advice on parenting proposal

[zondolit]

Hi all,

I'm looking for advice on strategy for parenting time as I divorce. Here's the situation.

We have been nesting (children stay in home and parents move back and forth from an apartment with a shared lease) and sharing parenting time 50/50.

The divorce process has thus far resulted in. . .nothing but much expense and emotional distress. The 50/50 nesting arrangement has no legal backing.

Two weeks ago their dad announced he is moving into our home full-time starting yesterday. The children are willing to move back and forth and live with me in a small apartment. (Earlier they had not been eager to live in the apartment, which is small for four people. I've looked for bigger places; there's nothing I can afford.)

The children describe their uNPD/BPD dad as increasingly angry and unpredictable. I concur. Yesterday an acquaintance called me after an interaction with my stbx that led her to ask me if I have a safety plan in place.

The older children recently told me it is really difficult living with their father and they wish they could live with me and see their dad on occasion. I would be happy to have them 110 percent of the time!

Over Thanksgiving, an incident occurred that led the three children to become highly distressed and refuse to spend an afternoon with their father and his parents, their grandparents. The children held steady with their refusal despite nearly two hours of pressure from dad and grandparents. The older children pleaded with me not to leave them. 

Since then, we have continued with the 50/50 plan but the children dread the time with their father.

It is hard for me to think straight these days. I do not want to put the children in danger but I also know sudden moves will only make their dad worse.

Here are some of my options:
1. I propose 50/50 parenting time in hopes that it makes the divorce proceedings go faster. I trust the children will eventually "walk with their feet." This has been my strategy thus far. 
2. I propose more parenting time with me than their father, say, he gets Sundays and I get the rest of the week. I couch this in terms of me providing a service (all the drudgery of childcare their father actually does not like) so he can focus his attention on growing his businesses.
3. I seek an early neutral evaluation using a therapist who will talk with the children. I am certain the children will express a preference for more time with me, although they also know this will enrage their father. Cost is $4000 and the results are not binding and cannot be seen by a judge. (I spent years with their dad in couples counseling and he is not swayed by professional opinions.)
4. I seek a custody evaluation, which I understand is binding. Cost is $10,000 and likely will take some time and make things even more contentious. Because my husband likely comes across as "high functioning" (although I disagree) and there is no sexual or physical abuse, I'm not certain of the results. Forum members' experience suggests the process is rarely helpful.

I'm wondering what y'all think of #2. Do you have language to suggest for a #2 proposal? Given that he has narcissism as much as BPD, would this have any chance of allowing him to save face while getting the children what is best for them? Historically, I did nearly all of the parenting. The last year of him parenting half-time has been hard on him. (He's taken to telling the children "I'm not your bus driver! I'm not your maid!") His businesses have historically lost money, but he sees himself as an entrepreneur and this is of utmost importance to his sense of identity. On the other hand, an unequal parenting plan normally means he would receive lower child support payments from me; although it seems unfair, maybe I propose child support on a 50/50 plan while parenting time on a 85/15 plan.

[ForeverDad]

#1 - I don't think appeasing with equal time would be a good option because then you'd probably (not sure) need basis to go back to court and justify a change.

#2 - Just understand that courts are used to setting parenting time with some form of alternate weekends included.  Both parents typically would do well with at least some weekends off.  (If he is a police officer or fireman, then the schedule might be adapted for other days off.)

Also remember that nearly all schedules include, in priority order:

• Holidays, usually alternating, then reversed on alternate years
• Vacations, usually 2-3 weeks per year
• Regular parenting schedule