appreciated!

Someone with BPD will often use a "push pull" system. There's a book called "I hate you - don't leave me" which sums it up. Someone with BPD often gets overwhelmed and strikes out - but their accusations aren't necessarily truthful, they’re designed to manipulate. Meaning you have to ignore the invalid comments (designed to trigger you) and focused on the valid ones. Also using S.E.T. Support, Empathy and Truth. Ironic that we need to be truthful, whilst defending against lies – but it works. Be good to yourself.

[BPDstinks]

thank you, BOTH (sorry, I do not know how to reply individually!) I HAVE read the "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me book and "Stop Walking On Eggshells" (ironically, my daughter suggested them); ironicaly, since my original post, she reached on on Sunday (not in a good day) stating, she does not speak to me, because I did not pay her school bill (um...first I heard of it!) so...I told her, I am here for her when she needs me and suggested ways to try to "mend fences" I am still befuddled because we were very, very close; I look at pictures alot and think "because I want to remember it WAS real!) thanks, again!

[HappyChappy]

I am still befuddled because we were very, very close; I look at pictures alot and think "because I want to remember it WAS real!) thanks, again!

Google "splitting" , it's a coping mechanism for managing difficult emotions. You basically see people as good or bad (more black and white thinking). Hence when they flip someone from good to bad it can seem extreme. Stress, Depression, anxiety and PTSD can all encourage black and white thinking. The fact your daughter got a diagnosis as young as 23 is encouraging, as self awareness is the key. Just encourage her to speak with medical experts, rather than "friends" down the pub with their folk psychology ideas. Expert patient groups etc...