Single mom withBPD suspected 17yo daughter .

[Parents! Get help here!]

  I’m exhausted.  Held hostage in my own house by a kid who thrives in chaos, spews vitriol in my direction, and blames me for everything.  For nearly 10 years we’ve been on the mental health roller coaster, starting with ADHD and LD diagnosis, then self-harm, residential therapy, Anxiety and PANS diagnosis.  Now BPD prognosis is suspected however they won’t do that until she’s 18.  I feel alone and need support.  Happy to have found this site.

[SimplyKate]

  I’m exhausted.  Held hostage in my own house by a kid who thrives in chaos, spews vitriol in my direction, and blames me for everything.  For nearly 10 years we’ve been on the mental health roller coaster, starting with ADHD and LD diagnosis, then self-harm, residential therapy, Anxiety and PANS diagnosis.  Now BPD prognosis is suspected however they won’t do that until she’s 18.  I feel alone and need support.  Happy to have found this site.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi SimplyKate and welcome -- exhaustion just about sums it up.

Ten years is a long time to cope with BPD traits and behaviors.

You mention that she likely won't receive a diagnosis until she's 18; does that mean she currently has a treatment team? Is she compliant with appointments?

Does she go to school?

...

It can be hard to connect to other families about the difficulties that BPD brings to a family situation. It's not "normal range" stuff at all.

Let us know how we can keep being here for you;

kells76

[Sancho]

I'm happy you are here too Simplykate. BPD is a chaotic, exhausting journey and you can feel so alone on it. Coming here was a great relief - somewhere out in the world there are people who know what it's like, who are going though the same thing as I am!

It took me a long time to work a few important things out. Those teenage years are when things are so difficult and desperate - all our energy is sapped out of us. If you can do a few things it might help.

Re the verbal abuse: it took me a long time to realise not to engage. One day I told dd that when she was angry I was not going to answer because she needed time for her emotions to settle. Otherwise I was just making it worse for her and for me. I stuck to this and it has helped.

Mental space: I realised my mind was totally focused on dd - worry about her, thinking of things that might help etc. I am sure this made things worse because my dd could pick up that I was focused on her and it just increased her blaming of me. I make myself think of dd as a terrible housemate - this worked because it helped me separate my life from hers.

Physical space: I am not sure whether you or your dd have regular times apart eg school, work etc. It is really important I think. Even if you do have these times it can be important to have a place in your home or garden where you go for your 'time out' - I found that whenever I knew I was getting really tense I would 'time out' and go over the mantra 'I didn't cause this, I can't control it', 'I can't cure it'.

In other words a place where I could remind myself that I could let go of total responsibility.

It is difficult journeying with a BPD child because of cause we start of being totally responsible. When things get tough it is our responsibility to do all we can.

But when we have done all we can, we need to be able to focus on our own needs - at least some of the time!!

[Pook075]

I’m exhausted.  Held hostage in my own house by a kid who thrives in chaos, spews vitriol in my direction, and blames me for everything.  For nearly 10 years we’ve been on the mental health roller coaster, starting with ADHD and LD diagnosis, then self-harm, residential therapy, Anxiety and PANS diagnosis.  Now BPD prognosis is suspected however they won’t do that until she’s 18.  I feel alone and need support.  Happy to have found this site.

My kid was in a similar position and they wouldn't diagnose her until she was 18...which is both good and bad.  It's good because if this is just severe rebellion and not actually a mental illness, they don't want it on her chart for life.  But it's bad because treatment options are very limited and it delays real help when your kid needs it most. 

For me, 15 to 18 was the worst and it started tapering off some in her early 20's.  The BPD is still there full force, but maturing has helped and therapy eventually started making a huge difference.  The kicker is, therapy does nothing until someone is ready to change and willing to put in the work.  It's very hard for your kid to do that when the medical profession tells her that you must be 18 to have mental illness.

Keep your head up, this will improve in time.  For now, you have to focus on your communication skills to minimize the fallout from this.  Please ask any questions you may have and check out the sticky threads along the top of the page.  Knowledge is invaluable and I'm really glad you found us!

[SimplyKate]

Thanks for the responses, I truly appreciate the insight.  Right now I take things minute by minute as I don’t know the response I’ll get.  I have a good therapist, and my daughter is getting both individual and group DBT therapy. But there’s nothing to help in our relationship.
I just find the disconnect getting wider and wider to the point that I’m not sure what purpose I serve to her.  She does nothing to help around the house, won’t get up for school most of the time, and most of my attempts to communicate with her are met with f-bombs and name calling.  I’m trying to find something positive but I’m losing hope.   Is it naive of me to wish that one day she might show any kind of affection? 
I feel so pathetic writing this but I just don’t know what to do.

[Pook075]

Thanks for the responses, I truly appreciate the insight.  Right now I take things minute by minute as I don’t know the response I’ll get.  I have a good therapist, and my daughter is getting both individual and group DBT therapy. But there’s nothing to help in our relationship.
I just find the disconnect getting wider and wider to the point that I’m not sure what purpose I serve to her.  She does nothing to help around the house, won’t get up for school most of the time, and most of my attempts to communicate with her are met with f-bombs and name calling.  I’m trying to find something positive but I’m losing hope.   Is it naive of me to wish that one day she might show any kind of affection? 
I feel so pathetic writing this but I just don’t know what to do.

Hey Kate,

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm sort of scratching my head over all the therapy yet no practical advice to help you get through this.

Plain and simple, you need to stop walking on eggshells and simply taking abuse.  If your kid cusses at you, take her phone and ground her for a week...just like we'd do with any other kid.  If she escalates by threatening violence or running away, you call the police.  Likewise, there's chores to do around the house...make her do them or punish her accordingly.

What you're missing here, the big aha moment, is that your daughter controls the house because you allow her to.  She misbehaves, you withdraw, and this teaches her to be more bold in her demands.  She's mentally ill and can't help her outbursts at times, but she's 100% in control over how she treats people.  It is a choice to be nice or mean, to be humble or spoiled, and she's actively making those choices based on your behavior.

Now, your instincts may be to love her...love conquers all...but you can't love someone who's abusing you.  So stop accepting the abuse and set down concrete barriers in your home on how you're going to be treated.  Actions have consequences for all of us, and it's time you taught your daughter that once and for all.  Stand your ground and stop rewarding bad behavior.

I am amazed...bewildered even...that your therapist hasn't made this crystal clear to you.

[CC43]

Kate,

I can feel the desperation in your post.  I'm sorry your child's behavior seems to be getting worse and not better, as might be expected with therapy.  The thing is, for therapy to be successful, your child has to want to change and do the work, because therapy is basically work.

I'll share with you some of the behaviors of my stepdaughter who was diagnosed with BPD in her early 20s.  I note that her case is a bit different, because she did not have obvious issues as a pre-teen.  My stepdaughter's issues emerged during her last year(s) of high school and attempts to enter college.  But do any of the following sound familiar?  Sleeping most of the day away.  Refusing to eat meals with family.  Dropping out of school.  Losing all friends, even former "besties."  Zero contribution to the household.  Passive-aggressive behavior (e.g. blocking family members from texts/social media).  Pouty irritability.  Living like a slob; leaving messes for others to clean up.  Refusal to get a job.  Refusal to follow household rules.  Coming and going as she pleased, without telling her father where she was going or when she'd be coming back.  Huge tantrums when she didn't get what she wanted.   Inattention to personal hygiene.  Daily consumption of marijuana.  Viewing innocuous comments or questions as intrusive, offensive, condescending or bullying.  Blaming family members for her problems.  Twisting facts to make herself out to be a victim.  Lashing out in raging anger.  Accusing family members of abuse and trauma with wildly distorted story telling.  Out-of-control emotional responses to seemingly minor happenings or disappointments.  Ruining holidays.  Refusal to participate in family events or outings. Smartphone seemingly glued to her hand.  Suicidal thoughts and gestures.  Suicide attempts.  Extreme neediness and high expectations of others without giving anything in return.  Resenting being so dependent on others.

During these years, I hated living in a "dorm" with a petulant, nasty roommate, basically an oversized, entitled brat with a very negative attitude.  And I hated thinking of her that way!  It was terrible seeing her so miserable and squandering her many talents!  But any attempts at having a cordial relationship were futile.  I'd ask her how she was today, and she'd scowl.  I'd ask her what she'd like for dinner, or if she wanted to go to a store with me to pick out something special for her, and I'd get an "I don't know," if I was lucky--mostly she would walk away when I addressed her.  Avoidance was her specialty.  She was "checked out" of life and miserable, and she did her best to make her "roommates" miserable right along with her.  She basically had worse behavior and fewer responsibilities than a preschooler.

I thought my husband enabled this behavior for far too long.  He just couldn't bear to enforce any rules, because he didn't want her to hate him.  And boy, she would let him know how much she hated him already!  Because in her opinion, her parents and siblings were the reasons for all her problems!  Though my husband was kind to her, and he provided for her, and he forgave her over and over again for nasty or inappropriate behavior, she wanted "retribution" for perceived past wrongs.  So she would lash out with vicious venom.  He was hurt by her words and accusations.  He broke down a couple of times, but not in her presence.  It is devastating to see one's child self-destruct and be so hateful towards her extended family.
   
The situation was untenable.  The turning point was a serious suicide attempt.  By then we knew the drill:  take her to the hospital, where she would remain for a few days until stabilized, followed by residential therapy.  By this point, my stepdaughter realized that she had to change.  It was her choice to make.

But I wonder, was it really necessary to enable this behavior for so long?  For years?  My stepdaughter has spent over a third of her lifetime absolutely miserable and behaving in a dysfunctional way, destroying the relationships she once cherished.  Why did my husband let her stay up all night and sleep all day?  Why did he let her consume marijuana, when it was obvious it was harming her?  If she were my child, I'd enforce much stricter boundaries.  For starters, I would shut off internet/TV/wi-fi at night, so that my stepdaughter wouldn't be entertained in her bedroom during normal sleeping hours.  If she were my child, I'd probably say that nobody is allowed inside the house from 9 to 5 during weekdays, because during that time, every member of the household has to be doing some combination of working, studying and/or volunteering.  If they can't do that, then they can go the library to learn something new.  And everyone has to complete household chores, because it's expected; all family members have to contribute in a positive way.  Smartphones are a privilege that everyone has to pay for herself.  In my household, there would be no marijuana or illegal drugs allowed on the premises.  Since my stepdaughter is an adult, if she didn't like those house rules, she would be free to choose to live somewhere else.  But I imagine that the rules at a homeless shelter would be much the same.

I understand that BPD can be different for different people.  I'm just sharing with you my story to caution you about enabling self-destructive behavior for too long.  The good news is that my stepdaughter has been doing better with therapy, and she's less dysfunctional now.  She has repaired the relationship with her father but not her mother.  She still has her ups and downs, and she remains unemployed.  So it's a long and complicated journey.

[livednlearned]

Hi SimplyKate,

Exhaustion seems to be a side effect of loving someone with BPD  

I’m exhausted.  Held hostage in my own house by a kid who thrives in chaos, spews vitriol in my direction, and blames me for everything.  For nearly 10 years we’ve been on the mental health roller coaster, starting with ADHD and LD diagnosis, then self-harm, residential therapy, Anxiety and PANS diagnosis.  Now BPD prognosis is suspected however they won’t do that until she’s 18.  I feel alone and need support.  Happy to have found this site.

How old is your daughter?

Did you see any improvements following any of the interventions (residential therapies, etc.)?

Do you have other kids? It's tough being a single parent and doubly so when you have a special needs child.

I hold out hope that things will get better although better might not necessarily look like what you imagined for her when she was little.

She has a lot going on and it will take time to get a handle on herself. It can a long time for us, too, to change the way we engage.

A book I found helpful when my stepdaughter (now 26) was living with us was Buddha and the Borderline, a really well-written memoir that helped me feel compassion. Oddly, that compassion gave me some perspective and strength. The other book was Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, which has a lot of helpful information and advice. It's the book that the NEA-BPD Family Connections program referenced.

The two books together kind of helped me thread the needle between empathy and boundaries. Some of the fury can come from the rage of experiencing no boundaries. The challenge is figuring out what boundaries you have real control over. For example, you can't stop your daughter from swearing at you but you can walk away when she swears at you.

I underestimated how much work it would take to identify the boundaries I could control and then fine tune each of them until my stepdaughter looked around and realized the ship turned and she didn't even realize it.

Tiny little changes.