Navigating a Marriage: Seeking Perspective and Hope

[Cwilhelm]

I feel like I'm reaching my limit and desperately need some perspective from others who might understand what it's like living with a partner who exhibits BPD-like behavior. I've been married for over 32 years, and it's been a relentless journey of trying to adapt to her intense emotional swings. It's like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.

Throughout our marriage, my wife's behavior has deeply impacted me. In my 50s now, I've developed strategies to cope with these challenges, some of which I've learned from this very forum. But no matter what approach I take, we inevitably hit a point where she crosses a line – it could be anything from abruptly canceling plans to visit our children to explosive verbal outbursts.
The most recent episode, occurring just five days after my major surgery when I needed her support the most, might be the last straw for me. It's made me question how I can trust her to be there for me in the future, especially with potentially more debilitating issues.

Financially, I'm in a tricky spot. My wife is very wealthy, and a separation would mean a significant shift in my living standard. Since our marriage, I've been the primary caregiver for her, our kids, and then her again, which has limited my career and income opportunities.

Our therapist is excellent, and I do see progress in my wife. Between incidents, I often think, "How did we ever have problems?" But then another line-crossing incident happens, and the cycle of hope and despair restarts.

In our latest interaction, after a dense 30 minute verbal beatdown on the first day I was out of bed after surgery, still on opiate pain meds, she texted "I'm sorry" and suggesting she might not mean everything she says in those moments. When asked about if she is willing to confront what I heard, she said, "I heard just as much from you."  She didn't I have the conversation recorded.
 I am always incredibly gentle with her. Since, she avoids further discussion, leaving me alone to deal with the aftermath. This pattern repeats: a conflict arises, escalates, and then is only resolved when I decide to let go and move forward without addressing the core issues.

I'm grappling with the reality that while I love my wife and have built my life around her, I'm now facing the possibility of a future where I need to prioritize my own well-being. How do I navigate this? How do I hold on to the hope that things can improve, especially when each incident leaves me more drained than the last? And how do I balance my emotional needs with the practical realities of my financial dependence?

Any advice, insights, or shared experiences from this community would be immensely helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for any guidance you can offer.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Cwilhelm,

   I see that you have been a member for years, yet you don't post often.  I will attempt to address your questions, and invite you to become a more active participant as it could be mutually beneficial for yourself as well as other readers of these forums.

   Since we have not interacted before, I will

   I will quote what you say, perhaps highlight something, and reflect it back to you in the form of a question to help you see it from a different perspective, and come up with a course of actions from this interaction...

I feel like I'm reaching my limit and desperately need some perspective from others who might understand what it's like living with a partner who exhibits BPD-like behavior. I've been married for over 32 years, and it's been a relentless journey of trying to adapt to her intense emotional swings. It's like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.

Like you,  I too am in my 50's; however, I have been with my wife for 23 years, and married for almost 21.  It wasn't until a year and a half ago, I was introduced to BPD.  I still am walking on eggshells, as I do not want to trigger my wife, and have a pretty good indication on how to adapt to my wife's own intense emotional swings.  My wife she knows she is messed up, and has been actively working on the easier aspects of the disorder, such as stopping her all out verbal rages, hitting/punching/kicking - yet her mood swings still remain.  I am attending couples therapy with the intent on shining a light on these issues, so the couple's therapist, can communicate with her individual therapist these issues in order to get them addressed.  It is slow going; however, a lot of progress has been made in the past year.



Throughout our marriage, my wife's behavior has deeply impacted me. In my 50s now, I've developed strategies to cope with these challenges, some of which I've learned from this very forum. But no matter what approach I take, we inevitably hit a point where she crosses a line – it could be anything from abruptly canceling plans to visit our children to explosive verbal outbursts.
The most recent episode, occurring just five days after my major surgery when I needed her support the most, might be the last straw for me. It's made me question how I can trust her to be there for me in the future, especially with potentially more debilitating issues.

I too have developed strategies to cope, and also to confront her issues, set a healthy boundary based on "all abuse must stop".  It is easy to see and understand how you feel where you cannot fully trust her to be there for you now and in the future - and unless addressed, it will likely get worse.


Financially, I'm in a tricky spot. My wife is very wealthy, and a separation would mean a significant shift in my living standard. Since our marriage, I've been the primary caregiver for her, our kids, and then her again, which has limited my career and income opportunities.

I used to have a six-figure income, I am now retired early due to medical and other reasons, so my pension income is now matched to hers - I have effectively levelled the playing field should my wife choose to follow through on one of her 4 dozen+ threats of divorce.  The last two I have called her 'bluff' and she no longer does them as a result - a boundary not to be treated this way.


Our therapist is excellent, and I do see progress in my wife. Between incidents, I often think, "How did we ever have problems?" But then another line-crossing incident happens, and the cycle of hope and despair restarts.

I am interested in how you highlight issues with your therapist, as I have made good progress in the past year; however, I have seemed to hit a wall, and the T is pushing back on me right now.  I am looking for effective techniques in identifying issues, so my wife can become self-aware so she can actually address these issues.


In our latest interaction, after a dense 30 minute verbal beatdown on the first day I was out of bed after surgery, still on opiate pain meds, she texted "I'm sorry" and suggesting she might not mean everything she says in those moments. When asked about if she is willing to confront what I heard, she said, "I heard just as much from you."  She didn't I have the conversation recorded.
 I am always incredibly gentle with her. Since, she avoids further discussion, leaving me alone to deal with the aftermath. This pattern repeats: a conflict arises, escalates, and then is only resolved when I decide to let go and move forward without addressing the core issues.

I will raise issues, the T accuses me of destroying her self-esteem; however, when it definitely feels like being gaslit (but isn't since it is not intentional) I also find myself struggling to get my wife to understand expressing distorted facts (a false narrative) is not okay in order to match her distorted feelings, which are 100% hers, even if they do not make sense, as this is the way she feels.


I'm grappling with the reality that while I love my wife and have built my life around her, I'm now facing the possibility of a future where I need to prioritize my own well-being. How do I navigate this? How do I hold on to the hope that things can improve, especially when each incident leaves me more drained than the last? And how do I balance my emotional needs with the practical realities of my financial dependence?

You do need to focus on your own 'well-being' - you need to put your needs first.  I used to give and give and give, until I was neglecting my own needs.  I needed to shift and focus on my own needs as I came to the conclusion that she was not really concerned about my needs, but only her needs which were impossible to satisfy with her overwhelming feeling of emptiness inside of her.  While not T approved, I came to the conclusion, that I would no longer give a >100:1 ratio of giving:receiving ratio; however, I would focus on targeting a 50:50 ratio of reciprocity; however, in reality it is more like a 60:40 to 67:33 ratio, which I will no longer exceed - the effort needs to be equal.  My effort is exclusively focused on maintaining sanity in my household where I will not be yelled at, nor my children.

Since your wife seems to be well off ( inheritance and/or workaholism, and OCPD trait by the way, like my wife )


Any advice, insights, or shared experiences from this community would be immensely helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for any guidance you can offer.

If you share more of your story, I can offer more specific guidance, I have only spoken in general terms on what has worked for me, as you are of similar age, and of similar financial situation as well.

I am looking forward to your response(s).

My best piece of advice is to reduce your attention on your wife, and focus more on yourself with self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

SD

[Gravity Man]

Great reply SawltyDog.

I was wondering why you think you would be in a dire financial position if you divorced?  I am in a similar position.  In my 50s, married 30+ years.  I have always provided all of the financial support for the family.  My wife stayed at home with the kids and otherwise has always found a reason, even now, why she cannot work, even though she is very educated.  I have checked into it, and it is my understanding in a divorce, there would essentially be a 50/50 split of everything and I would be required to pay spousal support of about 50% of my income indefinitely (because we have been married so long) ... or something roughly like that.  Not sure where you are at.  I assume in the U.S.  I think you would be looking at a similar deal (reverse of mine) which, if your wife is wealthy, seems like you could live comfortably off of that ?

Side note.  On New Year's Eve we were at party with karaoke.  My wife wanted us to sing "our song" (love song) to each other, which we did.  I was a bit half-hearted in it because thing are like this about 0.2% of the time.  This morning, before leaving for work, was informed that we have a sham marriage and I am the worst husband in the world.  This type of thing should sound familiar to a lot of us.  She knows not to threaten divorce anymore, because like SawltyDog, called her on it, and not afraid to actually go there if need be.

[Gravity Man]

Sorry, not a lot of perspective and hope in my last answer.  The thing that has helped me the most is the book "Stop Caretaking the Narcissist/BPD in your Life."  Also there is a guy on Quora that goes by Wendall H Biggins who has written some of the best stuff I have ever read ... and I have read a lot.

[SaltyDawg]

I was wondering why you think you would be in a dire financial position if you divorced?  I am in a similar position.  In my 50s, married 30+ years.  I have always provided all of the financial support for the family.  My wife stayed at home with the kids and otherwise has always found a reason, even now, why she cannot work, even though she is very educated.  I have checked into it, and it is my understanding in a divorce, there would essentially be a 50/50 split of everything and I would be required to pay spousal support of about 50% of my income indefinitely (because we have been married so long) ... or something roughly like that.  Not sure where you are at.  I assume in the U.S.  I think you would be looking at a similar deal (reverse of mine) which, if your wife is wealthy, seems like you could live comfortably off of that ?

I was in a 6-figure job, and between my wife and I we have amassed just enough wealth to retire comfortably on for the rest of our lives (through age 95 and beyond).  If we were to divorce, she would get 1/3, I would get 1/3, and the attorneys would get 1/3 as this would be a high conflict type divorce.  This would severely impinge on living comfortably with my pension, and I am not yet eligible for Social Security, which keeps on being pushed back as I get closer to the age requirement.

Also, if I am to address my suspected medical issues it would restrict me to returning to work limiting my ability to return to the work force and earn a decent living wage, but not enough to apply for disability.

I was injured, our D had issues at the time, and my wife asked me to retire early, so I did.  My wife is smarter than me, can earn more money than me; however, she has chosen to not work full time, and her part time job is the same amount as my pension, effectively zeroing out any alimony, this is one aspect where I have levelled the playing field if she were to follow through on her divorce threats.

Another aspect in leveling the playing field was to confront my wife on my wife's false narrative of child abuse in front of our couple's therapist, a former CPS - LCSW, where her exaggerated feelings of me disciplining our son (removing him by his hand out to the parking lot when he was in the 1st grade in front of the principle and school teachers, all of whom are mandated reporters) could have resulted in something bad happening to me if it were to go to divorce - again and the authorities believed her severely exaggerated, but believable, statements to the point where I would have been falsely persecuted.  I have levelled the playing field here too.  However, as she has telegraphed she would do a very nasty smear campaign if we were to get divorced as her by making such statements with her all or nothing thinking where her facts have been twisted into severely distorted false statements.  However, if we were to divorce, then I would not be able to enforce boundaries I have put in place in the past year to prevent my wife from negatively affecting my children.  Right now she is afraid to 'unleash her anger' on them as she has done on me and our children in the past, even though she did have a serous lapse yesterday where my wife threw a shovel towards our daughter yesterday, close enough to scare my daughter, but not close enough to report her to CPS with my wife's projected anger.  My wife has been physically violent in the past; however, she has maneuvered it to stay out of the system so far, and knows how far to go not to get into the system.  This is the first time she has been physically violent (this time towards a shovel) since 2022.

My wife is also uOCPD in which one of the symptoms is that she is a miserly spender (except when she has a BPD episode), so most of the money was put into savings in a manner consistent to benefit my wife if we were to divorce - in essence financial abuse where literally every penny of my spending was scrutinized; however, she could buy her girlfriend a car and loan [gift] them thousands of dollars, which currently have not been paid back, and these date back for two decades.  I have also worked on levelling the playing field here, even though it is still heavily weighted towards my wife as many assets are hidden from my access (and the courts too), she still has a great advantage on this one.  She is a CPA and is intimately familiar with 'gaming' the system to her advantage.  I've documented where I can, and have maneuvered a little bit, but not enough to compensate for being financially stressed if a divorce were to happen.  As long as we are on 'friendly'ish terms, things will be fine, but if we become divorce adversaries, I lose.

Side note.  On New Year's Eve we were at party with karaoke.  My wife wanted us to sing "our song" (love song) to each other, which we did.  I was a bit half-hearted in it because thing are like this about 0.2% of the time.  This morning, before leaving for work, was informed that we have a sham marriage and I am the worst husband in the world.  This type of thing should sound familiar to a lot of us.  She knows not to threaten divorce anymore, because like SawltyDog, called her on it, and not afraid to actually go there if need be.

My wife goes black and white too.  Since I have erected a firm boundaries all with the theme "all abuse must stop" - my wife has shifted her blame from me (as she knows I will no longer put up with this, and call her out in front of the couple's therapist on it) to our children, who occasionally get the full brunt of my wife's actions like my daughter did yesterday - I did damage control; however, damage has been done.  for the most part I am able to reverse or stop the abuse; however, every now and then, like yesterday I fail in stopping my wife's bad behaviors.

I do have an exit strategy if things don't improve; the primary reason why I have not left, is to give my children the best possible launch in life when they leave the house (damage done, damage that has been reversed, and everything encompasses this) as staying together is better for the kids (at least for now, unless she has more frequent lapses like yesterday), as I am able to reflect back to her and her therapists her more accurate actions, and she has corrected many of her bad behaviours that would have otherwise gone unnoticed if one were to rely solely on my wife's distorted narrative and omissions of what life is like at home.

Sorry, not a lot of perspective and hope in my last answer.  The thing that has helped me the most is the book "Stop Caretaking the Narcissist/BPD in your Life."  Also there is a guy on Quora that goes by Wendall H Biggins who has written some of the best stuff I have ever read ... and I have read a lot.

I base most of my actions and boundaries on the "Stop Caretaking" book, in my opinion it is hands down the best resource for managing a pwBPD - it is available free from the local library.  I looked for Biggins, his posts are old, I did find Biggins' book on Amazon; however, it is not available in Kindle edition (I would snag it with my credits, as my purchases are scrutinized).


Thanks for commenting, and please let me know if you have any more questions, G-Man.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself, and do some self-care, whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

SD

[FirstSteps]

  While not T approved, I came to the conclusion, that I would no longer give a >100:1 ratio of giving:receiving ratio; however, I would focus on targeting a 50:50 ratio of reciprocity; however, in reality it is more like a 60:40 to 67:33 ratio, which I will no longer exceed - the effort needs to be equal.  My effort is exclusively focused on maintaining sanity in my household where I will not be yelled at, nor my children.

This really hit home with me.  My story is similar in that my uBDPw has been working through the easier parts of her condition in a pretty dedicated DIY manner - lots of self help, reading about Stoicism, etc.  So our ration has improved to maybe 60/40 for stretches.  But it falls apart about every two weeks, whether in a small or very big way. 

I am actually so grateful for the change.  My kids talk about how scared they were that we were going to divorce, and my wife has become almost perfectly level with them.  This is a real gift to them that I am not going to jeopardize.  So I'm in for the next 3-4 years. 

But I just cannot be ok with the 60/40 split or worse.  Every time it is good, I start pushing things as if it's a normal marriage.  I read a book on attachment theory and start treating her like someone with "just" severe insecure attachment.  But I end up at the same brick wall, and I've found myself JADE-ing because I so want to be heard as if there was someone capable of caring for me on the other side in that hard moment.

It's rough.  I get all the upsides of an person of her intensity.  I know she adores me.  She would run through hell for me most times.  We have a family and a good life, and I'm looking forward to some possibilities after the kids are out of the house in terms of travel, adventure, space. 

But the fact that I'm abandoned regularly is brutal and draining, and I'm not sure I have it in me.

Anyway, I'm impressed by anyone who keeps an equilibrium with a pwBPD.  I just have to decide long term if I'm up for the compromise.

[CravingPeace]

In our latest interaction, after a dense 30 minute verbal beatdown on the first day I was out of bed after surgery, still on opiate pain meds, she texted "I'm sorry" and suggesting she might not mean everything she says in those moments. When asked about if she is willing to confront what I heard, she said, "I heard just as much from you."  She didn't I have the conversation recorded.
 I am always incredibly gentle with her. Since, she avoids further discussion, leaving me alone to deal with the aftermath. This pattern repeats: a conflict arises, escalates, and then is only resolved when I decide to let go and move forward without addressing the core issues.

I see this same thing. She will forgive nobody, ever for anything. Often denies what she has said. However if she verbally abuses me or does something so out of line that she eventually accepts it and apologizes (very rare), if I don't immediately let it go she gets so annoyed , shuts down and says she will no longer discuss it. So I am left alone to deal with it. I have to just accept it and move on. She says if I bring it up I am trying to punish her. Which I am not! I am just upset so find it hard just to forgive and move on when she has said one word, and not showed by actions she is sorry. But I have to try and just let it go.

[SaltyDawg]

This really hit home with me.  My story is similar in that my uBDPw has been working through the easier parts of her condition in a pretty dedicated DIY manner - lots of self help, reading about Stoicism, etc.  So our ration has improved to maybe 60/40 for stretches.  But it falls apart about every two weeks, whether in a small or very big way.

My wife is getting better; however, it falls apart whenever she encounters a 'stressor' that will trigger her, this can range from once a month, to once a week, depending on what is going on.  I've been highlighting the easier parts of my wife's condition, to be worked on within couple's therapy (and her individual therapy, using the 'seed planting tool').  I usually pick whatever the most predominate issue for the week was, I only pick one topic, as I don't want to overload her mind on dealing with several issues as she can get confused.

My wife also does a lot of reading - she says she understands the books; however, she fails to implement what the books are saying.  It is very frustrating. 

I am actually so grateful for the change.  My kids talk about how scared they were that we were going to divorce, and my wife has become almost perfectly level with them.  This is a real gift to them that I am not going to jeopardize.  So I'm in for the next 3-4 years.

 

I too am grateful for the change; however, there are lapse's the most recent one for her was on Tuesday, where our daughter was brought to tears and very scared after my wife threw a shovel in her vicinity in anger.  She also painted her black, by saying a very false narrative that was totally contrary to what I and our daughter independently conveyed to my wife.  My wife accused her of not helping at all, when she had been helping for hours, among several other issues that had been distorted by my wife's feelings into a false narrative of facts.

But I just cannot be ok with the 60/40 split or worse.  Every time it is good, I start pushing things as if it's a normal marriage.  I read a book on attachment theory and start treating her like someone with "just" severe insecure attachment.  But I end up at the same brick wall, and I've found myself JADE-ing because I so want to be heard as if there was someone capable of caring for me on the other side in that hard moment.

I wish I could get that far.  The only thing I have been able to do so far is set firm boundaries, and the 50/50 one is based not on effort (not really measurable), but on time (can be measured).  If she wants 5 hours of 'acts of service' that day, we do the chore together, I won't be her work slave any longer,

It's rough.  I get all the upsides of an person of her intensity.  I know she adores me.  She would run through hell for me most times.  We have a family and a good life, and I'm looking forward to some possibilities after the kids are out of the house in terms of travel, adventure, space.

 

Mine is different, I know she adores our children, she also likes what I do and she is well intentioned.  I feel that she is 'Too bad to stay, but too good to leave' is how I view this relationship dynamic.

But the fact that I'm abandoned regularly is brutal and draining, and I'm not sure I have it in me.

I've gotten used to this, and it sucks, I am in it only for our children, it is up to her to move in a good direction by the time the last one moves out of the house in a few years time, or I too will leave the situationship.

Anyway, I'm impressed by anyone who keeps an equilibrium with a pwBPD.  I just have to decide long term if I'm up for the compromise.

I am not willing to compromise on this anymore.  I will tolerate it for now, until the children are out of the house, she needs to change (revert back to her courting phase, which in essence was love bombing), or it is over.  I am willing to compromise on how much love bombing there is, but I will not be satisfied with a situationship where there is only bread-crumbing and an attentioned starved dynamic.

Be sure to do some self-care.

Take care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

I see this same thing. She will forgive nobody, ever for anything. Often denies what she has said. However if she verbally abuses me or does something so out of line that she eventually accepts it and apologizes (very rare), if I don't immediately let it go she gets so annoyed , shuts down and says she will no longer discuss it. So I am left alone to deal with it. I have to just accept it and move on. She says if I bring it up I am trying to punish her. Which I am not! I am just upset so find it hard just to forgive and move on when she has said one word, and not showed by actions she is sorry. But I have to try and just let it go.

CravingPeace,

   I too experience a very similar dynamic, apologies are rare (non-existent prior to last year) and wants me to forget it in addition to forgiving.  I told her I will not forget it; however, I do forgive.  I will not bring it up again, UNLESS it becomes an issue again, and invariably it does become an issue; however, I am focused on the current infraction only.

   I know she is going to do the infraction, so I have already forgiven what she is about to do, as I know she cannot help herself.  It is kind of like being mad at a puppy that just chewed your brand new shoe - the puppy doesn't know any better, neither does my wife when she is triggered.

   Take care.

SD

[gojira]

SaltyDawg,

I was curious about what your T said:

I will raise issues, the T accuses me of destroying her self-esteem; however, when it definitely feels like being gaslit (but isn't since it is not intentional)

If you wife has BPD, it would seem the T would recognize that you aren't the cause of her self-esteem problems.

[SaltyDawg]

SaltyDawg,

I was curious about what your T said:

I will raise issues, the T accuses me of destroying her self-esteem; however, when it definitely feels like being gaslit (but isn't since it is not intentional)

If you wife has BPD, it would seem the T would recognize that you aren't the cause of her self-esteem problems.

In that specific instance, I was explaining to the T, in front of my wife how my wife adjusts the facts to match her feelings (a form of disassociation), which are distorted to the point of being a false narrative that felt like I was being gaslit by her (a form of abuse).  In essence the T was reprimanding me, as I pretty much told the T in front of my wife, that my wife was a liar even though she believed her lies which was eroding my wife's self esteem as I being disrespectful towards her for not believing her false narrative and strongly implying my wife is an abuser without directly coming out and calling her that name.  What I was doing is a form of 'reactive abuse,' where I became the persecutor in the Karpman Drama triangle.  I am deliberate in how I present it, as I want it addressed in couple's counseling.

I can see the T's point of view on this, as no one likes being called an abusive spouse (even if it is true and I made the accusation indirectly by stating the facts).  The T is trying to keep my wife engaged in the therapy by validating my wife's feelings, so I cannot beat up on my wife too much in therapy, even though that is pretty much the primary venue in which I pushback on my wife's false narrative.

I hope that makes sense.  Let me know if it doesn't make sense, and I will try and reframe it for you from a different perspective, gojira.

Take care.

SD

[gojira]

Thank you, SaltyDawg,
The context really helps me understand it better, and I can see where the T was coming from. It's really difficult to listen to a false narrative, as you mentioned.

gojira