New here and seeking advice

[Musemick5]

Hello, I have a 35 year old stepdaughter who I raised as my own from age eight.  She and I used to be close but her bio mom did her best to create an emotional rift between us before she moved in with us full time.  My daughter was an adult before she told me that her mother blamed her divorce from my husband on me.  I had no idea!  They were divorced two years before we ever met.
Now my daughter is married and has three daughters of her own.  I was deeply involved with the girls until the youngest (age 4) was born.  Since then it’s been a roller coaster of emotions.  Sometimes my daughter treats me like she treasures our relationship.  Then she will ghost me abruptly- no amount of calling or texting or reaching out will elicit a response.  This has happened a few times and the last time she promised me she would never do it again.  She did.  Thanksgiving all of my family and extended family were together and she seemed happy.  I haven’t heard a word from her since.  No pictures at Christmas. No weekly calls, no responses to my texts.  Nothing.  I even reached out to her husband who I have always gotten on well with and he ignored me too.  Now it seems the eldest grand is ignoring me as well.
I am lost.  Daughter is in therapy for anxiety and depression and also sees a psychiatrist.  To my knowledge she has not been diagnosed with BPD, but her mother was.  She meets so many of the criteria that I’m sure this is what she has.  Please help.  I don’t know where to turn as I’m retired and not sure I can afford therapy.  Though I feel I need it!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Musemick5
Thank you for posting. It seems unusual that signs of BPD have only emerged when sd is around 30 years of age. But I may well be wrong on that. I am wondering if there is something hormonal going on - although you say she seems to meet the criteria for BPD. Does sd blame you for things? Get angry? Perhaps a quiet form of BPD - particularly as her biological mum was formally diagnosed.

It is a really difficult situation for you. Things seem to have gone well until the birth of the youngest child. Am I correct in thinking what happens is that all seems okay then suddenly sd goes silent, doesn't respond to your approaches? And now this is extended to her husband and eldest child?

The husband and child could well be 'piggy in the middle' in that if sd is withdrawing, they feel they would be disloyal if they don't follow suit.

Since it comes and goes there doesn't seem to be an 'event' that has instigated the behaviour. It seems to go like this:

-everything seems normal and interaction fine
- sd stops communication
 - you try to open up communication (and try to understand what is happening)
- sd still doesn't communication
 - at some point sd does engage again

Can you tell me:
Is what is 'normal' regular contact eg weekly phone calls or visits etc?
does sd just not answer one of these regular attempts to connect?
how long do you leave it before you try to make contact again?
is there a 'usual' way that contact resumes eg does sd ring out of the blue and act as though nothing has happened?

SD is in therapy for anxiety and depression and sees a psychiatrist. What you describe seems more like depression to me - but I'm surely no expert!

I wonder if you would mind filling in a few details - the reason is that it is difficult to feel confident about what the cause of this behaviour could be. I don't want to assume and go into some approaches appropriate for BPD.

In either case it might help to go slowly, and directly to sd perhaps just with brief texts?

Thanks for posting and let us know what you think.

[Musemick5]

Can you tell me:
Is what is 'normal' regular contact eg weekly phone calls or visits etc?
Thank you for your response!  I do need to say that she has always, even as a child, had the defense mechanism of shutting us out when she perceives conflict.  So not all of this is new.  Last year she confided in me all that had been going on in her life.  She promised to make weekly phone calls every Friday to talk with me and that lasted three great weeks but then stopped around the holidays. She is a teacher and so was I, so we had much to talk about and I felt like things were at last back to normal.

does sd just not answer one of these regular attempts to connect?  That’s right.  She utterly ignores texts, mailed letters, phone calls.  I have a stack of Christmas presents for their family from myself, husband, mother, sister, and sons.  She lives a three hour drive from us so it’s not a quick dash over to take the gifts. Though our youngest son does attend college where she lives, so we make occasional trips to visit him.

how long do you leave it before you try to make contact again?  Yesterday I actually heard from her husband who told me only that she is having a “rough time” and needs space.  I.e. she needs me to not contact her.  I normally would reach out two or three times a week.

is there a 'usual' way that contact resumes eg does sd ring out of the blue and act as though nothing has happened?  It’s different every time.  This is the first time she has held out this long in not answering me.  I’d say typically it ends with a text apology of how she forgot to respond.  And then it’s like it never happened.  This time feels different because it’s gone on much longer and now the sil has asked me not to talk to her for a while.

[Sancho]

Hi Musemick5
Thanks for the answers and sorry I have been a while responding. Life hectic here but also have been mulling over your situation. It is complicated when there are clear co-morbidities ie the anxiety and depression.
Since a clear change occurred when the last child was born, I wonder if sd suffered PND after the birth and a form of this has continued and is difficult to manage. The fact that she sees the psychiatrist regularly could indicate that things are not stable.
When someone  is clinically depressed, the effort to do things can be just too much – even just a pleasant conversation. Avoiding and shutting down is a way of coping.
With BPD, withdrawing can be a way of control or they may pick up on the other person’s anxiety for them and can’t handle it.

In either case there is the enormous difficulty of how does communication resume? Some people did themselves into a hole and even when they are ready to communicate they don’t know how to or can’t bring themselves to make the first move.
Since sil has asked that you don’t contact you have to respect that. Have you responded to that as yet? I think the only thing you can do is to tell him to pass on a message from you that you hope things will improve, that you love them all and look forward to hearing from them.
I think there are many positive signs in the past for you to hold on to: first you seem to have had really good communication over the years – and her pattern of needing space has always been the case.
The other thing is that when there has been a withdrawal, sd has instigated a reconnection. This is a really important factor I think.
Let’s know how things are going. The gap in our lives when a loved child does not communicate is huge and our hearts are just so heavy with the silence and concern we have. Hold on to any positive you can at the moment and I hope sd is able to move through this tough time quickly.