Cycle

[NYBluebird]

My first post- thank you in advance. My DIL has BPD, per a therapist I have started to see to help me deal with this situation. They have been married 5 years. They have 2 beautiful kids. Prior to their marriage, at the start of their relationship, my son says she had mental issues and was bipolar/ he said it in an almost joking way- but now the joke is real. My son is miserable. He has gained so much weight- he used to be an athlete and very active. Now, he can’t do anything on his own. We have not seen him alone in years. He hasn’t been to our cabin that he helped build in 6 years. There have been countless cycles of distortion>my son sends targeted nasty texts> I usually will try to smooth things over and “validate” her feelings. This most recent episode, my daughter (the sister of my son married to the bpddil) had got raked through the mud. My daughter and her husband are moving back to the area. We are thrilled- her and her husband are loving, fun people. I think my DIL is so jealous of them now my son just sent us a nasty text “if we ever want to see our grandkids…” we have to agree that my daughter has been a bad aunt by not seeing her niece and nephew frequently. They lived 5 hours away. My therapist said not to get in the middle of son and wife and son as his sister. So I texted that I am not getting in the middle. Then my dil mad a mean post on social media. It’s been a week of no communication. We have Christmas

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[holdingontohope]

Sorry for what you are going through, and for the "loss" of your son, in a way.  It is awesome that you are meeting with a therapist, BPD is a LOT, and affects the entire family.  It is hard to navigate alone, and I keep telling my husband and nonBPD sons that it is "above our pay grade!"  Try as we might, we still just do not know what the next right steps are.  We are seeing a therapist for the first time this coming Tuesday.

I am so happy for you that you daughter and son-in-law will be moving near you soon, try to focus on the joy that brings, and remain as neutral as possible with your son/BPDdil.  Good luck to you, and just know you have support here!  One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, it is all any of us can do. ;)

[kells76]

Hi NYBluebird and another from me.

I wish it were less common to hear about BPD children and inlaws threatening to withhold grandchildren. You're very not alone in hearing that threat and wanting to find ways to cope with it -- so many members here are also on that journey.

Like holdingontohope wrote,

It is awesome that you are meeting with a therapist, BPD is a LOT, and affects the entire family.  It is hard to navigate alone, and I keep telling my husband and nonBPD sons that it is "above our pay grade!"  Try as we might, we still just do not know what the next right steps are.  We are seeing a therapist for the first time this coming Tuesday.

BPD does impact the entire family system, not just the pwBPD (person with BPD). My H's kids' mom has many traits and behaviors (though not a diagnosis as far as I know), and I've needed therapy the entire time H and I have been married, to cope with how her BPD seeps into our life.

...

Have your daughter and son-in-law moved back yet?

How did the holidays go for you and your family?

Let us know any updates, whenever works best for you;

kells76