Not Sure How to Handle my Will

[AcheyMom]

I’m wondering how others handle making out their wills when you have little to no contact.  We have two daughters and the one with BPD has been horribly abusive to us in recent years and continues to spread lies about us.  She can be so malicious that I fear elder abuse is inevitably in my future if she’s in my life in 10-20 years.  She abuses drugs and gets involved with criminals so we have feared for our personal safety for the last 10-15 years. I have actually feared that she will do something really bad to us thinking she will inherit some money.

Our other daughter is kind and responsible and is part of our lives on a near daily basis.  She has no contact with her sister and no desire to in the future. 

I feel that cutting one child out of your will is incredibly cruel.  I still love her deeply and think of her daily, I just can’t be part of her chaotic life any longer. Also, she only wants us around for our resources, nothing else.  Since we told her we are not willing to help her financially any longer (she’s 33) she doesn’t speak to us.  At the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to our other daughter who remains a constant in our lives that her sister gets half of our assets. 

I am very torn.  It seems like quite a harsh statement to make to reduce her amount.  At the same time, she’s received 100s of thousands in legal settlements (between 2 different accidents) and blown it in months.  She’s had money enough to set her and her son up for life and blown it.  Our other daughter works hard and has never been given a large sum of money.

Would appreciate some thoughts.  It’s been weighing on me lately.

Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Achey, you are right to feel torn.  Unfortunately this is not an uncommon problem.  I'm not an attorney but there are middle grounds between disinheritance and leaving behind cash that is likely to be squandered.  Maybe you could set up a trust with a trustee that would dole out money gradually and/or conditionally, for example only a certain amount per year after negative testing for illicit drugs.  Maybe you could appoint a trusted person, like an uncle (not your other child) who could take on the trustee role.  An estate attorney would know the multiple options and could advise you if it makes sense to set up a trust.  But it's good that you're planning ahead.  Planning is always better than ignoring or avoiding.

[Pook075]

Hi and thanks for sharing.  I'm in a similar position.  Two daughters...one married and getting by on a modest budget...the other living her best life with BPD and zero consequences in life.  I have repaired my relationship with my BPD daughter but I wonder the same thing- there's no way I could leave 50/50 assets and expect a good outcome.  So my plan (at least for now) is to leave half to my stable kid and the other half in a trust of some sort for my BPD kid where she gets a monthly payout and can make major purchases with approval.

I also have a close friend who's sister has BPD (or something similar) and their experiences are identical to yours.  She's been cut out of the will completely by her parents and it took years of abuse for them to reach that decision.  I have a feeling though that they'll regret it at some point and change the will again, because it's a topic that comes up often.  It certainly isn't an easy decision.

I know that's not much help, but it's one of those topics where you really need to follow your heart and probably get some guidance from an investment professional.  I'm going through a divorce with a BPD spouse, so I have to re-write my will and this topic has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'd be curious to hear others opinions as well.

[Sammy Jo]

Same thoughts here. Younger non-BPD daughter, and older BPD daughter. Torn with the same decision. Although we're in our late 50s, this is a decision that needs to be made now. I lean towards 50-50 with the BPD daughter's inheritance being placed in some sort of trust, NOT to be administered by the other child. Although I still vacillate by leaving more to our younger daughter b/c over the years, so much has been spent on our BPD daughter for medical treatments, bailouts, etc. No easy answers here.

[kells76]

Getting legal advice, like others have suggested, will likely be worth whatever you pay for the consultation.

My workplace offers a "free legal appointments" benefit (you sign up during open enrollment), so you could see if you or your spouse have that benefit.

You can also call a few local lawyers, explain your situation, and see if they will do a free or low-cost "initial consultation". You wouldn't be required to retain the lawyer at that point, you could just get more information about legal requirements in your area.

There are websites like avvo.com that let you sign up for free to post legal questions, and get free answers from lawyers. Check it out to see if it would be a good fit for you. Others may have already asked similar questions, too.

I lean towards 50-50 with the BPD daughter's inheritance being placed in some sort of trust, NOT to be administered by the other child.

Wise idea -- to try to minimize the drama and conflict for your non-BPDd.

...

Would your BPDd feel like she "won" if she received, or felt like she received, "more items" than your other D?

For example, maybe your will would have a list in it of "who gets what". While the money split might not be exactly 50/50, perhaps there are items you could list out, such that the list on your BPDd's side is longer than the list on your other D's side. Some pwBPD respond well to "getting more items" than the other person, even if the more valuable (whether tangible or intangible) things go to the non-disordered person.

Maybe your non-BPDd could receive more financially, plus your home, plus other key decisionmaking items, while your BPDd could receive things that would feel "big ticket" to her but would not damage your other D's future (vehicle, household goods, etc).

[Sancho]

Hi Acheymom
You bring up a really important thing to consider and knowing the legal situation about things is really important. We have a community legal service that you can ring up and ask questions - they also have an online information site which is really good.

On of the things that exist here is that if a child is left out of a will they can contest the will. It is based on the principle that parents have an obligation to provide for their children unless the one left out is extremely well off.

The idea of a trust is useful as it provides for all children equally by dividing the dividend from the trust equally between the beneficiaries on a regular basis. When the beneficiaries die, the trust amount can be divided among grandchildren.

In my case I just have dd and my aim is to make sure she has a roof over her head. I have therefore invested in a small apartment. My home is too big for dd to manage and lord knows what would happen if she was left it - her mates would convince her to sell it in about a week and - big party!

I will leave a life interest in the apartment to dd. This means she can live in or rent it out (by an agent) and have the income from it for life. When she dies it will go to grandchild.

It is good to look at the situation now and set up a will that reflects what you are comfortable with now. If your situation changes and you can see a better model, change your will.

In relation to benefiting your other dd, perhaps there are other ways that you can look at that are outside of a will.

[beatricex]

We have already decided our money will be left to the grandchildren setup in a trust so that it cannot be spent unwisely.  Solves the problem of non BPD sibling triangulating with the BPD one for us.  Also, if the grandchildren wish to share any with their mothers I guess I won't mind since I won't be around.

[Sancho]

Beatricex have you had the will drawn up by a lawyer? We have the Testator's Family Maintenance Act which allows children to challenge if they not allocated - or even sufficiently allocated in the will.

It is worth checking what the law is in your case because many people just think 'It's my will I can leave it to whoever I want'.

That is not always the case - or rather you can make such a will but there are other laws that impact whether it can be challenged. If it is challenged it can take up all or a great deal of the inheritance.