Update: Struggles, conflicts and discoveries

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It’s been a long time since I last posted. My life has been kind of chaotic lately.

This fall, my beloved grandmother fell and broke her hip. Three weeks later, she tried to get out of bed, fell again and broke a vertebra in her back. Late last week, my father signed the paperwork for Comfort Care (her facility’s name for hospice). It could be days, could be weeks. She’s 93 and her cognitive abilities have been slipping sharply the last year. She’s ready to go, which, in a way, makes it easier. She hasn’t been “her” in a while. But it’s still hard. She was always my best friend, confidante and cheerleader. I’ve lost that. Also, she never wanted to have to be in the medical unit, so I hate that she ended up there.

My uBPDh has been difficult lately. He’s struggling with parenting, with his job and with lingering trauma from his father’s suicide 12 years ago

He’s been more moody and troubled, lashing out, being very passive-aggressive and “off.” He hasn’t gotten to the level of five years ago, when things were really bad, but it’s been two months since he’s been able to go a week without an incident.

Part of the problem: I believe he’s been drinking. Months ago, I asked him to not keep it in the house and, if he does it, to let me know. That way we could have some idea if it played a role in his dysregulations or not.

Last week, I found a soft drink bottle full of wine hidden behind some books. He said he’s had it for months. He moves it around to remind himself not to drink and his T recommended it. (Seemed odd to me, but I didn’t push back.) Two days later, his thermos was on the dog food container and felt full. I went to pour it out and the smell hit me. I asked him about it. He acted confused, smelled, sipped, then said “that’s not wine.” Went on to lie more about where it came from. Eventually, he said it was from a bottle in an old hiding place and he was getting rid of it. Ok. Why pour it into his coffee thermos instead of the sink or just tossing it in the trash?

So, I’m back to not knowing what’s going on. I feel unmoored, stressed, occasionally numb. I bought a book on alcoholism and another on codependency, as well as joined a support forum for loved ones of addicts (if that’s what’s going on).

Is it alcoholism? BPD? Both? I don’t know. Not sure at this point how much it really matters. Either way, I can’t control him or what he does. All I can do is try to solidify and hold my boundaries.

[Ozzie101]

It’s been a long time since I last posted. My life has been kind of chaotic lately.

This fall, my beloved grandmother fell and broke her hip. Three weeks later, she tried to get out of bed, fell again and broke a vertebra in her back. Late last week, my father signed the paperwork for Comfort Care (her facility’s name for hospice). It could be days, could be weeks. She’s 93 and her cognitive abilities have been slipping sharply the last year. She’s ready to go, which, in a way, makes it easier. She hasn’t been “her” in a while. But it’s still hard. She was always my best friend, confidante and cheerleader. I’ve lost that. Also, she never wanted to have to be in the medical unit, so I hate that she ended up there.

My uBPDh has been difficult lately. He’s struggling with parenting, with his job and with lingering trauma from his father’s suicide 12 years ago

He’s been more moody and troubled, lashing out, being very passive-aggressive and “off.” He hasn’t gotten to the level of five years ago, when things were really bad, but it’s been two months since he’s been able to go a week without an incident.

Part of the problem: I believe he’s been drinking. Months ago, I asked him to not keep it in the house and, if he does it, to let me know. That way we could have some idea if it played a role in his dysregulations or not.

Last week, I found a soft drink bottle full of wine hidden behind some books. He said he’s had it for months. He moves it around to remind himself not to drink and his T recommended it. (Seemed odd to me, but I didn’t push back.) Two days later, his thermos was on the dog food container and felt full. I went to pour it out and the smell hit me. I asked him about it. He acted confused, smelled, sipped, then said “that’s not wine.” Went on to lie more about where it came from. Eventually, he said it was from a bottle in an old hiding place and he was getting rid of it. Ok. Why pour it into his coffee thermos instead of the sink or just tossing it in the trash?

So, I’m back to not knowing what’s going on. I feel unmoored, stressed, occasionally numb. I bought a book on alcoholism and another on codependency, as well as joined a support forum for loved ones of addicts (if that’s what’s going on).

Is it alcoholism? BPD? Both? I don’t know. Not sure at this point how much it really matters. Either way, I can’t control him or what he does. All I can do is try to solidify and hold my boundaries.

[livednlearned]

Booze and BPD is tricky.

An addict once said that all addicts lie.

I think they can also be quite creative. I found the stash of mini vodka bottles in the toilet tank to be next level.  He would drink alcohol from a "real" bottle and it seemed he was drinking responsibly. But then there were hidden bottles all over the place. He once told me he didn't like walking back to the kitchen to get a drink. 

Like you said, there's not much you can do about his drinking.

What are some of the boundaries you have for his behaviors?

[Ozzie101]

That’s what I need to figure out. The thing is, at this point, I worry if I’m overreacting or if I’m really the problem. Today he came home from running errands and seemed a little off. (Apparently his boss didn’t give him a Christmas gift and despite going to three stores, he couldn’t find any eggnog. He was frustrated. But he kept talking about it over and over.) When he’s like that I often pull back. He asked if he had done something wrong. Said I seemed off when he got back. Similar language I’ve used in the past.

It just leaves me wracking my brain. I was a little tired and stressed. Do I overreact to him like that too? I know I’ve never been the way he is when he’s really off.

All that to say, I don’t want to overreact. But I get tired of the stress and uncertainty.

I don’t want to leave, yet at the same time, I do.

H and SS13 were supposed to leave on a trip the morning after Christmas and I was looking forward to some time to myself to think. But with my grandmother on hospice and our big dog not fully well, now he’s talking about canceling and staying home. Kind of makes my heart sink. I was hoping to have that time.

[ForeverDad]

Don't overthink yourself.  Likely his perceptions of the moment have changed, nothing new, but don't blame yourself for his issues.

Too many of us have questioned ourselves, as in "What did I do this time?"  (And by now it's an unproductive habit.)  Maybe nothing.  Or at least very, very little.  Don't guilt yourself overmuch.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve shared my struggles when my husband drank. After I reported the extent of his drinking to his doctor, she confronted him, and gave him a choice: either he could have the pain meds and sleeping pills she was prescribing, or booze, but not both. He chose pills and immediately quit drinking, which was quite an accomplishment considering how much, and how regularly he drank.

He’s been sober 1.5 years and it’s been just over a year since he had his stroke. What I’ve observed during that time is that he is more emotionally stable. Yes, he still gets “off” moods at times, but perhaps due to the antidepressants he is on after his stroke, those moods are infrequent and short-lasting.

I’ll echo livednlearned about addicts lying. Even in retrospect when I’ve spoken to him about how much his drinking affected me, he merely talked about drinking “a little wine” when in reality it was at least a bottle or two every night, then in addition, hard liquor frequently—maybe three doubles, and lord knows how much he was imbibing from all the bottles of scotch hidden in his closets.

If you’re like me, rather naive about alcohol, it’s likely that you miss the signs of intoxication, especially if he hides it well. I remember my alcoholic uncle talking about how he preferred gin, since you can’t smell it on the breath as well as some other forms of alcohol.

Trust your instincts, not his words.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Near the end of my most recent BPD relationship (2 years ago) I found an empty plastic whiskey bottle under the couch. I barely mentioned it. "Hey I found a bottle under the couch - what's going on with that?" Because I certainly wasn't actively searching for clues or trying to "discover" her drinking habits.

She turned it around into "you're such an idiot - I've been hiding bottles for a LONG time and you're so stupid you haven't even noticed."

I then found another one in a dresser drawer without actively looking for it. And then several empty mini bottles in the car. I knew the drinking was certainly not helping the BPD behavior.

My first instinct was to think "I need to find ALL the bottles and confront her so I can put a stop to this."

Eventually (here and through therapy) I realized that we're both adults and I don't have an obligation to spend my days searching for bottles to stop her drinking. I can just choose to not be in the relationship.

There's a child involved, and it wasn't as simple as I make it seem here, but understanding the limits of my own responsibility helped.

[Ozzie101]

That’s what I’m working on now. I need to figure out how to just let go. He’s an adult. If he’s drinking and wants to continue, there’s nothing I can do about that. All I can do is make my own decisions.

I don’t necessarily want to control him. I do wish I really wish I knew if and how much he drinks, so I could know how much that impacts his behavior. But, ultimately, does that matter?

What I need to decide is whether or not I can live with the uncertainty and instability.

He’s out of town for the next several days and I’m taking that time to think and educate myself, thanks to a couple of books I bought (one on alcoholism, one on codependency). Things have been much better the last week — the first time in a while we’ve gone that long without an incident, even a minor one. But going by experience, I don’t really believe that streak will continue.

On a sad note, we had to have our sweet greyhound put to sleep on Christmas Eve morning— cancer. So far, he has handled it very well. Proper emotion, no dysregulation. He loves his dogs, so it could have been a massive trigger. That’s been a relief because it’s hard enough to grieve without also dealing with his added drama.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry about your doggie. 

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Cat. It was very sad, but I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore.

[livednlearned]

I do wish I really wish I knew if and how much he drinks, so I could know how much that impacts his behavior. But, ultimately, does that matter?

With my ex (n/BPD), I began to see that even a few sips of alcohol impaired him. Impairment can be just as devastating to a relationship when there's underlying mental illness. For example, his inhibition would diminish and his language and tone would shift. He would become more menacing and suspicious of others and their intentions.

You're able to talk to him about his drinking -- that's a positive. Did you two discuss his drinking previously? He seems to know he can't be caught drinking. What kind of discussions have you two had about his drinking in the past?

Is he anywhere near the anniversary of his father's suicide?

What I need to decide is whether or not I can live with the uncertainty and instability.

Can you say more what you mean about the uncertainty and instability?

On a sad note, we had to have our sweet greyhound put to sleep on Christmas Eve morning— cancer. So far, he has handled it very well. Proper emotion, no dysregulation. He loves his dogs, so it could have been a massive trigger. That’s been a relief because it’s hard enough to grieve without also dealing with his added drama.

That's really sad, I feel for you. We had to put our beloved dog down New Year's Day last year and it gutted us. It was cancer, too.

[Ozzie101]

In regards to his drinking, he has said before he’s afraid he has a problem — then will later deny it. I’ve told him I will not tell him to stop. He’s an adult. But I did ask that he tell me when he’s doing it. We have also talked about the impact on him and how it can really set him off. Does it always? No. But when taking drinks, he never knows what will happen.

He’s said he wants to be able to have a glass of wine and relax, but also acknowledges it tends to have the opposite effect on him.

No, we’re not near the anniversary. That’s in May.

As far as uncertainty and instability, I live day to day never knowing what will happen. Will he be calm? Or will something set him off and lead us to have a horrible night of him going on and on about some slight, ranting over and over. Sometimes, my having to just leave. Unless he’s next to me all day, I just don’t know. I feel my growing anxiety when he’s left and it’s close to time for him to return.

[SinisterComplex]

In regards to his drinking, he has said before he’s afraid he has a problem — then will later deny it. I’ve told him I will not tell him to stop. He’s an adult. But I did ask that he tell me when he’s doing it. We have also talked about the impact on him and how it can really set him off. Does it always? No. But when taking drinks, he never knows what will happen.

He’s said he wants to be able to have a glass of wine and relax, but also acknowledges it tends to have the opposite effect on him.

No, we’re not near the anniversary. That’s in May.

As far as uncertainty and instability, I live day to day never knowing what will happen. Will he be calm? Or will something set him off and lead us to have a horrible night of him going on and on about some slight, ranting over and over. Sometimes, my having to just leave. Unless he’s next to me all day, I just don’t know. I feel my growing anxiety when he’s left and it’s close to time for him to return.

Well Oz, I'll hit you with this question...do you want to live day to day never knowing what will happen? What do you think your instincts and intuition are telling you?

PS...truly sorry about the loss of your dog. Losing a pet is just as tough and hearbreaking as losing a friend or family member because your pets are essentially that...part of the family. 

Wish you the best moving forward. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Ozzie101]

That’s the million dollar question, SinisterComplex.

I don’t like uncertainty. And I believe I’m feeling the negative impacts physically and emotionally. Yet, I can’t quite seem to be able to truly cut the cord. I think there’s a big part of me that hopes he can straighten out and be the way he is when he’s stable.

But we’ve gone through this before. He gets scared I might leave. He works hard to “behave.” Things improve. Eventually something happens or he gets tired or complacent and we start over. It’s not that I don’t see it. It’s just that I feel like I can’t walk away. Though I know I can.

The thing is, if he has to work hard and make a lot of adjustments to be someone I can live with, is that fair? Or are we just two incompatible people?

At this point I don’t fully trust myself. Is he secretly drinking? Or is he telling the truth that he isn’t? Is he a problematic person prone to dysregulation? Or is there something about my personality and reactions that bring that out in him?

I honestly just feel tired and confused.

[livednlearned]

The thing is, if he has to work hard and make a lot of adjustments to be someone I can live with, is that fair? Or are we just two incompatible people?

In some ways, this is the codependent conundrum. It's not a walk in the park to discover who you are when you're not taking care of someone. So sometimes, having a problematic partner who keeps us perpetually in a state of (fill in the blank) can feel safe, even if the behaviors aren't emotionally safe, if that makes sense.

At this point I don’t fully trust myself. Is he secretly drinking? Or is he telling the truth that he isn’t? Is he a problematic person prone to dysregulation? Or is there something about my personality and reactions that bring that out in him?

It's probably more about the whole dynamic than any one thing. And in dysfunctional relationships the roles tend to be quite rigid. Changing your roe can be very problematic for both partners and the relationship often takes a big hit. A lot of us can't imagine our lives living outside these roles assigned to us, though. So we kind of chip away inside the same role, only changing until it becomes untenable.

A therapist once talked to me about repetition compulsion, the idea that we seek out partners who represent a problem we failed to solve in our family of origin and prior relationships, and hope to fix/rescue/save this time around.

It certainly seemed accurate to me that this was happening. I managed to marry a combination of two family members, the most difficult ones, and my partner came with a pretty serious addiction for good measure, all but guaranteeing I would fail to fix/rescue/save him either.

[Ozzie101]

H actually has a lot in common with one of my sisters. She was anorexic during our teen years and a nightmare to live with — dysregulations, yelling at our parents, emotional cruelty.

She got help and improved. But she’s had a resurgence of problems in recent years and had to go away for a month for treatment in a clinic. Not anorexia, but alcohol this time.

My brother-in-law (sweet, steady guy) has a difficult father.

So, there’s some truth in the recreating family of origin theory.

As the oldest child, I stepped in to take care of my younger sisters, who were in elementary and preschool, when that sister was acting up. It meant a lot to my parents at the time that they could count on me. But I know I developed a sense of meaning through being the dependable caretaker. When I needed to escape, I would go to my grandparents’ house. Generally, when she would go after me, I would just shut down and try to block it out. She generally left us sisters alone when our parents were around.

I was actually pretty happy living alone. I’m not afraid of that. I do love him and some aspects of our life together. Of course, I recognize that’s a common thing in dysfunctional relationships: but the good times are so good!

[Cat Familiar]

Something that has made my relationship tolerable (and at times, enjoyable) even prior to my husband’s stroke: distance.

After divorcing my ex, I lived alone for several years, dated a nice guy (but he wasn’t the one for me). When my current husband resurfaced in my life—we’d been part of a group of friends for many years. When I was married, he wasn’t, and then when I was divorced, he was married. There had always been a friendship (and a spark) but no opportunity.

And then, when I thought there could be a possibility, even though we lived far apart, and no longer were part of a cohesive group of friends, I thought he was the perfect guy for me…you know, the Prince Charming, the Rescuer, the fantasy that pwBPD spin—I fell hook, line, and sinker for it.

That said, even at the outset, when the picture perfect fantasy was still intact, I realized that no way could I live in the same house with him.

So when we added on to the little house I built after my divorce, we built him a 1000+ sq. foot mancave, and that was one of the best decisions I ever made…or maybe not. Had we lived together, rather than merely sharing kitchen, dining, and living room space, I would have gone out of my cotton picking mind very early on…and perhaps I’d have found an emotionally healthy man to pair up with instead. Unlikely.  

[Cat Familiar]

So rather than thinking of it as a dichotomous choice, perhaps there’s a way for you to have it all: enjoy the good parts and opt out of the challenging behavioral cycles.

Having space and more of my autonomy through our separate domiciles, which are only 50 feet apart, has been a blessing for both of us. I can have quiet, or listen to music I like. And he can watch as many football games as he chooses or listen to loud jam bands on his megawatt stereo and it doesn’t bother me. (Good windows and good insulation.)

Similarly, when he is in a *mood*, I can choose to pursue an interest, do yoga, entertain myself…and wait until black clouds and grey skies pass.

[Ozzie101]

One of the things my T and I have talked about is finding a way to get away when he’s in one of his moods. Haven’t been terribly successful yet. If we’re in the same house, he seems incapable of leaving me alone. He’ll eventually follow me. I don’t know if it’s his fear of abandonment or his need to have someone there to be his emotional garbage dump.

These episodes always start when we’re not together — either when he’s out at a meeting or running errands or when he’s upstairs in his office for an extended time. By the time I realize he’s tipped over, it’s too late.

I do have a go bag in the car, all ready. But I don’t want to leave my dog, which complicates things. And getting away is usually pretty dramatic/traumatic because he flips out. Anyway, there is a dog-friendly hotel where I could go for a night. I used to be able to go to my grandmother’s. She would be thrilled to have us and wouldn’t ask questions. That, of course, is no longer an option.