Christmas Anxiety

[Hopeless419]

My husband and I have been married for just over 3.5 years. He has 2 daughters (32 & 28). 28 year old is BPD. This is something we just learned in the last year. She and I were close before I married her dad. Two months after our wedding I experienced my first episode with her not understanding what was going on. Her mom, dad and sister have always known something was off but no one has ever invested time into figuring out what it is. I’m actually the one who reached out to her therapist who clued me in. When she had her episode 3 years ago she more or less wrote me out of her life and marked me as being a bad person. She recruited her mom to be on her side which caused more drama. Her sister lives 3 hours away and for the most part stays out of the drama. Before we married she lived with my husband who fully supported her at 24/25 years of age. I figure our marrying and him moving out was a big trigger for her and left her lonely and me to blame. She had convinced her dad when he moved that she needed to remain in his home and  for him to pay for the house, all bills, help with groceries, gas, insurance, auto maintenance and a $1,000 a month allowance in addition to her paychecks. Once I learned of all this and helped him to see how he was being used and holding her back he tried to make adjustments by reducing her allowance to $750. That only made things worse. Fast forward to November of 2022 he had an agreement with her that she would have to move out by April 2023 and we would sell the house. We began to go over to the house to work on cleaning (it was filthy) and updating the house so it would be ready to list by the first of the year. This caused a blow up. She and mom accused us of kicking her out and being insensitive. It got so bad my husband told her she needed to move out in December and go stay with her mom. She got mad and moved out immediately. Now been at moms for over a year. Lots of blame pointed my direction. Mom and sister both scolded my husband who just took it. Christmas came around and his daughters came over but it was very awkward. I basically stayed quiet. That was the last time I saw the oldest. Her birthday was in the June and she asked her dad to come visit but not to bring me. The BPD daughter I saw back in May when she graduated from school. She lives less than 7 miles from us. My husband will go have lunch with her about once a month because daughter #1 has urged him to do so without me. #1 will come thru town and have lunch with dad occasionally. My son, 18, who lives with us has not seen #1 step sister in a year and a half and #2 in 7 months. My husband and his daughters have their own group conversation about when they are free to get together for Christmas and don’t include me or my son. My son didn’t get to be apart this last year because he was working when they decided to do it. So, I’ve told my husband I would like to pass on being there this year. I’ve done my part and spent hundreds of dollars on gifts for them. Told my husband I would even make a nice home cooked dinner for them all and just make sure to be gone before they came. I feel bad for wanting this but when people spend 364 days a year avoiding you how are you supposed to just pretend that one day out of the year all is well? My husband was upset at first. He even went so far as to make the same accusations that his ex and the BPD daughter have and said he can’t have a relationship with his girls with me. Said I create an unwelcoming environment for them that makes them not want to come over. Broke my heart cause I’ve always expressed how important family is to me. Always tried to celebrate them on their birthdays until this past year when I was excluded. I also realize the last 3.5 years have been very emotionally abusive and not really my fault, I’m just the easiest target to blame. He did apologize for saying that and said it was just out of anger but I can’t help but wonder too if it’s not his true feelings he just keeps bottled up. Am I a bad person for wanting to let them just have their time?  It sucks being a part of a family that makes it pretty clear they don’t accept you or want you to really be around.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Hopeless419
I hope you can make your husband see that it is a 'win-win' situation.

Working in a blended family situation is hard enough (unless for the small percentage of families that get on well). Add BPD into the picture and - well what a breeding ground for triangulation!

I hope I am putting this in a good way - we don't have to be 'all things to everyone'. Christmas is a time when BPD people struggle very much. The intense feelings of abandonment are triggered at the slightest thing.

I think it helps to see Christmas as a 'season' rather than a day. We celebrate with others during this season - from Christmas Eve or even before. We can separate our groups of gathering to enjoy our celebrations rather than open ourselves up to the inevitable tension and chaos.

You have made your contribution to your husband's children. See this as a gift. DH is responsible for relationship with his children - you are for your son and you both have responsibility to maintain your own relationship.

It can work well. Just one caveat - work with DH to make sure he understands BPD and how his dd is likely to try to turn him against you. If he can identify that pressure and let it all go past him, then this situation could work to benefit your personal relationship.

Just a few thoughts . . .

[Hopeless419]

Thank you Sancho for the kind words and advice. ♥️

[Sancho]

Hopeless419
I forgot to say to frame your stepping back in a very positive way (which I think it is) eg
- I'm happy that you can spend time with your daughters
- it's about opportunities to separate different relationships and to be able to focus on each one
- I am sure we will both be more relaxed not having to juggle our different loyalties etc

I feel sure you will be the target of blame no matter what you do but as long as you and your husband understand that is the case, you can move forward.