Conflicted about future with ex pwBPD

[Purplegiraffe]

Hiii! Posting again with a slightly new take on things.

I share a baby with my ex pwBPD (diagnosed). He has for the most part been completely absent so far from our D’s life despite the occasional threat for court proceedings which is never followed through and I think just used to provoke a reaction In me. He’s currently away and I don’t know when he will be back - but he does plan on returning.

I am worried about his return and the impact he is going to have on our D’s life. He’s charming and has some good qualities, but is an alcoholic, has some strange beliefs and is incredibly manipulative. I have seen him be good with children, but I worry about the influence he might have.

I get along well with his parents and I would like them to remain in our D’s life as they are stable, kind people. However though they are aware he is a nightmare I do believe they are often manipulated to believe his narrative of things. I know his M would really like him to at least try and stay in touch with our D.

Does anyone have any experience in this kind of situation? I guess what I am conflicted about, is is it better to try and accommodate a relationship between him and our D when he returns if he wants one, or to break the news to his parents I do not want him involved at all? His contact would only ever be supervised if I went down that route.

It’s difficult because he is unpredictable and I have no idea what will happen in the future. I just want to be prepared for all eventualities.

[Pook075]

Hello and thanks for sharing!

My opinion is that you're jumping the gun a little early here and worrying about something you have no control over in the future.

For example, what if he got sober and went through therapy?  What if he came back with genuine remorse and was committed to a healthy relationship with his daughter?  Would your opinion change at that time?

My point is that you don't know when or if he'll return, and what his intentions might be.  All you can do is make that decision once you reach that point instead of letting it bother you now with unnecessary worry.

I hope that helps!

[ForeverDad]

Various states allow for grandparent rights, though of course they are typically much less than a parent's rights unless abuse is a factor.  Still, it might be wise to be aware of your how your state views various relationships.

https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/grandparent-rights.html