Nice weekend has got me so sad

[Gerda]

I recently finished reading Splitting, which was recommended here. I told myself I would start working on writing down questions for lawyers, looking up ones to interview, gathering my documents, etc. after the holidays were over.

Then a couple of weekends ago the weather was nice before this big cold front was about to come, so my husband said we ought to go to the zoo. So we took our 4 year old daughter to the zoo and spent the entire day there... and had a wonderful time. We had the kind of weekend that made me want to have a family and kids in the first place.

And that's what finally emotionally broke me. That night after my husband and daughter were asleep, I just cried and cried. I don't think I've cried this much in years. Ironically I think I actually feel worse after that weekend than after all those weekends with the screaming and yelling fights.

I took several photos there with my daughter looking so joyous. It was like peering into an alternate reality where everything turned out OK.

My therapist reminded me of the "Is he really changing?" part of Why Does He Do That?, which she had me read a while ago. And no, he's not doing any of that. In fact, he just quit marriage counseling and said since we haven't had a fight in about three weeks that means everything's fine now.

[ForeverDad]

Literally everyone here on the separated/divorcing board recounts that their disordered spouse either refused therapy, whether personal or joint, or quit it after a few sessions.

Sorry, a few sessions only paper over the core issues, if even that.  Given time there will be a relapse back to the prior "comfort zone" of past behavior.  When dealing with something like BPD (whether diagnosed or not diagnosed but with BPD traits and behavior), therapy is not weeks or months, it is years and likely a lifetime.

For example, imagine you're blamed with something relatively minor such as procrastination.  That was one of my ex's triggers.  "Why did you take so long coming home?" My reply was. "You wanted me to go shopping for groceries." Unsaid was, "And it was so peaceful."

Back to procrastination.  It's more of an "acting in" matter.  Frustrating, yes.  But it's not overtly abusive like ranting, raging, terrorizing, hitting and throwing things are.  Yet many people find it is so very hard to change their patterns.  So now it is understandable why it is so hard for "acting out" persons (more harmful to others) to change.  But it doesn't excuse that person to ignore it, deny it or claim a few sessions undid a lifetime of perceptions and behavior.

[PeteWitsend]

I once had someone tell me that marriage counseling (MC) is really not helpful when one or both of the parties have personality disorders or a mental illness or other issue

MC generally helps with better communications and dispute resolution between partners, but it doesn't address or fix underlying issues. 

My experience with MC was that BPDxw would only go insofar as she was allowed to treat it as another "weapon" to attack me with.  If the counselor put a stop to that or called her out on her behavior, she'd actually start arguing with the counselor and refuse to go back.

As I see it, basically don't put too much stock in it, whether a BPD partner is going or not.  Maybe it can help temporarily reduce conflict or something, but meaningful change - i.e. a change in a partner's behavioral issues - are up to them to change; MC just "papers them over" as ForeverDad said. 

[PeteWitsend]

...

And that's what finally emotionally broke me. That night after my husband and daughter were asleep, I just cried and cried. I don't think I've cried this much in years. Ironically I think I actually feel worse after that weekend than after all those weekends with the screaming and yelling fights.

I took several photos there with my daughter looking so joyous. It was like peering into an alternate reality where everything turned out OK.

My therapist reminded me of the "Is he really changing?" part of Why Does He Do That?, which she had me read a while ago. And no, he's not doing any of that. In fact, he just quit marriage counseling and said since we haven't had a fight in about three weeks that means everything's fine now.

I would just accept & appreciate the good times as they are.  The happy memories are huge for your daughter; these are formative moments in her life.

I can understand feeling confused, but remember that sort of black/white thinking isn't realistic; you obviously had some good times with him before, or you wouldn't have married him.  But if you're mother was BPD perhaps you had a bit of a "blind spot" to that kind of behavior or made excuses for it early on.

Either way, he is who he is, and one good weekend doesn't invalidate everything else that's happened. 

If you're going through a pleasant spell in your marriage, maybe put your other preparations of and thoughts of divorce aside for now, and enjoy it.  Don't let your guard down though. 

[zondolit]

Gerda, The confusion you are feeling is so very normal in abusive relationships. You get a glimpse of what it could be, what it should be, and you want that so much. You feel so conflicted. You know he's not doing any of the changes you are looking for and yet. . . I agree it's worse than the outright fighting.

[Gerda]

I know on an intellectual level that he's not going to change. My therapist is the one who first gave me the idea that he might have BPD, and that's something that takes years of intense therapy to change.

She also had me read Why Does He Do That?, which is about abusive men in general, not necessarily ones that have a personality disorder. He's not diagnosed with BPD, but according to that book he's definitely abusive, and according to that book, even if it's "just" abusive and doesn't have a personality disorder, that ALSO takes years of intense therapy to change.

And he's not going to do that.

So knowing that, him acting nicely over the past couple of weeks, like the good husband and father I thought he was in the beginning, has got me feeling some intense grief. I guess back when he was getting worked up into a rage every weekend, at least I had a feeling of absolute certainty that getting out of this marriage ASAP was the right thing to do.

But now I'm back in a "Why can't he be like this all the time?" period, which I'm finding so much harder.

I also wonder if this relatively long period of peace is partially caused by me "giving up" on him. I've stopped trying to nag him or argue with him or explain things to him or reason with him or any of that stuff I used to do to try to get him to change because now I know he's not going to. He got into a bit of a rant the other day after he had a stressful day at work, and I mainly just sat there and didn't say anything. He got annoyed that I wasn't saying anything, but it's probably best that I didn't.

(Not only do I suspect he's a borderline, specifically I think he's a "petulant borderline." He's always going on and on about how hard his life is and how much better everyone else has it than him. I put up with that and even felt sorry for him for a long time, until our daughter was born and he turned it against me - starting to resent me and rant directly at me about how much easier my life is than his, how much harder he works than me, how I'm not "pulling [my] weight around here" and so on.)

[ForeverDad]

Many here remarked that having children changed the dynamic of the relationship and it worsened.  You went from a couple (2) to a family (3+).

[zondolit]

Gerda,

Everything you write makes sense.

I also wonder if this relatively long period of peace is partially caused by me "giving up" on him.

You "giving up" on him is a big change you have made, one that is not easy, and one that can come with a lot of mixed emotions not to mention mixed reactions from the husband.

I have been puzzling over the fact that it seems I count my progress in losses. Your post helped me articulate this. Thank you.

zondolit