I am a mess...

[27yrsalone]

I live with my soon to be former romantic partner with BPD.  Or perhaps it is rapid cycling bipolar or hypomanic or perhaps schizophrenic or post traumatic stress disorder or maybe just good old narcissist.

We have been a pair for 27 years.  I knew she was abused in her younger life, but have been told by at least one couples counselor that I should question whether that story is real.

I love her.  I have loved her for a long time.  The first time everything was all over was a month into the relationship. 

I let her bait me into fights where I would argue back and be accused of abuse.  Or have a plate whip by my head and throw it back in general direction.  I am not even a violent person.

I have been abused in front of my children.  But I always react in panic that I am going to lose her.  Even now, with every resource I have screaming run like hell and give her whatever it takes to get away - I am sitting here trying to decide whether or not to "tell her how I feel about it all". 

I am scared to death what happens when we are finally separated and all the money from selling off the house is gone and she comes back and says I don't know what is wrong with me - can't we just stay together.  As it is, I am probably going to pay alimony until I am retired and she expects "pain and suffering".  (lawyer said - there is no such thing in our state) 

I want to scream - but all i do is cry.

[ForeverDad]

It doesn't matter what her issue is, you know it is dysfunctional and unhealthy.  That's all that matters.  Be away that family court is unlikely to try to figure out her issues.  It doesn't try to fix the spouses.  It's just a part of the system to  referee the divorce and eventually get it done.  It deals with people the way they are.  Your lawyer probably told you that.  Accept it.  Follow that pattern.

She's had three decades to address her childhood issues.  She could have done it, at least sufficiently to enable her to contribute positively and consistently to the family, if only she had worked at it.  I assume she refused therapy in the past?  If so then she can only look to herself if she looks to cast blame.

If you feel you have sinned - or feel you are to be blamed - it wasn't so much sinning by aggressive commission but rather sinning by omission or not knowing how to deal with the chaos and discord.  Accept that BPD is a disorder that has intense Blaming, Blame Shifting and Denial.  That's hard enough for anyone to experience, let alone for 27 years.  We here in peer support have "been there, done that" and can empathize.

Have you read some of the pamphlets by retired psychologist Dr Joe Carver?  They're very insightful and enlightening.

• Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships
• Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships
• Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

https://drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

[ForeverDad]

While a lawyer is beneficial for the legal aspects of separation, in person counseling is immensely helpful.  Do you have a counselor?

If you're not married, are you in a state which would view your years together as though enabling lengthy alimony?  Have you considered moving elsewhere first?  I was reminded of a married member years ago who lived in one of the few states still ordering lifetime alimony for long marriages.  For some reason his court ordered him to pay alimony despite his spouse being rich but only left it as a separation.  Then he realized that if he moved to a less onerous state, established qualifying residency there, I think it was six months (he was so poor he lived in a trailer), then he could divorce there without unfair alimony.  He wrote there was a song, "All my exes live in Texas" sung by George Strait.  That's how he resolved his near-dive into permanent poverty.  Just saying.

[27yrsalone]

Thank you for the resource links.  Wow.  Early on I had read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and was working with a couples therapist to try to bring some balance into the situation.  I found a backbone for a while.

My weakness was the children.  I had this crazy idea that I would somehow be able to protect them from this.  Instead, all of them have issues.  I keep apologizing to them - but I can't take it away.  I console myself with - all I can do is be open and honest with them about my own behavior and not repeat it toward them.

I hate having to watch it.  They all want me to leave her.  They say they are tired of watching me in pain.

I still question if I wasn't the borderline or narcissist - I had fear of her abandoning me; I would lose my temper and say stupid things like I do this bad habit to cope with what she did; I was right with a wrong...  Therapists have told me that the key difference is that I was sitting there talking about stopping those immature reactions.

And I am sitting here dreading the day she says - I didn't mean it - lets stay together.  The thing bothering me is that I will feel flattered and won't be able to resist.  Scared to death that I will ignore my own financial well-being for hers.  I am 10 years closer to retirement than her.

My  state only counts the 24 years of marriage - but it should not be lifetime.  My lawyer says that part is in my favor and part in hers.  Sadly the two counties surrounding us, this would be a math equation.  So I probably need to go to a trial.  If I move, she will file immediately.  Right now she is trying to extort me to "avoid" embarrassing me.  My lawyer laughs and says they won't care.

[ForeverDad]

These days most courts are more interesting in being referees, they try to avoid taking sides, even when one parent is more problematic than the other.  Likely she will be the one obstructing and sabotaging things, you try to be the parent proposing practical solutions.  It may take a while for court to notice, but keep being the parent with solutions.

These days also alimony is viewed as assisting the financially disadvantaged parent to transition to post-marriage life.  In the past alimony was no more than half the length of the marriage, or until the recipient remarried.  I had been married for 15 years and our attorneys agreed for 2 months alimony for every year of marriage, far less than half.  Also, in my divorce my ex got child support during the divorce but no spousal support (alimony) until the final decree.

Every case can be different, judges are granted discretion in how a specific case is handled.

When things are this bad, it is wise to have your own home where you have exclusive time with the kids.  This better example - not having to appease or bend boundaries - is better for the kids.

Ponder this... .Your example trying to hold a dysfunctional and unhealthy marriage together with little more than spit, glue and determination was not a good example for the children.  Why?  The conflict was repeated and never resolved.  Even if you tried to find peace by appeasing, compliant and a muddy doormat, that was a bad example.  When your children grow up they will be inclined, whether consciously or unconsciously, to marry someone like dad or like mom.  Do you want them to marry, on one extreme, a dictatorial control freak or on the other extreme, an abject downtrodden appeaser?  Obviously not.  So separation, as bad as it seems, would likely be a positive for the children, they would see you setting reasonable but firm boundaries of proper behavior and expectations, they would see a good example, they would spend at least some of their youth in a stable home filled with love and peace rather than screaming and discord.

Ponder this too... .  Sometimes, you just can't keep the family together, not when the other parent is opposing you and sabotaging you.  The book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce, published 1986, was written to shed light on the decades-long misguided policies that presumed that the mother was always the better parent.  Page 195 had an interesting observation by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

[27yrsalone]

Thankfully, the kids are all grown.  I am looking at 1 year for every 3 married in my county.  She does not want to work, so she is pushing for the max they will award.  My lawyer says about 1/3 of the difference for that as well, she wants more like 42 percent.  Lawyer says at a trial at least one of the judges would figure her as working even if she doesn't.  She doesn't believe she is anything more than depressed.    There is a lot she doesn't understand.  She is hoping I will negotiate to that level, and doesn't want lawyers involved.  I am almost a decade older, so I have less time to rebuild what she will take from the 401k.

I won't do this without a lawyer.  She knows my weaknesses, so me negotiating is not a good idea.  Besides, I am still struggling with the idea of turning my back on her.  Long story, but pretty sure a lot of my staying with it was from watching my own father stay with my mother through her addiction and later cancer.  But I keep reminding myself - my mother followed up with her treatment.

I want to be strong - have been rebuilding my support network.  I reconnected with a therapist I had been seeing when we met.  I was surprised how many notes he kept (doubt he remembered it all - he is in his 70's)  And thank God for friends who didn't require a lot of contact as I became cut off.  They only recently found out - I pulled away because I was embarrassed.  She used to push me to hang out with them, then every time I did, I woke up the next day to a divorce discussion.  Usually because I didn't take the opportunity to tell them what a jerk I was.  I was supposed to have "confession" sessions with them about my reaction to her outbursts or my reaction to herding all the kids while she enjoyed herself on family outings.

[livednlearned]

Trying to piece together what's going on -- it sounds like she filed for divorce?

And she's done this before?

I'm wondering if she tends to do this around the holidays ... (not uncommon).

How old are the kids and what kind of relationship do they have with her?

While you sort out what you want to do, it might help to check out High-Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti. He brings dialectical behavioral skills to couples who get into reactivity cycles. Having some skills at your fingertips might help dial down some of the reactivity after she starts a fight.

[27yrsalone]

She has filed once.  She has insisted that I do it several times, but says she wants a dissolution. She is asking for a dissolution.  Claims it is because it will save money. 

Kids all grown and have varying degrees of issues with both of us.  They just don't want to watch me go through it anymore.

Therapist and other family and friends - want me to have a break from it. 

Thanks for the suggested reading.  Lots to read.

I realize that I can't fix her.  I realize that without her working on it, it won't go away.  I also love her. I know she did not intend for the disorder.to happen.   I also know I am worn out and risk never having peace and risk being able to retire.

[ForeverDad]

She has filed once.  She has insisted that I do it several times, but says she wants a dissolution. She is asking for a dissolution.  Claims it is because it will save money.

William Eddy's SPLITTING handbook, focused on high conflict risk divorces, recommends you get multiple legal consultations in order to (1) determine what the legal issues and ramifications are, (2) listen to the various approaches and strategies to choose from and (3) choose an experienced and proactive (not an aggressive) lawyer.

Have you read the book?  It's quite inexpensive and full of invaluable advice.  Have you quietly and confidentially sought some legal consultations so you're informed on differences between dissolution versus divorce, advantages versus disadvantages?

[27yrsalone]

I have ordered the book and will read it.  I have always felt she would like to play the victim, to gain sympathy.  I have sought legal advice.  Currently with the lawyer who had recommended I NOT withdraw my counter suit last time.  He said this pattern is not uncommon with mental health involvement.

In hindsight, I agree.  But I do worry she has worse issues than just bpd.  But I can't cure her.

[27yrsalone]

So, over the weekend she confides that she is having strange issues like she did a couple years ago when she was having delusions.  Hearing things, remembering texts with people that don't exist, hearing messages in songs.  Or she is messing with me.  Made me promise I would be person to call the crisis unit if she loses control, not one of the kids.  Says I am only person she can rely on.  Then an hour later says she won't talk to me about it and is reaching out to others for help.  I suggested seeing the psychiatrist now, not once it gets out of control.  Last time, she was calling police telling them I was poisoning her. 

She knows another psychotic episode is a fear of mine.  She also knows I won't file if she is in hospital.  But she claims she wants the divorce/dissolution.

I feel like I am being played.