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[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone,

I found out that my husband has BPD. We are separated, and we haven’t been living together for a while, which is a good thing, we have kids and I am currently pregnant. He doesn’t see us for Perosnal reasons. (Consequences of his behavior)

One of the questions that I have is why is he constantly going back-and-forth on his diagnosis? He will admit to me that he has BPD and then he’ll say never mind or he’ll say that I made it up and I’m a liar, which makes no sense at all. Then he’ll say again you’re right about the diagnosis and then he’ll make up some crazy reason why it’s not his diagnosis and never was.

I feel like I’m constantly in a whirlwind of never knowing what he’s gonna do or what he’s gonna say, and I am just curious if anybody else has gone through this with kids and if I could maybe ask some questions thanks .

[Oceanbreeze777]

Hey everyone,

I found out that my husband has BPD. We are separated, and we haven’t been living together for a while, which is a good thing, we have kids and I am currently pregnant. He doesn’t see us for Perosnal reasons. (Consequences of his behavior)

One of the questions that I have is why is he constantly going back-and-forth on his diagnosis? He will admit to me that he has BPD and then he’ll say never mind or he’ll say that I made it up and I’m a liar, which makes no sense at all. Then he’ll say again you’re right about the diagnosis and then he’ll make up some crazy reason why it’s not his diagnosis and never was.

I feel like I’m constantly in a whirlwind of never knowing what he’s gonna do or what he’s gonna say, and I am just curious if anybody else has gone through this with kids and if I could maybe ask some questions thanks .

[SaltyDawg]

One of the questions that I have is why is he constantly going back-and-forth on his diagnosis? He will admit to me that he has BPD and then he’ll say never mind or he’ll say that I made it up and I’m a liar, which makes no sense at all. Then he’ll say again you’re right about the diagnosis and then he’ll make up some crazy reason why it’s not his diagnosis and never was.

I feel like I’m constantly in a whirlwind of never knowing what he’s gonna do or what he’s gonna say, and I am just curious if anybody else has gone through this with kids and if I could maybe ask some questions thanks .

Oceanbreeze777,

Welcome to BPD Family.

Definitely ask questions, as everyone here in this community can empathise with you, with their own stories of their pwBPD (person with BPD) - "we get it".

The short answer to your question is "SHAME".

Your husband is likely ashamed he has this issue, and depending on where his mood swing is at the time he will either admit to having this issue, or deny it altogether.  Many pwBPD will deny this no matter what their mood as is the case of my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife).

I previously had a diagnosed BPD therapist as a peer mentor, and she too would change her position on her BPD diagnosis.  The behavior you have spoken of your husband is not uncommon.

I am sure you are under a lot of stress, and my advice is to do self-care, whatever that might look like for you, so you can take care of yourself and your children.

Take care with self-care.

[ForeverDad]

I would add that family court and those professionals surrounding the court are quite reluctant to delve into the "does a parent have BPD?" issue.  My Custody Evaluator whose task it was to assess and make recommendations to the court on custody issues stated up front, "I'm not here to make a diagnosis of either parent."  (Reality check: most of us here never did get a diagnosis.)

So the long answer is that a diagnosis is not critical.  If there is one, fine, but if not, then you focus on documentation of behavior and patterns of behavior.  (That's what family court does, evidence and documentation.  Imitate that example.)

You've learned the various traits of BPD.  "Traits" are actually ones we all have but are twisted beyond normal to an extreme with the acting-out Personality Disorders.  Make your judgments and decisions with that knowledge in mind.  Whether he agrees consistently (or not) is not basis for you to change your path going forward.

He is an adult, responsible for his behaviors and consequences.  You too are an adult and have a right to make decisions that are right for you.  One of the factors you have to remember is that you cannot fix him.  (That also is one reason family court does not try to "fix" either parent, it deals with them as they are.  Could you come to accept that perspective?)

[livednlearned]

One of the questions that I have is why is he constantly going back-and-forth on his diagnosis?

How did you respond when you learned of his diagnosis?

Does he bring it up, or is it you who mentions it?

Do you feel comfortable sharing what led to your separation? I wonder if he might be trying to determine whether the dx will help him reconcile with you, and he's not sure based on your response. If so the dx becomes more or less valuable depending on how he perceives what you think or feel about it/him.