Really struggling -iImpact on family members

[IMS]

 :help

I'm back to the forum, really struggling again.

My 30 year old son has been homeless on and off since my last posts. I tried to book motels for him due to violent behaviour on his part, until my funds ran out. During that time he started mixing with the wrong people which could have ended really badly.

His GP prescribed him with two medications as per below, which really helped managing his behaviour.

Early July I quit my job and took him back to live with me. My 28 year old daughter lives in a studio next to the house. I have successfully managed to keep them apart to avoid any fighting. I'm currently doing the "Family Connections" course and have regular counselling. I was sure I could manage him and the family. However, last week he stopped taking his mediation (Anti-Psychotic and anti-depressant) because a "friend" talked him into giving him money which he could double within days. He never intended to pay my son back and blocked him completely. This in turn made my son so angry, sad and disappointed that he is now taking it out on me. The accusations, blame game, put-downs, swearing, door banging and threats have started all over again.

Last night my daughter got into a nasty verbal fight with him, which made it all worse. I was in the middle trying to de-flate the situation to no avail. My daughter now says she wants to move out as she cannot live with "THIS" anymore. I'm heart-broken as I dearly love both my children. I don't know how to manage this situation. My daughter has a good job and could live away from home whilst my son has proven to us time over again that he cannot. He is stubborn and mostly refuses help like counselling. Luckily he has a good relationship with his GP.

When he was homeless I had to fear for his safety 24/7. His medical compliance was non-existent. I used to go and search for him after work to bring him fresh clothes, drinks, meds.

I had been really happy since July after I resigned from my job to care for him, until a week ago. How do I chose between my son or my daughter? I'm in an impossible situation and want the best for both of them without feeling guilty and start blaming myself again.

Any thoughts? I cannot see my counsellor until end of next week.

I'm desperate for help as it looks like I have to make a decision soon.

IMS.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

IMS,

I'm back to the forum, really struggling again.
Welcome back, and it sounds like you are in crisis.  If you need to talk to someone, you can text 741741 or 988 in the US (it is not just for suicidal ideation, they will ask this though) any time 24/7.  If you aren't in the US you can visit https://www.crisistextline.org/.


My 30 year old son has been homeless on and off since my last posts. I tried to book motels for him due to violent behaviour on his part, until my funds ran out. During that time he started mixing with the wrong people which could have ended really badly.

I go to NAMI meetings, and a lot of parents have nearly identical stories, this is a good place for 'in-person' support.  NAMI.org to find local meetings.


His GP prescribed him with two medications as per below, which really helped managing his behaviour.

You are aware that two medications 'fix' the issue.  Unfortunately, it is not as simple as that, he needs to be willing to 'fix' himself for this to work.  What you can do is encourage him to take these medications?


Early July I quit my job and took him back to live with me. My 28 year old daughter lives in a studio next to the house. I have successfully managed to keep them apart to avoid any fighting. I'm currently doing the "Family Connections" course and have regular counselling. I was sure I could manage him and the family.

I hear that you quit your job, and you took him back to live with you.  Earlier you indicated you are out of funds.  I am going to ask you some tough questions...  I know you have the will and desire to take care of him and that is very commendable; however, how do you plan on taking care of him, if you do not have the financial resources to do so?   It sounds like you are being a martyr for your child.  Taking care of a mentally ill child (even if he is an adult), takes energy and resources.  What are you doing for self-care?  Also, by not having funding, or funds, how is that impacting your own welfare?  Your daughters?


Last night my daughter got into a nasty verbal fight with him, which made it all worse. I was in the middle trying to de-flate the situation to no avail. My daughter now says she wants to move out as she cannot live with "THIS" anymore.

I hear your frustration.  It is very understandable that she cannot live with "THIS" anymore.  Perhaps, let her cool off, and talk to her the day after "THIS" happens, when she has had a chance to cool off, and calmer heads can prevail.


I'm heart-broken as I dearly love both my children. I don't know how to manage this situation. My daughter has a good job and could live away from home whilst my son has proven to us time over again that he cannot. He is stubborn and mostly refuses help like counselling. Luckily he has a good relationship with his GP.

I would suggest brainstorming to come up with some ideas.  Would something like this work for you?  Since your daughter doesn't have issues.  I highly recommend that you talk to your daughter objectively about the situation.  If your daughter would move away, it could be locally, and you could still see her on a regular and consistent basis.  This would benefit your daughter by putting some physical distance, a physical boundary if you will between her and her brother.  It would also benefit you as they wouldn't be in each other's hair.  Come up with a bunch of ideas, and use your daughter as a sounding board for them.  Have your daughter also come up with ideas too.  Brainstorming on how to move to a situation with a cooler temperature is very important to do.


When he was homeless I had to fear for his safety 24/7. His medical compliance was non-existent. I used to go and search for him after work to bring him fresh clothes, drinks, meds.

This sounds so tough.  I understand that you want to make sure your 'baby' boy is well cared for.  However, he is an adult.  Even though he has issues, he needs to make adult choices.  If he makes bad choices, there are consequences for those choices (homeless, worse symptoms, etc.).  I sense you are spending so much time on his care that I am concerned about your care.  Self-care is so important.  You need to fill your cup, so you have enough to share with your son.

I feel that you are stuck between a rock and a very hard place, and it seems hopeless.


I had been really happy since July after I resigned from my job to care for him, until a week ago. How do I chose between my son or my daughter? I'm in an impossible situation and want the best for both of them without feeling guilty and start blaming myself again.

It sounds like you are emotionally happy, as caring for your son (and daughter) gives you purpose, and it feels good doing so.  Am I right?  However, when there is a conflict between your daughter and son, it feels like everything you have worked for is falling apart.  It seems impossible to have a 'workable' solution to your dilemma.

Please brainstorm with your daughter on a 'workable' solution.  It may feel as though you are playing favorites, but your son needs you more than your daughter, as you indicated she is more capable of taking care of herself.  So, if your daughter comes up with this solution (as she too is an adult), rather than you, you won't be quite as riddled with guilt.

Since you didn't mention the children's father, I am assuming he is not in the picture.  Could you reach out to him, in order to help with his children?  Depending on his level of involvement, you might want to consider his input too (only if this is a reasonable idea and are comfortable doing so)


Any thoughts? I cannot see my counsellor until end of next week.

If you not comfortable talking to the above mentioned hotlines, perhaps contact your counselor for an 'emergency session'?


I'm desperate for help as it looks like I have to make a decision soon.

I know you are desperate, and I can feel your pain.  However, you need to decide what is best for your particular situation.  I have listed a few resources, and potential paths forward for your consideration.  What you do, is up to you.

Please do self-care, and make sure you have enough resources and energy to deal with this, whatever that looks like for you.

Take care with self-care.

[kells76]

Hi IMS, thanks for coming back with the update.

Am I tracking with you that when he is compliant with his medications, that he does not have the violent impulses or paranoia that he had in the past?

Is he struggling with more than BPD? Do you think bipolar, schizophrenia, something else?

And are you in communication with his doctor (even though he is an adult)?

Not sure if you have read it yet -- there is a book by Dr. Xavier Amador called I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! about how to gain cooperation and compliance for medication/treatment with a person with severe mental illness. The focus of the book is on how to build cooperation with a person with schizophrenia, though whether or not that's your son's struggle, the skills and approach sound like they could benefit you and him and your family. I'd encourage you to take a look.

Like SaltyDawg mentioned, finding more support for you may be critical. NAMI is a reputable organization, as is NEABPD (the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder), which offers free online classes for family members. Learning what other parents have done in similar situations may help you make peace with your choices for how to move forward.

[Randi Kreger]

I read your post carefully and the part I found most disturbing was the part that you explained that you quit your job to essentially babysit your kids.

You are not responsible for two adults getting along with each other. It is their responsibility to get along, so they can both live in the same house. If they fight, they fight. It is not your burden to bear. Maybe one of them will live. That sounds like a blessing.

Everybody needs to start taking responsibility for themselves, including you, and let other people take responsibility for themselves. I learned in writing a book that parents make a very bad mistake: in the name of helping their borderline child, this start trying to fix everything for them. Make the world a safer place for their child, instead of preparing their child for reality.

I don’t have advice for all the specifics. But I know you are doing too much for them and too much for your own mental health. I hope that you can go back to that job because you don’t need the stuff 24 seven you have my best wishes and love and light.

[IMS]

Saltydawg,

Thanks for your reply and very valuable thoughts and ideas and sorry for not replying earlier.

Let's clarify the money situation. While I was working I used up most of my savings and being in my sixties I really couldn't go on this way. I resigned from my job as I was at breaking point. When he moved in I applied for a carer pension which was granted and I am so grateful for this help. Now I can offer him a free bed and can be here when I need to be, without feeling guilty one way or another. (guilt about leaving work with no notice or not beling able to step in when in crisis)

My son also suffers from chronic backpain from an accident. Sleeping rough made it all worse and his medical compliance went out the window. I'm really dealing with someone who has two disabilities. 

I know there is a fine line between helping and enabling and I do ask myself this question all the time and still today I don't have the answer. He is doing much better all around but with BPD it doesn't take much for him to be enraged and taking it out on me mostly. Family Connections is really helping me in that regards and I can honestly say, that I know how to deflate a bad situation, his anger etc.

The main problem I have now is my daughter. As we all know, the whole family suffers with a loved one who suffers from BPD. Sad part is that I'm realy alone, my husband passed away when the children were very young and my family is overseas. I want to spare my daughter further distress and that's why I separated the house, so she can have her privacy. But when he yells she can hear it and gets upset. I have given him 5 rules but sometimes he is too angry to consider them. They are: no yelling, no banging on doors, no braking of our belongings and house, medical complaince, go to important appointments.

That is why I wondering if in fact it would be healthier for my daughter to move out and start her own life. Of course I would keep close contact with her as we are getting along really well, we are close.

My son doesn't trust people he doesn't know, so getting psychological help is difficult. He still blames the world for everything and has very little insight into his illness. My goal is to slowly change that and I will definitely purchase the book that was recommended to me in one of the replies.

It's just so difficult, no matter what I do. I love my adult children so much and just want the best for them. I'm between a rock and a hard place.

[SaltyDawg]

IMS,

When he moved in I applied for a carer pension which was granted and I am so grateful for this help. Now I can offer him a free bed and can be here when I need to be, without feeling guilty one way or another. (guilt about leaving work with no notice or not beling able to step in when in crisis)

From the sound of the 'carer pension' you must be in the UK.  I am in the US, so the rules are a little different.  I do understand there is an income limit on what you can earn to qualify for this, so I can understand why you left your work to care for your son and I can see you this would be without guilt - you are making the best of a bad situation.  Also, for this pension, there is a minimum number of hours in which you are required to care for him, this also prevents you from making a boundary of leaving the home if he doesn't comply with your rules.


My son also suffers from chronic backpain from an accident. Sleeping rough made it all worse and his medical compliance went out the window. I'm really dealing with someone who has two disabilities. 

I understand, and this can be very difficult to manage.


I know there is a fine line between helping and enabling and I do ask myself this question all the time and still today I don't have the answer. He is doing much better all around but with BPD it doesn't take much for him to be enraged and taking it out on me mostly. Family Connections is really helping me in that regards and I can honestly say, that I know how to deflate a bad situation, his anger etc.

Agreed, there is indeed a fine line between helping and enabling. 


The main problem I have now is my daughter. As we all know, the whole family suffers with a loved one who suffers from BPD. Sad part is that I'm realy alone, my husband passed away when the children were very young and my family is overseas. I want to spare my daughter further distress and that's why I separated the house, so she can have her privacy. But when he yells she can hear it and gets upset. I have given him 5 rules but sometimes he is too angry to consider them. They are: no yelling, no banging on doors, no braking of our belongings and house, medical complaince, go to important appointments.

I am sorry for the loss of your husband years ago, and this does make it more difficult to enforce your house rules in order to spare your daughter further distress when your son yells.  With the 'carer pension' rules this kind of ties your hands on how to effectively enforce your rules (boundaries) for your son to comply with your rules.  What can you do, short of kicking him out and making him homeless, if he does not comply with your rules?  What is a consequence you can enforce if your son is 'yelling' where it disturbs your daughter?  I would suggest making a rule of 'no rages' - if he does rage, be prepared to leave immediately (for an hour or so, long enough for him to cool down) with the reassurance that you will be back when he is no longer yelling.  This is what I do with my pwBPD, the moment they become enraged, I take a timeout and remove myself from that situation until things calm down.  Do not JADE while they are enraged.


That is why I wondering if in fact it would be healthier for my daughter to move out and start her own life. Of course I would keep close contact with her as we are getting along really well, we are close.

I think this is a brilliant idea.  I encourage you to follow-up on this idea with your daughter.  It will put a physical boundary where she will not hear your son's yelling rages, it will give her more independence, and then you can focus more on your son, yet maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter.  This will also allow your daughter to launch as an adult as well.


My son doesn't trust people he doesn't know, so getting psychological help is difficult. He still blames the world for everything and has very little insight into his illness. My goal is to slowly change that and I will definitely purchase the book that was recommended to me in one of the replies.

Lack of trust of mental health professionals is understandable.  However, keep on encouraging him as long as he is open to going to see this help.  Randi Kreger's book for parents is another good book on the topic as well, that she mentioned.


It's just so difficult, no matter what I do. I love my adult children so much and just want the best for them. I'm between a rock and a hard place.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place with difficult decisions to make.  Please take time to process your thoughts, talk to your daughter, and a therapist for yourself, and chose the best course of action for yourself and each of your children being mindful not to enable.

You are in a very unenviable position to make these difficult decisions for your children.  Take your time to process your thoughts, get a 2nd opinion from friends who are familiar or a therapist, and then move forward with your decision.

Take care with self-care.

SD