Lessons Learned after my uhwBPD ‘s Worst Outburst Ever

[JazzSinger]

A few months back, I thought I’d lose my mind.  My husband had an outburst that resulted in six months of his angry face, his meanness, and his constant criticism of me.  I thought I was at the doorstep of a nervous breakdown.  . It felt like more pain, sadness and anger (I hated him) than I could bear.  All the while, I feigned normalcy, so as not to set him off and make him worse. Still, I think he knew I was merely putting up with him.  I was going through the motions.  Then, one day, he seemed to snap out of it, and was he normal and even more loving than he’d been in quite a while. 

Things are still OK now, and I’m grateful for a peaceful home, even though I know it’s only temporary.

Next time, I’ll get out.  I’ll take a hotel for a couple of nights, to get away from the pressure of it.  Because if I don’t, next time I could lose my mind.  I was tempted to go to a hospital and ask for help, because I felt so fragile at times.  It was very hard to live in a state of fear yet fake normalcy the whole time. I felt like I wanted to leave my body. It was too much.  Six months is a long time!


If I leave for a bit, at least I’ll be able to think. To rest. To live without fear of the next insult.  The next angry facial expression.  And I can’t worry about how he’ll react.  I just need to save myself.   Because he’s not worth my sanity.  Unfortunately, as a senior citizen on a limited income, I can’t leave forever.  But I can take mini breaks from him. And I will. 

[Justapotato]

Not sure what I have to offer but I’m in a similar position, contemplating what feels like the inevitable. I’m currently living with my partner in his country having rented out my house in my country. When we argue I have nowhere to go and feel very trapped. Especially now as we have had near constant fights for days after his manic period when I just needed a few days to myself to recover. But being Xmas hotels are so expensive and I don’t have any friends here to stay with. I know I could go home to my mum when flights are cheaper but I’m 99% sure she’s undiagnosed bpd (see a trend emerging) and after she threw me out as a teenager it’s been hard to spend any length of time with her. Short spells are tolerable. But at least I have friends there.

I met my partner traveling and we spent nearly three years on the road. Many times then our fights would end up in some bad situations. I was once thrown out of our Airbnb to sleep on the street in South Africa, once he left me in Uganda and flew home. Some very lonely times. Don’t get me wrong I had nigh on breakdowns and had to leave him at times too, but it felt more manageable because everything was fluid and I just carried on traveling. Living together was meant to be settling down, but now I’m wondering if this relationship will ever be settled.

I guess it depends how much of the time is settled for you and are the outbursts manageable if you can get away for a while? I had always hoped that the bpd would become less volatile with age, and therapy had helped, but sounds like that’s not the case?

Sorry I can’t help but I sympathize for sure… ❤️