Adult stepdaughter still thinks her Dad (my husband) should put her first

[beatricex]

Hi All,
I have two adult stepdaughters.  One we suspect is BPD, the other is her older sister.  3.5 years ago, the sBPD daughter cut off all contact with us and gave her Dad an ultimatum.  The ultimatum was if he didn't divorce me he would "never see her or her kids again."

Update on the older stepdaughter who didn't cut us off like her younger sister.  She was very upset I contacted her exhusband at the start of COVID.  She said she was livid.  This caused her sister to become involved and start hating on me (it doesn't take much "wrongdoing" in the eyes of a BPD to discard you and talk others into it as well).  Oldest Stepdaughter was angry at me and told her Dad it would be a long time before she would forgive me, but has been allowing us to pick up her kids and spend time with them.  Recently after text messages that said she "misses the way it used to be," my husband agreed to meet with her and talk things out.

In the meeting, she reiterated that she felt her Dad should put her first before me, his wife.  My husband told her that was never going to happen because she's an adult and "my wife comes first."

This was a few months ago.  He still describes to me how shocked she was to hear this news. 

Is this normal in dysfunctional families to be so enmeshed with one's parents?  Is this a millennial thing.  Where does this come from?  I'm just trying to wrap my head around this.  Why do my husband's grown kids think he's going to put them before me?  3.5 years into this she is still saying the same thing.  I'm really trying to wrap my head around this.

I have no idea if I'll ever have a relationship with either one of them again (my husband is fine with it after many discussions and marriage counseling including Family Connections).

b

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

I had to cut that last post shorter than I wanted to, I want to elaborate some more on the meeting.

My husband asked to meet her for breakfast, and we practiced what he would say beforehand.  He is very angry at her still and he knows he needs to be calm if there's going to be any resolution.  We helped her through an extreme DUI, drug arrest and I paid first and last month's rent on her apartment and my husband cosigned on the lease 5 years ago.  The reason I texted her exhusband is because of something her oldest son said to me about his Dad.  The divorce has been very hard on these kids.  He said when he was at my house "I love my Dad" and was almost crying.  His Dad is diabetic and there was disagreement between her and my husband and I at the start of COVID.  We were taking it seriously, she thumbed her nose at it.

I tried a couple times to persuade her to take it seriously, then dropped it.  My husband was a little more heavy handed, she went to San Diego the week they were shutting down California because of COVID.  She took her kids to do Kid Stuff and she met up with her long distance boyfriend there, who funded this vacation. 

Later my husband and I found out she broke up with this guy while there, and a week later she was dating someone my husband worked with (they are now living together, it is 3.5 years later).  A week after the first trip to another state, she took a second trip to California at the start of COVID with the new boyfriend (she must have been dating him at the same time) to get this guy's young child from the grandparents and bring him back to the state he lives in.  Long story, but the mother died so the grandparents were taking care of his son.  The grandparents of our stepdaughter's boyfriend's kid subsequently sued for parental custody because the Dad just came and got him (he was 3) and there was no transition.  They were worried he was autistic, he had a lot of health issues since birth because his mother who died was sick during her pregnancy.

In the context of discovering all this was going on at the time my step grandson told me "I love my Dad" I realized maybe he was reacting to his Mom's new boyfriend going to retrieve his son from another state and the "fighting" he was likely overhearing regarding custody.

My stepdaughter apparently met her new boyfriend (who coincidentally worked with my husband) "online," I think in a support group about those fight grandparents who are trying to take one's kid from then.  My husband and I are not sure why she believes her own kids are being taken from her.  They do live with their Dad and the other set of grandparents half the time, but Dad is doing the caretaking, not the grandparents.

Trying to give more of the backstory because there is more enmeshment and to explain why my husband has been so firm with her about "she's an adult" and she doesn't come first with him anymore.

When COVID started, this oldest daughter moved in with her boyfriend because she could no longer afford rent, we assume.  She never told us this, she hid it from us, and we were cosigners on her lease!  This is typical immature behavior from her.  I should add that she's 36 now.    We ended up calling her apartment complex manager for reassurance we weren't going to have to pay her rent since she ghosted us and we had no idea what was going on.

I have many theories about why the cut off happened.  She triangulated with her sBPD sister and it was pretty convenient to ghost us as she was doing things we wouldn't have agreed with, and she moved in with a new guy pretty fast.  Her kids met this new guy 6 months after they started dating (if you can call snatching his kid from another state a "date") and she introduced her kids to the new guy and then moved in with him within a year of meeting him.  It all happened very fast.  Her new boyfriend's Mom also lived with the two (3 adults and 3 kids in that house), so it was pretty cramped.  The new boyfriend's Mom moved in with her son so his son who didn't really know him that well could "transition."  The 3 year old from California knew his bio grandmother better than he knew his Dad.

Kind of a long story, but needed to explain it better why it's so disturbing she keeps trying to lay territory on her Dad.  What is it about millennials that they think they "own" or are "best friends" with a parent?

I am really struggling to understand all this behavior without judgement, but keep thinking "Karpman triangle" and "anti social behavior" when I even think about everything my husband's oldest daughter has done in the past 5 years, it makes my head hurt.

I'm not imaging it right?  My husband needs to get some Boundaries with both his adult kids is an understatement, correct?

b

[beatricex]

So the breakfast meeting.

This was a meeting to "touch base" since she seems to want to reconcile.

My husband had a few questions for his daughter such as, "why if you were mad at my wife did you go complain to your sister and not contact my wife directly?"

He said that she did a lot of damage.  She acknowledged that it was incorrect to do this.  She said she was just upset because I texted her ex and "she thought we were friends" and was hurt that I did that.

My husband explained the reason why I texted her exhusband.  He said "you know B and your son have a special bond right?  She is his grandmother and he loves her and tells her stuff. He expresses his feelings to her."  [this sort of blew her away]

My husband also said "we are not going to talk about your sister if we resume our relationship, agree?"  He also added [regrettably he now says], "she's toxic."

His oldest laughed and said "yeah, I know."

She has no idea that when her sister [sBPD] cut us off from her and her kids 3.5 years ago, we went through all the stages of grief.  We saw a marriage counselor, and enrolled in Family Connections to deal with it.

My husband added "you cannot tell your sister about every conversation we have, ok?" [I wanted him to say "we're not interested in having a relationship with your sister through you," but I think that was close enough].

My husband asked if her statement about "missing the way things used to be" included the time she spent with us (her Dad and stepmom) or did she mean prior time?  She said she missed the recent past, with him and her stepmom.  My husband [relieved to hear this] reiterated that if we were to move forward she still needed to come talk to me.

The end of the meeting was about my husband simply asking if we were still going to be allowed to pick up her kids occasionally on the weekends she had them, for a couple hours or so.  She said "Yes!  I would never keep my children from their grandparents, I KNOW how important grandparents are."  [hmmm, in the context of the guy she lives with won't even Facetime his son's grandparents - he says he doesn't have or know how to use a smartphone - this is a little Rich, but OK]

My husband's oldest daughter has no idea we found the Grandparent's Parental custody court case online and read it, that her boyfriend went through.  She told her Dad about it a little (she said there was a court case), and her youngest son sort of alluded to it once when he was at our house he said [his new half brother] might have to go live with his grandparents cause he might be autistic!

Most of the meeting was my stepdaughter crying to her Dad and saying how hard it is now that her boys are older and she's really struggling with the oldest.  He won't get in the car with her when she picks him up from school sometimes and "she doesn't understand why he loves his Dad so much, cause his Dad's a loser!"  She mostly wanted to talk to her Dad about stuff she really can't talk about with anyone else, how much she hates her ex husband and his Mom...why her exhusband is such a loser (he quit his job and lives with his parents), why he's wronged her - she's paying child support, etc

We gather that to all her friends everything is perfect in her life, with her new boyfriend, his Mom and her ex.  She often lies or embellishes stories, making them sound better than they are, I noticed this about her.  Then later, we find out things were not as great as she made it sound.

I told my husband, "that she's actually admitting to you things are pretty bad is a first.  I wonder how the new "instant blended family" is going, did she say anything about that?"

He said she said everything is going great, they have plenty of money! 

I kind of laughed at that, since money doesn't hold a family together. 

It's clear to both of us that our oldest grandson isn't liking the situation or his Mom's new boyfriend AT ALL and is getting to the age where he can fight back and he is.

I guess I have a decision to make if I want to hear my stepdaughter out and forgive her.  Because she's so manipulative and I still feel used and I want to have better boundaries in general with her, I'm just not sure I'm ready.

I also think to myself "if it aint broke don't fix it".  Right now picking up her kids occasionally and seeing them is working, why change anything.

My husband and I are not accepting her new boyfriend and his son into our life (I haven't even met him).  I guess that's why she feels ready to forgive me. 

hmmmm

b


 




 

[murmom]

Hello Beatricex!

It sounds like you and your husband have a lot on your plate. I think a positive in your situation is that your husband makes it clear to his daughters that you come first in his life. Isn't it even more stressful when we are dealing with significant others, grandchildren AND the individual with BPD (dx'd or not)? I can empathize with you because I have drama around my dx'd BPD daughter, her boyfriend and my granddaughter. I am also married for the second time (not to the father of my daughter) and I make it clear to them (daughter/boyfriend) that my husband and our lives come first and we can assist when we see them doing their part. I know the grandchildren get caught in the middle and it's not fair that they have to grow up with all this dysfunction. All you can do is have the best relationship with your grand that you can - be their rock. That's what I try and do with my granddaughter, when I do see her. I don't know if it's "this generation" or not that seems to act so enmeshed/emotionally dependent on parents or it's the BPD. I have two other grown children that do not behave as my daughter does, so I think it has more to do with dysfunctional behavior/BPD dx. I have recently been putting up stronger boundaries (and following through with them) and I don't know if it's helping my daughter move along in life - but it's helping me and my husband live in peace.  I think strong boundaries are self care and one of the best things you could do for yourself and your husband, Beatricex.

[beatricex]

Thank you murmon

Your reply was very supportive and helped me see there's a positive.  Also that it's not the generation, it's the BPD Family dynamic.

Quick update:  last time my husband was supposed to pick up the grandson's from non BPD oldest daughter's house, it was the youngest birthday weekend (not his birthday exactly, but it was the weekend before when at Mom's).  She texted my husband and said they're both grounded and aren't going anywhere, the plan was off.

This made my husband angry.  He replied with: this is using grandparents as a weapon and isn't cool.

We are going to try to pick the grandsons up again next weekend.  My husband has made the decision that if is daughter makes up another excuse like they're grounded that he's going to call her and have a conversation with her.  He's going to tell her she can think of another punishment that doesn't involve keeping us from them, and that she is forcing him to go to her exhusband.

He then plans to call his daughter's exhusband to ask if we can pick up the boys on one of his weekends.

My husband and I have talked about this a little, I said "you realize you will be starting a war with [your daughter] if you do this...this is why she got mad at me, she perceived I went to the "side of the enemy" when I texted her ex."  My husband said he doesn't care, he is angry at her and enough is enough.

I also said it's a good idea we didn't go along with hating on the boy's Dad with her 3 years ago (we took a Hard stance against this as it's Parental Alienation), or we wouldn't be able to call their Dad right now.  He said "yup, you're right."

weird how I saw this one coming, my oldest stepdaughter is completely alienated from her ex husband and his Mom at the moment, she's only talking to her ex FIL.

b

[murmom]

Beatricex:

I know it throws a whole new level of dysfunction in the mix when there is a grandchild involved. I have to walk on eggshells at times to keep a good relationship going with my 4 year old granddaughter. Sometimes that means getting involved in the parents' drama, lying, manipulation just to get to see my granddaughter. No easy answers. Right now I can't take any manipulation so seeing granddaughter is on hold. I think it's good you are keeping on good terms with the ex. If nothing else, it's showing your grandson that adults can behave like adults. Your grandson will know the truth some day. 

[beatricex]

thank you murmom and I have to keep that front in center in my mind

We're trying to set the right example, we're trying to be the adults.

husband texted his daughter yesterday asking if we could pick up the kids this morning.  She never answered.

My husband and I discussed it and we think it's very likely she is triangulating with her sBPD sister at this point since the holidays are coming up and they normally get together so all the cousins can play at least once a year.  Holidays do seem to trigger my sBPD stepdaughter who told us I cannot possibly love her because I'm not her blood.  About 4 years ago when she was still talking to us (before she cut us off) sBPD daughter got annoyed that I said "I love you" to her.

It's really damned if you do damned if you don't with these kids. 

murmon, I totally relate to the feeling you have of walking on eggshells.  Nothing I ever do or say is "Right" or "enough" with these girls.  The crappy thing is the sBPD stepdaughter has probably pulled the non BPD stepdaughter in.  It's what happens in the dysfunctional family system alliances are always set up.  There is a lot of manipulation and I hate it.  It all just feels icky to me!  like my FOO!