I really need some advice

[CleverBirdSong]

Hi everyone,
This is my first post here.  I'm hoping for some advice and/or insight that would better help me understand my current situation.
I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now.  We have been living together for the past year.  It's gotten to the point that I start feeling anxious when I'm driving home from work.  I'm never sure what kind of mood she's going to be in.  I'm also never sure when I will inevitably say the wrong thing which will then cause her to blow up at me.  The more I try to express my feelings or get her to understand me, the worse it gets.  I can't respond to what she's saying because she'll say I'm interrupting her.  She doesn't allow me to respond once she's done and when I get quiet and don't say anything she says that I don't care bc I obviously have nothing to say.  I am always in the wrong.  When I am quiet after episodes like this happen, she accuses of me of being passive aggressive and using my defeated energy against her. 
I'm exhausted.  I'm hurt by the mean things she says when she's upset.  She's always right and I'm always wrong.  She thinks that she has done so much work on herself that she can read anyone or any situation and that she'll always be right about it. For this reason she doesn't think she needs therapy/treatment.  When I question it she'll say that I haven't done the work on myself so I shouldn't question her.  I have to pay attention to everything she does or says and I feel like I have no time or space to recharge myself.  When I try to address an issue or if I argue back when she is upset she will threaten to leave me and the relationship.  I often leave her rants very confused and question if I'm doing what she says I'm doing.  It distorts my sense of what's real and makes me feel question if there's something wrong with me for not seeing whatever it is the way she does.
I love her beyond words and I try and often do see the hurt little girl inside of her when she is behaving the way she does.  Having said that, it still takes a big toll on me.  I need peace in my life.  I've been through a lot too and have needs of my own.    Standing up for myself doesn't seem like an option with her and that really scares me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hi Clever and thanks for sharing.  I'm very sorry you're going through this but I think there's a solution here.

Think about this- your gal says she's great at reading people.  I would agree, she's an expert at reading emotions because that's what she lives off of.  Logic and BPD don't fit together very well, and that's why everything is emotional.

So you have a bad day, go to bed, work the next day, and spend the entire drive home dreading what you might face.  You walk in the front door and just like a pet dog (who doesn't understand many words but is an expert at reading emotions), she sees you're tense and reserved.  That makes her tense and reserved because it's a clear sign that you're abandoning her and giving up on the relationship.  So her emotions flourish- fear, anger, sadness, and rage are all activated, all at once.  You're betraying her, you're doing this to her!

All because you walk in the door afraid of what to expect.

I've been there with my BPD daughter and BPD wife, so please don't think I'm judging you here.  I've learned the hard way that you can't put on a happy face and fake it; they sense the instability and it throws them into a tailspin.  The problem here is BPD, it's not your fault at all...but it's also completely your fault from her viewpoint because she can't control her emotions when she's getting negative vibes from you.

So for starters, stop worrying on the way home.  Stop walking on eggshells and fearing her reactions.  Simply enjoy some tunes on your drive home and walk in the door excited to see her...and actually tell her that!  Your change in emotions will make a big difference, it's just changing your outlook.

[CleverBirdSong]

You are absolutely right.  She can pick up on my emotions before I can sometimes.  What you said makes perfect sense.  Lately I feel like I can't relax. I know that at any moment she can get upset at me and I will have to go through it all over again.   How do you do it?

[Pook075]

You are absolutely right.  She can pick up on my emotions before I can sometimes.  What you said makes perfect sense.  Lately I feel like I can't relax. I know that at any moment she can get upset at me and I will have to go through it all over again.   How do you do it?

For me personally, I focus on what I can control.  I can work hard.  I can clean up the house and take care of the dogs.  I can treat my ex-wife or daughter (both BPD) kindly, even when they're not kind to me. 

In an argument, I can't make them see my point of view when they're unstable, but I can calm them down and get rid of 90% of the drama.  That gets rid of the worst of what we experience- simply don't fight.  Focus on her emotions and calming her down, and if that fails then tell her you're going for a walk so you both can take a breath. 

Or take an alternate route- just actively listen and when she finishes ranting, respond with, "I'm so sorry you're upset, what can we do to make things better?"  Maybe she rants away about how this is all your fault some more.  Stay calm, actively listen, and repeat a similar phrase- apologize for her emotions (not what she's accusing you of) and then ask how to help.

When you're walking on eggshells, they're ALWAYS going to break.  It's inevitable.  So stop walking on eggshells.  Stop anticipating chaos....because that brings the chaos!