My BPD Daughter

[SED]

Having read a few posts, I notice that many people with children with BPD have experienced their child's anger.  I have a 34-year-old daughter with BPD who does not rage at me.  I think she may have had anger issues with her 3 husbands.  Not surprisingly, she is divorced from all.  Her problems are more about despair and losing touch with reality.  She has lost custody of two of her children and she has a distant relationship with her eldest child.  I am concerned about her remaining two children (3-year-olds).   I think she is neglectful and, frankly, I find her house disgusting.  She does have a job, but I don't know how she hasn't been fired.  She will not seek therapy but self-medicates mainly with alcohol.  I know I cannot take responsibility for her actions, but I find it so incredibly hard not to bail her out of financial predicaments and that's partly because I worry about her remaining children having enough to eat or heat in the house.  I love my daughter, but I don't think I like her very much.  I am a very rational and logical person and I know BPD people are deeply emotional, so I feel ill-equipped to help.   I want to help her.  But I do not know how. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

SED, I feel for you.  As you've seen on this site, BPD behaviors are on a spectrum.  Though rage and angry outbursts seem to be a common feature, so is depression.  I tend to think that depression is anger directed inward.  It may also be that depression is co-existing with BPD.  The upside is that there are medications to treat depression.

Substance abuse also appears to co-exist with BPD.  My stepdaughter, who is diagnosed with BPD, was self-medicating with pot for a few years, and that aggravated her BPD symptoms in my opinion.  I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but I tend to think that mind-altering drugs don't do any help for someone with disordered or distorted thinking, and they certainly don't help someone who is lacking in life skills (self-care, keeping a home, holding a job, maintaining relationships, etc.).  My stepdaughter experienced some episodes of paranoia and psychosis, which might have been made worse by marijuana, but they also coincided with moments of high stress.  I understand this is a typical feature of BPD.

What I've seen from my stepdaughter is that she had to hit "rock bottom" a couple of times in order to want to change and make her life better.  Then she started taking therapy more seriously.  The deal was, if she wanted her dad's help, she needed to do what the doctors ordered, or else she was on her own (though I sincerely doubt my husband would ever enforce that boundary).

After losing custody of some of her children and getting divorced, I would have thought that your daughter would be close to rock bottom and would be open to getting help.  She's the one who needs to want to get better.  I think you can support her if she wants to change for the better, but if you support her while she's dysfunctional, she doesn't have enough incentive to change; not even her own children seem to be incentive enough.  It's heartbreaking.  What's worse, helping someone maintain a miserable status quo, or withholding support from an uncooperative loved one who might sink deeper into a pit of despair?  The only hope is that she recognizes a need for change, and that she's willing to do the hard work to change, with your help.

[kells76]

Hi SED, I want to join with CC43 in welcoming you to the group.

It can be hard to figure out what's truly helpful (versus what's enabling) for an adult child with BPD, especially with kids involved.

A good place to start is with communication tools and skills. We have a section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder -- take a look there and let us know what resonates with you.

...

It must be so difficult to watch her spiral down, and to watch how that impacts her kids. You mention she has a job still; are her 3YO's in daycare or other care while she works?

When you've helped her in the past, how did she respond?

Has she ever threatened to stop letting you see the grandkids, if you didn't do something she wanted?

And are you in touch with any of the grandkids' dads?

-kells76