Hi again RRRJCCCN -- looks like I found your intro!
These are the
hardest relationships. You've tried many approaches already, I'm sure. This is not easy.
In the past, how did you approach the phone conversations when she would make false statements?
What happens now, as you're trying this different approach?
I get what you're saying about "okay, how much worse would it really be, if I tried something different?" I hope that can be freeing to you, to try something that is healthier, without the fear of "what if... what if... what if...".
It is okay to decline to stick around on a phone call when there is verbal abuse and/or false statements happening. We aren't required to participate in being a target. In fact, in a way, it can be more loving to your child to decline to be a target (of course, every situation is different).
One of the "nicest" things about having boundaries (i.e., decisions about what we will allow into our lives, based on our values) is that we don't need to explain or announce our boundaries to other people. We are allowed to "just do" our boundaries.
Maybe you're already doing this on the phone calls -- if she starts in on falsehoods or abuse, you would be allowed to say "I'm hanging up now, talk with you later" without having to "make her understand" by explaining "I'm hanging up because you're being abusive".
It is okay for you to decline to listen for 3 hours when you have your own life to live. You can decide for yourself an amount of time to listen that works for you -- maybe 15 minutes, maybe 45 minutes, maybe 5 minutes -- and then say "I'm heading to bed, talk with you later". In fact, this too can be a gift to give her -- giving her an opportunity to soothe herself instead of depending on others. You can be part of helping her build self-regulation skills, by ending the phone calls earlier
...
As you settle in, feel free to check out our section of
Tools and Skills workshops -- the one on boundaries definitely comes to mind.
Glad you're here;
kells76
