Hi. My ex-BF (both M, him 30s/me 40s) is uBPD, fits the diagnostic criteria closely but nowhere near even going for help. We dated for a few years and have been broken up a few, but remained friends, despite many difficulties. He is prone to very destructive rages and classic splitting, etc, cycling, etc. He has been violent towards me in the past but I got past that. He is also very vulnerable mentally and needs a lot of help because of financial issues, severe dyslexia. As you can imagine, this is a thankless task, and every good deed gets punished. Over the last year, I have distanced myself a lot using Medium Chill, BIFF, etc, and generally seen him less, thought about him less, actually felt I was getting over the whole thing.
But in the last few weeks, he has had some kind of psychotic episode, with a delusion of skin parasites (confirmed as psychological - he denies) and suicide ideation. My father struggled with suicide ideation, and my ex knows and exploits this trauma to get responses from me. In the last few weeks, I have kept up parts of Medium Chill (don''t care what he thinks of me, tell him nothing) but have been drawn very much back into the drama. After lots of help, hours of listening to him on the phone, and some money, he turns on because I will not leave my elderly mother on Christmas Day to travel to see him because he has a headache. Days of abusive texts follow.
All this is old news, I have seen/heard it all before. In the New Year, I want to get back on the MC horse and distance myself again. But i also want to become better at resisting his demands, and being able to say no to him more clearly. What i really struggle with is:
1. When he suddenly splits me white again, and I am the best person in the world, I really struggle with refusing to meet up with him. Partly it's not wanting to hurt him, but partly it's saving myself from another, inevitable explosion, and a tendency in myself to people-please (see below). I never seem to build up an arsenal of stock phrases to put him off (or get to the stage of just letting him explode), end up meeting him eventually. Actually, when we meet, he is often very nice. He is usually most awful by text or phone. In the coming year, I want to just be less involved with him. I don't want go go complete NC (although would be fine if he wanted it - I really don't care any more) but I also don't want any more drama than absolutely necessary. He often threatens to turn up at my apartment block and make a scene if I don't do what I want - I am in the UK, so obviously mortified any kind of scene
!
2. He is trying to start up a business and has a (fairly toxic) legal case going on, not directly related to his BPD. He is severely dyslexic and English is not his first language, so I have dropped into the role of helping him with writing documents. (To make it worse, I am a professional writer, so it's literally my job and I can't say, I am not good at this...) At times, he has taken up days of my time with this, and is furiously demanding about it, totally rude and ungrateful until the end when ofc I am the best person in the world and nobody else could do this. I would like to be less obviously his go-to person, but also be able to say that I am not available or i don't want to help him this time. I am awful at doing that!
I recognise that there is a degree of co-dependency and enabling going on my end. I was raised by two parents with fairly strong narcissistic traits and my brother and I have separately noted our desire to please and downplay our own needs in situations. (My brother was also married to someone who had strong but quieter BPD traits, so go figure.) But I would love to hear any advice at all - tough love is fine! - on how to deal with the situations outlined above.
Thanks very much
