Hi RPR24;
It
is exhausting trying to parent with a pwBPD. I really get where you're coming from (my H's kids' mom has many BPD traits). It seems like every interaction for them is a referendum on "who is really the victim here", and that's a higher priority than caring for the kids.
The "victim mentality" is baked in to BPD. It isn't something that will change unless the pwBPD works on it in long-term therapy. We can't change it by using the right words, being more frustrated, pointing it out, arguing, or asking nicely.
For members here who have, for example, broken up with their pwBPD and don't share kids, their challenge is more to process what happened -- they don't have to continue working with the pwBPD.
For us, though, on Coparenting, we do have to keep working with them when there are kids involved. And because we can count on the pwBPD not to make reasonable choices, it's our job -- in order to make sure the kids are taken care of -- to find new ways to get stuff done.
I just want to reiterate to you how much I understand your situation:
So, so, so tired of his victim mentality and turning a simple request into a big deal.
This has been our experience with the kids' mom for over a decade. Please know I
get it! We have not been able to assume that Mom will do any of the following:
make sure the kids' rooms are heated at her house
make sure she has food at her house that the kids will eat
enroll them in school
pick them up when it is her night to pick them up from our house
not leave suddenly on a months long "journey of self discovery"
make sure they have clean clothes
not wear the kids' clothes
not tell the kids about adult money concerns
save money
tell us about when the kids go to the hospital/ER/UC on her time
not complain about us taking the kids to UC on our time
make sure there are no rats or black mold in the kids' rooms
etc.
So when I propose that we, as the non-BPD parents, have to take the lead in making changes, it's because I've walked that path.
...
My basic assumption is that Mom won't pull her weight and won't cooperate with any requests that we phrase as "could you please do XYZ because otherwise it won't happen", or "I really need you to do ABC for the kids".
In the past, we would beg her to do what was good for the kids, and she'd come back with all kinds of victim-y language that increased conflict between us and left the kids with unmet needs. For example, we might say "Can you please take SD15 to this activity opportunity on your Saturday, she really wants to go and loves it" and she might reply with "SD15 told me that she doesn't want to do it, she'd rather spend time with me".
Now, we phrase texts and emails with the assumption that she won't do anything we'd like her to do. If it's an "optional" thing like an activity (versus a necessary thing like food/heat/hygiene), we have to accept ahead of time that the kids may miss out (which, oddly, Mom seems to sense, and then agrees with us, vs if she felt like we we really wanted something to happen, she'd argue and decline).
I send stuff now like: "Hi Kids' Mom, does it work with your schedule for SD15 to do Activity from 2-4 on your Saturday? I can do pickup and dropoff. If I don't hear back from you by 5pm on Friday, I'll assume we're good to go! Thanks, kells76"
That means that even if she stonewalls/footdrags, no response is still a response allowing me to move forward with my life. And if she does respond to say "How dare you try to schedule something on my time, the kids love me the most, SD15 said she doesn't want to, blah blah blah", then I've already accepted that it might not happen and I don't argue.
For necessities like food at Mom's house or heat at Mom's house, we have had to accept that Mom does not notice or care, and it is up to us as the aware parents/stepparents to meet the kids' needs,
even if the other parent should. It won't be fair to the adults, but it's the kids' needs that matter. So we have bought food for them for their mom's house, have let them take space heaters from our place over there, do laundry for them, buy them clothes, help problemsolve how to keep rats out of their rooms there...
It isn't fair or equitable, and it's the kids who are the true victims of these situations.
No matter what your H says about himself, how victim-y he gets, it's important to remember that the kids' needs are paramount, and it's on us to make the changes to make sure the kids are taken care of. This can mean looking outside the home for help -- extended family, church groups, after school or in school groups, neighbors, etc, for rides, activities, socialization and so on. The more we hang our hopes on what the parent wBPD "should" be doing, the more disappointed, exhausted, and resentful we'll be. Instead, we need to flip our mindset to assuming the parent wBPD won't do anything... so it's a nice bonus when they do.
I hope there's some helpful perspective in there. What do you think?
kells76
