We are arguing (again)

[bolling]

A couple of weeks ago, i was down with the flu and had a high fever. My girlfriend likes to sleep with the Window open year around, but this night it was -15 degrees celcius ( 5 F), so i told her to close the window out of fear that i would get even sicker. I had pneumonia 2 years ago, and was out cold for 14 days.. me insisting on closing the window, made her storm out of the bedroom and sleep on the couch, followed by 5 days of silent treatment. After 5 days i went to my fathers to «get away», and Its now been 14 days of texting back and fourth arguing. I lost my mom to cancer 3 months ago, and have very little spare energy left for nonsense shi.. bpds los empthy and distorted thinking is really draining. Maybe i should call it quits, as we have now children together and no economic responsebilities that tie us together..

[kells76]

Hi bolling, welcome back. Sounds like things are difficult with your GF again.

The window situation has come up before and seems to set off conflict, which you have very little bandwidth for due to the grief you're going through. I'm sorry about your mom passing away; I know that cannot be easy 

One thing to consider is if you want to hold off on making big relationship decisions right now. It's normal to focus on your grieving process and your family, and to have lots of intense, overwhelming feelings. I'm glad that your dad is there for you to lean on. What if you allowed yourself to wait on making a breakup decision for a little while, until things settle down and you feel you have more spare energy?

Of course, it's OK to also decide that you are done -- no judgment either way.

Couple more thoughts before I wrap this up:

-would you want to try a different way to approach conflict (like the window situation) with her?

-are you seeing a therapist right now?

Fill us in on the details, whenever works for you;

kells76

[bolling]

Thank you for the Feedback kells76. The thing about conflicts is they come out of nowhere, and almost like clockwork every 2 months. Last year we had 8 rounds of conflict, lasting about two weeks each time. This amounts to 1/3 of the year… i am seeing a psychologist to cope with the greef of my mom, and she was the one telling me she  suspects my gf to have bpd. In a bpd relationship you are in reality together with two women, one Caring and sweet, and the other unempathic and mean

[kells76]

The thing about conflicts is they come out of nowhere, and almost like clockwork every 2 months. Last year we had 8 rounds of conflict, lasting about two weeks each time. This amounts to 1/3 of the year…

Sounds like the trigger for the conflict is unexpected, but the fact of the conflicts happening -- almost on a schedule -- is totally expected.

This may sound simplistic, but what is your clue for when a "normal" interaction turns into one of those conflicts?

I.e., what do you notice or observe, that tells you "OK, this might be one of those conflicts"?

Is it a change in her tone of voice? Something she says? Something she does? Something you find yourself wanting to say or do?

I'm wondering if we can help you find a new way to deal with them -- ways that might even defuse the conflict before it starts.

Whether you stay together or separate, my sense is that the time you're together (again, whether it continues or ends at some point) will be much less stressful if there are fewer conflicts erupting. Nothing to lose in trying something different, right?

[bolling]

 The thing about her "episodes" is there are verry few clues, except time spent since the last one. Usually they erupt when i am preoccupied in my own head over some time. She needs a lot of reassurance, and not me being able to give it to her, seems to make her split me. We had a great new years in Spain, and when we came back i thought "wow, its really been some time since we had an argument (october).

During our holiday i suggested we went to a psychic because im into those things, and my GF vent white as a sheet and said, "what if she can tell that im hollowing you out from the inside". It made me really sad to hear her say that, as she is for the most part a loving and kind GF. she has never been verbally abusive, only had outburst during her "episodes". Its as she knows she is emotionally unstable, but cant help herself.

 A week after we came home, it was on again. Ive read online that BPD episodes usually lasts hours or days, and when the calm down, they are guilt ridden. My GF can go on and on about small things for weeks, now its been three. I am always the one to reconcile, but this time i just cant. My psychologist said it was unhealthy for me to always be the one to restore "us" after fighting. My Gf"s ability to mentalize is very limited, and can only see things from her own side. I am really hoping for an apology, but it looks like ill wait forever.