How do I manage an untie accusation from my adult daughter

[Caringmum]

My Adult daughter was diagnosed with BPD some years ago and this has meant we have a very up and down relationship.

Recently she has been very poorly and I have been very supportive over the last few months going to hospital appointments with her (it is a 5 hour round trip to do this for her and booking a day off work)to support her as well as daily calls to see how she is or her calling me over numerous upsets. I’ve been very poorly myself and have put this to one side to support her, often taking calls when I’m laid up in bed with illness. I never mentioned I was ill at these times and just listened and supported her.

 her recent diagnosis is the same as something I had about 15 years ago and I am having the same symptoms again and it’s currently under investigation. When her surgeon found out at her appointment he asked me a lot of questions and as a result thinks we have a genetic disorder that would change my daughters treatment and she’s been referred for more tests to diagnose this.

After the appointment we discussed this and  tried to show her how I understand what she is going through as I’ve had a similar experience and that I am currently feeling ill with the same symptoms. She seemed to appreciate the conversation and support at this time.

At the weekend we had a family get together and I told her brother about all of the discussion with the surgeon. I did mention the link with my illness and what the surgeon thought and that his sister was quite ill and will need an operation which could be quite complicated.

over the weekend I have waited on her hand and foot, made sure she was ok, checked she was up to doing family things.told her to sit down and rest when she didn’t look well.

Today before she went home she suddenly changed and said by telling her brother and mentioning that I was feeling unwell too that I had made it all about me, that all weekend I had never asked her how she was and that I’d continually talked about my illness and made the weekend all about my illness which compared to hers was nothing.


I apologised that she felt that I had done that and that was not my intention at all but she stormed out saying that isn’t an apology and she could no longer deal with me.


I messaged her after she left saying I hope she got home safe and on reflection I understood why it seemed I’d made it about me as I had mentioned that I had the same symptoms and I was sorry

I also said I did understand how painful and exhausting it was to have this condition and I was only trying to show her that I did understand. I had thought my actions of looking after her over the weekend showed her how much I cared but on reflection understood I should have asked her more about how she was and I was sorry I hadn’t.

I told her that I did care and understood how poorly she is and often put my own illness to one side to make sure she is ok and to support her. I was only telling her this to show her how much I cared.

With regard to me talking about being ill I disagreed with . I had only mentioned it to her brother in the conversation about her an and what the surgeon said. other than that I had said nothing.  My husband and my daughter were the only two who knew I was unwell and in pain.i explained to her that me being ill and talking about it does not mean I do not understand how ill she is and I am allowed to be ill at the same time.

My daughter’s response was I am home but you don’t deserve to know. You say you care but you obviously don’t because you let me leave knowing I was having a BPD episode,

Your message is not an apology it’s just excuses of why it’s ok to behave the way you do. my illness is far more complicated than yours so stop telling me you understand. It is dismissive when I’m  telling how I am feeling for you say you know and almost make it into who has it worse. You are so selfish and have shown little understanding that your daughter has a severe disability and I want a mum who shows she understands how hard my life is instead of making it all about her.

I am so upset. For 10 months I have  supported my daughter in her diagnosis without her even knowing I’ve been ill the last 8 months. I never mentioned it until she got diagnosed with the same illness and although there are differences I can empathise with how difficult and painful it is until operated on.
The genetic condition the surgeon thinks we may have also explains my symptoms have returned. Without this conversation the surgeon would not have recognised the probability of us having this and therefore my daughter wouldn’t get the right treatment and her symptoms could return like mine has.
I’ve looked after her all weekend, even though I’ve felt very ill myself, never mentioned I was ill to wider  family other than a private conversation with my son and made sure I am there for her even though I’m in lots of pain and feel exhausted yet I am the selfish one!!

I just don’t know how to respond. I hate that she thinks this about me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sasha77]

Hello,
Everything you have shared about what your daughter said sounds, unfortunately, very typical of bpd. I have been told countless times that I make things all about me and that I don’t care, get blamed for anything and everything.
What I was thinking you might say is just that you are sorry to hear she has been hurting and you are here if she needs you. Unfortunately there is not much else you can do.
My biggest advice to you, however, is to do some self-care and to take care of yourself! You deserve to feel better, too!
You are definitely not alone, and this isn’t your fault!
Take care!
Sasha

[Titch]

Hi Caringmum

I’m sorry that you are unwell and you must focus on you now. Nothing you will ever do or say will be good enough for your BPD daughter. Walking on eggshells is exhausting and will certainly make your health worse.
Reading your story is like reading so many of our stories and it’s because we are caring mums we feel so much pain and look to these sites for support.
You are doing nothing wrong and you can’t change how she sees and hears things.  Try and step back, take some breaths and focus on what you need. Take care.

[Sancho]

Hi Caringmum
You have brought up something about BPD that took me a long time to understand as part of this illness.

I used to wonder if my dd was on the autism spectrum because of this same behaviour. As soon as I mentioned something about myself, I was accused of it being all about 'me'.

I don't talk much about myself, but I used to in two instances: one was as in your example ie as a way of helping dd know that I did understand what she was going through: the other times were when I was trying to see if she had some sympathy or empathy for me.

In every instance the result was the same. DD either ignored my statements and started talking about herself or accused me of 'making it all about you'.

It was so confusing! Then I realised any talk of me not being 100% was a major trigger of anxiety which then triggered anger. There is something I think to do with BPD in which the major support person becomes part of their identity and dependence. I am not sure how to explain it well, but it is an extraordinarily complex relationship.

It can be very hurtful when there doesn't seem to be any ability to empathize with you, especially when you give so much and there is nothing much coming back to you.

I came to understand this is part of a very serious, complex mental illness. I gradually let go of expectations and try to care for myself, look to others for support for myself and do the best I can to understand and support my dd.

I hope you are able to find comfort in knowing it is part of this illness.

[Sasha77]

Sancho,
That makes a lot of sense! I always wondered why my dd would seem annoyed if I were sick!