OhhGee,
We are here to listen to you and offer emotional support.
I will comment on each of your points.
I’m new here and wasn’t sure if this was the right category or the divorce one. So I chose one..
I believe that you have chosen correctly, as it sounds like you are indeed 'conflicted'.
I’ve been married five years, together six,, 2nd marriage for both of us. He has threatened divorced at least 20 times in the last 3 years. The first time he was willing to go to therapy but only went maybe 4 or 5 times over months and months. I chose to keep seeing the therapist on my own. I have considered leaving many times and even got an apartment with a family member and he wanted to make it work. Now. I wish I’d just left then.
Hindsight, is often 20/20 in these types of situations where you wish you could have/should have left sooner - I had the same opportunity, and I did not follow my gut feeling, and it practically destroyed me, the longer you stay in the kind of relationship, the more trauma bonded you will become, as your therapist about the 'trauma bond'
My/our therapist told me she reallllly suspects BPD and encouraged me to look into it more. When I started learning more, I was amazed. So much fits.
When I first started my own individual therapy back in 2022, my therapists pretty much blurted out "has your wife been evaluated for bipolor or BPD?" 40 minutes into the first session with him. That started me down the rabbit hole of BPD. My wife has threatened about 50 times; however, when I called her on it the last two times she stopped. However, it looks like your husband is escalating it.
Well, he filed again, but this time with an attorney and I was served today. I’m exhausted. I cannot do this anymore. Thank God we don’t have any kids together! He blamed my kids (then teens) for all the problems then when they moved out, it became all my fault.
Look up "blame shifting" he is too ashamed to admit he is the one doing this, so he subconsciously will blame anyone other than himself. Unless he gets into meaningful therapy, this will continue unabated, unless you put up firm boundaries on this, which will only fuel his desire to leave you.
My therapist has point blank told me that the relationship is abusive (mentally, emotionally, verbally) but it still hurt like hell to get that paperwork. I don’t want it to. I want to un-love him. I’m hoping to hear from others that just understand how I feel.
He likely feels that there is no solution, so he is abandoning you before you abandon him - from what you are saying you didn't want to, and with you being the one dumped, it is hurting you a lot more than if you were the one to be dumping him. It is far easier to dump, than being dumped.
That said, you now need to protect your portion of the marital assets. I highly recommend getting the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger ASAP as it will walk you through the various things you need to know about divorcing a borderline (high conflict person, that typically has a Cluster-B disorder). Get yourself a recording device / body camera to document all of your interactions with him in case other things get distorted to the point where you are put at a disadvantage. If he has threatened/mentioned something, you can almost count on him doing it.
I am sure you are really stressed out right now, and are not thinking about this; however, please be kind to yourself, and do some self-care whatever that might look like for you, so you can fill your cup, as it will require a lot of energy to move forward through this nightmare that you now find yourself in.
Take care.
SD
