Lawyer consult

[Hope4Joy]

My therapist recommended a consult with a lawyer just to help guide my thoughts - stay or go. Any advice on how to find one or how to be prepared? Any chance one could be recommended in West Houston?

[SaltyDawg]

I'm not from Texas; however, there is an excellent book on how to find an attorney, and most things you need to know moving forward...

"Splitting - Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder"  By Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger, William A. Eddy · 2021

Get the book, best money you can spend if you decide to follow this path.  You can see the 'quick start guide' at https://www.google.com/books/edition/Splitting/WxQxEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PT8&printsec=frontcover along with several other pages to get you started... while you are waiting for your copies.

Take care with self-care.

[EyesUp]

Hi there.

Unfortunately, I don't have an atty recommendation, but I can offer a few general comments.

I'm not sure what your T means by "guide your thoughts," but one thing that comes up in a lot "how to divorce" guides is: do not use your atty as a therapist.  

Unless you've got a lot of cash to spare, the hourly rate for a good atty is often higher than a licensed therapist, with zero reimbursement (depending on your insurance plan, of course).

It sounds like you may have some concerns and questions about the process, and your T is suggesting that you should fill in those gaps with practical, legal advice, which is perfectly fair.

My suggestion is to approach this as a shopping exercise.  Interview multiple attys.  Many will provide an initial :30 min consult for free.

You can use this initial consult to get a better sense of how attys view your situation, and to find someone you're comfortable working with.

Some things to look for are attys who can demonstrate real experience dealing with high conflict and/or personality disordered cases.  Many will say that they have this experience, but you'll need to probe a bit to determine if they truly do.  Ask questions.  What was the situation?  What was the outcome?  How do you advise clients in this type of situation?  

Remember, attys get income from conflict - so it's not necessarily in their interest to help you reduce conflict - and as a result, they often love high conflict cases...  

In the worst cases, you'll want a litigator - not a negotiator.  This is to prepare for a trial, even though a majority of cases settle.  The benefit of a litigator is that they will often help you settle - and if that's not possible, at least you have an atty who is best suited to help you through a trial.  During the interview / free consult, you might ask directly:  Are you a litigator?  What percentage of your divorce cases settle vs. go to trial?  

Finally, this last comment is tough, but often true:  Ultimately, you need to manage your case.  Your atty is not truly going to do this for you.  You need to tell the atty what you want, and then ask for their expertise to make it happen.  You might not know exactly what to expect, or even what you want today (no one starts out wanting a divorce) - but the sooner you can get to a point of conviction about what you want to make happen, the better you'll be able to manage your case and manage your atty.  You are the CEO of your divorce, and your atty is your head of operations.  You rely on your atty's expertise and training, but no one knows your situation better than you - and your atty works for you.

Best of luck with your search.

[livednlearned]

My therapist recommended a consult with a lawyer just to help guide my thoughts - stay or go. Any advice on how to find one or how to be prepared? Any chance one could be recommended in West Houston?

Do you feel comfortable sharing what's going on? It's ok if you don't. I'm wondering if there are safety issues or kids or substance abuse, which might influence how you think about who you want to work with.

This article might help you screen for an assertive lawyer (versus passive or aggressive): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

Depending on how high-conflict your spouse is, it's a good idea to consult with a lawyer even if you do choose to stay. One member here used to keep the card of a DV lawyer in his wallet as a form of insurance, for example. All signs pointed to a false allegation and he was counseled to have someone he could call if necessary.

If you have the funds, consulting with 2-3 is even better, which might run $500 depending on whether they offer free consultations or charge. Some people recommend consulting with lawyers who are known to be aggressive because it takes those attorneys out of the running in case your wife initiates divorce first.

To find lawyers who are likely to be familiar with personality disorders, you can google "high-conflict divorce" or "parental alienation."

The first lawyer I talked to was young and inexperienced, and she worked at a law firm with a big marketing budget. In retrospect, she gave me terrible advice. I consulted with a second attorney who was assertive, and she shared some things that provided a lot of clarity and a plan plus 3 or 4 contingencies. She was also very up front about how to help shave costs, how billing was done, her reputation helping her clients mediate vs litigate, how long she would take to respond and what would happen if she was on vacation, etc.

[Turkish]

I agree not to rely on an attorney to help you make your decision, and that's better worked out with a therapist.

The first attorney I consulted with gave me almost an hour for free... and by the end I felt that she was over-validating me. She suggested gifting our kids' mom above guideline support and the like... ???

The second that I hired was more staid, and he didn't buy into BPD, but focused me on what was best for the kids even though he validated me that she was a bit weird. Using the communication skills here as well as board support, we avoided court and I was able to negotiate a fair custody and CS stipulation without showing up in front of a judge.

It may be that you will need to fight, but that's an option that might cost $ and much emotional stress. If I'd gone with the initial lawyer, that's where I might have ended up.