Adult BPD Daughter w Semi Controlled Epilepsy Move Back In?

[flow-sign]

My 21 yo daughter with BPD might move back in.  She is unable to drive due to stress levels from a string of bad choices over a long period of time. Not driving means she can't work where she is as the public transport is terrible and her situation doesn't qualify her for disability income. 

So the only place she can go is with me.  I live in a major city, have room, and there's a bus line with good public transportation.  She really wants to be better and independent and safe, and I want that for her too.  If she didn't have epilepsy I wouldnt let her move back in right now.  But she does, and it's stopping her from working whicheans she can't pay her rent, but food, etc.  She has another maybe month or two of cash. 

I'm scared to let her move back in as she was violent with me during a manic episode in the past, but that was five years ago and while she has a ton of work to do, she has also done a lot.  I'm more scared at this point of her becoming homeless without a car and unable to deive in a state where public transport is terrible or nonexistent, and she can't get the medical care she needs.  Being homeless means more stress, more seizures, and thos cause problems for people bc most folks don't recognize them.  People, including police, can be violent and cruel with things they don't understand.

So I guess what I'm asking is what helped any of you when you BPD child moved back in?  She's in college and is trying.  But there's lots of wrecks along the way.  I'm scared and feel so alone. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi flow-sign
I have read your post  few times now because I think there are really important general points you make. When we are looking at whether a bpd child can live with us there are so many individual factors. It is easier to decide it is not workable if an adult child has somewhere else to live, someone else to support them in the midst of their chaos.

The epilepsy is a big factor for sure. There are other things also. One is that you can see progress - which is great, the other is that the violent episode is a while back now - dd would have been about 16 or so? - an age when things can be escalated for a range of reasons.

In my case it took me too long to make  couple of important boundaries. I had to come to the position that a 'boundary' is something I need to have in place for myself. It has to be something you are willing to enforce. For me, my one solid boundary is that she can't bring friends home. So far I have stuck to this even when it is winter!

You both want  pathway to independence. Perhaps setting out the steps that are needed to achieve this - a sort of timeline? I imagine that stabilising the epilepsy would be step 1 because without that there is always uncertainty.

I think it is also important to anticipate possible difficulties and have a plan in your own head about how you would react in that situation. Personally I think it can be good to explain why you will respond this way if  . . . .

For example, I told my dd that I would not respond if she was raging at me because if I engaged with her it would increase her emotions and she needed time and space to allow her emotions to settle. I stuck to this and it has worked.

I am so glad you posted because this is a place where people understand the enormous difficulties of supporting a loved bpd child. We are faced with impossible options all the time. Here you are not alone.