first conversation

[thepixies21]

Well, it was one of the hardest things I think I've ever done, but I did finally get it together enough to tell him that I haven't been happy for a long time and I don't think I want this relationship to continue. It didn't go worse than I expected at least, but it didn't go well. It started to escalate a bit and I decided to not go into any further detail about wanting to separate and eventually divorce because it just felt like based on his reaction, that was enough information for him. I was able to stay calm, and  I told him that I think I'd feel more comfortable talking any more about it with a therapist. That kind of came to me while we were talking, and I realized I would feel much safer telling him about separating in front of another safe person, and I know he would also have someone there to help him process the news which would be good. He said he was ok with seeing someone. Then he walked away and I didn't see him the rest of the night.

Since then, I've been feeling pretty off. I definitely notice a shorter fuse at work (nothing bad has happened, I just notice I'm a little bit quicker to irritation), and I just feel pretty sad and alone. I need to reach out to people, but I've felt so down I haven't really wanted to just yet. It's so painful I just don't know that I want to even talk about it or dig it up right now. But it has been a relief to have that weight off my shoulders, to at least tell him some reasons why I wasn't happy, it felt like this poison I have been holding in for months, and I finally just let it out. Now he knows, and he knows I won't put up with it anymore. But I know it isn't over, there's more to do. Even harder truths to tell coming up. And part of me just feels like it's never going to end. Part of me is just scared that I'm never going to get out. That something is always going to hold me back and keep me here. But I guess all I can do is keep taking these small steps and hope one day I look up and I'm somewhere better. I'm just going through hell and trying to keep going. At least I took step one. Hopefully more to follow.

[ForeverDad]

Well, it was one of the hardest things I think I've ever done... But I guess all I can do is keep taking these small steps and hope one day I look up and I'm somewhere better. I'm just going through hell and trying to keep going. At least I took step one. Hopefully more to follow.

Recovery is a process, not an event.  Though of course some steps feel bigger than others, right?  This all started with peer support and a counselor by your side.

The first step - in this case, informing your spouse - is a huge monumental event.  Usually the next steps flow from one into the next.  Soon the series of steps becomes a path.  Someday you'll look back and be able to see that path as a reality.  Thank goodness we have rear view mirrors!  Right now it's hard to perceive the outcome, but don't doubt but that your path, whichever it may turn out to be, will come into focus soon as long as you keep moving forward.

[livednlearned]

You took step one, a brave thing to do 

It hasn't brought the full suite of emotions because the relationship is not yet over, at least not completely.

I know he would also have someone there to help him process the news which would be good. He said he was ok with seeing someone.

You are a caring person trying to minimize the hurt he feels, and the therapist may provide a feeling of safety for you, so you both benefit.

I wonder if caretaking him while trying to take care of yourself is creating some internal confusion? You want him to land gently, which puts some strain on you.

Now he knows, and he knows I won't put up with it anymore.

He might experience some confusion here ... he knows you've said you won't put up with it anymore, but is there a possibility he might read a different message here? Do you sense that he might interpret the chance to go to therapy as an opportunity to make things work?

[thepixies21]

Thank you for your encouragement! That's what I'm hoping too. I'm just trying to be patient and remind myself this takes time.

[thepixies21]

I wonder if caretaking him while trying to take care of yourself is creating some internal confusion? You want him to land gently, which puts some strain on you.

He might experience some confusion here ... he knows you've said you won't put up with it anymore, but is there a possibility he might read a different message here? Do you sense that he might interpret the chance to go to therapy as an opportunity to make things work?

I talked with my therapist about this today, because I think that is a very valid concern. I definitely don't want this to be perceived as me sending mixed signals, and there may be an element of that. It's not my intention, but I am sure there's a possibility he's thinking it can be repaired. As much as I'd love for that to be true, I know based on his actions after our initial conversation that he doesn't have any interest in changing his behaviors. When I briefly told him some things that were signs to me that the relationship can't move forward, I did tell him that his actions around Christmas last year (he was throwing things, yelling at me while I was trying to sleep, saying the presents I bought for him were terrible) were not acceptable. His response after sitting there silent for 15 minutes was "maybe we'll just cancel Christmas this year." So I can tell he isn't in a place to take any accountability for his own behaviors yet. He still won't take any accountability for his drinking. Right after that conversation last week, where he told me that he's shocked that I don't see him trying to do better and he'll prove it to me, I told him it would be great if he's able to take better care of himself and find good ways to cope. Then he walked down the liquor store and got himself some alcohol and got drunk.

I also was able to talk with my therapist and finally admit that I am scared of my husband, especially when I am telling him things he doesn't want to hear. If I don't rock the boat I feel safe, but if I need to then I am scared of his unpredictable behavior. So I think my hope is I'll feel safe in a therapist's office to tell him the truth, knowing there will be someone there to prevent anything escalating to dangerous behaviors. I have a bag packed and a place to stay, and I think after that session I'll just go straight to my friend's home.

I really truly appreciate both of you and the people on this site for the help you've given me during this process. It's so easy to get stuck in the manipulation and fantasy that everything is fine and I'm just not grateful enough for what I have. I'd rather that be the case than the reality that I need to untangle myself from a person that even though I love, is not good for me, and that I am afraid of. But I'm glad I'm finally here, with my feet on the ground and my eyes open. Hoping I can keep making progress.