How do you divorce someone with BPD?

[Grumpyhubby]

My husband is undiagnosed but has many traits of BPD. I’m just done. Help! I’m scared to even bring up divorce. I tried separation last summer but he has severe abandonment issues and it made things so much worse.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I'm so sorry you're going through this but trust me, it does get better in time.

Something you said actually made me giggle because I could see myself saying it a few years back and not seeing any problem with it.  You said, " I tried separation last summer but he has severe abandonment issues and it made things so much worse."

So you left...but he wanted you to come back...so he blamed you and verbally abused you...and then you came back?!? 

Can you see the fault in the logic there?  He didn't make it worse- you made it worse for yourself by putting his needs before yours.

As a Christian, my first piece of advice would be to seek counseling and try to work through things.  Even if that fails, it will make the transition into separation easier since you have a 3rd party involved.  And if it does reach that point, then you simply cut out all contact and tell him that he can relay anything important to you through <name someone, anyone>.

If you asking more about how you get out of the marriage, then I'm sensing that there may be some fear of retaliation for walking away?  If that's the case, you either make a clean break (disappear to a relatives house) or you tell him with a 3rd party present...then you leave.

Here's the thing though, if you're dead-set on leaving, then this is a "you thing".  It doesn't matter how he feels or what he says/does.  You just tell him that you're done.  It doesn't require an argument or a debate, you just leave.  It may make sense to consult an attorney beforehand as well, just to ensure you have all your ducks in order.

I do wish you luck- it's a terrible situation and I really feel for you.

[ForeverDad]

If you asking more about how you get out of the marriage, then I'm sensing that there may be some fear of retaliation for walking away?  If that's the case, you either make a clean break (disappear to a relatives house) or you tell him with a 3rd party present...then you leave.

I too wonder what in the marriage or his behavior has you seeking to divorce.  We're not asking for details, just a sense of how we can help you.  Without something to work with we'd be left with offering general comments.

As Pook noted, most of us had to make as clean a break as possible when our relationships ended.  Those of us with shared minor children couldn't make a complete break but we basically limited contact to only what was necessary, such as custody, parenting exchanges, status of children's health, etc.

It may seem mean to end the relationship, you may want to seek closure from your spouse, but we've found that we can't get closure from the disordered ex, we had to Gift ourselves closure.

Many here had to be very careful how the ex was informed of the divorce or even the initial separation before divorce.  Do so in a manner you feel safe.  Don't do it in private scenarios since people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are more likely to misbehave in private.  If not in a public area, then have a trusted friend or friends nearby so they can support you promptly in case conflict escalates.

Many tried to prepare knowing that once the declaration is made then the ex may try to sabotage their efforts.  They may make false allegations, try to involve the kids in adult matters, drain joint accounts, make sudden excessively large charges to load a divorce with debt issues, hide assets and records, destroy mementos you cherish, etc.

Ponder how to protect yourself, your personal treasures, the marital property, the children, etc because may pwBPD get triggered and act out when facing change.

One of the greatest risks we reasonably normal Nice Guys and Nice Gals face is that we are literally too nice and too fair.  Yeah, likely good intentions and niceness got us and kept us in this mess far too long, right?  So... henceforth... forget your Nice Gal impulses to be "fair" or to give "fair" notice.  Sure, do the legal minimums but no more.  The lesson to learn, if you haven't already, is that being nice or fair will end up enabling your spouse to sabotage your goals.  As long as you're not nasty, court won't care at all whether either one of you is fair.

[Grumpyhubby]

Thanks to those who have replied. I honestly just wanted to be brief because I’ve never done something like this before and didn’t know if anyone would answer! So I’ve been married 21 years. We have 3 kids—one adult child who has autism and intellectual disability (we share conservatorship for her), a 18 year old son who went through severe mental health issues last year (largely because of his dad) and an 11 yr old son who was just diagnosed with autism last year but is high functioning. My husband was diagnosed with anxiety over a decade ago and received help but I never have felt like his own mental health has been managed well. It wasn’t until last year when my son tried to commit suicide (which I witnessed and had to call the police and get him help, etc) that our family basically fell apart. After a few weeks in treatment, my son and his dad got into a heated discussion where my son wanted to be honest about how he felt about him. My husband did not take it well at all—being told by his son that he wasn’t respected sent him into the biggest rage I’ve seen—and when this happens, there’s nothing I can do or say to make him stop. He has road rage, and has always had anger problems, but I would just try to look past it, and keep myself busy with the kids. Well, after this conversation, my son went up to his room, and a few minutes later, my husband followed him up there to tell him we needed to say our family prayer (religion plays a big role in our family, especially him, but that’s another story). Then my husband told my son that he shouldn’t have talked to him that way, and his rage returned. He walked to my son, and punched a hole in the wall above the bed, where my son was lying down. I feel like our family, my marriage, everything came crashing down in that moment. I asked him to leave the house right away, but he didn’t leave until the next day. We agreed to be apart for a week, but he wouldn’t stop calling and texting. I never felt like I got to recover from this incident. Another suicide attempt by my son landed him in a residential facility, where we had family counseling, which seemed to be helpful, but it wasn’t enough. After our previously planned summer trip, we got home and I told him o wanted to separate for a month. This sent him into another rage. He couldn’t understand why I’d still be upset about what happened. He wouldn’t leave, so I left with the kids for a week. While I was gone, he hit rock bottom, later telling me he seriously considered suicide. This seemed to change him, and I had hope for the first time in a long time. We began couples therapy. It seemed to be helping. We set boundaries. We put things “on the shelf” for therapy so we could keep the peace in our home. Slowly things have gone back to the way they were. We don’t talk much because I try to avoid any conflict, but if I’m too distant he complains about that, too. I feel trapped. I can’t win. I’m not happy. I don’t want to be intimate with him. He’s negative most of the time.

So there’s my story in a nutshell. My biggest fear is what he will do if I tell him I do want a divorce. The idea of separation sent him into a rage and even fear, like he could never survive without me. But I can’t do it anymore. I want and deserve to be happy. How do I divorce someone like this?

[Tangled mangled]

@Grumphubby,
What you have described is horrible to say the least. To think that these pwbpd expect family to just bounce back from the adversity and abuse they caused is despicable.
As someone who is going through thesame, I will share what I did.Your case maybe a lot different perhaps easier as your children are mostly adults except the youngest.

To get a divorce from someone with bpd, you start planning and stop sharing information with him. Finance is a huge factor in this process . If you have the means then seek legal advice quietly and prepare to leave your home. Take pictures of the hole in the wall, get a concealed camera to show the police as evidence of DV- it’s called environmental abuse and in the country I’m in is sufficient evidence for the police to get involved.
If I was in your shoes I will involve a domestic violence support service as soon as possible. Don’t keep this a secret anymore, the police can be made aware that he’s punched a hole in the wall over your son’s head. That’s intimidation and was meant to instil fear in those around. What if that punch landed on your son’s head, it would have been a different story altogether. I have heard a saying that if they can punch a wall it would be your face next.
The fear of what he might do to himself or to others is one you don’t have to live with. Getting support from DV workers or charity and handing this information to the police will serve the purpose of reducing that fear.
Remember that you and your children come first, so all your actions should be aimed at getting you and your children to safely.
There are tools and information available on this site but it may help to seek legal advice from lawyer, to atleast provide you with an understanding of your rights and the process in your state.
It’s important that you don’t keep this toxic home environment a secret- because that’s what the pwbpd wants and needs to maintain control over you and your children.
Stay safe and continue to engage with the peer support available here.
Take care of yourself.