I Want Out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been w/ my untreated bpd alcoholic (fiancee) for several years now. I want to leave and start fresh. The holidays are over, it's the beginning of a New Year, but my heart is really struggling to let her go. My head and my gut tell me to run but I'm such a softy. Does anyone have a story to share about leaving an unhealthy relationship and how it all turned out?

Thank you,
Goodpal

[Goodpal]

I've been w/ my untreated bpd alcoholic (fiancee) for several years now. I want to leave and start fresh. The holidays are over, it's the beginning of a New Year, but my heart is really struggling to let her go. My head and my gut tell me to run but I'm such a softy. Does anyone have a story to share about leaving an unhealthy relationship and how it all turned out?

Thank you,
Goodpal

[Juantelamela]

Hey Goodpal, Welcome.

I'll give you a bit of my experience. I spent almost 4 years with my ex who wasn't diagnosed until year 3 of the relationship. Before the relationship she had struggled with substance abuse and soon followed my lead with alcohol problems when we started dating. It started off as amazing and fun as a lot of others here have described the beginning of the relationship, and I never felt more loved.

My ex was very insecure and possessive to the point where we spent almost every day together and even suggesting that I didn't want to hang out and just do my own thing playing video games or watch TV made her suspicious that I was being unfaithful in some way. We moved in together within the first year and were basically inseparable. I was able to handle the small arguments brought up by her insecure thoughts and constantly reassuring her of my love for her for the majority of our time together. What I didn't realize until after it was over was that all the constant reassurances and defending my position in the relationship was sapping me of my energy.

Those small arguments continued on a consistent basis, while she would also begin to display more signs that she didn't trust me. Things like going through my phone and getting upset when I would send texts to female coworkers(the texts were either work related or general 'happy holiday' texts). She would track my location whenever I visited my family and question any stops I'd make that wasn't their house(like picking up pizza or going to the grocery store). I had even caught her setting up her phone camera to record my actions while she got up to go to the bathroom. She combed through my social media friends(specifically the females she felt threatened by) and questioned me about them all, even if they were cousins she had personally met before.  Despite doing ALL of those things, she insisted that she trusted me and didn't think I was being unfaithful.

I was emotionally beaten down by that point, so much so that I would just sit in my car at my works parking lot for an additional 20-30 minutes just to have ANY time for myself and to delay the inevitable task of needing to get her through whatever paranoid or insecure thoughts she was having about herself. She initiated the final fight, waking me up in the middle of the night because she was feeling anxious and didn't know why. I begged for her to stop, to let me sleep because of work the next day. I even had to threaten that I'd go sleep on the couch if she didn't stop(she had this weird thing about not being able to sleep unless I was in bed with her). That next morning she apologized as if it wasn't a big deal and sId she just wanted to get on with the day and not let the fight bother her. But it bothered me, and I spent the entire day in my own head knowing deep within my gut that I couldn't continue on the way things were going. I ended things with her the following morning and moved back home with family.

That's a little summary of what I went through. I left out some things like how I communicated how unhealthy the fighting was becoming, or how I tried numerous times to stop drinking in hopes she'd follow my lead so we could both be better and healthier. But almost a year before I finally ended things, I was having that gut feeling that the relationship wasn't right for me. It's hard, because I do still love her even after 8 months of not being with her. I didn't want to break up with her, but the hurt she was causing me finally exceeded the love I held for her. I had spent the entire relationship making choices to keep her feeling safe, secure, and loved where I ended up neglecting myself. Breaking up with her was the first REAL choice I made for my own well-being in almost 4 years, and even though it hurt like hell, it was the right choice.

I'd love to hear more about your experience and what is giving you that gut feeling if you'd like to share. I can tell you that I don't regret ending things, and even though I'm not currently happy, I am in a better place and healing. I wish you luck on whatever you decide.

[Goodpal]

Wow! Your story is so similar to mine it is crazy! I started my relationship a few years ago when I was going through an extremely difficult life change. My p w/ BPD popped into my life and we began a whirlwind romance like something out of a movie. I always knew in the back of my head it wouldn't be a good idea to stay forever though because we were both abusing alcohol. I also wasn't comfortable with how she interacted with other people including her own child (lots of anger and nasty vulgar language).

I broke up w/ her a few times because of this but like a drug I couldn't resist going back. We then lived together for a few months which was hell. I could never have any time alone. She would always get angry and nasty at me making me feel guilty for needing to get some work done in the morning or wanting to go to bed early. I didn't mind having a few drinks w/ her on the weekends but she wanted to do this every night! I was so burned out by the time she moved out. it was getting really bad and I was beginning to say mean things to here when we were drinking. Very passive aggressive. The crazy thing about this was I told her I should probably stop drinking but she was AGAINST this idea! It was almost like she wanted me to be an asshole so she could point the finger at me.

Finally she moved out. We are still together but it is still quite the emotional roller coaster. My drinking is far more under control now which is a blessing. However, we are in the middle of this ridiculous argument because I have not been emotionally supportive enough. We had a great time on New Year's Eve, had a few drinks which led to me wanting to rest the following day which of course became a HUGE ordeal. I wasn't intimate w/ her because I was exhausted and a little hung over. Then the following day after work she blows up my phone w/ problems she is having with a friend. I try to say supportive things but of course it's never enough and now she doesn't respond to my texts. I'm actually fine with this and am hoping to make my exit soon.

[kells76]

Hi Goodpal;

My husband and his kids' mom (who has many BPD-type traits, though no diagnosis) divorced about 13 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 15 & 17.

When there are kids involved, ending a relationship can be more complicated. Clearly he hasn't been able to cut all contact with her, though over time and with learning better communication tools (like B.I.F.F.), interactions have gotten "less bad". There was a lot of conflict and blame, both in person and over text and email, for about the first... 12 years post-divorce

She quickly remarried H's former best friend, as they were dating before the divorce was final. While she (and he, who has many NPD-type traits) projected an image of bliss, perfection, superiority, and sophistication, all was not well and over the past 2 years we have heard some stuff from the kids indicating major conflicts between Mom and Stepdad. Because she has not chosen to make a long term investment in meaningful therapy, she has brought the same issues from her marriage to H into her marriage with Stepdad.

H and I have been in counseling together since before we were married. Our conflict style hits a lot of "open wounds" for both of us (he gets big and angry and intense, I withdraw and shut down), so we have had to work very hard to change that.

I would say that yes, things can be better for a partner ending a BPD relationship and starting a non-BPD relationship, as long as that person is willing to look at his/her contribution to the BPD relationship and do work to make changes. Just "switching partners" doesn't fix what the non-BPD brought in to the dynamic. It's also important to look at what drew you to partner with a pwBPD in the first place -- if you can't identify that (often stemming from family of origin issues), you may have a blind spot in your choice future relationships.

...

In your situation, as you don't share kids with her, that part may be a little less complicated, though you'll have to think through both what you want to do, and what you're legally able to do, regarding your relationship with her son.

It may also be important to think through any safety issues that might come up if you exit the relationship. Some pwBPD escalate behaviors when they sense a partner pulling away -- coming up with a plan to make a clean exit, versus lots of trips back to "talk about things" or "pick up something I left behind" etc, may be safer, and protect you from false accusations.

...

Did I understand correctly that she moved out of your place?

If so, does she have stuff left at your place?

[Goodpal]

Thank you for the reply. Yes she moved out a few months ago so there's nothing at my place she would need to get. I'm just working up the courage to make the final exit and to do so permanently.

I have done a lot of work on myself. I was previously in a long term marriage w/ someone w/ NPD. This is why I'm kicking myself for getting right back in with someone w/ disordered thinking. I figured out a lot of issues I had with my family of origin and how they contributed to my adult relationships. Mainly having to suppress my feelings. Lot of the internal work occurred during the final stages of my marriage. Unfortunately the trauma from the divorce led to my vulnerability and back in a dysfunctional relationship.

On a positive note I am far wiser than I was in the past. For the entire length of this relationship I've always kind of kept her at arm's length if that makes sense. I even broke it off a few times. The problem is that I always returned regardless of what my head was telling me. But I was also in a huge life transition so I had a divorce and a break up occurring at the same time which was emotionally unbearable. Clearly I was making bad decisions. Time seems to be strengthening me though.

During one of the break ups I did go on a date w/ someone who appeared at least on the outside as emotionally healthy. I always wonder in the back of my head what it would have been like had I continued with her. I think it would have been too early post divorce regardless but it was a good experience that I fondly look back on. At this point I'm not really concerned about a relationship. I actually enjoy being alone quite a bit but eventually I'm sure I would like to explore my options. Right now I just need to figure out my exit strategy. The holidays are over so I feel that this is the perfect time.

[ForeverDad]

However, we are in the middle of this ridiculous argument because I have not been emotionally supportive enough.

That is a common report here, link: everything is your fault.  The reality is that the relationship has been or has become dysfunctional and unhealthy.  As the referee does in a prize fight, the parties are told to sit it out in neutral corners.

You perceive the futility in continuing this argument, right?  She will never let you win, right?  What prevents you from exiting this lingering/quasi relationship sooner than later?

[Goodpal]

The endless attention I received was intoxicating. I think I need to withdrawal from it like a drug.

[EyesUp]

Hey Goodpal,

You asked for others' experience.  I don't know if your a Marvel fan, but my story might be like an episode of "What If..." - for you - in case you decide to reconcile...

Like you, I had a whirlwind romance. A lot of things lined up really well. In addition to appreciation, we had compatible values, similar education, similar interests...  Over the first years, as other dynamics appeared, we broke up and recycled a few times.  Some of the issues that I perceived at the time were in our conflict resolution styles, attitudes toward money and social status, hypersensitivity to criticism - real or perceived, and seemingly endless cycles of anxiety and depression - often attributed to seemingly imagined conditions.

At one point, I accepted an offer for a new job which appeared to trigger all my pwBPD's insecurities at once - and we broke up.  Emotionally, I missed the good aspects of the relationship - certain routines, compatibilities, and things we enjoyed together.  Intellectually, I also recognized a chance to move forward, to better understand what I bring to a relationship and my own values, and to eventually pursue a healthier future.  I think that's about where you are now.  So, here's where the "What If..." scenario comes in...

After we split up, I moved to a new town. My new job went well. I dated. It was thrilling. Life was good.

About a year later, my ex reached out and in an unguarded moment I agreed to meet to catch up. She told me about the work she had done, how her life was going well, how she wished that we could try again... About a month later, we ended up getting back together. And about a year after that she moved in, we eventually married, and had three kids. We were married for 14 years.

Throughout our marriage, my uBPDxw experienced the worst post-partem depression cycles, and attributed each one to me - lack of support, lack of understanding, etc. - there was no amount of support or understanding I could provide that would relieve whatever she felt.  Each time, she planned to return to work, but then she'd take off 1-2 years of work which put significant financial strain on us and more specifically on me. Everyone at work was abusive or misogynistic (including a female owned-company with lots of women in senior management), or the work environment was toxic (once literally - it was "sick building" with bad air circulation), etc.

I have always travelled for work, but my travel became an acute source of stress for my uBPDxw. She accused me of having affairs while away from home. At one point she accused me of having other families in various places I traveled to - and obviously that's why we were in financial distress... I was supporting other women and kids instead of supporting her and our kids (never mind that we always filed taxes jointly and she had great visibility to everything).

We cycled through multiple couples' therapists - one commented that our dynamic was particularly difficult, but didn't elaborate. Another commented that some of my uBPDxw's expectations and demands were not entirely rational - my uBPDxw made sure that was our last session with that therapist...

We moved in 2019 and relocating to a new town just a few miles away, ostensibly to our dream house - was a huge trigger. And then the pandemic hit. Initially, I thought it would be great - I finally didn't need to travel and could spend more time with my wife and the kids.

However, not long after lockdown started, my uBPDxw commented "life is not worth living if I can't go to the gym and  Starbucks" - ouch!  I realized that she wasn't as excited or at least as optimistic as I was to spend more time together...

And then later during the pandemic, I discovered that she was having an affair - and that it wasn't her first (as we often say around here, "accusations are confessions"). This finally led to divorce, but not before another two rounds of fruitless couples' therapy in which my uBPDxw progressively painted me black and blamed me for everything that went wrong in her life. The divorce was a story unto itself, full of false accusations and distorted thinking. Not to mention, expensive.

I managed to get through the divorce with 50-50 parenting time. My uBPDxw has significant resentment because she didn't get to be primary parent - so conflict continues.

I share all this as a cautionary tale - because while you and your pwBPD are certainly different people, if your pwBPD does, in fact, follow the BPD patterns - you will likely end up repeating part or all of the patterns in this story...

Since you've posted in the conflicted board, I encourage you to carefully consider your choices: 

One is a clean break, a chance to continue the work you've done and are doing on yourself, and to seek a healthy future. 

The other is a very challenging path. 

Some think that loves conquers all and will overcome mental illness and past trauma - but that's the trick with BPD - it doesn't really allow for love to truly exist until the pwBPD addresses their past trauma or whatever has contributed to their maladaptive behaviors. Those who choose to go down this path often double down - out of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG).  And there are many members here who remain in these relationships - for many different reasons - which are valid.

Personally, I am enormously grateful for the chance I've had to reboot in midlife, and for the chance to provide a stable and healthy home for my kids at least 50% of the time (not ideal but better than the alternative).

Good luck, and please let us know how you're doing - whichever way you decide to go, this community will support you.

[Goodpal]

Hello EyesUp

My jaw is on the floor after reading your post. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to write that and post it for me. I am so sorry for all that you have been through and this has really opened my eyes. I am going to read your post every day, over and over again and let it completely sink in. This is exactly what I needed to hear to push me over the edge towards my exit.

If you don't mind can you share a little bit more about your time when you were living in the new town, at the new job, dating and overall thriving? That's the place I want to be in.

Thank you.

[EyesUp]

If you don't mind can you share a little bit more about your time when you were living in the new town, at the new job, dating and overall thriving? That's the place I want to be in.

Thank you.

Anytime you relocate, there are automatically new relationships in play - new neighbors, new colleagues, etc. I was in my early 30s, I found a great place for a good price - a downtown loft - and I was making new friends, and also reconnecting with some old ones.

A friend asked if I was single and open to meeting someone. Sure!  He introduced me to a smart, beautiful, and seemingly well balanced woman my age, who worked in my field, and we dated for a bit. I was just starting to (re)calibrate my people picker, and my new gf was obviously healthier than my ex-gf in a bunch of ways - which was interesting and exciting.

Eventually I realized that we were not a match. I had gained some confidence, and I was also focused on work and career, and so I didn't hesitate to end it - in fairness to both of us. I dated a bit more, off an on, but back then I wasn't terribly intentional and I was still learning a lot about relationships, and also spending time with family an hour away, and traveling to see old friends from college, and I occasionally had friends visit and stay with me. Overall, it was a good year - full of progress personally and professionally.

I think if I had not reconnected with my ex-gf at the end of that year (now my uBPDxw), I likely would have continued to date a bit aimlessly, but with good intentions, and I may or may not have improved the calibration of my people-picker during that time - while understanding that many prospective partners in their mid-30s are aiming to have kids ASAP, and feeling some pressure (mostly self-imposed) to pick!

In an ideal world, we'd know ourselves well and be excellent communicators by our mid to late 20s.  At that time, I was getting good at communicating at work - but less effective at expressing my feelings in personal situations - and so I think I felt more comfortable in a relationship where easy intimacy was a substitute for a deeper, and more explicit connection.

Over the 20 years since, I've acquired some awareness of my strengths and weaknesses and what I do and don't bring to the table...  I learned some things from my uBPDxw, from our various couples' therapists, from individual therapists, from self-directed study, reading, and participation in places like this forum.  I wish I had focused on some of these things sooner.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is:  If I hadn't reconnected with my uBPDxw at a moment when I hadn't yet become more aware and intentional, I may have used that time to do just that:  Get more comfortable with myself and more aware of my values and, well, intentions. And possibly honed my people picker. Instead, I'm doing some of this in my 50s with 3 kids... better late than never!

No matter what age you are at, it sounds like you are at an inflection point - the amazing thing is:  You have a lot of power to make choices.

I'd encourage you to take your time, continue the work you mentioned before, and learn as much as possible about what feels right - and why - for you. And don't fall into a false intimacy trap, or a sense of reward when you feel like you're "helping" - or any sense of self-worth or value that's external - from someone else. Sure, recognition is nice - but what if you can't spot when it's love-bombing or some other motivation, e.g., a BPD's insecurity?

So, here's the tough part:  Get comfortable with being alone. 

I knew (and my T confirmed...) that I was ready to explore a new relationship (post-D) when I could consistently spend all day on a Saturday on a bike ride, or reading a good book, or taking a long hike, or catching up on work - anything really - with some self-satisfaction and no sense of loneliness. Of course there's more to it than that, but I think it's a pretty good litmus test for a lot of us - once you're at-ease with yourself, you can be your authentic self with someone else.

e.g., this eliminates agreeing to food you don't really like, just to get along... which is the slippery slope to pleasing someone else in an inauthentic way vs. just being a nice guy...  When you're able to say "Hey, I don't love broccoli cheddar soup - can we pick a place that has something we both like?" - about pretty much anything - you're in a good zone.  And when you're partner isn't triggered by your soup choice or invitation to pick something that's good for both of you, that's really good, too.

[Goodpal]

EyesUp,

Thank you again for the post. I'm really trying to be more mindful of what I'm doing and how I'm responding to things. For example, I'm finally starting to get just how much guilt and shame play a role in my responses. My p w/ bpd got all flustered last night because she had to get her place ready for some friends that were coming over. I responded w/ "Hope everything goes well tonight." In response I got a middle finger emoji and told how unsupportive I was. At first I felt like maybe I should say something else but instead I did not respond any further. It is not my job to make her feel better.

You wrote - "And don't fall into a false intimacy trap, or a sense of reward when you feel like you're "helping" - or any sense of self-worth or value that's external - from someone else." This is a trap I'm constantly falling into, along with falling for all of the love bombing techniques. Just a little background - I met my now fiancé at the end of a turbulent 20+ year marriage. In the end I was lied to and cheated on. Nothing I could do would fix that situation. So my current p w/ BPD pops into my life and basically tells me I'm the best person she has ever met (compete opposite of my ex-wife) and before you know it we are in a whirlwind romance. At this point I'm past 40 so I'm intellectually wiser yet emotionally vulnerable. I'm seeing the red flags - Extreme anger that comes out of nowhere, hyper sensitivity to perceived or real criticism (even towards her 9 year old child) and a 2 bottle of wine day habit.

After one year I finally cut and run. No catalyst to the break up since were were still in the love bombing phase. Months later I'm sucked back in and we go on for longer. This pattern happens a few times. Now we are engaged and I'm getting to that point of knowing I need to exit.

The hard part for me is that I think I've prolonged the honeymoon phase with all of the break ups and always keeping her at arm's length. I know that once I leave it will be difficult to stay away if she keeps reaching out. I'm trying to remind myself of what may happen if I go through w/ a marriage.

[Goodpal]

Another interesting thing to note - There have been a couple of times that I was absolutely burned out after work and just needed some time to recharge so I wasn't as responsive to whatever issue she was having. I was told that I was selfish and to even think that I needed time for myself (even just an hour or so) was completely unacceptable. Again, more shame and guilt. As I write this she is giving me the silent treatment because I didn't call her back quick enough this morning. She had been blowing my phone up with texts but my phone wasn't near me. I did respond when I saw the messages but apparently not fast enough.

[EyesUp]

@Goodpal,

It's good that you're listening to your feelings, and that you're aware of the black and white cycles. One of the challenges in detaching is letting go of the well-established reunion cycles, which typically include the comfort of familiarity and, well, great sex. Recognizing that there are strings attached and keeping that in focus is key.

What would happen if you didn't respond to her messages for a longer stretch? Say overnight, or 24 hours? If you let it ride, do you think she will eventually become contrite or apologize?  Would that make a difference in your current thinking?  Or feeling?

[Goodpal]

Yes. When she realizes she cannot control me (after I finally stop being compliant) she switches her approach often with something light and completely off topic as if none of the other stuff ever happened. That is what pulls me in every time - the natural chemistry and good feelings related to the conversation.

I've decided to go back on my antidepressant as I move forward towards the break up. I think this will help me to stay strong and not get too stuck in the dark hole of depression. I've been thinking about my past relationships and how they have always started with love bombing and me getting sucked into relationships I didn't feel were healthy. I believe it all goes back to the attachment I had with my mother who was emotionally cold when I was growing up.

[ForeverDad]

There have been a couple of times that I was absolutely burned out after work and just needed some time to recharge so I wasn't as responsive to whatever issue she was having. I was told that I was selfish and to even think that I needed time for myself (even just an hour or so) was completely unacceptable.

The okay version of silence, you needed recovery time.

As I write this she is giving me the silent treatment because I didn't call her back quick enough this morning.

The poor version of silent treatment, done to punish you, how dare you inconvenience her.

[Goodpal]

Thank you for pointing that out. It's so easy to get caught up in all of this.

[Goodpal]

Had my first therapy session today. I feel so much more confident going forward. Something just clicked during the session. I feel like I really have a lot of internal work to do, even going back to my divorce. Being in relationships w/ Cluster B personalities is very traumatic.

Gp

[kells76]

Hi Goodpal;

Had my first therapy session today. I feel so much more confident going forward. Something just clicked during the session. I feel like I really have a lot of internal work to do, even going back to my divorce. Being in relationships w/ Cluster B personalities is very traumatic.

Glad you had a good first session. Sounds like you had a good connection with the therapist, which is so important.

What do you think it was that really "clicked" for you?

...

We bring these external BPD relational issues to therapy and then yeah, ultimately, we find that the core issues are inside of us. You're in good company here with members who are orienting towards working on themselves, no matter what others in their lives are doing.

I've learned that even though I can frame my withdrawing from conflicts as "at least I'm not yelling, at least I'm not raging", withdrawing/shutting down can also be hurtful to my loved ones. Nobody else makes me do it; that's my responsibility, and then it's my job to work with that tendency.

Looking forward to hearing more about your therapy and your process;

kells76

[Goodpal]

Hi Kells76

Thanks for responding. I think what "clicked" was the fact that I'm in an extremely dysfunctional relationship that I have been trying to normalize to some degree. Listening to the T repeat my words was eye-opening and I'm beginning to see what this relationship was really truly about for me.

Gp

[Goodpal]

I did it. I ended the relationship. This is the third time breaking up with her. It's been almost a week. I've spent time just watching tv, going to the gym, attended church on Sunday and although there is some heartache I feel better.
She reached out to me via text last night, basically going back on an angry email she sent but I didn't respond. I feel guilty for breaking up with her but I know I can't be in a relationship. The email triggered intense anxiety in me and I felt like my freedom was about to be taken away. It made me hold on tighter to being single. I didn't sleep well.
I think she's beautiful, we have amazing chemistry and I wish I could follow the fantasy love story to the happy ending but I just can't. I have nothing left to give. I am now in love with being alone, watching tv, playing guitar, reading books, going to the gym, being alone in my own thoughts. I cannot give this up. I have no room for anyone else right now.

[EyesUp]

@Goodpal,

Quick note to say that we're here for you as you make this transition.  You're doing the right things - continue to connect with your self and the things that you enjoy.

Watch out for possible rumination - if that happens, there are things you can do to "change the channel" - but it sounds like you're already on that path with guitar, etc.

Is it possible that this time will also give you a chance to re/connect with friends and family?

[Goodpal]

Thank you for responding EyesUp. I'm thinking about going out to visit my brother and his family this spring for a weekend. Other than that I'm keeping to myself. I'm really enjoying the alone time. I do have a garage band (just a bunch of dads) so I have that for my social outlet.

One thing to note. She never really split on me. I've always been idealized. I find this interesting. Maybe she always sensed that I did not have stable energy so I never engulfed her. I was always kind of on the fence. Is this common? I did feel enmeshed w/ her to to the point where she completely took up all of the real estate in my head. That's pretty much what made me exit this time. I had no space whatsoever to think w/ the constant communication. This is what made living together impossible.

[EyesUp]

It takes a lot of strength and conviction in order to take these steps.

Working on yourself, practicing healthy habits and skills, and focusing on healthy activities pays dividends - "This is the way...."

Setting goals to look forward to is a great thing to do - Glad to hear about the trip in April. It will be here sooner than you think.

[Goodpal]

She's reaching out nonstop right now (texting, email). I'm not responding but the guilt is strong. Trying to remind myself that I need to take care of myself. I can't be responsible for someone else's emotions. She wasn't w/ all of her exes.

[Goodpal]

Also, I did let her know that I needed to go no contact for now so it's not like I just disappeared.

[ForeverDad]

She's reaching out nonstop right now (texting, email). I'm not responding but the guilt is strong. Trying to remind myself that I need to take care of myself. I can't be responsible for someone else's emotions. She wasn't w/ all of her exes.

Once she realized you were not rushing back seeking her forgiveness or not crawling back to her ... it was almost predictable she would do anything and everything to get you back.

Toward the end of many of our PD relationships we were frequently relegated to the back burner to simmer (a cooking analogy).  Then when we took ourselves off the stove, there was one of two extreme reactions, either trying to woo us back, or eventually, rejection.  As though they could claim they abandoned us before we could abandon them.

[livednlearned]

Does anyone have a story to share about leaving an unhealthy relationship and how it all turned out?

Leaving my alcoholic untreated n/BPD ex husband was the best thing that ever happened to me, and the most painful. Painful in a different way than 10 years of abuse.  

It's a bit of hero's journey to get to the other side. I highly recommend leaning into the pain. Avoiding it is probably in part why you ended up here   Having a T help you figure out healthy ways to cope with and understand that pain, probably reframe it seems critical. It's great you already have that in place.

In my family of origin it wasn't safe to have emotions, especially ones that invited ridicule like joy or sadness. It was so confusing to have any feelings about anything because nothing positive followed. Everyone just seemed to be reacting and that seemed dangerous so I went numb.

I see now why we avoid painful feelings because my god can they hurt, almost more than physical pain. I don't mean the emotions around losing someone, I mean the the ones that come up when we're figuring out whether we're lovable, and there's no one there to prove it except you.

The deepest part of the healing for me was sort of a re-parenting around those themes.

If you are concerned about reconnecting with your ex or giving into her, maybe think ahead how you'll handle weak moments. Like having a buddy system for when she contacts you. Marc Maron (comedian) does a bit about this -- specifically about breaking up with BPD women and staying broken up.

Or journaling every time you see a text or email from her.

Something to rewire the habits.

 

[Goodpal]

I appreciate the advice livednlearned. Having a T has been very helpful during this transition. I do hold onto a lot of guilt though still. My exit was abrupt and I did not communicate all of the issues I was having in the relationship so my ex w/bpd was a bit shell shocked. It was quite the preemptive decision because I saw all of the warning signs and got out before I got locked in - rage (not necessarily at me), alcoholism, a need for constant caretaking... I just knew full well I wasn't headed in a healthy direction.