New member - facing a difficult situation

[4dognight]

Hello all -
This looks like a great resource as we are navigating our next steps with our trans daughter. She was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder until 2021, after 7 police interactions and 4 hospitalizations. We allowed her to move back home with house rules, including having a part time job and seeing a psychiatrist/taking medication.

As happens so often for people struggling with this, she got off track from meds in May, quit her job in June, and has been steadily spiraling downwards. We have had to call the police several times due to her rages and behaviors. A caseworker was assigned and although she doesn’t have a formal diagnosis, her expressions and way of being all point to a Co-morbidity of BPD.

She has become resistant to any kind of help. We have made it clear that for her to live free at home, she needs to be working toward mental health healing in the ways we listed. However, she views our interactions as bullying and abusive. We admit to enabling her (paying for apartment, insurance, etc) and wish we could have been stronger sooner, but at 31 years old, we have made the decision to evict her. We gave her a 60-day notice in November. She is unstable at best, an alcoholic and weed addict.

This will essentially render her homeless, but we are so done with the disruption and feelings of being held hostage in our own home. My heart is breaking at the tragic and totally avoidable nature of this situation. Has anyone experienced a situation like this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[4dognight]

Corrected title! Not sure how to edit after posting.

Thanks for any input on this challenging and emotional phase we are heading into.

[holdingontohope]

Hello, I am new, too--just posted about my 32 year old son.  We evicted him years ago when he was 21, I believe.  We were going to give him 30 days notice, but he threw a kitchen chair across the kitchen in a rage, and my husband (his step dad) called the police.  The police had my son leave that night.  We never let him live at home again.

It has been SO hard, and he holds it against us that we did that "to" him.  But, the reason we were evicting him in the first place was due to his behavior (drinking, smoking pot, not following house rules, arguing, fighting, etc). At the time, we had two younger boys (his step brothers) who we did NOT want around all of this drama and fighting.  Even after he was evicted that night, we offered to help him find other places, but he said no to anything we found.  Mostly because the places we found said "roommate wanted/no partying" or something along those lines. People who wanted DECENT roommates without trouble and drama.  He REFUSED but still holds it against us that we wouldn't let him come and live at home.  Visits with him are hard enough, and overnights turn into days with him not leaving.  He is a "boundary bully" and I know wants to stay to feel like part of the family, but he just overstays and all of the behaviors come back quickly when we spend longer periods of time together.  He gets SO mad when we say we just want short visits, and takes is personally and as rejection.  He has Borderline Personality Disorder, and rejection is a trigger for him.

We are at a point where we are going minimal/no contact with him, and it is HARD.  He has somewhat "written us off" at this point, so it is a little "easier" that he is initiating the distance, somewhat, but we are not refusing it.  And, we have said he cannot come home if he is going to drink here, not even for a short visit at this point.  He says we don't accept him for who he is, but I said we are not stopping him from drinking or smoking pot (although we wish he would get treatment for his addictions), but that we just don't want him doing those things here.  He SHOULD be able to come here for an hour or two without doing those things, but he thinks our boundary is COMPLETELY unfair and unjust.  He is SO angry, and is stuck in all of the bad situations of the past.  This new boundary has put him in a spiral of anger and rejection, yet he is taking NO accountability for his actions that have led up to this or any other situation he has ever found himself in.

I am so sorry for your situation, and I don't have the answers, but want you to know you are NOT alone, and that you are doing the right thing.  We need to set boundaries for our lives, and it is time we get to LIVE them.  They can live their lives, too, and create them to be anything they want them to be--if only they could see this.  But, enabling them one second longer will not EVER make the situation better.  You are very kind for giving your daughter 60 days. 

There is a book I would suggest if you have not read it. It has given me the courage and strength to stick to my boundaries this time, and to stop enabling my son.  It is called "Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children," by Allison Bottke.  I read it in one afternoon, I think!  Just devoured it, felt like she really got what I was going through.  Another good book is "Boundary Boss," by Terri Cole.  Terri also has videos on YouTube which are VERY helpful.  I have felt so empowered recently after finding these two resources.

Hope that helps just a little, and please know you are NOT alone.  I feel your pain, have been there, and AM there just in a little different way.  My son does live with a roommate right now in his own apartment, but I am afraid his roommate may soon say enough is enough, and my son will be looking for a place to stay.  Just as we told him 12-13 years ago, he CANNOT LIVE AT HOME with us.  I pray that day never comes, and I hope things turn out differently for him, and that he can at least keep living where he is.  His part time job does not pay enough to pay the rent (yet somehow he can buy pot and alcohol), so not sure how much longer his roommate will put up with him.  But, you know, it is now our job to worry about that, it should be HIS, just as it should be your daughter's to worry about finding a place to live.  It should NOT be your worry/concern. 

Good luck, and write anytime.  And if you get a chance, look for those books (I got mine from Amazon). They were literally life changing for me, and helped me to see my situation TRULY for what it is. Hang in there...

[4dognight]

Hope, literally crying here.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It truly helps to know how others have walked this path. I’ve been so appreciative of reading the other threads as well.

Grateful to have found this forum resource and support. I will check out those books!   
4dog

[livednlearned]

She views your actions as bullying as abusive ... this sounds like a projection of her own behaviors. 

Have you had to move her out before? I would imagine some bumps in the road are unavoidable as the deadline for eviction comes close.

Sometimes setting boundaries is more about managing our own wooly emotions. It's not easy to navigate boundaries like this, especially when they're children who do have some degree of need.

Over the years different members have arrived at different solutions. It sort of depends on what you feel is manageable, how dangerous your daughter has or can be, etc.

Is there a date set for move out, and do you plan to help?