So Many Cluster "B"s in my life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All. Thank you to all who are reading this now. I have come to find out, in short, that I have a lot of cluster b people in my life, some diagnosed (ASPD, NPD and BPD) and most recently came to the conclusion that my wife of 9 years has Quiet/High Functioning BPD. We are currently in marriage counseling, but I have had a private session with the therapist and told her what my concerns were with my wife and her possibly having BPD. She confirmed that is what it sounded like, and I broke down on the spot. 

Some brief history, I discovered a few years back my biz partner was diagnosed ASPD after moving my family to the state of which we conducted out business in 2020. Later that year I discovered his wife,(who I found out was cooking the books, falsifying tax records and embezzling $100,000's a year)  was diagnosed BPD. Her explosive anger and tempers around the office, in conjunction with her husband (ASPD/NPD) were horrendous and never showed this kind of behavior until after we moved down here.

While preparing for leaving my company, (mind you I was in therapy at that time for gaslighting trauma, betrayal trauma and adjustment disorder from leaving my company) I asked my wife to help out with bills and go back to work (she had been a stay at home mom for years and was supposed to go back to work when kiddo went to kindergarden the following year anyways). I knew the partners were going to screw me over financially with my buy out and that we would have to go to court, with no income coming in the front door and me having to start a new company from scratch, but not until after I left. She refused to go back to work, saying "this wasn't part of the plan, I'm not going back till next year, because that is what we agreed upon years ago" I explained that the situation changed and I needed to help for our family to survive. She refused. I then asked her to stop spending money and to only spend what was needed to survive. She then started screaming out of nowhere at me about how I don't appreciate all she does around the house and that she sees nothing wrong with the finances and will continue to spend the money, as if we had already received the buy out money from the company sale.

A month later after no progress on her curbing spending, I asked her to only buy the kid a small something for Xmas and to exclude all adults, just something small for the kids in the family. She then turned around and screamed in my face (in front of the child as well) that I didn't;t appreciate how much time and effort she put into buying peoples xmas presents and that it could be her fathers last christmas. I said buy him a small something as well and leave it at that. She agreed, then continued to buy something for everyone who bought us a gift that year, regardless of me having asked to curb the spending. I admittedly after this, stuck my head in the sand about the financials and just focused on the lawsuit and starting the new company (btw got stupidly lucky and got 2 contracts with the first week out of the gate...stupidly lucky and we would have lost the house if it weren't for the two people who had known me for years, giving me some consulting work).

On top of all of this she is harping on me to get my testosterone checked at the doctors as I don't have sex with her anymore. The reason being of course is something from years of widdling my down, saying weird things like, "You told me you were going to make $10000 a month on this new company when we started dating, and I have yet to see that"...multiple times throughout the years just randomly saying something like that. But also when we were trying to get pregnant she was armament about her knowing everything i put in my body, and that she wanted me "seed" to be as pure as possible. I gave up smoking, weed, alcohol, I could not take any insomnia meds (which is why I was using weed) and I could not have an anti depressants (reason I was smoking). She also required me to have sex with her 2-3 times a day. If I was not in the mood, she would either continuously groping me or would start crying (as if that helped me achieve an erection...which is DOES NOT). One night I was having a panic attack and just wanted to go to bed. She said she was ovulating and I needed to have sex with her now. I said Im not in a good place right now and don't want to. She kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing, while I kept saying no, no no. To the point where all of a sudden something snapped in her and she just grabbed my dick and would not stop grabbing it, trying to force it hard, all while balling her eyes out crying and screaming, PLEASE I NEED THIS, PLEASE ILL DO ALL THE WORK PLEASE" While the entire time I am just so overwhelmed with what the hell is going on, I scream repeatedly no, get off me now. and i physically had to remove her and left the room, while she laid on the bed screaming and crying. We never spoke of that night again. Until it started giving me panic attacks every time she tried to initiate sex from there on. I discussed this with her and she made a joke about it, when I told her behavior was a little "Rapey". She then would refer to "sexy time" as "rape rape" for the next few years. I told her I was not a fan of that, but she continued.

After we finally had a kid (3 miscarriages, and 3 IUI treatments later) she would repeatedly push for the next child. I refused. She said she was not going to go back on BC. She would overly grope me for years, to the point where she was groping me in front of the child, our daughter, where our daughter thought it was a game, and would scream, tickle daddy's crotch and come after me, mimicking what her mother would do, and I ALWAYS denied the grope, saying I didn't like that and stop doing it in front of the kid. It's not appropriate. She would do it in front of the kid, she would do it while I was driving us somewhere (as a FAMILY) and I would always swat it away and say for her to stop it. She never listened. Up until a year ago, where she told me "I needed to get myself looked at and tested, as I should want to have sex with her more, and that she needed more sex and needs it everyday to "fill up her happy tank". I stopped having sex all together with her that day. Not that were were really having it anyways, as I didn't want to for years now, based on how she acted. I have not had sex with her or anybody else since Sept '22.

After this past spring, where she randomly told me, "Not sure if we are going to make it" While we are watching a romantic comedy, then she went silent treatment for the rest of the evening. All throughout this time I have always tried to bend over backwards her her needs, the signs had always been there, but I didn't know what to look for. Now that I do, I am honestly terrified of what's going to happen when I tell her that her actions caused me some sexual trauma and need EMDR therapy for, as well asking for a divorce. BTW I am pretty sure her mother has it as well, and her brother may have AVPD. Her mother is divorced, due to "similar issues from what i heard from my FIL". She has a house full of cats, fleas, refuses to get the fleas removed from the house, which my wife goes, "well I guess we can't fix that" and puts out daughter into long sleeve shirts, pants, and knee high socks, in a house in a warm climate, the thermostat is at 80f all the time, in order to avoid her getting bit up while playing or staying a grandmas house.

Suffice to say I am burnt out on multiple levels and this is VERY MUCH the cliff notes version, as there are many more examples and stories, but honestly I think this is good enough for the first post. I just want to make sure that the marriage counselor is able to help her get diagnosed (if that's what she has) and get the help needed, so she can continue to be a good parent to our daughter (and be able to shield my daughter away from that as much as possible. Thanks!

[boundriesrus]

Hi All. Thank you to all who are reading this now. I have come to find out, in short, that I have a lot of cluster b people in my life, some diagnosed (ASPD, NPD and BPD) and most recently came to the conclusion that my wife of 9 years has Quiet/High Functioning BPD. We are currently in marriage counseling, but I have had a private session with the therapist and told her what my concerns were with my wife and her possibly having BPD. She confirmed that is what it sounded like, and I broke down on the spot. 

Some brief history, I discovered a few years back my biz partner was diagnosed ASPD after moving my family to the state of which we conducted out business in 2020. Later that year I discovered his wife,(who I found out was cooking the books, falsifying tax records and embezzling $100,000's a year)  was diagnosed BPD. Her explosive anger and tempers around the office, in conjunction with her husband (ASPD/NPD) were horrendous and never showed this kind of behavior until after we moved down here.

While preparing for leaving my company, (mind you I was in therapy at that time for gaslighting trauma, betrayal trauma and adjustment disorder from leaving my company) I asked my wife to help out with bills and go back to work (she had been a stay at home mom for years and was supposed to go back to work when kiddo went to kindergarden the following year anyways). I knew the partners were going to screw me over financially with my buy out and that we would have to go to court, with no income coming in the front door and me having to start a new company from scratch, but not until after I left. She refused to go back to work, saying "this wasn't part of the plan, I'm not going back till next year, because that is what we agreed upon years ago" I explained that the situation changed and I needed to help for our family to survive. She refused. I then asked her to stop spending money and to only spend what was needed to survive. She then started screaming out of nowhere at me about how I don't appreciate all she does around the house and that she sees nothing wrong with the finances and will continue to spend the money, as if we had already received the buy out money from the company sale.

A month later after no progress on her curbing spending, I asked her to only buy the kid a small something for Xmas and to exclude all adults, just something small for the kids in the family. She then turned around and screamed in my face (in front of the child as well) that I didn't;t appreciate how much time and effort she put into buying peoples xmas presents and that it could be her fathers last christmas. I said buy him a small something as well and leave it at that. She agreed, then continued to buy something for everyone who bought us a gift that year, regardless of me having asked to curb the spending. I admittedly after this, stuck my head in the sand about the financials and just focused on the lawsuit and starting the new company (btw got stupidly lucky and got 2 contracts with the first week out of the gate...stupidly lucky and we would have lost the house if it weren't for the two people who had known me for years, giving me some consulting work).

On top of all of this she is harping on me to get my testosterone checked at the doctors as I don't have sex with her anymore. The reason being of course is something from years of widdling my down, saying weird things like, "You told me you were going to make $10000 a month on this new company when we started dating, and I have yet to see that"...multiple times throughout the years just randomly saying something like that. But also when we were trying to get pregnant she was armament about her knowing everything i put in my body, and that she wanted me "seed" to be as pure as possible. I gave up smoking, weed, alcohol, I could not take any insomnia meds (which is why I was using weed) and I could not have an anti depressants (reason I was smoking). She also required me to have sex with her 2-3 times a day. If I was not in the mood, she would either continuously groping me or would start crying (as if that helped me achieve an erection...which is DOES NOT). One night I was having a panic attack and just wanted to go to bed. She said she was ovulating and I needed to have sex with her now. I said Im not in a good place right now and don't want to. She kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing, while I kept saying no, no no. To the point where all of a sudden something snapped in her and she just grabbed my dick and would not stop grabbing it, trying to force it hard, all while balling her eyes out crying and screaming, PLEASE I NEED THIS, PLEASE ILL DO ALL THE WORK PLEASE" While the entire time I am just so overwhelmed with what the hell is going on, I scream repeatedly no, get off me now. and i physically had to remove her and left the room, while she laid on the bed screaming and crying. We never spoke of that night again. Until it started giving me panic attacks every time she tried to initiate sex from there on. I discussed this with her and she made a joke about it, when I told her behavior was a little "Rapey". She then would refer to "sexy time" as "rape rape" for the next few years. I told her I was not a fan of that, but she continued.

After we finally had a kid (3 miscarriages, and 3 IUI treatments later) she would repeatedly push for the next child. I refused. She said she was not going to go back on BC. She would overly grope me for years, to the point where she was groping me in front of the child, our daughter, where our daughter thought it was a game, and would scream, tickle daddy's crotch and come after me, mimicking what her mother would do, and I ALWAYS denied the grope, saying I didn't like that and stop doing it in front of the kid. It's not appropriate. She would do it in front of the kid, she would do it while I was driving us somewhere (as a FAMILY) and I would always swat it away and say for her to stop it. She never listened. Up until a year ago, where she told me "I needed to get myself looked at and tested, as I should want to have sex with her more, and that she needed more sex and needs it everyday to "fill up her happy tank". I stopped having sex all together with her that day. Not that were were really having it anyways, as I didn't want to for years now, based on how she acted. I have not had sex with her or anybody else since Sept '22.

After this past spring, where she randomly told me, "Not sure if we are going to make it" While we are watching a romantic comedy, then she went silent treatment for the rest of the evening. All throughout this time I have always tried to bend over backwards her her needs, the signs had always been there, but I didn't know what to look for. Now that I do, I am honestly terrified of what's going to happen when I tell her that her actions caused me some sexual trauma and need EMDR therapy for, as well asking for a divorce. BTW I am pretty sure her mother has it as well, and her brother may have AVPD. Her mother is divorced, due to "similar issues from what i heard from my FIL". She has a house full of cats, fleas, refuses to get the fleas removed from the house, which my wife goes, "well I guess we can't fix that" and puts out daughter into long sleeve shirts, pants, and knee high socks, in a house in a warm climate, the thermostat is at 80f all the time, in order to avoid her getting bit up while playing or staying a grandmas house.

Suffice to say I am burnt out on multiple levels and this is VERY MUCH the cliff notes version, as there are many more examples and stories, but honestly I think this is good enough for the first post. I just want to make sure that the marriage counselor is able to help her get diagnosed (if that's what she has) and get the help needed, so she can continue to be a good parent to our daughter (and be able to shield my daughter away from that as much as possible. Thanks!

[SinisterComplex]

Welcome to the fam 

You picked a good place to seek out support. We will have your back here. I've read your story here...I mean quite honestly there are no easy words to say. Right now instead of providing advice I am just going to let you know we are here listening and paying attention. Please continue to engage with the membership at large. I'll check back in on you once you had a little bit more interaction.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[kells76]

Hi boundriesrus and

You've certainly been through a lot. I know what you mean about realizing that there are many disordered people in your life -- it'd be nice to catch a break from the disorder somewhere.

Just a few questions from me to better understand your situation:

-how old is your daughter?

-have you successfully left the company? Are you employed right now somewhere else? Has your W gone back to work yet?

-have you been able to get support and therapy for the incident where your W assaulted you? If so, how has that been?

-how is your W's relationship with the marriage counselor? Does your W seem to listen to the MC?

Hope that's not too much for starters. Really glad you found us, and again, welcome;

kells76

[boundriesrus]

Hi boundriesrus and

You've certainly been through a lot. I know what you mean about realizing that there are many disordered people in your life -- it'd be nice to catch a break from the disorder somewhere. Amen

Just a few questions from me to better understand your situation:

-how old is your daughter? Just turned 6.

-have you successfully left the company? Are you employed right now somewhere else? Has your W gone back to work yet? Yes I left in Aug of 2022, started a new company 2 weeks later and had contracts signed the next day for contract consulting/design work. Still no resolution on the lawsuit and they r still holding up my buy out in order to try and get me to run out of money so I cave into what ever they are willing to give me on whatever terms. (No NON compete, NDA or Non solicit in the OA, and of course they are trying to force that now that i left, since they thought they had control over me fully...they were wrong.) Wife has finally gone back to work almost 18 months after I asked her to and only really started looking hard after I told her I wasn't happy in the relationship back in July of this year. The company is limping along as new projects are taking some time to get off the ground, and the products I am trying to launch myself take money...of which is going to keeping the roof above our heads and legal fees and credit card debt. Figure low 6 figures by now of debt, not including the house. I design specialty LED products for a living, so i you know someone LOL.

-have you been able to get support and therapy for the incident where your W assaulted you? If so, how has that been?
 I have been in Therapy since Spring of 2021 when it started getting bad at home and at work. Being treated for Gaslighting Trauma, Betrayal type trauma, adjustment disorder, and now sexual trauma. Been feeling better since I started focusing all the anger towards working out and eating better. Down 40lbs now and in the best shape I have been in my adult life, in under 6 months.
-how is your W's relationship with the marriage counselor? Does your W seem to listen to the MC? She does listen, but we haven't had a joint session since early Sept of last year. I had my individual session with the marriage counselor around Halloween, where I dumped EVERYTHING onto her and broke down crying and hysterically laughing when she confirmed all of that sounded like my wife could have BPD, but she would need more time to get into it with her. But she knows I plan on asking for a divorce this year. At this point I am trying to make sure she doesn't get diagnosed (and get her the help she needs) because I know she will go off the deep end when I tell her that main reason I do not want to have sex with her anymore is because of her actions, and my inability at the time to set stronger boundaries and explain to her what she did crossed a line. I have always been walking on eggshells when it comes to her self esteem issues for YEARS, and I can't carry that burden anymore. I just wrote another paragraph of a rant, but figured I need to just let it go, and deleted it. I just can't believe this is what life would bring me.

Hope that's not too much for starters. Really glad you found us, and again, welcome; Thank you for responding and for this wonderful community of people who have gone thru similar things or worse. A few friends of mine are also going thru nasty divorces and they are claiming their ex-wives also have BPD and they never noticed the red flags until why took a step back and realized what was going on. and starting to realize where it came from...Mom is in town visiting and I told her about the Stepford wife behavior and how creepy it was. Her response "What's the problem? She's acting how you want, so problem solved. What's wrong with that? Your father has been yelling at me for years, and you see Im still here. I used to hear my mother in law scream at my FIL for years upstairs and he would always take her PLEASE READ and never push back, I felt so sorry for him (my dads parents) (she talks about divorcing him at least once a week for decades now...and she also yells at my father to for no reason, they both do it to each other). Something new to unload in therapy this week. UGH. Parents are giving me loans for lawyers right now and dad is working another year to help pay for it. He officially retired last year, but is doing side work to help with legal and stuff for time being.

kells76

[boundriesrus]

Welcome to the fam 

You picked a good place to seek out support. We will have your back here. I've read your story here...I mean quite honestly there are no easy words to say. Right now instead of providing advice I am just going to let you know we are here listening and paying attention. Please continue to engage with the membership at large. I'll check back in on you once you had a little bit more interaction.

In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you very much! Just another day in paradise. LOL

[Gerda]

Some of us do seem to attract these folks.

I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, my ex-boyfriend had Narcissistic PD, and my current husband has a mixture of BPD/NPD traits.

My therapist thinks my mom sort of "normalized" this type of behavior for me, so when romantic partners started acting in a similar way, I didn't realize what huge red flags they were.

It was my therapist who first suggested that my husband might have BPD. A previous therapist is the one that said he thought my mom has BPD. When my current therapist said my husband might have it too, I thought, "Gosh, does EVERYONE have personality disorders or what?"

But I'm learning about some personality traits of my own that might actually attract people with PD's. Read a book that calls me "codependent," another that described me as a "caretaker", and another that described me as an "internalizer." But anyway, the overall theme seems to be blaming myself for what other people do, so I put up with things in relationships that other people wouldn't tolerate.

[boundriesrus]

Sorry Gerda. I am also starting to realize this pattern as well. I am thinking my mother may possibly have BPD/NPD...not really sure. I know for sure my grandmother had it (dad's mom) and my sister most likely has it. I try and reason with my mom on it and want my sister to get help, but she keeps saying "she used to do the same stuff when she was her age" and that is not helping the argument. But call her out as being like her MIL (now passed)...and she does NOT like that comparison and thinks she is nothing like her. Which in many ways is true...but why does my father put up with her constantly belittling him or blaming him for everything. I know my father has had issues with his temper while growing up, but these days I now wonder what he would have been like if his mother, wife and daughter were not (most likely, but no diagnosed) as BPD. I don't know if he would be the same person, both good and bad qualities. If course I can;t discuss this with mom, as she always responds "you always take his side" or "its always MY fault, just blame me for everything that went wrong in your childhood, you know your father wasn't exactly a peach to be with all these years"

I even asked my father these questions last week when I saw him last. I told him the things my wife says to me, he says "Your mother says the same thing to me all the time, best to just leave it be"...and that was my dawning moment...I had been conditioned to think like this and accept this as normal behavior...for everyone that is listening...ITS NOT!!!! Take a stance and defend yourself. No one else will do it for you. It's very empowering and takes a LOT of courage to stand up to your bullies in life. I hope that everyone who reads this, one day, finds that same strength as I have the past 2 years. Do not let your emotions cloud your judgement...case in point, look at what it does to a person, when that is all you do listen to.... your emotions. Be the one who is in control. I know you can and will. When in doubt, look into your childs eyes and find strength there. Tell yourself you want a better life for them, as well as yourself. But you can only help your child, if you help yourself first. Just like the O2 masks on an airplane.

[PearlsBefore]

"when I told her behavior was a little "Rapey"."

Yeah, my ex actually told the POLICE that same story basically not even realising she wasn't the hero - she is going off about how she needs sex 2-3/day to get pregnant (because I can't religiously divorce her while pregnant but she knows I'm looking for an off-ramp) and....to her mind...sometimes to "be mean" I'll refuse to have sex with her thus "forcing" her to force me (she's not small and quite violent, but yeah mostly just how you describe getting on top and really trying and failing to achieve much). Similarly she'd also try to have sex in front of the kids - I think she saw herself in competition with the kids for my "love" - and was unable to separate out the different meanings.

This is a good time to remember that the reason these people can suck a golfball through a garden hose and thus ensnare and keep partners longer than rational is often because they grew up deprived of basic Maslow needs except as could be secured through trading access to their bodies, etc. They only know how to lay you like their life depended on it, because for years everything DID depend on that ability. "Crazy in the head, crazy to bed" is certainly tragically true in these cases.

Anyways, getting off alcohol and weed was undoubtedly good for you; though likely your SSRIs should be taken again if still necessary.

[15years]

I don't want to have sex with my wife either, mostly because I know it will become complicated no matter how much I try to be a perfect lover. A quickie before going to sleep when it's already late - surely we'll be awake still 2-3 hours later. And it will be my fault for stalling, but if I suggest that we start straight away - she will tell me a woman needs foreplay.

Or she suddenly feels that I'm not there for it wholeheartedly and pushes me of in the middle of the act...

Or days later she says how she didn't appreciate our last intercourse, that I was taking advantage of her somehow....

Complicated and complex in short. Better to listen to the guilt tripping and blaming for not fulfilling my duties. But she does attack me physically for that reason too. Not that I wouldn't get that reaction too even if I gave it all to satisfy her.


It's very complicated to be in this position as a man somehow. Not easy to feel like a victim. I'm not sure if that's because of our culture or because of the nature of the male-female relationship and our bodies.

[boundriesrus]

Sorry 15 years I can imagine how rough that is for you and what you are dealing with. It is very much double standard in todays society, which is why I never really spoke to anyone about it, until it blurted out in a therapy session when I was going off on a rant about my NPD and BPD biz partners (married, go figure) and that popped out. I didn't address it for a few months after that, but when it did first pop out I saw the look of horror and disgust on my therapists face and that said it all to me. He thanked me for sharing that with him as he knows that must have hurt.

 I know a lot more people have had it way worse than myself. My heart goes out to everyone of you. I still find it silly and stupid sometimes that, 1, this even happened, 2 that it was from my wife of all people (the hallmark xmas movie loving, gives food to the homeless in the park, sunday school teaching person). It all breaks down to they have a disease that they themselves generally can't see, and there is ALOT of work to be done if they can accept the diagnosis and do the work to get better in therapy.

[Tangled mangled]

Sorry 15 years I can imagine how rough that is for you and what you are dealing with. It is very much double standard in todays society, which is why I never really spoke to anyone about it, until it blurted out in a therapy session when I was going off on a rant about my NPD and BPD biz partners (married, go figure) and that popped out. I didn't address it for a few months after that, but when it did first pop out I saw the look of horror and disgust on my therapists face and that said it all to me. He thanked me for sharing that with him as he knows that must have hurt.

 I know a lot more people have had it way worse than myself. My heart goes out to everyone of you. I still find it silly and stupid sometimes that, 1, this even happened, 2 that it was from my wife of all people (the hallmark xmas movie loving, gives food to the homeless in the park, sunday school teaching person). It all breaks down to they have a disease that they themselves generally can't see, and there is ALOT of work to be done if they can accept the diagnosis and do the work to get better in therapy.

@Bounderies
You have been through some really horrible experiences though.
I can’t imagine the horror of having to deal with what you have experienced around sex in front of your child.


My ex too had this entitlement to sex like I was an adult pacifier and he seemed to care little about our young children walking in on us.
I hope you continue to do well in therapy and to safely navigate this awful mess.

Despite the horrible experiences of survivors I continue to be amazed at the humour in some of these stories.

I had a good chuckle reading about your wife walking around like a main character in a hallmark movie . It brought back memories for me too, I remember mine used to be very grandiose the night after..

And Gerda’s description of being paid by her husband…that blew my mind .

Thank you for sharing your story here.

[boundriesrus]

@tangled mangled

I completely get it! LOL I used to perform stand up comedy in college, so I do through some of my jaded humor behind this in order for me to deal with these crazy situations. Since I was not very experienced in the dating game before having gotten married, I am beginning to think more and more that I never got the chance to figure out those red flags earlier on, like how some of my friends did, who were "serial daters". O well...lesson learned I guess.

The truly crazy feeling about all of this...for me at least... is seeing them not realize what they are doing is "crazy" and how they can believe that some of the behavior they do, is supposed to be ok? She talks endlessly for years about not wanting to be a in toxic marriage, doesn't want to fight and scream about things, and given her last marriage (supposedly) was a lot of that (and we both grew up in that type of household) about not repeating it. She has screamed at me for some of the stupidest reasons, in a manner of which, if I had screamed at her like that...she would be gone the next day and it would be all my fault.

It's amazing what happens when we take a step back and look at things with a clearer picture.