Terrified

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am terrified at the behavior of my once loving, caring child. She feels like a stranger.  The angry outbursts, violence hitting things, swearing, and blame that she wouldn't act like that if I didn't upset her.

I don't know what to do to mend this relationship, she says she never wants to talk to me again. She doesn't want to live with me. Doesn't consider me family. Though, she has no way of moving out she behaves to badly to me, the person who is giving to her and providing for her.

I'm just at a loss for words honestly.
I'm sad, lonely, and very scared the daughter I had is gone forever.

[Hopeful914]

I am terrified at the behavior of my once loving, caring child. She feels like a stranger.  The angry outbursts, violence hitting things, swearing, and blame that she wouldn't act like that if I didn't upset her.

I don't know what to do to mend this relationship, she says she never wants to talk to me again. She doesn't want to live with me. Doesn't consider me family. Though, she has no way of moving out she behaves to badly to me, the person who is giving to her and providing for her.

I'm just at a loss for words honestly.
I'm sad, lonely, and very scared the daughter I had is gone forever.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

I am terrified at the behavior of my once loving, caring child. She feels like a stranger.  The angry outbursts, violence hitting things, swearing, and blame that she wouldn't act like that if I didn't upset her.

I don't know what to do to mend this relationship, she says she never wants to talk to me again. She doesn't want to live with me. Doesn't consider me family. Though, she has no way of moving out she behaves to badly to me, the person who is giving to her and providing for her.

I'm just at a loss for words honestly.
I'm sad, lonely, and very scared the daughter I had is gone forever.

Hopeful914,

   Welcome to BPD Family.  I agree it is very scary to lose a daughter to something who has these kinds of behaviors.

   There are lots of tools here, and I encourage you to read and ask questions.

   Most importantly, you are not alone, we all have these feelings.

   You ask how to 'mend the relationship,' a good start, is to listen to her, and validate her feelings, and avoid talking the facts that she is lashing (conflict) out at you (a very warped indication that she loves you the most - as persons with mental health issues will lash out at the ones they love the most).  Borderlines require a lot of validation of their feelings - to some this is an excessive amount of validation.

   Also, setting boundaries, ones that only you can implement and enforce without wavering...  It could look something like "I will not be yelled/hit/threatened.  If you continue, this conversation/interaction will end" - say this once.  If she continues, say something like "I love you, and I will be here for you when you are calm; however, I am taking a break until things calm down, and will can resume this tomorrow morning" - then proceed to leave the room that she is in, and if she follows, leave the house. 

   Borderlines hate being 'abandoned' even if it not real - so be sure to give the reassuring words that you will return, I find returning the next day works best with my pwBPD, if you have a better time frame when she is 'losing it', use that instead.

   My daughter is still a minor and cannot move out, but will do so as soon as she turns 18.  How old is your daughter?

   I find these interactions incredibly draining.  I wrap things up with a reminder to do 'self-care' what ever that might look like for you.  You need to charge your energy up.  I often exercise outside, get some sun on my face and do something in nature.  At night I take long hot showers(bath), curl up with a good book, get lost in a movie, all these are inexpensive.  On occasion you could pamper yourself with a spa treatment, if that is your thing, but I would go broke doing that.

   Take care, with self-care.

[CC43]

Hopeful, people on this site can relate, and it must be confusing for you to be both Hopeful and terrified at the same time.  What you describe are many of the defining behaviors of someone with BPD.  This set of behaviors can be bewildering and daunting to deal with.

From my own experience with a loved one with BPD, sometimes it's easier to understand the behaviors than to know how to respond to them effectively.  At a basic level, the pwBPD in my life displays childish emotional responses, such as tantrums, petulance, out-of-control rage, entitlement, blame shifting, not taking any responsibility, and silent treatments/periods of no contact.  The emotions are so intense (like those of a small child or teen) in comparison to the situation, that her ability to process facts is impaired.  She may even twist facts to convince herself that her rage is justified, rather than face the truth and take any responsibility, because facing the truth would be too painful.  With her childish emotional development and hyper-sensitivity, she is ill equipped to handle the adult world she inhabits.  She has needed significant help to "grow up" emotionally.  I tend to think that people with BPD aren't really sick or damaged, but rather underdeveloped or "stuck" in a childish emotional state.  That perspective helps me see through some of the behaviors and delusional logic, and to understand the pain and loud cries for help.  Sometimes people with BPD might seem to get better temporarily, but they will revert to the childish emotional state when under stress, and stress tolerance is generally low.  And it's challenging to respond to these behaviors effectively, because of her hyper-sensitivity.  It's like Miranda:  anything I say can and will be used against me.

There are resources on this site about how to handle the behaviors.  However, if you read some posts, you can really feel how caregivers are frustrated, even terrified, by their loved ones, despite all the boundaries established and help given, whether in the form of care, understanding, validation, treatment, financial support, room and board, etc.  It seems to me that, at the end of the day, people with BPD need to accept that they have issues and want to develop adult-level emotional control.  The maturation and healing needs to come from within.  However, it seems to me that many people with BPD don't have enough insight to want to improve, because they are set on blaming others, especially the ones who love them and help them the most.  That's a paradox that leads to feelings of resentment, helplessness, fatigue and guilt.  You need to ensure you are getting the breaks and help that you need, because there seems to be no easy or quick fix.

[kells76]

Hi Hopeful914;

First of all, 

and I hope you can exhale and relax a bit here, knowing that you're with a group that understands.

How old is your daughter?

Do you have other family members also living at home (spouse, other children, etc)? Any family members living out of the home, but in the area?

These are the most difficult relationships, yet things can get better.

-kells76