Left alone for a trip

[Strugglebusrider]

My husband has undiagnosed, narcissism and borderline personality. He gets triggered and it snowballs into a rage and lasts for days. I leave for a trip to see my daughter for five days on Friday (he says he’s happy for me but usually recta anyways) and I know he’s anxious about that. We’ve only been married two years and I haven’t done this before. Should I pack and hide everything to keep his anxiety down? Or should I deal with it head on and put everything by the door like I usually do? I’m wanting to do this the day before I leave.

Thanks for your guidance!
Strugglebusrider

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

My husband has undiagnosed, narcissism and borderline personality. He gets triggered and it snowballs into a rage and lasts for days. I leave for a trip to see my daughter for five days on Friday (he says he’s happy for me but usually recta anyways) and I know he’s anxious about that. We’ve only been married two years and I haven’t done this before. Should I pack and hide everything to keep his anxiety down? Or should I deal with it head on and put everything by the door like I usually do? I’m wanting to do this the day before I leave.

Thanks for your guidance!
Strugglebusrider

My advice?  Don't walk on eggshells.  Do what you normally do and increase communication during the process.  If he shows anxiety, then comfort him and thank him for understanding why you'd want to see your daughter.  Tell him that you wish he could travel with you as well.  In other words, meet him halfway and reaffirm that this is just a short trip to see your kid.

[SaltyDawg]

Strugglebusrider,

Welcome to BPD Family.

You say that you haven't done this before (with him I am assuming).

Like Pook said, a lot of communication is key.  I will expand a little bit on this...

Make sure you give him plenty of reminders, no less than once or twice per day, and when you do, remind him it is only for five days, and you will be back, each and every time.

If the bus is going to be late, on the return trip, make sure you communicate this with him a few hours (2-4) before you originally stated that you are going to return (don't do it too soon, as that will be stressful) with a revised ETA (if the bus company says 9-10 PM, give him the 10PM slot, or even a little bit later, that way you can show up early, and his worry will be less).

Also, while on the bus trip, make sure you make phone calls or text messages, indicating you miss him, and look forward to returning a few times per day.  This will reassure him.

If your bags by the door stresses him, consider moving the bags a little bit farther away from the door (coat closet comes to mind or a nearby room), so out of sight, out of mind.

Be sure to do self-care whatever that looks like for you.

Take care with self-care.