I am the target of DIL's BPD black-and-white splitting

[Joyful Noise]

mod note: split from thread Future DIL - I'm very concerned for better visibility and more responses

Heart sinking here as I read this.  ~How it starts..

We are ahead of you in this saga: adult son, now married (entrapped via intentional pregnancy at age 22, as he was in the process of exiting the relationship. - He had moved out six months before this event but then went back.

Imposed Isolation:
Those signs of my son being isolated, from ALL of his life-long friends, from his sisters -and finally from me, his mom, STARTED in the second year of their dating relationship during college.
NOTE: The progression of isolating demands/behaviors coming from the pwPBD, to their targeted person does not happen all at once. Its insidious.  -If it were more abrupt, we would not doubt our observations so much.. -Don't second-guess your gut on this.

The Beginning:
Early in their dating relationship, my daughters; very distressed, kept telling me that they were not allowed to talk with/interact with their brother when they were all visiting at their father's house, while the pwBPD GF was there.   It progressed to the point that their brother would be made to immediately leave with his pwPBD GF in order to curtail the contact between him and his sisters.  
-My daughters and son had always had close, friendly, supportive relationships so, his sisters were quite upset and alarmed by this development.  -As I had not witnessed this (she did not do it in front of me: dual-household family) and I had never heard of such a thing, I kept trying to dismiss it. I chalked it up to his sisters being too sensitive. I deeply regret that now.. It did concern me but it baffled me even more. -A little denial can go a long way..

Long-story short:
There were a whole lot of warning flags along the way. But, having never encountered BPD before, I didn't understand what I/we were looking at. It presents a very complicated picture. I felt confused by what I was seeing. I was deeply concerned. And I worked hard to keep a positive spin on things, in my own head (that's called denial..) . I treated her like a possible, future third daughter. I went out of my way to welcome her into our family and home. -And things just got progressively worse (and more confusing).

They dated for three years; a very high-conflict relationship. That, in itself horrified me.  
Then my son was given an ultimatum to ask her to marry him; sooo young: 21 and 22 yrs old -and the relationship so NOT grounded in a healthy beginning.
As his mother, I was scared for my son but was working very hard not to issue orders, etc.  He literally came home twice to talk with me about the situation, saying he did not want to lose her but was not ready to get married, "to her -or anyone" at that point. It was heartbreaking to listen to him SAY OUT LOUD how he KNEW this was not a good situation -and then to watch him fall compliantly in-line with her demands a few weeks later.  -This became the pattern: he would demonstrate awareness that he was being manipulated against his better judgement -and then, he would give in.

The End Result:
We; his sisters and I, have completely lost him: zero contact allowed (one sister sees him once per year). The majority of my son's pwBPD spouse's rage is aimed at me.  
-She got pregnant to keep him from walking away (he had moved out; second time he had exited the relationship). He said he needed to do the right thing for the baby and go back. I was proud of him for that, in the midst of being broken-hearted for him.  He looked suicidal for days before he left.

I was told by her that I "would never have a relationship with the baby (my first grandchild). Unknown to any of us, they got married at the Court House. The family was informed a week later. We were all so hurt.  Our son had his young-adult years taken from him and was effectively moved into "middle-age"
He was isolated to an extreme from everyone and everything he had known.

They have been married for over five years now. They had a second child during this time.  I have still not been allowed to meet either of my grandchildren and my son is not allowed to have a relationship with me (he is not even allowed to talk on the phone with me without suffering repercussions at home.)

As the parent in this situation (mom of adult child), I can tell you that losing your adult child to a BPD spouse like this is a form of a walking-death. I do not know how else to describe the pain.   -I saw my son for the first time in five years, last spring, for about twenty minutes (he lives 15 minutes from me).  He is living in a hostage situation.  Unprompted, he said he does not know or see anyone he used to know/grew up with. He is not allowed contact with friends. His job has an alternating work schedule so he is home with his young children for four days a week. That's a whole lot of social isolation.

When I saw him last spring for those 20 minutes (I just got in my car and drove to their house unannounced), he kept asking if I was OK; had I been OK (over that half decade..). I was/am so traumatized by all of this that I could not respond. -I kept thinking it was a trick question; HOW could I have been OK with losing him to this kind of situation?!  I was literally rendered mute. He was fighting back tears. I stepped forward and we hugged. I was then able to whisper, "I don't think this has been any easier for you than it's been for me."  He held onto me and cried as he nodded yes.    

For a few months we were texting. There were a few nice phone calls. It was wonderful!  -And then, it blew up again just before Christmas and the wall came down. I never got to meet my grandchildren and my son, who had asked several times if we could do get-togethers (his words), has again blocked me on social media and phone. We are back at square one -or worse.  -It feels like a replay of those earlier times when he would step out of the fog, into being his old self -and then he would be removed; whisked back behind a curtain; just gone.
-And, I am again the "bad guy"; the target of the DIL's  BPD black-and-white splitting.

So, I hope I am completely wrong but, you sound exactly like I did back when they were dating in college.
It's hard to figure out where to stand, as the mom of a newly adult child; how to talk with them about their choices in partners, how close in to come or how quiet to remain as they show you possible red flags. It's even harder if you are single parenting as the only engaged parent.

Get professional support NOW from a therapist who specializes in BPD.
Its real. It's complicated. And the impact can be devastating for the whole family.

Prayers to you.


 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Joyful Noise,

My heart breaks for you. BPD is so confusing when you don't know what you're dealing with. It's hard to put into words. Parts of it seem within the realm of normal, then everything is upside down, like living in a parallel universe.

I have a stepdaughter with BPD, and an ex-husband with BPD. It presents in different ways.

My ex split his parents black when I met him. He convinced me they were disrespectful to me and said it was unacceptable, and the next thing I knew there was no contact. It was so abrupt it took me by surprise, and to this day I still can't puzzle together what happened, probably because there was no there there.

But I went along with it because I felt trapped. My son was born and I send BPDx's parents the birth announcement, and when my ex discovered this he raged for months, which ended with us moving to another state to put more distance between his parents and us.

BPDx seemed to like his parents attempt to stay in touch, even though he didn't respond and critiqued their messages. If their goal was to build a bridge back into BPD land so they could meet their grandson, I think where things went sideways is that they rehashed the injury and didn't send notes that were relatively light and non-committal. There's all kinds of BPD-related emotional reasons why that approach would have a higher chance of bearing fruit, but of course, we get injured too and have needs too. Unfortunately, with splitting it can be challenging to get our emotional needs met because of the strangeness of how splitting works.

When my former in-laws made contact, they wrote things to my ex like "Really miss you, we love you" which was good. But there were also sentiments like "this is hard on your mother, why are you doing this to your mother, we haven't seen our grandson, etc." For a few years they sent little gifts and cards for birthdays and holidays, but this trickled off.

There's no silver bullet and it's possible your DIL has comorbidities that complicate things further. I guess I'm ever hopeful that lived experience will help someone find a path back into an estranged relationship.

I seem to have BPD patterns in my family of origin too and had to do something similar so I could find a way back into the fold after a 7-year estrangement. It was surreal to ignore what had happened. I texted that (my current nonBPD) H and I would be in the area and did they want to go for a walk or join us for dinner. Not a word was said about the 7 years of estrangement. My father ignored me for most of the night but I could see he was struggling with emotions when we showed up at their condo.

Like you said in your post, getting support from a therapist is so important. It really helped me figure out what the limits were to that relationship and to be real about them. And I learned how to keep myself safe with both non-verbal and verbal boundaries. I spend very little time with them, have no expectation that they will be interested in my life, and make no efforts to develop an intimate, authentic relationship, which my father in particular finds very threatening.

What's odd is that the less intimacy I demonstrate, the more vulnerability my father demonstrates. I just make sure not to mistake that for reciprocity because if I do, he seems to get scared and feel the need to lash out in order to reset the emotional distance.

It's not a satisfying relationship but I guess we do these things in order to get a toehold to something bigger that matters. For me, it's preferable to have a 2-dimensional, strained relationship than no relationship at all. Everyone has a different threshold and it's understandable when someone decides to go no contact or low contact if it means healing.

Whatever happens, I hope your son finds his way back to you one day. 

[irunforwine]

I just read my life.I am so sorry for you.  You are the first person on this site who actually has what appears the exact same type of situation.  It's been seven years for us, and she recently pulled down that curtain over the Christmas holiday.  Unlike you I was given the opportunity to know and come to love my granddaughter before her mother decided to pull her out of our lives.  I am miserable.  I just don't know how to deal with a person who has this mental illness.  I've neverf dealt with a person like that.

I hate if you, and for your son.  I hate it for everyone that has to deal with it.  I don't get how, in my mind, this BPD person can be so evil, mean, manipulating, controlling, divisive, unforgiving,... but in her mind, we are the problem.  I see my son's unhappiness, I see the stress of the relationship on him.  He once was so fun, so carefree. 

The thing with us is we have NEVER gotten to know her, never even knew her family dynamics, nothing about her.  We have only seen the evil that she shows us and yet we are supposed to love her.  And seeing how she hurts my son kills me.   I cannot stop being a mom and worry about my son (hes 35), because we all want our children to be happy and healthy and live a good life.  Before he married her I told him that his person was out there, she wasn't it.  He even had doubts about marrying her, and his dad said don't do it.  SMH 

One day, I pray, that God will open his eyes and let him see.  I also pray for God to help me understand his plan for us and why we have to suffer this. 

[Joyful Noise]

Thanks to both of you for your responses to my post.   Saddened anyone is going through the fallout of a BPD relationship rolling back at them via an adult child.. 

In an effort to understand exactly WHAT it is that I am facing via my son's BPD-engineered estrangement from me, his mom, I spent hours this week listening to high-level psychology talks on UTube about what BPD is and how the intimate partner relationship dynamics work. I learned a whole lot. And I have come away from it with a clearer head (but still a broken heart).

Today, I am feeling pretty creeped out by the whole thing (all that I learned this week): it's just so unhealthy, all the way around (what an understatement here!). And rather than getting to just enjoy a fun association with -or normal, positive thoughts about my adult son and his current life, I feel I've been sucked into the undertow; this stew of bizarre psychological constructs that is BPD.

I could never have become a therapist b/c of this sensitivity on my part (and yet recognize that "weakness" would have actually helped me be a very good one).  And, I "get" that the self-education of this week is necessary if I am to learn HOW to respond to events in the future (should the future arrive).   

I have little to no compulsion to rehash the past with those two (yes, I am angry). 
I AM prepared to apologize (for whatever/everything/anything) if it will pave the way to some kind of contact with my son and have said so in a prior text: "I look forward to the opportunity to apologize to both of you, in person,  for anything I may have said or done that caused hurt."   -The point being; the BPD stage drama looks sooo similar, from case to case that I am grateful if there ARE stock responses that will WORK.  Tell me where to stand and how to breath and I'll do it!  -I am a big girl and a functioning adult. Playing a game that offers me the opportunity to HAVE a relationship with my adult son -and to meet and get to know my grandchildren, is a no-brainer. So, yes, keeping it all in the present moment is an easy thing for me to do.  -I just hope I get the opportunity do this.

BPD is full-on, cookie-cutter, crazyland so, why give it every neuron I've got if it's so repetitive, from case-to-case, as it appears to be?   -Those vids listened to, for all those hours this week, have shown me what the PBD dance steps are, what the co-dependent partner is bringing to their own demise in this situation and the reality that it is a horrific mental illness: a nut not easily cracked. 

If knowledge is power (it is), the clarity emerging from that knowledge, regarding WHAT I am looking at, is the gift that sets me free.  -Not free of grieving but free to be still, free to surrender to the fact that there really is not a thing in this world I can do.  -I have learned what NOT to do and that's a big step forward in protecting my own sanity and peace.   --And, of course, I still get to cry when those waves roll in. 

I feel as though my son has been engulfed in a dark situation; I "see" it.   And, I can feel real anger at him, for not standing up for himself..   -I, too, saw on his face ten months ago how utterly worn down he is.   -And then, the wall goes back up as that other voice (the BPD's script) comes through him, to me; the cycle of hope extended is then ripped away, repeating itself. 

[Notwendy]

I watched my father go in and out of that "trance" with my BPD mother as if he was under some kind of magic spell. It's the oddest thing. BPD mother did not like his family and it was mutual- but they also kept quiet about their feelings ( I only knew this later as an adult).

Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand these dynamics. BPD mother takes victim position and Dad was rescuer. She sees people as being on her side or not her side- and the "not her side" becomes the persecutor in this situation. For them to be in this dynamic, someone or someting has to be the persecutor. There were times, we kids were in that position. It didn't take much - sometimes the smallest slight was considered to be a big "transgression" with her.

I think you are on to something by appealing to your DIL's feelings, not the facts- because- feelings and facts are the same to them in general. What you are considering is a long run approach- apologize and say nothing critcal about her, not the short term issue as feelings change frequently. Be less reactive to what she says. The "rule" in my family growing up was to act as if BPD mother was normal, and as if nothing she did was ever an issue. Breaking that rule was unacceptable. I used to watch her family praise and flatter her. It sounded odd to me, but they knew somehow she needed to hear a lot of validation.

There is no way to predict how things will go but I hope in time there will be more connection for you. In my family, as we kids got older, that became more of a challenge to BPD mother. Older kids are asserting themselves and are less compliant. She was agreeable to having us spend time during school breaks with Dad's family and we were able to have a relationship with them. (and still do as adults)

I also perceived my mother as the one with the problem but my father also was the other half of the relationship. He was a very smart man- so he had to have known that this was not a normal situation- but somehow he compartmentalized it. I also think he was focusing on BPD mother's issues and was in "crisis" mode much of the time.

I think the general consensus is to refocus on your own life and as you said - not give any more of your thinking to this situation than you feel is necessary. While BPD is on a spectrum- this "victim" "rescuer" pattern seems to be common. One word of warning- even when going along with it, you may find yourself in persecutor position sometimes. I can visit BPD mother, do nice things for her, and she might focus on the one thing I didn't do or something she didn't like- but this is her projecting her feelings. You don't have to tolerate abusive behavior but- staying on her good side- as much as possible, as you said- knowing this "dance" helps you to not be as reactive as it's not about you.

Assume that anything you say to your son, by text, email, phone- will be shared with her. My BPD mother read every email, listened in on our phone calls.

It may feel inauthentic to play along with this charade of not acknowleging there are issues but as you said- it may bring a chance to open up communication. If we so much as dared to say anything negative about BPD mother, the reaction would be extreme.

[Joyful Noise]

Dear Notwendy,

Thanks so much for your very helpful/informative reply. Constructive feedback is most welcome.
Your post made my day!  I feel lighter already.   :~)

[Notwendy]

Glad it helped a bit. I hope things go well for you!